1. We know that when a movie is literally swimming in strong female roles, it’s tempting to include gratuitous lesbian sex scenes, but we simply didn’t feel they added much to the story.
2. Okay, okay, we get it. Sailors stranded at sea masturbate. A lot. But did we really need the close-up on that industrial-sized vat of lube shared by the crew?
3. We read Captain Phillips’ memoir, and we’re fairly sure that he didn’t, in fact, secure his release from the pirates by trading in sexual favors.
4. Yes, everybody loves tight white sailor pants, but we think that tight white sailor hot-pants was a step too far.
5. What happened to the Navy SEAL striptease?! We were told there would be a Navy SEAL striptease.
6. Sorry, but we simply don’t buy that a seasoned, responsible, safety-conscious man like Captain Phillips would choose to indulge in kinky sex without a safeword.
7. For any viewers who may take this movie at its word: No, dunking your dong in seawater immediately after sex does not protect you from STDs.
8. Tom Hanks used a prosthetic penis for this role?! WTF!
9. We love the idea of dirty-talking pirates roaming the seas with their two-way radios, but we’re not convinced that pirates, even the Somali kind, would use the term “throbbing python of love.” Something maritime-themed, perhaps, like “deep-V diver,” would have been less likely to take us out of the moment.
10. Why does Hollywood feel the need to sexualize every single story it takes to the screen? If any movie needed more sex this year, it was The Wolf of Wall Street. Leave poor Captain Phillips alone.