4 weeks ago
10 “Sexy” Gifts That Will Get You Dumped This Xmas

And 10 That Won’t!

You want  to give the object of your affection a gift that expresses your genuine love and sincere lust? Wonderful! But please understand there’s a fine line between sexy and stupid, and that line often moves depending on the couple and each partner’s level of kinkiness, their sense of humor, and their, well, stupidity. Best to err on the side of caution with holiday gifts, which are usually expected to be more romantic than lascivious. In other words, save the butt plug for Valentine’s Day.

Below are 10 gifts you should probably never give, along with suggestions for more appropriate — but still sexy! — alternatives.

1.


Fiber
We have long touted the miraculous sexual benefits of adding fiber to your daily nutrition. After all, a better bathroom experience means more confidence when having all your nooks & crannies explored. But we must draw the line at giving this as a present. Anything with “regularity” in its name does not a good gift make.
The Better Option: If you want to give a gift that promotes pelvic health, then give something luxurious and fun: Lelo’s Luna Beads.

 

2.


Candy Cane Dildo
We guess it’s kind of cute, but it’s not exactly ergonomic. If you’re going to splurge on a sex toy, make it something guaranteed to get the job done.
The Better Option: Lelo’s Smart Wand.

 

3.


K-Y Jelly
Let’s be clear: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with KY-Jelly. It’s a perfectly fine solution to your lubrication needs. But when it comes to the holidays, best to splurge on a more luxurious pleasure oil.
The Better Option: Something a little more glitzy, like Uberlube.

 

4.


Fundies
Ugh, the novelty toy: dumb, cheap, and useless. A piece of coal would be better — at least you can put that in your grill and smoke it.
The Better Option: Silk PJs.

 

5.

Crotchless Panties
Speaking of underwear…The only person who should be buying this as a gift is the wearer, because it is not a gift for themselves, but for their partner. If you buy this as a holiday gift for your partner to wear, you should be dumped twice — once for its cheap crotchless nature, and again for the uncomfortable thong element.
The Better Option: Proper comfy underthings your partner will actually wear, like Felina or Tommy John.

 

6.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Modesty Panels
This is the gift that says your body is mine and I want to control it.
The Better Option: A nice, simple, gold necklace that honors her décolletage (as long as it’s not heart shaped!).

 

7.

Chastity Belt/Cage
This is the gift that SCREAMS your body is mine and I want to control it! Unless you are a seriously kinky couple who have discussed and agreed upon the terms of your BDSM relationship, we’d recommend staying away from any sex toys that could offend more delicate sensibilities, such as ball-gags, butt plugs and anything “realistically veiny.”
The Better Option:  A silk blindfold or some nice soft cuffs, like the ones offered in Lelo’s “Adore Me” Gift Box.

 

8.

Emotion Lotion
Another novelty gift that stinks, tastes bad, and barely works.
The Better Option: A nice massage package with oils, IOUs and the skills to back them up.

 

9.

STD Stuffed Animals
While STIs are nothing to be ashamed of, and these could, under just the right circumstances, be the kind of prop that could help facilitate a tough discussion about sexual health before you sleep with someone, STD plushies don’t scream “romantic holiday gift.”
The Better Option: If you use condoms with your partner, upgrade your brand for the holidays with more high end options like Lelo’s Hex or Sir Richard’s (for every SR condom you buy, they’ll donate one to someone in need!).

 

10.

How-To Sex Manuals for Specific Genders
Nothing says “you suck in bed” like a book designated for either him (“His Guide to Going Down“) or her (“Oral Sex He’ll Never Forget“).
The Better Option: A sex book you can have fun reading together like, oh we don’t know, maybe “SEX: How to Do Everything” or “150 Shades of Play“?

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