Chances are you’ll have to spend this holiday break with a few family members who voted for the human candied yam. You could always just cancel holiday plans all together, hole up in your house, and binge watch some light fare like “The Walking Dead.” But if for some reason you’d like to remain on speaking terms with the relatives who pooped on the concept of peace on earth, while also staying true to yourself, here are 10 super sarcastic, passive-aggressive things you can do during Xmas dinner — just to make a political point without actually talking politics — that will take you right up to, but hopefully not over, the edge of being disowned:
1. When taking a poll on whether the potatoes should be mashed or whipped, go with the method with the least votes. When people complain, say, “Oh, did you want me to go with the popular vote? Because this is America — that’s not how things work here.”
2. If the turkey is impressive, praise it loudly as “a total 10.”
3. When the oven reaches its optimal temperature for cooking the turkey, insist that it’s not warm enough. When someone points out the digital temperature reading, explain how that’s a hoax and it’s really not that hot.
4. When you have to go to the bathroom after your fifth cocktail, ask your hosts to remind you where it is. When they point you in the direction of the one down the hall, explain that you’re not comfortable using a gender-neutral restroom.
5. When preparing to carve the turkey, pronounce, “I’m gonna grab this bird by the pussy.” Bonus points if children are seated at the table.
6. When plating people, offer only slices of breast to those who voted for Trump. If they request any dark meat, say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you only liked whites…I mean, white.”
7. During dinner, pile an enormous amount of potatoes on your plate and start sculpting it, à la Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. When someone asks what you’re doing, explain that you’re building a wall to keep the gravy out.
8. When someone asks you to pass the cranberry sauce, say “Cranberry sauce goes against my religion.” Then promptly get up with the sauce in hand and dump it in the trash.
9. After the dessert and coffee have been served, offer everyone an after-dinner mint: a Tic Tac.
10. When it’s your turn to share what you’re thankful for, just start openly sobbing.