6/5/09
10 Things a Grown Woman Should Never Have

robert_doisneau_39411Poster of Robert Doisneau’s “Le baiser de l’hôtel de ville” via Art.com

The Men’s Health article “18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Have” made us think we should have dated more Men’s Health readers back in our single days. (“10. A name for his penis. Even if it’s a really clever name. … 13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, ‘Take me on your futon.’ … 14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.”) It also got us thinking about the sort of things a grown woman should never have

  1. A stuffed animal on her bed. We’re not saying you have to donate that mangey bear to the Goodwill store — just store him as discreetly as you would your vibrator. No sex partner wants to share your bed with a blankie. Speaking of vibrators…
  2. A sex toy that contains phthalates or one labeled “for novelty use only.” Woman-up and buy yourself a sex toy that was actually designed with your pleasure in mind.
  3. Pants low enough that her thong peeks out the top. Or, as we like to refer to it, a “plot spoiler.”
  4. A list of all the people she’s slept with. Share your sexual history, yes. But naming names? People, no good can come of this.
  5. A poster of Doisneau’s “The Kiss by the Hotel de Ville” on her wall.

READ THE OF THIS TOP TEN LIST on SUNfiltered to find out why masturbation hang-ups, sex with your superior, and vaginas named “fufu” are not appropriate for a grown woman. (Oh, and this post is our entry in the “Most Trafficked Post” contest for June, so you’d be doing us a huge favor by clicking through, too.)

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17 Comments on "10 Things a Grown Woman Should Never Have"

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Madamoiselle L
Madamoiselle L
6 years 9 months ago

15) A MySpace account.

Bwahahahaha!!!!

Madamoiselle L
Madamoiselle L
6 years 9 months ago
12) A collection of Precious Moments figures. 13) A Precious Moments Figure of two children dressed up as a bride and groom on her wedding cake. (A wedding is a Adult Rite of Passage. When one attempts to reduce two adults, engaging in an ADULT agreement to “cute” children, it is an omen of BAD things to come later, and often signifies a FEAR of adult responsibilities which accompany an adult agreement such as marriage. Also, this tends to go with girls who spend 2 years obsessing and planning for EVERY detail of a wedding and not once think of… Read more »
Madamoiselle L
Madamoiselle L
6 years 9 months ago
I LOVE it!!!!! My favorite is “A babytalk term for her vagina/vulva. If your crotch welcomes a penis/dildo/tongue on a regular basis, then it is officially no longer a “fufu.”” Or a “Va-jay-jay” a “who who” or anything referred to as “Down There” or (Angels help us) “A binki.” (Which is what my mother refers to it as. The first time I saw the pacifier called “A binki” I almost put Pepsi through my nose.) They are ALL good. I want to add a few (what did you expect?) 11) Stencils to make patterns in her public hair when she… Read more »
Dawn
6 years 9 months ago
I always enjoy lists like this, though I typically disagree with many of the bullet points. I mean, who are we trying to please here? Ourselves, or some possible hook-up? My list of The One Thing Every Woman Should have contains this point: Every woman should have a sense of who she is. If she’s a woman who likes kissy posters on the wall, that’s who she is. Why be ashamed of it? If your potential lover can’t get wood because of your teddy bear, he’s got an issue and should probably seek medical advice. My favorite vibrator cost less… Read more »
Nelson %9
7 years 2 months ago

great stuff.. beautiful …

kb
kb
7 years 3 months ago

I never understand this idea that women all want their booty calls to be boyfriends. I mean, okay, I only have one right now but honestly-the reason he’s a booty call is because he’d make a TERRIBLE boyfriend.

Isis Uptown
7 years 3 months ago

When I got engaged, a young coworker asked me how we got together. I told her that we had been friends for many years, and that he’d been my booty call. She said “So those can work out?” I told her, “I wouldn’t bet money on it.”

I guess the “friends for many years” part (as in, my adult son doesn’t remember ever NOT knowing my husband) is a big part of our success.

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