15 Reasons Why Everyone Should Masturbate

Self-love won’t cure swine flu, but that’s pretty much the only shortcoming we can think of:

  1. Getting a grip on yourself helps teach you the pattern of your own sexual response: What you like, what you don’t like, and what you hate more than anything else in the whole wide world.
  2. Friggin’ your riggin’ helps you gain control over when and how soon you climax: Once you can recognize the point right before the point of no return, you can put on the brakes and avoid premature crashes.
  3. Polishing your china helps you sleep — right before a nap, or as part of your bedtime ritual.
  4. Playing with yourself is a great procrastination device/study break/boredom reliever. Way better than smoking or television.
  5. DIY sex puts a smile on your face by releasing endorphins. So self-administer a mercy fuck after (or better yet, during) a bad day at work.
  6. Jacking off can help kick-start a tired and listless sex drive.
  7. Southern comfort puts you first for a change (assuming you’re not usually a selfish bastard). Do something nice for yourself: Walk your hand home.
  8. Beating off evens the playing field when you want it more than your partner does. With the wave of a hand, presto: No more frustration!
  9. Doing the handstroke is a self-fulfilling prophecy; the more you do it (and the earlier you start doing it), the more likely you are to do it into your old age. That image might gross you out now, but wait till you’re seventy.
  10. Doing the hand jive is cheap and you’re easy, unlike most of your dates.
  11. Not jerking off at all, according to sexologists, is more likely to lead to psychological problems than jerking off incessantly. This is an about-face from the widespread Victorian belief that shaking the bacon would drive you nuts. So stop the insanity!
  12. Hand-to-gland combat gives you fresh breath. As long as you brush your teeth when you’re done.
  13. Testing the plumbing before a date helps keep your head in the game.
  14. Widespread wanking creates a more sensual world, adds to the supply of international karma, and thus brings us closer to world peace.
  15. Masturbation is the shortest distance between you and an orgasm. Need we say more?

And one extra one, just for the ladies — because, let’s face it, they’re the ones who need the most encouragement to masturbate more often:

16. Orgasms can help relieve menstrual cramps and PMS, and fight yeast infections by increasing blood flow to the pelvic area. That alone is a pretty good reason to learn how to flick the bean, and flick it well.


  1. That’s the only way you will know what you like and what your “hot button” is. If you don’t know how will you be able to tell you SO what sets you off? I think those that don’t masturbate and have bad sex they only have themselves to blame. Unless the SO is just selfish and don’t care.

  2. I started masterbating at 11yrs.old.ive always been premature ejackalation.i never had sex before marriage.me and my wife for years did it everyday.im 58 and still jerking sometimes 2 a day.my wife acts like she dont care about it no more hardly ever touches me.i ask her to let me rub her but no.i think she masterbates without me knowing.our sex life has been cyt 3/4 out.most of the time i cant touch nothing.i know this is wrong but sometimes i like to look at nude women with a hairy bush big titts.she hardly ever sleeps with me anymore.i love her.but after her menopause it went all to h_ll.sometimes i have to begg to touch it titts off limits.

  3. I started at the age of 3 why? And how did i start jerking off at such a young age i remember back then when i was doing my job that im the only one doing it and i felt not norqmal

  4. Ive been at it since the age of 12 least once a day. Sad thing is that even though in a relationship for 10 years still needing to and tbh I do it even more now out of pure frustration! Sometimes I wish I had gone with a girl with a sex drive..I hate having to ask/beg for sex I mean wtf…anyway all this frustration is making me want to wank again. Plese excjse my typimg fronm now kn as itd very hard to tyspe….zzzzzzzz

  5. ya know im a christian and believe i need someone to cuddle do things with but boy do i agree with alls said here all 15 and plus im starting to date now but boy does it help in self esteem to get it all out of my systen bladdertesticles so rock hard on im 52 been wanking as the brits say for 38 yrs do it more if i could diffinitly helps my accertiveness too get the word out really its became a hobby of mine sexual issues and rolationships hey god made us why deny it right john kinion 2

  6. her love is a drug so addicted to her it feels so awesome i lost interest in suicide and actually wanted to live forever because she made me feel so happy and good down there

  7. I seen some say they don’t do it.

    There are two types of people that do it.
    1) the ones that do it.
    2) the ones that lie about it.

  8. doing it will not cause blindness, green hairy palms nor forarms like popey.

    16. marriage may cause this also

    Sienfeld; Master of my domain

  9. My ex-wife threatened to take me to court to revoke my vistation rights when she discovered that I had told our two teenage sons that masturbation is totally normal and not something to be ashamed of. I further explained that, at least at this age, this is something for their private alone time and not something they need to discuss. My ex told the boys this is not something they were “allowed” to do as it is unnecessary, disgusting and showed a lack of self discipline and self respect. She further told them they would no longer be allowed to keep their bedroom doors closed. We’re not going to court because I’ve threatened to sue for full custody and both boys would rather live with me but she’s doing her best to transfer her sexual disfunction to them.

  10. I’d have to say point #4 is especially true for toddlers, since television is actually bad for them. Television viewing in early childhood has been linked to attention deficit and hyperactivity, as well as making kids downright annoying to anyone but their own parents. Just let them have their fun between their thighs instead of plopping them in front of the idiot box. They’ll be a lot easier to manage, since they’ll mellow themselves out in the process. That and kids will never demand garbage they’ve never seen the commercials for.

  11. I totally agree that masturbation really is a great avenue for sexual health and well being. I have been masturbating on a regular basis since I started puberty over 30 yrs ago. Originally I thought it was dirty and thought I was abnormal. I realised how good it felt and how it made me relax . In school as a 14 yr old people thought they would shock you by asking . Do you wank ?
    Yes of course was my answer . Why deny it . I am now 44 have 2 teenage sons and I know they masturbate . I provided a book on sexual health and growing up. I talked about it with them telling them to relax and enjoy the act and bought cream and tissues for their bedrooms . I think its so good I have been donating sperm for 12 months to a sperm bank and donated to friends . I don’t think I could ever stop .

  12. good lists…knowing that i’m not the only one doing it makes me think that masturbation is a good habit . . . a must do (lol) . . . 🙂

  13. Annmarie:
    2. Masturbation as Erotic Meditation can be Absolutely Mind-Blowing!
    3. No; contact (physical or emotional) is cheating. For men, fantasy satisfies the drive to sow the oats without cheating. It also helps balance differing libidos.
    4. Women began to open up during the Women’s Movement in the 70s and they just kept going, leaving men behind. Also, notice gender-oriented publications — only in recent years have men’s magazines begun to be as open and give the same kinds of advice as those targeting women.
    And, Bubbles, you’re right.

    I have a very happy prostate.

    Same here.

    How much is too much?
    I’ve never gone beyond 16 or 18 times a day, but I like to make the Erotic Meditation last when I’m on a roll.

  14. When puberty hit me, I noticed that I was verry irritable and had that ‘chip’ on my sholder. It did not get better untill I began to fantacise and masterbate. I became very calm, rational, confidant, and I liked my self a lot more. I fealt sexy, good looking, and desirable. I had gone through life beleving that my large brests were ‘too big’, that my narrow waist was too small, my hips were too big/curvy, my leggs were too curvy, and that I was too muscular. Now that I am “all grown up” I can see that actually my familly with delicate body styals were actually jelous of me. The ability to ‘take care of my self’ helped me deal with the stress from that and all the highschool crap. On exceptionally stressful days, I would orgasm up to 8 times befor I felt better. I heard that red heads are more into sex — in retrospect that may be correct. Humm. . .

  15. great list, I hate that masturbation is such a taboo subject. the only one I slightly disagree with is the sleep one. While I agree it helps me sleep, I stay up so fucking late doing it that I lose sleep! Then again I’d be too antsy to sleep if I didn’t. I love it!

  16. I masturbate every time I take a shower. It’s relaxing and I always shower before bed, so I’m already in a calm state when I’m ready to lay down. Also, studies have shown that regular “sex” increases libido, therefore, masturbating does really help your sex life.

  17. kudos to the play-do,
    Anyone know of a good source to assist with female masturbation? I am VERY sexual and have been fortunate to have great partners available and thus never learned to satisfy my self with my self (except with some really fabulous wet dreams). It’s high time to learn self pleasure.

  18. Rosy Palm and her five sisters do exactly what I tell them to. My girlfriend ( sitting right here during my typing) agrees it keeps me faithful!!!

  19. 4. The thing is, guys have the “goo” issue to deal with, and it can be kind of a logistical problem, and embarrassing at the same time.
    I’d really like the girl perspective on this.

  20. “4. Playing with yourself is a great procrastination device/study break/boredom reliever. Way better than smoking or television.”

    As someone who still has yet to finish two research papers due this week, I couldn’t agree more.

  21. I find it to be a good stress relief. It clears my head and lets me get back to work and be more productive.

  22. 1. Generally works
    2. Yup, completely understand that and use it myself sometimes. Masturbation can do great things for me to find my “center.”
    3. Nope – unless it’s flick’s qualifying scenario, then I’d worry
    4.Women talk more about everything. Men just joke around and some men I know hang onto those Victorian ideals…they are reinforced by many religions. But, I’m a girl…so not 100% sure I’m right.

  23. 1 it can, I suppose. though I haven’t really had problems with that
    2 sure. it can be a lot of things. that included
    3 no. the thing above-cheating is a two way street, masturbation isn’t.
    4 every guy I’ve been with thinks it’s hot when I can please myself.

  24. Annmarie –

    1. Uh… I don’t know? I don’t really tend to think about specific people when I masturbate, so probably not – but then again, I’ve never slept with someone that I wanted to avoid sleeping with.

    2. I don’t know exactly what you mean by that, honestly.

    3. I don’t think it qualifies as cheating… but I don’t think about specific people when I masturbate… and I don’t ask my guy what he is thinking about when he does, unless it’s like a mutual masturbation thing. I don’t know how I would feel if I knew he thought about others, so I don’t think about it. Cheating is not just a one way thing – whereas fantasy is… So as long as it stays in his head, I think it’s okay.

    4. I’m not a man. But I would think that men are just freaked out by the idea that a woman can get off without him.

  25. Annmarie
    1) not necessarily?? never really had that happen for me.

    2) I totally think it is. it’s like natures happy/sleep enducing pill!

    3) i would consider that a kind of emotional cheating, but only if it was someone that you know personally already.

    like george clooney? not at all, someone you’ve never met before. It’s not cheating IMHO

    if it’s that guy you met in college and always had a baby crush on? Then it’s going over the line.

    4) i thiink guys are just insecure. “A woman who can please herself and needs no man, shows no sympathy, and rules with an iron fist” kind of fear. you know?

  26. Just wanted to add that masturbation is also a good way to find out how you feel about a fantasy/possible scenario with a partner, maybe even more than one…

    I find it useful to explore an idea on my own, than when it’s over see how I feel about it. Was it really a good one that I want to try for real? Did it leave me with a bad feeling once it was over? Should I keep it as a “fantasy only”? Should I “think about it again” and see how I feel?

    Few things I’d like to throw out there to the entire population, all genders and sexual orientations included:
    1. Does masturbation often keep you out of trouble and unnecessary involvement with people you would rather avoid sex with otherwise?

    2. Would it be correct to consider masturbation as a form of “erotic meditation”? I see it this way, but lately had an argument with a friend about this issue.

    3. Is masturbation while thinking about someone other than your partner should be considered as “cheating”?

    4. Finally, why is it that women are having an easier time discussing the issue (toys parties, etc.), while men often bring it up in their conversations as a negative thing?

    OK, I’ve said enough. Your turn…

  27. I love the list… Though personally, when I want it more than my guy does, masturbation really doesn’t seem to do the trick… I tend to want HIM, not just sex.

  28. OK, you started it. Let’s build a list. Humor and originality count:

    1. Strangling the red-helmeted soldier of love.


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