The topic of penis size is an evergreen one here at EMandLO.com. A while back, we wrote a post titled “My New Boyfriend Has a Small Penis…At Least, It’s Small to Me” — and to this day, it remains one of the most popular articles on our site. Penis size leads to high amounts of distress… and an equally high amount of Googling.
But we realized recently that for all we’ve said about penis size on this site (girth matters more than length; it’s the motion of the ocean more than the size of the boat; use penis pumps with caution; do not get surgery on your penis; etc), we’ve never actually given advice on what to do with a smaller than average penis.
So here today, finally, are our top fifteen tips on how to make the most of your modest penis in the bedroom. (While the focus here is on heterosexual sex, many of these tips can be also applied to gay sex, as well.) After you’ve made it through this list, don’t forget to also check out our 10 Best Intercourse Positions for Small Penises.
1. Start with at Least 15 Minutes of Foreplay
The more turned on your partner is before intercourse begins, the more they’re going to want your penis — any penis, really! Also the more turned on they are, the more likely (and the sooner) they are to climax from penetration, meaning there’s less work for your number one guy to do. Think: kissing, teasing, sensual massage, hands and tongue everywhere.
2. Play Around with Power Roles
Part of the appeal of a big penis is the idea of being overwhelmed — of being taken. But there’s more to this sort of fantasy than penis size. In fact, we’d venture that penis size is the least important aspect of this fantasy. If your partner is into this sort of thing, then play around with dominance in the bedroom and take charge: playful spanking, sensual biting, hard kissing, a little light bondage (e.g. wrist restraints). All of this can happen both as foreplay, and during the poking itself.
You might even get to have fun with a little hard and fast pounding action during power-play intercourse — but make sure to ask your partner if they’re into this first. In general, we counsel against a jackhammer approach to sex — most women don’t enjoy having their cervix rammed, and this kind of intercourse can be irritating or even painful, even with an average-sized penis. But guys on the smaller side have a little more leeway when it comes to this sort of motion — they’re much less likely to chafe their partner. And while few women will climax via jackhammering (no matter the size of the penis), some women do find the idea of slightly rougher intercourse sexy. Just remember that a little of this action goes a long way (pun intended).
3. Get Really Good at Oral Sex
We mean really good. Like, your partner’s eyes are rolling back in their head and they forget their own name. And remember that oral sex is often a user-specific skill (especially when it comes to cunnilingus). Don’t assume that what worked on your last partner will work on your current one — practice makes perfect. Try different things, ask questions, and pay attention to your partner’s body language and moans. Branch out while you’re down there: consider playing with your partner’s nipples during oral (if your arms are long enough), or supplement the downtown action with a small toy, or slip a well-lubed pinkie in your partner’s back door. And if your partner writhes around and begs you for sex, keep going just a few minutes longer. Be sure to check out our Top 10 Ways to Make Oral Sex More Fun for Both Partners.
4. Going 69 Means Everyone’s a Winner
We have mixed feelings about the sixty-nine position, but in the case of a smaller than average penis, we think it’s a great idea — either as foreplay or as the main event. Because here’s the thing: going down on a penis like yours can make your partner feel like a sexual god/dess. They can deep-throat you! They can try all sorts of complicated techniques on you. They can really enjoy themselves without stressing out about whether they’re taking enough of you in or worrying that they’re going to gag. And what could be better in bed than your partner enjoying the giving end of a 69 as much as the receiving end? This is the flip side to the power play we mentioned in #2, above: when your partner goes down on you, they feel like they’re in charge, and that’s sexy as anything.
5. Make Friends with the Clitoris
It’s been said before, but it’s worth reciting to yourself again every time you curse your small penis: most women don’t climax from intercourse alone, no matter how big the penis in question. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if men with large penises were less likely than men with small penises to bring their partners to orgasm, simply because they get lazy and assume that a big swinging dick means they don’t have to really do anything in the sack. (If there are any research scientists reading this: For the love of god, will you please conduct a study and prove our theory to be true? Think of the joy you could bring men with small penises across this great nation!) Anyway, you should be paying attention to the clitoris during foreplay, of course, but also during intercourse itself — with your hand, or by directing your partner’s hand to the clitoris, or by enlisting the help of a vibrating toy. Speaking of…
6. Bring Sex Toys Into the Bedroom
Don’t think of sex toys as competition, think of them as your helpmates. There’s no need to be intimidated by them — after all, just scan this post: how many items on this list can a sex toy accomplish? Zero, that’s how many! (Okay, except for maybe #5 — clitorises and vibrators go way back. But vibrators can’t spoon, remember.) And why would you want to discount bedside accessories that could make sex so much more interesting and orgasmic for both of you? This is your chance to be the awesome boyfriend who embraces your partner’s sex toys rather than complaining that “my penis doesn’t do that.” News flash: no one’s penis vibrates at 6,000 r.p.m. for a solid twenty minutes without taking a break (that’s what the Hitachi Magic Wand is for). And in the many decades that vibrators have been around, women still seem remarkably attached to penis owners. So we don’t think you’re going to get replaced anytime soon. But if you can’t shake that fear, then invest in toys that don’t look anything like your penis, like external vibrators and specially curved G-spotters.
When you’re ready to shop: we really like LELO’s line of pleasure objects specifically for couples. For example, with the Lyla 2, you get a wireless remote control, which means you can have fun driving the vibrator with just the touch of a button (while using your other hand to simultaneously touch your partner’s buttons, wink wink nudge nudge!).
Once you start to become comfortable with all the wonderful bedside accessories out there, you may even decide that you’re confident enough to invest in a dildo that’s larger than your penis, to treat your partner to the occasional “filled-up” experience. But don’t be surprised if your partner doesn’t consider this such a “treat.” There’s a reason, after all, that all the best-selling dildos are in the three to five inches range, while the really huge silicone schlongs are relegated to the novelty/serious kink/bachelor and bachelorette party aisle: that’s what women like. That’s what feels good to them. In fact, for many women, dating a man with a big penis is a novelty that wears out very quickly. (Trust us: you should see how many letters we get from women complaining that sex is uncomfortable or painful or simply lacking pleasure, or that that certain positions are impossible due to their boyfriend’s above average size.)
Finally, remember that if our ancestors had shunned tools, we’d still be living in caves and having sub-par sex (seriously, how much clitoral stimulation do you think the average cavewoman received?!). Speaking of vibrating devices…
7. Wear a Cock Ring
And we’re not talking about the black leather kind of cock ring that calls to mind San Francisco’s Castro district (too hard to clean, for one!), or the solid metal rings (too dangerous! hello, emergency room). Cock rings — or love rings, as we prefer to call them, and you may too — have entered the modern era, and they are now made of comfortable/safe/hygienic silicone. Better than that, though, some of them vibrate! Like LELO’s Tor 2, for example. Or, if $199 is too steep for you, GoodVibes.com sells a wide range of vibrating silicone cock rings for as little as $23, like this one and this one. You might have to play around with a few different designs until you find the one that’s the most comfortable fit for you and your partner.
And here’s why you should try one: Some guys find that their erections are a little more impressive when they wear a love ring. More importantly, though: Remember what we said in #5 about making friends with the clitoris? Well, a vibrating cock ring provides vibrating clitoral stimulation during intercourse. Cue the choir of singing angels! No penis in the history of penises, no matter what the size, has ever been able to do this on its own.
8. Talk Dirty
Get creative with your dirty talk. Experiment with monologues that would make a porn star blush. Ask your partner what they want. Offer very specific, very dirty suggestions. Ask your partner if they like what you’re doing. Again, be specific and dirty. Narrate the action, or make your partner do it. Share fantasies with each other. Or if porny dirty talk isn’t your thing, then try just sensual conversation during love-making instead: simply look into your partner’s eyes and tell them how much they turn you on or how sexy/gorgeous/beautiful they are. Feel free to compliment specific body parts! The vocabulary is up to you and your partner, considering what’s a turn on to both of you. What’s important is that you’re turning on your partner’s brain, which is an organ that is (a) key to explosive orgasms, especially in women, and (b) completely inaccessible by even the biggest, most swinging-est dick. Check out our 5 Easy Ways to Talk Dirtier Tonight, and, for the more shy, How to Talk Dirty Without Being Dirty. Oh, and when you’re apart from each other, try warming up to the dirty talk with a little sexting — here’s how.
9. All Hands on Deck
A reader on this site once said, in an attempt to cheer up smaller-than-average men everywhere: “Just be glad you’ve still got two hands!” And it’s true: statistically speaking, your hands are just as likely, if not more likely, to bring your partner to climax. And you’ve got two of them!
Hand work gets a bad rap. This is probably because back when you were first experimenting with sex, you poked around with clumsy fingers, never thinking to use lube (on both of you), take your time, and educate each other on what you really liked. But hands and fingers are so much better than mouths, penises and vaginas at dexterously manipulating genitals — which is why for many women, handjobs are the only way they can climax. So stop fighting it, and start enjoying it! As foreplay, during intercourse, or as the main event. If you don’t know where to stay, ask your partner to show you how they touch themselves. You’ll be surprised how sexy this is. If your partner is feeling shy, offer to touch yourself at the same time… it’s one of the most intimate acts you will ever experience, and probably most couples’ best shot at simultaneous orgasms.
Oh, and teen hand jobs weren’t all bad: you can re-create a bit of that puppy lust by putting your hands down each other’s pants next time you’re at the movies (though good manners would dictate that you make sure you’re at a drive-in).
10. Fake Sexual Confidence
Or rather, fake it ’til you make it. We promise you that a lack of sexual confidence is a much bigger turnoff in bed than a small penis. And we know, we know: it’s your small penis that’s to blame for your lack of confidence in the sack. But why should your penis get to call the shots? Read and re-read this list until you feel sure that you have the potential to be an awesome lover. Then hop into bed and act like that awesome lover. Once you start acting with confidence, your partner will be more turned on, the sex will get better, and pretty soon you won’t have to fake anything at all. Note: this is the only kind of faking we condone in the bedroom!
11. Become a G-Man
Once you’ve made friends with the clitoris, consider adding the G-spot to your circle of trust, too. Hands, G-spotting dildos, and, believe it or not, smaller than average penises all have a better shot at targeting the G-spot than the average penis. (In fact, we’ve heard of women who can only enjoy G-spot stimulation and/or female ejaculation during sex with a small penis.) For tips on manually stimulating a partner’s G-spot, check out our guide here. And remember that the G-spot is only a couple of inches inside the vagina, on the top wall. In other words, when it comes to intercourse: a small penis + a rear entry position (e.g. doggy style) = pretty good G-spot odds. (Just bear in mind that not all women enjoy G-spot action.)
12. Help Your Erection Be All That It Can Be
NO WE DON’T MEAN YOU SHOULD GET SURGERY ON YOUR PENIS. Sorry for yelling, but we wanted to make sure you could hear us through all that spam! It’s one big ball of don’t, and here’s our post explaining why. The short version: it’s expensive and dangerous and it usually just increases the flaccid length and width, which is kind of beside the point, right? While we’re on the subject, you should also stay away from jelquing ( it doesn’t work and it could do some serious damage to your penis). Ditto for penis pumps: while some guys report that a penis-pumped erection is a little more impressive than a regular one — because the pump literally forces blood into the penis — after using the pump, it can be harder to ejaculate. Also, pumps can cause bruising (yowza!).
But there are other, safer ways to get fully inflated. We already mentioned cock rings, in #7 above. You may also find that having your partner stimulate your P-spot helps you stand more firmly to attention. Your partner can stimulate the P-spot indirectly, by pressing on the perineum, or directly, with a finger or toy in the rectum during foreplay or intercourse — check out our P-spot guide here for more details.
There are things you can do on your own time, too: In general, good cardiovascular health will improve a guy’s erection, because they’re both about good blood flow. As a bonus, being in shape will make your penis look bigger… and less fat in that general area will mean you can “reach in” more.
Also, kegel exercises can improve the strength and even girth of your erection! Seriously, they’re not just for the ladies. Check out our how-to guide for kegels for dudes. (Of course, your partner can do kegels, too, and this will certainly help matters — check out our how-to guide for kegels for ladies here — but make sure you suggest this in a loving way, e.g. by telling her that you read kegels can make her orgasms more intense. This is true, by the way! Just remember that no matter how shitty you feel about your small penis, blaming a stretched out vagina is even shittier — and this is also a guarantee of terrible sex… or no sex at all.)
Grooming can help, too — at least in terms of aesthetics: if you don’t already, consider trimming the downstairs beard, or even getting rid of it entirely (though the latter is an acquired taste). You will look a little bigger with a trimmed hedge.
13. Be a Backdoor Friend
You know when size does matter? When it comes to anal play. And in the case of the back door, guess what? Smaller is better!
Stimulating your partner’s backdoor during vaginal intercourse (assuming she’s down with this) can help make her feel more filled up, because you’re stimulating the other side of her vaginal wall. This can lead to bigger and stronger orgasms for her. Start on the outside, just stimulating the surface of her anus with a lubed finger tip. If she’s up for more, take a very well-lubed finger and dip just the tip in. Eventually you may be able to build up to a few inches of finger, or even a diminutive butt plug. Just make sure that any toy going in the back door has a flared base! Get our 5 Rules of Engagement for Backdoor Toys here. And you can also read up on a woman’s PS-spot.
And maybe, just maybe, if all this experimenting goes well, there just might be some anal sex in your future. We’re making no promises, of course. Some women will just never enjoy this act. But your odds are way higher than those of a guy with a giant schlong. That guy is never getting in the backdoor. But you? Well, we’ll cross our fingers for you.
14. There’s More to Sex Than Vaginal Friction
In fact, you could even try thinking of penis-in-vagina intercourse as “vaginal friction” — the unsexy phrase might help knock this unnecessarily elevated act off its pedestal. (Speaking of friction, however, you might want to skip the lubed condoms, and avoid adding extra lube during intercourse — a little friction can be your friend.) Penis-in-vagina intercourse does not equal sex, got that? There would be a lot more female orgasms in this world if more people remembered this.
Good sex is about listening to your partner and paying attention to their body “until you can play it like a harp,” as one wise Reddit commenter said. Another woman in the same forum posted this: “As a female, the best sex I have ever had was with the one that made me feel sexy, loved, accepted, not which one made me orgasm the fastest or who was the biggest.”
“Sex” includes mutual masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, 69, handjobs, sex toys… we could go on. It doesn’t have to include intercourse of any kind, nor does it have to end with simultaneous explosive orgasms.
15. Chemistry Matters More Than Anything
Sure, there are women out there who will be disappointed in a small penis. We won’t lie about that. But for most women, you know what trumps penis size every time? Sexual chemistry. And as we’ve detailed here today, there is no reason why you shouldn’t be able to give your partner mind-blowing orgasms, no matter the size of your penis. Give a woman these kinds of orgasms with someone she feels massive sexual chemistry with, and she’ll never want to leave.