Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City who will be answering your medical questions here regularly:
Dr. Kate,
Since I started having sex (4 years ago, I’m 20 now) I’ve never been able to handle penetration for a very long time. After a while it loses its fun and becomes painful. My current boyfriend and I use lube and we make sure I get aroused so that I’m very wet. He takes a while to come from sex and I can’t help but make him stop after a while. How do I make sex less painful? I want to be able to handle him a little bit better (he’s a little bit on the larger side) but it hurts when we start and just gets worse. I’m becoming discouraged from having sex since it’s losing its fun for me. Help!
– In Pain
Dear In Pain,
No wonder you’re discouraged from having sex — it’s hard to think about pleasure when you’re just trying to avoid pain. While pain during sex is unfortunately common — two thirds of women will experience it at some point — it’s never normal. And it’s not that you’re not a good fit with your guy — the vagina was designed to fit a baby, so unless he’s book-of-records large, it’s not his size that’s the problem.
You’re doing one of the best things already by using lubricant. But wetness isn’t the only sign of arousal — you want your pelvis to be engorged as well. Make sure you get enough foreplay so you’re really aroused before intercourse (you want to have plenty of blood flowing to your vagina to make penetration easier). Your boyfriend can also insert a finger in your vagina first, so you can judge how you’re doing arousal-wise before actually having intercourse. Don’t worry about taking “too long” — women on average need 20-30 minutes of good foreplay to become physically aroused enough for comfortable intercourse.
The fact that sex hurts when you start could mean that you’re not getting the foreplay you need…but it could also signify that you have vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva not just caused by sex. If you experience vulvar pain at other times — like with tampons or gyn exams, or even tight jeans — vulvodynia may be the culprit.
There are a lot of reasons why sex can hurt, and almost all of them can be addressed. Your gyno can also help you figure out what’s happening, and help you make sex fun, not just bearable.
Are any of you struggling with painful sex?
– Dr. Kate
Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City. She also lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. Check out more of her advice and ask her a question at Gynotalk.com.
July 4th, 2012 at 3:59 am
So my last boyfriend and I were together for about 4 months. When we had sex it was not terrible but it wasn’t…. Well, I’ve never had an orgasm. After about an hour it got really painful and I had to make him stop. And I would still hurt for about an hour after.
With my current boyfriend, though, it still hurts, but I last a bit longer before I push him away. But it hurts for much longer after. He’s bigger than the last guy, so it wasn’t a dffference in size that made the actual sex more bearable but the after pain worse.
My question is this: what are some reasons for the changes in discomfort?
July 18th, 2012 at 10:16 am
I’ve been having similar pain issues. However, I’ve found that no matter what I do I still seem to be real tight. I’ve found that I can only handle a regular size tampon not even the super kind because they hurt, how do I make myself a little bigger to accomidate. I’ve been dealing with the pain for my boyfriend and his pleasure but I’m not getting any pleasure from it and have gotten to where I hate it. I don’t know what to do. I tried lubricant and it still doesn’t work. My gyno said I still had a portion of my hymen still attached and that could cause the pain. She said I may need surgery to remove it but I was wanting to see what you thought before I agreed to surgery
July 26th, 2012 at 8:15 pm
My boyfriend and I are at a loss. Sex really hurts for me and sometimes foreplay does too. I’m what we call “damaged” for a good 2-3 days after we have sex. We can’t use lube because I’m very allergic to it. Just wanting some answers
August 22nd, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Me and my last boyfriend were together for 10 months and after he took my virginity i thought all of the pain was over. It burned really bad when it was happening and i couldnt sit on any hard chairs for a few days. When we broke up i hooked up with my best friend and he was a lot bigger than my boyfriend. He went really fast so i didnt really feel pain during the sex but i did after. I have had sex about 15 times. Why is it still hurting?
August 28th, 2012 at 6:55 pm
I have some what of the same problem as the other women. I’m 20 and have been active for a few years now. It hurt during my first time and years later it still hurts with soreness, burning, and sometime I feel no pain and no pleasure(it take a good 5minutes for entry alone). I feel my vagina is very sensitive because I experience pain even with a poke of a finger and during PAP’s and etc. most times I can get past the penetration and it’ll get better but I don’t experience the O-M-G feeling that I hear about so often. I’m convinced it’s a mental thing seeing as that’s where the stimulation occurs first. If so, how can I change my mind set?
September 11th, 2012 at 11:02 pm
@alexa – water is the best lube
September 11th, 2012 at 11:06 pm
My girlfriend and I use lube and even going super slow doesn’t help. We have tried lube, vagina exercises, long breaks, sex toys, and even went to the gyno; still nothing.
October 8th, 2012 at 2:36 pm
iam really very worried sex.though am interested i could not make it out.its alaraedy 8 months since we got married.1m 23.i did nt try foreplay even.am really tensed.it is hurting my husband a lot.so please suggest me some idea.help me out to overcome this problem.
October 16th, 2012 at 3:52 pm
hello, yes i have the same problem.. i need help also my current boyfriend that i lost it to is getting teased mad and upset, hes saying he never had problems like this we both think im mental and werid, cus it was my 1st time i was crying so hard it hurt me alot, and everytime we do it STILL noting same pain , somtimes even more pain then it was, please help if someone has somthing to say to me, i really want to make love and all that but the pain wont leavemy mind, and thats why im never having the good time or the OMG pleasure:(
November 5th, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Me and my bf have been together for 2years now, and we had only started having sex recently. The problem that we’re having is that it won’t insert properly and it causes me a lot of pain also. I was just wondering is their a correct way to insert it properly without any pain?
January 17th, 2013 at 3:55 pm
Dear. Dr. Kate
I would like to know if there is a surgical procedure women can get done in order to make their first time sex less painful? I would like to know if such a procedure exists.
THank You
January 17th, 2013 at 10:25 pm
dear dr.kate i have been with my boyfriend for 4 months now and we had a active sex life and i used to when we first started i could get on top and now its becoming very painful for me. my question is how do i still fulfill my boyfriends needs of me getting on top but still be less painful?
February 18th, 2013 at 5:05 pm
Dear Dr. Kate,
So I’ve been with two different guys recently. One’s about 5 inches, and the other about 7. Though it doesn’t hurt to have sex with the man with the smaller penis, it does to have sex with the larger. Is there a reason for this? Is there any way I can make it less painful and more enjoyable for myself and him?
March 11th, 2013 at 3:31 am
Hello, i have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years, and right as he enters it kind of hurts a bit.. Even when i go to pap tests or pelvic exams they have a hell of a time getting it in because i tighten up and it hurts so bad even when im relaxed. I would like to know why it hurts so bad? I have never been pregnant, and only slept with 10 guys and im only 21 years old. Lost my virginity when i was 16 (raped).
March 31st, 2013 at 6:37 pm
So I’ve had sex about 7-8 times. Everytime I do it feels good, but hurts afterwards. I get swollen, and it hurts from about 1-2 days. I don’t honesty know why, but it makes me not want to have sex.
April 1st, 2013 at 7:53 pm
I’m 22 and just lost my virginity last August. I was born with a small vagina and had to have vaginal reconstruction. I had it done a bit later in life because of other health issues that needed taken care of. My boyfriend and I have been together a few months now and I’m not too quick to want to have sex. I almost feel it’s a chore. It hurts in certain positions and it just doesn’t feel good. I also can’t give my self an orgasm by stimulation. When I use my toy I can orgasm, but not on my own. I also definitely can’t get off with my boyfriend. The sex doesn’t feel good and oral isn’t great either. How can I fix my issues?