Comments on: Wise Guys: Do Men Ever Turn Down Casual Sex?

By: Carlito

Carlito — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 04:54:20 +0000

I’ve recently been in this situation and realised (for me at least) its fear. I’m very inexperienced and just afraid when opportunity comes knocking. Opportunity comes a little too often for my liking. Ive had one on one initiations from women and even two offers for a threesome, but ive turned them down out of fear or being just out of my comfort zone. My friends would say “are you gay?” I’m not, but I would say to them and to her ” I’m too tired” or “I just don’t feel like it” or “I’ve got to be in work early tomorrow”. The worst bit is I’m too scared to say that I’m too afraid. Because everyone I know will say that’s stupid. I know guys who would risk pregnancy just for a good lay, on personal experience I had to turn it down once because she said “no no sex is way better without a condom”. I won’t risk it just for a good time. But it’s times like those that make me think twice and say it not worth the risk. But just me I suppose…

By: jim

jim — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 00:04:16 +0000

This reminds me of the young female reporter who was doing a human-interest story on the local old-folks home. She asked one octogenarian, rather naughtily, “Do you wear boxers or briefs?”

He replied, “Depends…”

Depends, is right. This is not something that happens a lot (wish it did), but when a woman initiates, there are sometimes reasons to say, “Sorry, No thanks.” I am always polite. Even to gay guys. (I’ve been around a long, long time, and I have had my experiences with this phenomenon.)

She may not turn me on. She may be totally not my type. She may be drunk. She may look a total flake. It doesn’t matter. If I am not in the mood, I am not in the mood. A smile, and a gentle, “No, thank you” is about all you can reasonably do.

By: figleaf

figleaf — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 05:48:42 +0000

(Doh! That would be “and that’s one of my favorite posts.”)

By: figleaf

figleaf — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 05:47:55 +0000

“It’s just like we were saying about men who get hit on by women in bars”

Oh yeah. I’ve been reading you two for years and that’s one of my favorite post.

Short of maybe Brad Pitt every actively heterosexual man on the planet knows exactly how nerve wracking is to ask someone out… and just how much it can sting to get the rude brush off. And so every hetero man out there probably ought to either a) show a little collegial courtesy… or at least “honor among thieves.” Or, seriously, a little sympathy and a considerate yes or no.

Not to put too fine a point on it, from men’s perspective the more women begin asking men out the more sympathy *we’ll* get when *we* ask *them* out!

figleaf

By: Em & Lo

Em & Lo — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 02:09:16 +0000

Nice, figleaf! Yep, this is part of the problem: Men don’t have much practice turning down casual sex, so they’re often not particularly gentlemanly about it when they do. It’s just like we were saying about men who get hit on by women in bars: http://www.emandlo.com/2009/01/do-it-tonight-mix-up-the-pick-up/

By: figleaf

figleaf — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 01:26:04 +0000

This is a trickier question than it sounds. One of the interesting consequences of a tradition that requires men to do all the initiating… and the obvious corollary that we only initiate when we’re interested… is that we rarely have to confront invitations when we’re *not* interested.

Don’t get me wrong, we’ve got enough expectations tied up in “scoring,” and we have enough institutional and biological padding that we don’t have to worry as much about consequences like reputation hits and pregnancy that we can get interested pretty quickly.

But still, when it happens and we’re clear-headed enough to assess the potential fallout, it would be nice to have some kind of vocabulary to fall back on besides “that bitch was crazy.” Because saying that? That’s more like covering up when you’re panicked and looking for excuses. My suggestion? How about manning up and saying “no thanks, I’m not in the mood.”

Just sayin’

figleaf

By: Johnny

Johnny — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 21:23:32 +0000

Men turn down casual sex:
1. From women they’re not at all attracted to (although we’ll even go for that sometimes)
2. When they’re sexually inexperienced and the prospect scares them
3. When they get laid all the time, and are in a position of abundance already.