Wise Guys: My Girlfriend Thinks Porn-Viewing Is a Dealbreaker

porn_dharmaphoto by Andres Moreno

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What do you do if your girlfriend, whom you love very much, doesn’t understand why you like and watch porn occasionally: she’s intellectually and viscerally opposed to it, thinks it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and has suggested to me that it might be a deal breaker?”

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Well she has a point, but she doesn’t fully understand men if she makes that a deal breaker. (Good luck finding a man who doesn’t like porn; it’s hard enough to find one that doesn’t like sports!) Some porn is perfectly healthy, and if a guy can’t explain that convincingly, or is too afraid to put his foot down, then he should throw in the towel and throw away his stash. That’s not to say he can’t dabble now and again, but he should stay away from the Brazilian fart porn and Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids just in case.

Straight Married Guy (Fred): Keep it a secret from her!  Okay, you could try to explain that it has nothing to do with her, that she’s not in any competition with it, that it’s a normal and unavoidable part of being a guy, and that she’ll never find any guy who doesn’t look at porn from time to time… or you could just make it a private thing.  Don’t talk about it and definitely don’t let her see any signs of it.  Ignorance is bliss. If you’re feeling lucky, you could also point out her relationship with shoes (or women’s magazines, or whatever) and say that you’re viscerally opposed to it, think it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and suggest that it might be a deal breaker.

Gay Commited Guy (Terence): First thing you do is hide. Hide everything. If you’ve got magazines, burn ’em cause no one uses them anymore anyway. Then remember to clear your cache and history after you get your rocks off online. Don’t get rid of every site you visited that day, just the porn sites. She’ll never know… I say this because you should never change something about yourself for someone else. It’s like quitting smoking for someone else; it rings empty and isn’t terribly successful. Your question doesn’t even hint that you have a problem with porn. So if that’s the case, then I think your only option is to hide your porn and slowly, over the years, bring her to understand that your porn is not her problem.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week they’re all a little shy.


Say Something

48 Comments on "Wise Guys: My Girlfriend Thinks Porn-Viewing Is a Dealbreaker"


Ruslan
1 year 11 months ago

While such situation can happen, there are still great erotic films that you can enjoy with your girlfriend. The biggest collection I think is here: http://beautifulpornonline.com/best-porn-movie-list-watch-girl. As well as plenty advice on how to do this right.

Ben
2 years 11 months ago

I will never quit my porn for any woman, especially for women that are really hard and take a long time to get into the mood, porn is just easier for some occasions. If she is not okay with that then that is her problem end of story. I watch all types of porn, from amatuer stuff uploaded by anyone, to more extreme femdom stuff or other stuff I’m not going to mention here. My current partner which we have 2 children together is completely ok with it all and knows what I watch and like. I have shared with her all my desires that may seem a lot more than the norm, but that is just me and my partner needs to understand and take me for me.

One of my ex’s used to be into porn herself and actually watched porn with me and that has been some of the best sex I have ever had.

If a woman has a problem with her man watching porn, perhaps something she really enjoys should be taken away. An excellent example, is any romantic novels she may have. What is really the difference? She could be fansasising with some man in the novel perhaps? Some people seriously need to get a grip I think.

Jan
3 years 2 months ago

I don’t want my boyfriend watching porn. I didn’t have a problem with it and knew he watched it a year into our relationship. Then I found out he watches teen girls making webcam videos and it totally threw me off. He admitted he would go on webchat room and seduce girls and he did this for as long as he could remember. Our sex dropped and he was watching it everyday. Now that we had been dating awhile acted like he liked porn more then me. He said he didn’t but he acted the opposite. Porn was his first and forever relationship. Which, I couldn’t deal with. Porn isnt supposed to be your first and preferred sexual partner, at least when u want to be married to someone. He would have no problem not having sc w me for weeks but he would never miss a porn session. He made no effort to want me at all. It’s been three years since then. He cut back to porn once a week and for the last 8 months has been porn free. He has gained my trust back and he’s stated that he understands and loves the way he views sex now. Sex is a emotion,spiritual, bonding thing between two people and is needed and must be taken seriously if u want to spend the rest of your life with someone. He still masterbates and he watches the porn movies we have on occasion if he needs to. He just needed to learn to put our sexual relationship before his own. I never thought that porn would bother me but it became clear that by loving porn your whole life it can make it hard to adjust to becoming truly intamate with another person.

[…] An interesting debate among commenters (and in Johnny’s case, with himself) about the good and bad of porn (plus, a lesson in “literature” vs. “research”) from the post “Wise Guys: My Girlfriend Thinks Porn-Viewing Is a Dealbreaker“: […]

Johnny
4 years 9 months ago

It is I, your Johnny, Mml. L.

By lit, like kate said, I do mean peer-reviewed academic publication, that I got from my college library for a psych paper years ago. I could probably find it again if I tried, and if I do, I’ll post it for you.

But that was talking about sex workers in general, not porn stars specifically. My info there is more anecdotal. My macabre interest in who’s a dead porn star began when I discovered, a couple of times, that women I was wanking to regularly had been dead of something horrible for 2 years, although she was 5 years younger than me.

So I googled “dead porn stars” and was shocked at what I found. Like 10 women whose work I “admired” were dead of the causes I listed above, and those are just the ones I was familiar with – there were many, many more.

Obviously porn itself is not responsible for drunken car wrecks or overdoses. I guess my point was that these people are chronic bad decision makers, usually because they’ve got major issues, and here’s this industry that’s more than willing to step in and make a buck off that.

Not to mention the threat of HIV, of which I think there have been 19 cases in the U.S. industry since 2004.

Maybe I’m just getting old or something, but the scuzziness of the porn industry is getting harder to ignore. That’s not to say I won’t watch it anymore – to be honest, the train-wreck aspect of it is arousing (hey, screw it – I’m not afraid of my own fantasies). But maybe with time I’ll get there.