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Wise Guys: My Girlfriend Thinks Porn-Viewing Is a Dealbreaker

Thu, Jan 8, 2009

Advice, Wise Guys

porn_dharmaphoto by Andres Moreno

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What do you do if your girlfriend, whom you love very much, doesn’t understand why you like and watch porn occasionally: she’s intellectually and viscerally opposed to it, thinks it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and has suggested to me that it might be a deal breaker?”

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Well she has a point, but she doesn’t fully understand men if she makes that a deal breaker. (Good luck finding a man who doesn’t like porn; it’s hard enough to find one that doesn’t like sports!) Some porn is perfectly healthy, and if a guy can’t explain that convincingly, or is too afraid to put his foot down, then he should throw in the towel and throw away his stash. That’s not to say he can’t dabble now and again, but he should stay away from the Brazilian fart porn and Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids just in case.

Straight Married Guy (Fred): Keep it a secret from her!¬† Okay, you could try to explain that it has nothing to do with her, that she’s not in any competition with it, that it’s a normal and unavoidable part of being a guy, and that she’ll never find any guy who doesn’t look at porn from time to time… or you could just make it a private thing.¬† Don’t talk about it and definitely don’t let her see any signs of it.¬† Ignorance is bliss. If you’re feeling lucky, you could also point out her relationship with shoes (or women’s magazines, or whatever) and say that you’re viscerally opposed to it, think it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and suggest that it might be a deal breaker.

Gay Commited Guy (Terence): First thing you do is hide. Hide everything. If you’ve got magazines, burn ‘em cause no one uses them anymore anyway. Then remember to clear your cache and history after you get your rocks off online. Don’t get rid of every site you visited that day, just the porn sites. She’ll never know… I say this because you should never change something about yourself for someone else. It’s like quitting smoking for someone else; it rings empty and isn’t terribly successful. Your question doesn’t even hint that you have a problem with porn. So if that’s the case, then I think your only option is to hide your porn and slowly, over the years, bring her to understand that your porn is not her problem.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week they’re all a little shy.

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48 Responses to “Wise Guys: My Girlfriend Thinks Porn-Viewing Is a Dealbreaker”

  1. Trace Says:

    No don’t hide it, worst thing you can do. It is a little hard for me to understand as I’m a woman who likes porn. The little porn my husband looks at he denies (he seems to be shy) despite the fact I’d love to share it with him. Anyhow I’m no fool, despite browser clearing activities there are always ways I can find it. I look so I can then see what he’s into. Not to have a go at him.

    The problem here is lying, I believe annoys and hurts all women the most. I would say lying trumps looking at porn too.
    Perhaps compromise, find porn that’s more female friendly, something that has ethics your girlfriend cannot oppose.

  2. Kavita Says:

    don’t hide it. there is female empowerment porn. I swear i’ve seen it somewhere. However lying will just piss a woman off. tell her she can still be a feminist and enjoy porn. try getting her to read some erotica and finding similar porn that puts the woman in charge. that might help. good luck

  3. Uschi Says:

    Don’t lie to her!
    It’s ok to delete your browser history if you share one computer. You have the right to have your privacy!! But if she asks you please be honest. If she can’t accept you the way you are she’s not the right person for you anyway.

  4. Z Says:

    I completely agree. If you lie about porn, and she finds out, it will only help prove her case, and convince her even further that porn is the devil. Going behind her back is not the solution. The advice given by the ladies above me is wonderful. Start with reading some erotica together that you’ve carefully selected to appeal to the sorts of things that you know she likes.. If you’re feeling confidant, try writing some of your own, about the two of you, for her.

  5. Colin Says:

    Lots of porn is awful. I just finished a paper last semester about pornography. I really can’t blame her considering most of what she probably knows about porn. Luckily, the focus of this paper was feminist pornography! Seriously check it out. Em and Lo have done a lot on them. I think Erica Lust is probably seriously the best. Check out her site and also a few of the other sites she recommends. As long as you explain that for you, porn can just sort of be a sex toy, and you negotiate by eschewing the awful mainstream porn that is packed full of misogynistic depictions of women, you two should reach a compromise in no time!

  6. AlanK Says:

    This is either awful or idiotic. Yes, an un-Godly amount of porn has entered the world that would sicken an albino rat, but there certainly is some that does no more than say “sex is nice.” You can always just get vintage stuff from my youth and view that…the mechanics haven’t changed and you get women who look like women and not 12-year olds. If the woman he loves won’t cut him some slack that way, he has a massively dysfunctional relationship. He may as well–reluctantly, which is why I said it could be awful–cut his losses now and leave. But for heavens sake, don’t lie about it. No good thing happens if you lie about it.

  7. Holly Page Says:

    LOVE the Dharma Initiative porn, HATE the advice. Like other commenters have suggested, lying about it only perpetuates the idea that porn is evil and dirty and that men lie about their sexual activities and desires (oh, and that women don’t have masturbatory fantasies, too). When I first moved in with my now-husband, I was initially threatened by porn consumption, thinking all the usual thoughts that it meant I wasn’t attractive or sexual enough. It took a lot openness, reassurance, and, frankly, exposure to come to understand that wanking visuals are not a threat, and that checking out other people was going to be something we BOTH do, and that’s okay. Now, to get a copy of “Kate Gone Wild.”

  8. Epiphany Says:

    Now I don’t care for porn at all (of any kind), but I disagree with a lot of the comments. Why should he try to tailor his porn consumption to only porn that his girlfriend might not find as offensive? Should we only have fantasies that our partners find acceptable? Of course not. You share/act on the ones your partner likes, and the ones they don’t, you keep in the privacy of your own head. Keeping something private is not the same as lying, and our partners have no right to dictate our fantasies. That’s just what porn is – fantasy.
    I also think that any woman who tells her man to give up porn or it’s a dealbreaker is really telling him “keep watching porn, but keep it well out of sight, because I don’t want to know about it.” That is, unless she’s completely naive, because I think most of us have figured out that most men watch porn, whether we know about it or not.

  9. Slartibartfast Says:

    A note to L.A. Chris and Fred: Please remember that there *are* some guys among us who aren’t into porn. At least, I’ve never seen any that I could handle for more than 10 seconds. The best of it, I found to be kind of boring (blank expressions, dead eyes and uncomfortable posing) and the worst I’ve ever seen was kind of disturbing and left me feeling sad. I find written forms to have much more appeal. Particularly erotica written by women. I make no pretense of moral superiority because of this; it just seems to be an artifact of the way I’m wired.

  10. rhapsodyblue Says:

    I remember reading articles about feminist porn back when this site’s advice column was on DailyBedpost – couldn’t you do some background check work on your porn and stick to the parts of the industry that aren’t exploitative? Go search for those old articles on DailyBedpost and use them to help convince your girlfriend that there is ethically sound smut out there.

  11. Fred Says:

    Fred, one of the posters here. Sheesh, who said anything about lying? I just said keep it private. There is a difference. My point: do not keep a 6-foot poster of Angelina Jolie in the living room you share with your girlfriend or wife. Keep a folded 3×5 card of Angelina Jolie in your wallet. (this is a metaphor). If asked about it do not lie, yes, you have a picture of Angenina Jolie. Also, all porn is not equal. Some porn is demeaning to the women in it. Some is not. Porn as a catch-all term is problematic. Due to the number commenters that mistook what I said, I’m going to repeat myself: Do not lie about porn, just keep it out of her face!

  12. Em & Lo Says:

    Thanks rhapsody! And yeah, we have written about feminist porn in the past. Here are a few links from DailyBedpost, though we’re not sure how much longer the site will be live for. We promise to write more on this site soon about how to hunt down ethical porn. (In the meantime, the site http://www.hotmoviesforher.com, in our blog roll, is a great resource.)

    http://dailybedpost.com/2008/11/a-day-in-the-life-of-aporn-lib.php

    http://dailybedpost.com/2008/10/a-day-in-the-life-ofa-feminist.php

    And here’s our friend Claire from Babeland chatting about porn…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eInoqcV61-4

  13. Epiphany Says:

    Yeah, what Fred said.

  14. karen Says:

    The question was not wether porn is good or bad.. but what to do if the girlfriend says “quit watching it or im out”!
    Short answer .. they are not intellectually or viscerally compatible.
    A good annalogy would be a couple where one is politically left and the other – right. One believes in right to choose .. the other the right to life..
    One voted for Obama.. and the other .. well… DUmp that Bush man!!
    :) )

  15. Candida Royalle Says:

    First of all, there IS good porn out there for women…MINE for one thing!!! Check out: candidaroyalle.com. There are others too. Secondly, all these guys who say you can’t find a guy who doesn’t like porn? I beg to differ. I would say most of my male friends and most of my serious lovers were not that interested in it. They found it boring, infantile, and mostly a big turn-off. I’ve got something to tell you guys: NOT ALL MEN LOVE PORN! At least not the typical kind that insults women AND men! Not that I even care…I’m in the biz! And I believe everyone has the right to enjoy what they want and that porn is NOT the root of all our social ills. (I’m a founding board member of Feminists for Free Express too…FREE CHOICE!) But this notion that all men are incontrolably driven to want to watch porn. Nope. Not true. Rant over.

  16. sexylibrarian Says:

    Look, guys need to have some sexual activities that are private. So do women. Masturbating and fantasizing using porn or pictures or smells is natural and does not have ANYTHING to do with whether or not you’re in a committed relationship. It’s just sex. Not love. Sex. It’s normal. Now, is there some freaky ass porn out there that degrades both sexes? Sure. But most guys are not into that stuff. Porn is fantasy, pure and simple. I prefer to read racy romances with the men who say the right things and know how to seduce a woman, he prefers to view 18 year olds with tight thighs and shiny hair. So what? I maintain that a healthy relationship with your mate involves enjoying sex together and enjoying our private sexual fantasies apart, too. Gotta have something that’s just yours, you know?

  17. richard Says:

    what fred said, and what sexylibrarian said. i didn’t hear anyone condone lying.

    and since when does a partner need to know everything you ever fantasize about? when my girlfriend wants to share her fantasies, that’s great, and when she doesn’t, that’s her business. porn is just a fantasizing tool, and if it’s just something i look at occasionally for a solo quickie, who really cares?

  18. Jay Says:

    Ditto to what Karen said, about compatibility. Your worldview allows for porn consumption, and your girlfriend’s doesn’t. It may sound silly to compromise a relationship, but this is a big deal on a few levels.

    One, you like porn, and it gives you safe sexual pleasure without compromising your faithfulness to your girlfriend (yes, I am dismissive of the “porn is cheating” school of thought). She’s trying to deny you that sexual pleasure, which brings me to what I call the Dildo Paradox. If she’s going to forbid you porn, she’d better not have an actual replica of another man’s cock in her top drawer. Better if neither of you interferes with the other’s masturbatory life.

    Two, people talk about porn “degrading women” as though the men who participate in it are seen as upstanding community members. Give me a break. Porn is a sleazy business for everyone involved – the starlet, the stud, the boom mike operator. Yes, even the “empowering, feminist porn”. Just because those girls are classily portrayed on screen, doesn’t mean they’re in good shape mentally or emotionally. They’re porn actresses.

    Finally, this stinks of compliance testing. I’m wary of any woman who tries to tell me what to do when she’s not around. That would be a deal-breaker for ME, cause I think it’s indicative of a controlling and manipulative personality type. Is there a list of OTHER things she forbids or requires, even if they don’t really affect her in any way?

    Think about it.

  19. Craig Says:

    How about just stop watching porn? Really, it does nothing but degrade your marriage. It is silly to think that porn is a good tool to “enhance your sex life or marriage” – remember – the girls you are watching are someones daughter, and could be yours in the future.
    It is sad to see how this industry has become so “normal” to many people. Honor your wife and stop filling your mind with this type of garbage that does nothing for you.

  20. Rei Says:

    Half of me agrees with Craig; I’ve been in a relationship where the guy I was dating at the time watched some really bad porn (where the woman is tied up, etc…the guy beats on her a bit and makes her do unmentionable things) and wanted me to do the things he watched. Things that made me feel unappreciated. I got out of that relationship quick! Some guys’ perspective on porn is interesting, like they think all women must behave like the porn actresses in those movies; that we should do anything men tell us to do sexually. It’s pure fantasy.

    Now, I myself watch porn occasionally, none of the women degradation movies, but tasteful ones. But I do not bring porn into my relationship, I reserve it for ME time. Just like my man, he isn’t a big movie watcher, but has a few forums with ‘naked women threads’ he looks at online.

    Some women are threatened by their man’s porn viewing. The women think that they are not good enough in bed to satisfy them, they do not look as fit as the porn actresses do, boob comparison, and how well the porn actress can bend/move, etc. It really hurts some women’s self esteem.

    But the most important thing, is that their man is loving them unconditionally, trust is in the relationship, the sex life is very much alive, and no cheating is going on. When you have these, I don’t think porn watching is a threat.

  21. Craig Says:

    Hey Rei… great comments… However isn’t watching porn in a sense “cheating”? If one is watching porn they are fantasizing and being stimulate by someone who is not their spouse. In my book, that is cheating.

  22. will Says:

    Craig, in YOUR book that is cheating. So you’d do fine to be with a wife who thinks watching porn is cheating. I’m not sure what you and your partner would do if one of you accidentally had a sex dream about someone else, though. Is that cheating, too?

    For me, porn isn’t cheating. My wife knows I look at the occasional picture (I actually look at still images more often than videos), and she doesn’t care. I’m not sure if she looks at images or videos of guys, but it really wouldn’t bother me, and I certainly don’t consider it cheating. It’s her fantasy life, and it’s totally different than the reality of her acting out in the real world.

    So I don’t buy into the notion that porn is just garbage that does nothing for you. It can be a release. If anything, it actually lowers the chances of cheating. I’d worry more about the future faithfulness of a couple who denies the existence of fantasies and represses everything that’s not clean/pure/godly/whatever than I would worry about the future of a couple with healthy fantasy lives.

  23. Maya Says:

    I don’t think porn should be a dealbreaker, and if a woman has a problem with it… doesn’t she watch it too? I actually watch porn with my boyfriend (especially Pirates!) and we have a lot of fun laughing at the cheesy lines and horrible acting and hey, it’s hot. Now if he can’t get off without watching porn, then you have an issue.

  24. Elizabeth Says:

    So, I am actually a girl who can’t really handle the whole porn thing. First, because I know what it psychologically does to people. What you watch or listen to never really goes away. Also, because the internet has made pornography so easy to attain, many many men and women have developed pornography addictions.

    I have dated a man who had a pornography/cybersex addiction and it was completely and totally devasting. Like most people who suffer an addiction, eventually the “non cheating” stuff of porn and sexual conversations over the internet led to him actually cheating on me with a woman he met over an online casual sex site. Though we no longer date, I know that it took him years to over come this addiction.

    I don’t think pornography is a deal breaker, as long as a) he can masturbate to completion without the help of pornography. and b) it is very very limited. There is just a very thin line between healthy use of pornography, and pornography becoming a problem.

  25. Elizabeth Says:

    Also, will, Porn does NOT lower the chances of cheating. In general, at least in the studies I read recently, men who viewed porn 3 or more times a week were much more likely to cheat on their significant others. Though, the study did say that men who viewed porn one time or less per week were less likely to cheat. But could that just mean that a man who rarely views porn has more respect for the woman his with?

  26. charlie murphy Says:

    No liz, that just means that he is not that sexual. And to be specific becuase if your ‘man’ dosen’t get what he wants in bed he will cheat…. So it has to be a two way street, he gets what he wants and you get what you want. Trust me.
    Its the cold hard truth. Take it from being the other women who he cheats with. ME.

  27. Johnny Says:

    Elizabeth,

    I don’t think porn has anything to to with cheating frequency. Some guys enter relationships because they’re really into a woman, maybe even in love, and they only want to be with her. These guys are generally safe.

    Other guys enter relationships because they don’t get laid much, lack sexual options and want a steady source of sex. These guys are malcontents and will cheat first chance they get, porn or no.

  28. Ryan Says:

    Exactly. Sorry to hear about your ex, Elizabeth… but keeping him from porn would not have saved your relationship. If you eradicated all of the porn on the planet, he still would have gotten into trouble, ’cause that’s his (self-destructive) nature.

    I would guess that the vast majority of guys (and gals) who look at porn do so with a full understanding of the fantasy nature of it. Besides–look at all of those red states with the most restrictive laws against porn, and all kinds of moral crusaders telling us how it’s evil and will ruin our marriages. Meanwhile they have the highest divorce rates in the country. And I would venture a guess that people with more restrictions and judgments in the culture surrounding them have less satisfying sex lives, too.

  29. Rei Says:

    It all comes down to the Individual; their preferences, how they would react to porn, and how they will cheat/not cheat. You can never group men or women into categories in whole. Its never this way or that (two way road). When you are serious about dating someone, getting to know them, see how they are with porn, and if you do not like how they handle porn, and cannot compromise anything, do not date them, they are not for you. There is always someone out there for everyone.

  30. Elizabeth Says:

    Um, my guy did get what he wanted, when he wanted it in bed thank you very much. Shoot, I had a higher sex drive than he did.

    My ex had a pornography addiction, that led to him acting out his fantasies. And while I realize that not all people who view pornography do not have an addiction, any more than all people who consume alcohol are alcoholics, I also know that you have to be careful, with any addictive substance or activity. And pornography viewing is one of those activities, whether men want to believe it or not.

    So, no, I would not be okay with being with a man who viewed pornography often or could not get off without it.

    I do not think that pornography is inherently evil or something like that. I just don’t think that it is very healthy to spend a lot of time viewing it. I just think that people on here should stop talking crap about girls who are uncomfortable with it. Do we not all have the right to have our own limits? Yes, most guys view porn. But most guys who have a healthy reaction to porn also know that they could live without it. My current boyfriend respects that. I know that every once in awhile he takes a gander at some porn. But I also know that it’s rare, and that 99 percent of the time he’d much rather be with me.

  31. Dena Says:

    I am going to have to go with ignorance is bliss. I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to know every detail in my mans life. I love the relationship I am in, and for the most part we work as a team, but there is a point where you must acknowledge that even though you are together you are still seperate human beings. You are both going to have your own seperate likes and dislikes. So, just because you are with someone does not mean you get to have a part in ruling every facet of thier lives. In the end you might be walking along side of each other, but you are still wearing your own shoes. My guy is into porn, I find it more funny then sexually stimulating. However I have noticed that the sex I share with my partner after he has had his fill of porn is beyond incredible. He might be watching porn to stimulate himself but I get to cash in the rewards. Looking at it like that has kept him happy and sexually content, and me totally satisfied. So thank you porn, thank you very much!

  32. signs of cheating girlfriend Says:

    I recognize that asking this question on your internet site might be unethical but I think my girl friend is cheating on me. U know, coming in home late from work, going outside with the girls every time. Washing Off the clothes as soon as she gets home. We don’t even have sex any longer Do you guys have any points as to how I could acquire the truth?

  33. Madamoiselle L Says:

    I went through a quasi-Second Wave feminst phase, where I really thought porn was “degrading and exploitive” towards women. (After previously enjoying it.) I had some issues at that point, but My Man still liked and enjoyed the porn occasionally.

    I have since changed my ideas about porn, after doing research into the American Adult Film Industry, and realize in all but the worst situations, the women and men in the Sex Industry know what they are getting into and are not being exploited, they are making good money doing something they love. I feel differently about some foreigh porn (especially some of the Asian humilation porn, where the female modesl look about 13 years old, although they are said to be over 18, BLECH!) I now enjoy a great deal of erotica and porn and My Man and I enjoy it together and even on our own. (The stuff I like tends to be a little more hard core than the stuff we watch together. To each her own.)

    The thing is, even when I wasn’t a fan of porn years ago, My Man was a grown man and I am not going to tell a grown man what he can and cannot do, unless it is dangerous or harmful to himself or our family. The stuff he watches is fairly vanilla (at least by my standards) and in like, I don’t tell him what to wear, what to eat, who he should or can hang out with, I don’t limit his activities with his buddies etc. We’re both grown adults and neither of us should be telling the other what to do in the other’s spare time. We have a romantic/equal partnership relationship, not a parent-child relationship.

    IF the porn watching was an addictive behavior, meaning it is taking up hours a day, he simply cannot get sexually aroused without it, or it is taking the place of your sex life, or the amount of sex the two of you are having has reduced, then it is a problem and neeeds to be taken care of.

    Occasional porn watching (what does that mean? For some it might be 15 minutes to a half hour a day, for others and hour once or twice a week, for others only very rarely.) is usually harmless and as long as it isn’t addictive and is LEGAL porn (no kiddie porn etc) or feeds unhealthy behavior, like, well, anything from picking up strangers, while you two are in a monogamous relationship to engaging in mastubation as his ONLY sexual activity, it is REALLY his business.

    As for hiding it, I know when I went through my phase, he was hiding the stuff. He didn’t have a lot, but he die it more because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings more than save himself. I don’t think hiding it is the answer, if she DEMANDS he not view erotica or porn, and gives him an ultimatum, it may signify a problem that effects the entire relationship, and some counseling is in order. If his porn watching is within healthy parameters and she is still giving him ultimatums, SHE needs some help. If he is using porn additively or unhealthily, and it is taking the place of healthy sexual relations, other recreation, sleeping, eating bathing etc, then HE needs the help. Either way, it sounds like Couples Counseling is a important in this relationship.

  34. matbo Says:

    I am a woman (and I’m saying this because apparently it matters). When I first met my boyfriend I introduced him to porn. I had to watch porn to orgasm and never went with out it. Porn totally skewed my actual sexual relationship and made me go straight to hard core spanking/rape fantasies. Not that there’s a problem with a good ole’ rape fantasy, it’s just that we’d never really had good sex. He’s pound into me, spank me, say a few sexually degrading slurs, come and then we were done.

    In the end he taught me to slow the hell down. We hardly ever use dominant fantasies, just every once in a while. I’ve kicked porn to the curb and masturbation is much more about me and enjoying myself rather than “getting it over with, blowing off steam etc.” it’s a nice healthy way to take a break and keep my self entertained.

    Now I was the girlfriend who said no porn in the relationship (and during that time we both relapsed once and felt ever so guilty about it). I was feeling pressured, not so much by him, but kind of by society and myself to be a major sex kitten and I was afraid I wasn’t sexual enough (though I really am).

    Long story short we’re both insecure and we’ve both dropped the porn. But porn is not forbidden and I want to know about it. Just like I think it’s hilarious he’s been masturbating in the shower and he’s all shy and embarrassed and hides his face against my neck.

    Any good moral story here? If you’re not fully accepted and loved in a relationship – it’s a deal breaker!

  35. Sam the sweatheart Says:

    Eh. Both my man and me are opposed to porn for moral reasons… ladies, it is demeaning. Men, it is demeaning. I’ve read on here that porn is comparable to just another sex toy, right? Last time I checked, the objectification of human beings is not cool.
    I know that the majority of people in porn are willing participants, but I’ve never viewed sex as something that should be marketable, just something that should be intimate. Our bodies are temples, not cheap hotels.

  36. Perskaya Says:

    “Now I was the girlfriend who said no porn in the relationship (and during that time we both relapsed once and felt ever so guilty about it). I was feeling pressured, not so much by him, but kind of by society and myself to be a major sex kitten and I was afraid I wasn‚Äôt sexual enough (though I really am).”

    There is so much pressure from people to watch porn. It’s everywhere. I’ve watched some of it years ago, and I know what it does to people and I personally don’t condone any…it’s hard to just say a little. To me, I think saying “a little” is safe is like playing with fire. But I’m glad you guys were able to work that out. :)

    As for the rest…

    I don’t watch it and the guy I’m with, he knows exactly how I feel–if he disrespects me by watching it, we’re done. He knew that before the relationship, and that commitment between us has only grown.

    That being said, I am no prude in the bedroom (or elsewhere when we can sneak somewhere private). He gets as much as he wants as often as he wants and in a lot of different ways–unless I’m being a tease for a few hours. ;) He knows he cans ask me to do just about anything and I’m willing because we mutually love and respect each other. I’m willing to give him his fantasy, sometimes even when I don’t understand the thrill. The only limitation is that we are monogamous. So our sex is both wild and at times also tender and loving. We don’t settle for one or the other, and because we invest in each other and not images, we have tangibly felt our intimacy grow between us rather than giving it to the image in our minds or on a tv or computer screen. He lusts after me, and I lust after him, and if something tempts us to lust elsewhere, we turn that emotion on each other instead *immediately*, so that we invest in us. I never say no to him unless I am physically ill, and vice versa. We recognize we each have needs and we want to satisfy the other so that no one and nothing else is needed.

    And let me tell you–it is WOW!

    My opinion, bottom line: You don’t need porn if you’re *living* your sex life. Whip. Spank. Dress up. Whatever–it’s fine as long as you trust and lust for each other. I started out a bit timid, but over time and investing in *us* sexually, I’m now a complete sex kitten for him, and he eats it up.

    Healthy women have to feel 100% safe in their relationship to really let go. If they do, they’ll explode sexually. (Pun intended, LOL)…

  37. Crimsonia Says:

    Lying about it and hiding it is absolutely the WORST way to handle the situation.

    I agree with several others here, you should offer to share it with her, and encourage her to share her secret fantasies with you then try to find something that suits her tastes, as well as your own, then she will discover that the industry is not all about the misogynistic exploitation of women, but rather, that it CAN be very liberating for all person’s involved.

  38. johnny Says:

    ^I’d say it’s about exploitation of the performers, male and female, pretty much most of the time.

    Many scenes may not DEPICT exploitation as part of the sex, but behind the scenes those women and men are sex workers, which means they’re usually either drug addicts or fucked in the head.

    Before anyone take offense to that, look up the lit correlating sex work with mental illness and drug addiction. It’s gross.

    I’m sure there are many examples of individuals in the sex trade who are perfectly healthy in their minds and bodies and are just entreprenurial spirits who love sex.

    But give me a break. Like professional wrestlers, sex workers die young with alarming predictability. HIV, overdose, suicide, murder, car wrecks… Look up a list of dead porn stars and why they’re dead. Then tell me of any other legal line of work that’s anywhere near that likely to end in tragedy sooooooo often.

    As for the exploiters, at the very top they’re big bazillionaire businessmen – think they got that way playing nice? They don’t give a shit. To them porn is a product measured with numbers.

    The question for the individual consumer is one of hormones versus morals. Some people don’t care what bad choices other consenting adults make. Some people don’t like the shady side of porn, but can’t deny that it turns them on, so they assuage their guilt by looking at softer-core porn. And some people just hate everything about it.

    Jeez, I think I just talked myself out of liking porn.

  39. Madamoiselle L Says:

    johnny said (I don’t he’s “our” Johnny)

    “Before anyone take offense to that, look up the lit correlating sex work with mental illness and drug addiction. It‚Äôs gross.”

    Do have links to this “literature?” Or what most would call research. I’d like to see it. I don’t see porn start dying from “car wrecks (really?) drug overdose, HIV etc” anymore than anyone else in the Entertainment Industry.

    If you can provide actual Evidence Based Research to prove your point, I’d read it. Somebody’s opinion, from a Church Group or something does NOT count as “research.” Just so you know. Data, studies, P values, longitudinal will suffice.

  40. kate Says:

    I know this isn’t the point of your post, but ‘literature’ is a legitimate term for peer reviewed journal articles. I’m studying towards a PhD and in the department we would always say literature, not research.

  41. Johnny Says:

    It is I, your Johnny, Mml. L.

    By lit, like kate said, I do mean peer-reviewed academic publication, that I got from my college library for a psych paper years ago. I could probably find it again if I tried, and if I do, I’ll post it for you.

    But that was talking about sex workers in general, not porn stars specifically. My info there is more anecdotal. My macabre interest in who’s a dead porn star began when I discovered, a couple of times, that women I was wanking to regularly had been dead of something horrible for 2 years, although she was 5 years younger than me.

    So I googled “dead porn stars” and was shocked at what I found. Like 10 women whose work I “admired” were dead of the causes I listed above, and those are just the ones I was familiar with – there were many, many more.

    Obviously porn itself is not responsible for drunken car wrecks or overdoses. I guess my point was that these people are chronic bad decision makers, usually because they’ve got major issues, and here’s this industry that’s more than willing to step in and make a buck off that.

    Not to mention the threat of HIV, of which I think there have been 19 cases in the U.S. industry since 2004.

    Maybe I’m just getting old or something, but the scuzziness of the porn industry is getting harder to ignore. That’s not to say I won’t watch it anymore – to be honest, the train-wreck aspect of it is arousing (hey, screw it – I’m not afraid of my own fantasies). But maybe with time I’ll get there.

  42. Jan Says:

    I don’t want my boyfriend watching porn. I didn’t have a problem with it and knew he watched it a year into our relationship. Then I found out he watches teen girls making webcam videos and it totally threw me off. He admitted he would go on webchat room and seduce girls and he did this for as long as he could remember. Our sex dropped and he was watching it everyday. Now that we had been dating awhile acted like he liked porn more then me. He said he didn’t but he acted the opposite. Porn was his first and forever relationship. Which, I couldn’t deal with. Porn isnt supposed to be your first and preferred sexual partner, at least when u want to be married to someone. He would have no problem not having sc w me for weeks but he would never miss a porn session. He made no effort to want me at all. It’s been three years since then. He cut back to porn once a week and for the last 8 months has been porn free. He has gained my trust back and he’s stated that he understands and loves the way he views sex now. Sex is a emotion,spiritual, bonding thing between two people and is needed and must be taken seriously if u want to spend the rest of your life with someone. He still masterbates and he watches the porn movies we have on occasion if he needs to. He just needed to learn to put our sexual relationship before his own. I never thought that porn would bother me but it became clear that by loving porn your whole life it can make it hard to adjust to becoming truly intamate with another person.

  43. Ben Says:

    I will never quit my porn for any woman, especially for women that are really hard and take a long time to get into the mood, porn is just easier for some occasions. If she is not okay with that then that is her problem end of story. I watch all types of porn, from amatuer stuff uploaded by anyone, to more extreme femdom stuff or other stuff I’m not going to mention here. My current partner which we have 2 children together is completely ok with it all and knows what I watch and like. I have shared with her all my desires that may seem a lot more than the norm, but that is just me and my partner needs to understand and take me for me.

    One of my ex’s used to be into porn herself and actually watched porn with me and that has been some of the best sex I have ever had.

    If a woman has a problem with her man watching porn, perhaps something she really enjoys should be taken away. An excellent example, is any romantic novels she may have. What is really the difference? She could be fansasising with some man in the novel perhaps? Some people seriously need to get a grip I think.

  44. Ruslan Says:

    While such situation can happen, there are still great erotic films that you can enjoy with your girlfriend. The biggest collection I think is here: http://beautifulpornonline.com/best-porn-movie-list-watch-girl. As well as plenty advice on how to do this right.


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  4. [...] An interesting debate among commenters (and in Johnny’s case, with himself) about the good and bad of porn (plus, a lesson in “literature” vs. “research”) from the post “Wise Guys: My Girlfriend Thinks Porn-Viewing Is a Dealbreaker“: [...]

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