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Wise Guys: What If I’m Not Up for Going Down?

Fri, Jan 23, 2009

Advice, Wise Guys

no_gelatophoto by Jon & Alison

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “I really hate going down on guys. I’ve tried it, I don’t like it. In fact, I loathe it. I feel bad about it, but if I don’t expect oral in return (I don’t), then why should I feel compelled to do something I don’t enjoy?”

Straight Single Guy (Colin): Really there is no guy that should expect oral. It’s totally up to you what you feel comfortable with sexually and we’ll enjoy what you want to do. If you see it as a tit-for-tat deal and you’re not asking for anything, then you’re right, you shouldn’t feel compelled to return a favor you’re not receiving. As long as you’re upfront with your feelings on oral, then everything is okay. My only thought is that for the people we really care about, sometimes we do things we don’t necessarily enjoy just to make them feel good, to make them feel sexy, to make them feel special — and sometimes just to get them off. I don’t think you should feel obligated to be going downtown all the time like you’re Petula Clark or something, but don’t hurry to rule it out for good. It can be something special you pull out of your sexual toolkit only for true knights in shining armor.

Straight Married Guy (Matt): This is a tough one. I’d say it’s a very rare guy who isn’t going to want at least the occasional blowjob. I’ve actually never met one of these mythical creatures. Even if they do exist, how would you go about finding one? A personal ad title like “Must NOT Want Blowjobs” would probably result in crickets chirping in your empty inbox. So that leaves you with waiting until you’re at the point of discussing sexual details with a prospective partner to bring the topic up. Most guys aren’t going to be thrilled with your take on the matter, but sooner or later, maybe you’ll find a guy who doesn’t think blowjobs are all that great. But wouldn’t giving the occasional (special occasion) blowjob be a little easier than banking on these super longshot odds? I think so, but then I’m a guy. And like pretty much all guys, I’d seriously consider giving up food, water and shelter before blowjobs.

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): If you don’t like going down on guys, there’s absolutely no reason you should feel compelled to do so.  However, there’s also absolutely no reason a guy should feel compelled to keep dating you if you won’t go down on him.  You just have to find somebody who gets his kicks in other ways. The pool will be much smaller, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t, um, fish to be had.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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26 Responses to “Wise Guys: What If I’m Not Up for Going Down?”

  1. figleaf Says:

    Yeah, feeling obliged to do something we hate during sex is just the best… um… way to… stay enthusiasti…

    Um, no. That doesn’t really work, eh?

    And, yeah, getting a blowjob from someone who’s half-hearted, hurried, and so not into it her mouth is cold is just such a… great feeli…

    Um, no, that’s not so hot either.

    I *think* the difference is that men have this idea that your no doesn’t mean “no, I don’t enjoy it,” it means “no, I’m holding something back.” Stupid I know. But since it’s just not true that “there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob” and since one of the best ways to get a bad blowjob is to pressure someone who isn’t into it in the first place then… it’s not about the physical sensation it’s about feeling like they’re somehow getting “all” of you.

    Question is then do you really want to keep hanging out with a guy who thinks he’s getting *more* intimate with you by… pressuring and/or pining you till you do something you hate doing?

    Joe Defner’s got an excellent point goes even better in the other direction. Sure, if a guy thinks it’s his *privilege* that you go down on him then yeah, he doesn’t have to stay with you… but… you really want to stay with him?

    There are actually plenty of men who won’t pass one up if offered but who don’t think a blowjob is the Holy Grail. So why waste *your* time (not to mention compromising the quality of *your* sexual enjoyment) on someone who does?

    Also, Matt: “But wouldn’t giving the occasional (special occasion) blowjob be a little easier than banking on these super longshot odds?”

    Riiiight! Save up something you really hate for special occasions.

    Here’s the thing, and no, it’s not a secret back door ploy to get blowjobs after all: for a lot of people, not just women, not just men, feeling obliged to do something is enough of a buzzkill threshhold that you never get to where you might not mind it or might even enjoy it. I don’t know about women so much but I’ve certainly heard men say they they eat their girlfriends only for something in return. And they hate it. Meanwhile I think eating a partner is fun all by itself because even if it wasn’t pretty, and tasty, and intimate, and sexy it’s *really cool* when someone is writhing and shuddering and panting your name. If you’re just feeling resentful you don’t get any of that. All of which means that if Em and Lo’s correspondent finds a partner who’s just not that into being eaten it might give her enough space to enjoy it. And if not? No big deal.

    Oof, longer comment than I meant to leave.

  2. gwen Says:

    *laughs*
    so, it’s hilarious, figleaf, that you responded first, mainly because this entire discussion reminded me of your post In Other News Even Though Some Love It, Not Everybody Likes Italian Food Either and my plan had been to post the link- partially because of the posts it links to in which oral sex isn’t treated as the end-all and be-all of all sexual encounters, or some such. At any rate, I expect the links in the post are still of use.

  3. figleaf Says:

    @gwen: really? Wow, thanks!

    Also, I meant to say “Meanwhile like a lot of other men I think eating a partner is fun all by itself…” I didn’t mean, at all, at all, to imply I’m the only one.

    figleaf

  4. Johnny Says:

    This question would be easier to answer if it contained some info as to why the asker hates giving BJ’s so much. Maybe there’s a solution.

    Hopefully there’s a solution. This is going to be a tough one for most guys to accept.

  5. Rei Says:

    I understand some girls have really bad gag reflexes; and do not like the taste of cum because the guy’s diet is kinda bad, and reflects in the taste of his cum.
    Or maybe he doesn’t wash well down there, or still has piss hanging out on the tip of his penis because he didn’t use tp. Bad hygiene too would cause someone to NOT give a BJ.
    I love going down on my man, he takes care of his body and eats right, so he tastes good. I’ve dated someone who had the typical American red meat/potatoes, lots of fat, junk food, soda and he tasted so awful!! But yes, I would like to know more info on the asker’s reasons for not liking BJs.

  6. Matt Says:

    Matt here–one of the original advice-givers above. Just to clarify, I’m not trying to be insensitive (though perhaps it came off that way)… only realistic.

    Let’s look at it another way: What if there were a guy who said, well, “I’m not into touching a woman’s breasts. I think they’re gross.” Wouldn’t we all say (or at the very least think) that this is an issue he’s just got to get over?

    I strongly believe that blowjobs are a very important part of guys’ sex lives. Maybe there are guys out there who don’t like them (yeah, right), but I think 99.9% of guys would feel that they’re missing out if they never, ever got a blowjob.

    I don’t mean to suggest that someone should do something they don’t like, or aren’t comfortable with, but maybe that they should look into why they aren’t comfortable with it. If the guy is (as Rei notes above) clean and has a decent diet, I happen to think that not being into something that’s a routine part of sex and makes a lot of guys happy is… well, a little selfish.

    Look, if a woman really loved having a guy go down on her (and not as many women love this as guys love blowjobs, but still… many do), and that was a huge part of her sex life, and her current partner refused to do it, we’d probably all tell the woman to break up with him. Right? Why would anyone want to stay with someone who’s too squeamish/selfish/whatever to do the things that their partner loves in bed? Life’s too short.

  7. Jay Jay Says:

    I would definitely have to agree with Matt’s above comment here. There has been A LOT of women posting about their partners not wanting to go down on them and Em & Lo (as well as all their viewers) agree that it’s bullshit and the guy in question just needs to get over it otherwise he should be 86′d on the spot. Isn’t it a little unfair that when the roles are reversed, suddenly men are expected to be understanding and accepting of a woman who doesn’t want to give her boyfriend a blow job? That’s just not a bias that I can get on board with. That being said, I am a woman.

    Further more, I have NEVER met a guy that did not think getting head was the greatest thing in the world. In fact, 99% of these men, ranging in ages from 18 – 55, considered receiving oral sex to be better than intercourse all together. Maybe they are being selfish and short sighted, but who wouldn’t want to kick back, put his hands behind his head, relax, and just FEEL GOOD for a while? With no added stress of the partner getting off simultaneously, I might add. Women and men alike, if you have any sort of luke warm feelings for your man, get on your knees and prove it to the poor bastard! In these troubled times, any “pick me up” will be GREATLY appreciated.

    However, it should be noted that if your partner is willing (and hopefully enthusiastic) about giving you yours, then for God’s sake, be sure to return the favor! Maybe not orally, maybe not even in the bedroom, but be sure to make the person feel as good as he or she just made you feel.

  8. Em & Lo Says:

    Jay Jay, funny you should mention the oral sex vs intercourse question — we’d already planned on making that a future Wise Guys installment on this site. So watch this space!

  9. Lela Says:

    For the high percentage of women who had been sexually abused or assaulted in some way, giving bj’s can feel extremely degrading. I’ve actually known guys who it is not their favorite thing, because they -unselfishly- enjoy and get off on their partner’s excitement as well. It sickens me to see it called “selfish” when something like that is often physically difficult to do for lots of reasons and may feel so degrading. It’s yet another way you serve a male. For a female, it’s rare and difficult to have an orgasm via vag-penile sex, so really, he should help out some more. The guy is going to have an orgasm no matter what. the woman won’t… big difference.

  10. Ryan Says:

    Lela – the abuse part is spot on. Thanks for pointing that out.

    The orgasm part is bullshit.

  11. Matt Says:

    Matt here again. I get the abuse issue, but I still think the problem is seeing a blowjob as degrading. Why does it have to be degrading? Is a guy going down on a woman degrading? That’s antiquated thinking, and reverse sexism. There’s really a double standard here.

    Lela, you yourself say that many women have a hard time having an orgasm through penetration, right? So what we’re saying here is that oral sex is an enjoyable way for women to experience sex. You say that the guy should “help out some more.” I agree with you 100%.

    But suddenly when it’s the man who might enjoy someone going down on him, it’s degrading. In this case, the woman shouldn’t help out… or is that only guys who need to make the extra effort? Of course guys can orgasm from penetration in most cases, but denying a guy blowjobs–forever–is really, really extreme. Any guy being honest will tell you that. Maybe there are guys who think blowjobs aren’t a big deal, but let me tell you–they’re seriously rare! Ask around on that one.

    So I say that oral sex for both sides–if the receiver wants it–is a loving, generous act that a partner can perform. It feels great. Seeing that as degrading–only when the oral sex is performed on the guy–is pure bullshit.

  12. Maitresse Says:

    This is an extremely vanilla’ist article, as most articles on sex in America are, and I only read these for a tremendously good laugh.
    Hmmm, “Maybe there are guys who think blowjobs aren’t a big deal, but let me tell you – they’re exceedingly rare!” Perhaps amongst the vanilla crowd, yes.

    However, there is a great big world beyond vanilla — and I am not talking “BDSM lite”. Ooooooo, We do much more than tie men up with their neckties (which in actuality only causes soft tissue damage). Some of Us are lifestlye Dominatrices, not little girls with whips, or 20-somethings cashing in on a fad. For a submissive male, Her pleasure IS his pleasure. The psychology is vastly different, and can never be fully grasped by the vanilla crowd. But…. I have met far, far more than My proper share of the vanilla- wannabe-submissives, and they do so enjoy having all the mapping given them, and proper Female worshipping directions given. All pressure is off the table to “perform”, and the administration of sensation is deeply satisfying. To both parties.

    That said, yes, a Domme may indeed go down on Her sub, IF She wishes. It is degrading to be on My knees, and that position doesn’t happen. However, I reserve the right to play with My sub’s cock, to administer oral sensation to him all I want…not on My knees, of course, and to direct hs orgasm. Of course, he must be clean, scrubbed, and eating a good diet (My collared sub does all of the above), and if he expects to bruise the back of My throat, he gets kicked back into the abyss from whence he came (have not had to do that with My sub). There’s 23 male subs to 1 born Domina… the numbers are not in his favour. My collared sub is a born sub, and you can ask around…. blow jobs aren’t a big deal. But Her pleasure is. his fantasy is. A truly good Domme will see to facilitating that. Her enjoyment of providing oral reward at Her discretion is just that…. Her discretion.

    Good BDSM is all about pleasure balanced with respect of limits, and facilitating fantasy. You would simply be amazed at the fantasy that is out there. Just opening your eyes to the facts that there are lots of expressions of male sexuality and experiences of enjoyment not dreamt of in the minor act of “blowjob”, and that not all men are created the same. Thank goodness for creative men.

  13. Leigh Olivia Says:

    @ Maitresse: You say a lot of good things about the kink world, and about how exciting a D/s relationship can be. I am glad to count someone as eloquent and articulate as you clearly are among our ranks. That said, please quit it with the phony statistics…and what the pete is a “born Domina”…I like to hit men as much as the next kinkster, and I do think it’s as much a part of my sexual orientation as my bisexuality is, but it’s not some kind of spiritual call to duty. We’re just some people who like different things in bed.

  14. john Says:

    I didn’t see this addressed above, but the enjoyment of recieving oral sex is also tied to self-image. I have never really enjoyed having a woman go down on me because, deep down, I’ve never really felt… worthy, I guess. I do enjoy giving, although there is no way to tell if that is simply because I like it or because I ‘deserve’ it.

  15. Rochelle Says:

    My guy loves eating me, as well as receiving bj’s too. Sometimes I start to cum listening to his reaction. At first he enjoys the bj and as he becomes more turned on, uses his hands and or mouth to get me off at the same time. I was surprised to see no one else mentioned mutual gratification.

  16. evelynj Says:

    well i dont really think much about it sex is much more fun when you give all i give bj’s when i want to !sex is spontenous so why make oral a reward!!if he gives me head well its ok….

  17. divawannabe Says:

    Responding to the comment way back, abuse is definitely an issue when it comes to bjs. My very first experience giving one — I was a total virgin (never had intercourse — was very degrading and frightening. I wouldn’t characterize it as “abuse” but it was cruel.

    Basically, when he asked me to blow him, I told him I’d never done it before. But the minute I had him in my mouth, he grabbed my head and basically thrusted into me. I started to gag, and almost vomited, and he would NOT let go for anything. AND gave me no warning he was going to cum, and as I gagged on THAT, he just kept telling me to “swallow it, swallow it.” AND he laughed at me after for gagging.

    Now, despite that, I still went down on other, later, boyfriends, BUT I told them to please not hold my head onto them, AND either not cum in my mouth, or warn me when they were about to. And because none of them were bastards like my first one, they all did, willingly. BUT I never enjoyed giving bjs for a very long time — just did to please my partners, who pleased me in return.

    I used to believe that NO woman ever *enjoyed* giving a bj — I mean, she could enjoy her partner’s reaction, but it gave her no physical pleasure. (Probably because of my first experience.) That happened a little over 20 years ago, and i only recently came to actually enjoying AND initiating bjs myself. And I know it was all due to my partner — not just for the reasons above, he does have good hygiene, eats right, etc., but it TRULY turns me on and gets me wet to give him one!

    But my partner is also SO loving, and I feel the first real true love I’ve ever had. So it started as me wanting to please him, and grew into my loving to do it! I’ll stop the rambling now, but maybe the correspondent could examine her past and see if there is a reason there as to why she loathes them.

    Also, there IS much more to oral sex on a guy than just a bj — I start by teasing my partner with kissing near and on his penis, and licking one particular spot near the head that drives him wild! He has cum just from me doing that, with no real bj. So maybe some communication with her partner, and some willingness to give him some sort of pleasure in that area, would also help.

  18. Love BJ's Says:

    I also would like to know the reasons for not wanting to give a blowjob. To me giving a blowjob is a big turn on. Just knowing the man I am with enjoys it makes it exciting to me. And I like having the control to tease him into a frenzy.

  19. Matt Says:

    Maitresse, I’m also calling bullshit on this whole “vanilla” thing. Ok, so great… some folks like to be tied up, whipped, etc. Well, guess what? I guarantee you those guys still love blowjobs! I don’t care if you’re into rubbing balloons all over yourself or dressing up as a penguin, or whatever you think makes it from vanilla to something else… but you’re kidding yourself if you think those dudes don’t love blowjobs.

    You know what’s vanilla? Not getting a blowjob.

  20. Jenn Says:

    Heres a tip for you ladys that hate to go down. Try to make it a more pleasureable expierience. First off, give him a LOT of fruit during the day. (pineapple) so that way, when he finishes, it will taste like fruit…, and not be so bad. If he eats pizza and potatoes all day long, his stuff wont taste all that great to you. Secondly, add a lil fun for yourself, chocolate syrup or grenadine. (yes can be very sticky) however, it will taste so much better than a penis. (lol) They also make flavored condoms, and there are many things that taste pretty good, that you can lick off a penis. (dont use anything you have to chew)

  21. Missy Says:

    Wow!!! For me, going down on a man is the biggest turn on. I sometimes think I would rather do that than have intercourse. I love to hear the sounds a man makes when he is getting oral pleasure, and that gets me off. There is nothing on earth that makes me feel more in control!

  22. Links Says:

    Females are born with an oral fixation that never goes away. To prove this, walk through the supermarket chips aisle and I guarantee you that a 20something y/o chick will be their grabbing a bag. Another example, women love to talk and talk and talk. They love oral action, whether it is talking someone’s ear off, eating an entire back of chips, or sucking cock. So I say, if you come across one who has a block toward performing oral sex, just remind her that sucking dick is nature’s adult remedy for her oral fixation. Problem solved.

  23. Marcus Says:

    *** Note to self: Keep baseball bat handy in case Links ever comes around to pick my daughter up for a date.

  24. SJ Says:

    I don’t know what to say, I unfortunately am not crazy about going downtown. My hubby loves to go down on me, I do feel bad. I have a complex about being overweight and let that get in my way. I feel like I am under a microscope when I am doing it. I am not as attractive as I could be. He says I am beautiful, just overweight. Now it has been so long for him it is starting to get to him. We have been through a lot over the past 13 years and I know I am letting it get in the way. I feel resentful, because I feel like he thinks I owe him this. I supported him in prison for 10 years and I don’t think anyone should feel they owe anyone anything if that is not there thing. It just makes the pressure worse. I DO want help and to get over this distraction. I want to want to do it and I do not want to feel resentful if I do, like I have to do it for him to hang around. Will I ever be worthy?

  25. Zen Says:

    I am uncomfortable giving blow jobs for serveral reasons. I was molested as a child at age 8 and it involved the man sticking his tongue in my mouth and force french kissing me. His saliva and tongue made me gag and I was trying to get away from him> he would sneak around the house and grab me and fondle me… ii was awful and went on for years.
    The other reason is I had a bad car accident that gives me a lot of pain in my neck and jaw. My STBX husband wanted constant porno style drop to your knees and gimme a blow style oral sex. He refused to understand my issues and found ever more ways to demand his BJ’s like if you give me a BJ I’ll let you keep the baby…. really. He has left me after cheating on me a fourth time that I know of. I am well rid of him I know. I hope there are good men out there who don’t base love on one degrading act… a gentle heart and a gentle heart would work miracles.

  26. T Says:

    My husband loves head…even to the point where he’d rather just have that than sex. i don’t mind giving him any even if it means no satisfaction for me. i don’t really like giving them, and i don’t know why. but because i want my husband to be satisfied, i’m willing to put my issues aside and give him one. and yes, i do love seeing and hearing his reaction. i guess my thinking on this whole thing would be, i’d rather him be getting pleasure from me then from someone else. i’m not saying that will work for everyone or that all guys will cheat if not getting what they want.


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