Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?”
Straight Married Guy (Ben): Every guy has a regular masturbation frequency (RMF) that is more or less unchangeable (though over the long-term, factors which usually have nothing to do with sex — like age or stress — can influence it). Take however many orgasms a guy’s already having with his partner and multiply it by his RMF — that’s how much a guy will masturbate. For example, a friend tells you his RMF is 1.3, so if he’s had a total of 3 orgasms with his partner in the past week, you multiply that by 1.3 to get the number of times he’ll want to masturbate that week (about 4). Now, some guys are high (RMF=2 or more) and others are low (RMF=1 or less!). But even if he has a really low RMF, like .25, that still means he’ll want to masturbate once after he’s had sex five times with his partner that week. So don’t focus on whether or not he’s masturbating: it’s a given. Instead, engage him on what he’s doing while he’s masturbating — what he’s looking at, or imagining, or fantasizing about. That’s where you’ll learn about your guy.
Gay Committed Guy (Mark): Perhaps the most obvious answer would be “Why shouldn’t they?” (As long as it’s not interfering with the sex — “Sorry, honey, I’ve already come three times today.”) No, wait, the most obvious answer is, “Because they’re men.” I’m sure, when it’s all over with, that people don’t look back on their lives, regardless of gender, and wish they’d had fewer orgasms. Also, if it’s meant to be a monogamous relationship, better he should have the extra fun with himself than with some third (or fourth, etc.) party(-ies).
Straight Single Guy (Max): While it’s hard to believe, I think that most men view masturbation (which we’re addicted to, by the way) as completely separate from our sex lives. When you’re living the solo sex life, you’ve got your fantasies as well as hormones to answer to. The only solution is masturbation. Many turn to pornography. It’s sad. I understand then, that it must be confusing to women when we continue to masturbate, even while having great and consistent sex, after you’ve saved us from our lonely and always wanting existence.
Unfortunately, no matter how much we may love our lady friend and the sex that we have with her, it’s incredibly hard to fulfill our voyeuristic and most fantastic desires. We don’t want to cheat (most of us) and yet we have thoughts of other girls, other places and impossible situations. Thus, we masturbate. It’s the eternal answer to everything that plagues men. Don’t take it as an insult to your skills in bed, because trust me: You don’t want to do the things that we’re thinking about when masturbating.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England — both asked us to file them under “shy.” To ask the guys your own question, click here.
January 13th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
I think the RMF this is true for women as well.
January 13th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Why would we stop? The only person I know that doesn’t masturbate is the old guy down stairs, he reads the bible instead.
January 13th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Ok this really bothers me. I have no issue whatsoever with masturbation, but shouldn’t this apply to women too! And furthermore, I HATE this virgin/whore assumption that women wouldn’t want to do any of the things men fantasize about when they masturbate. How do you know? Some of us girls are kinky bitches!
January 13th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
(As long as it’s not interfering with the sex — “Sorry, honey, I’ve already come three times today.”)
I think this is the most important part. As long as it doesn’t keep him from having sex with me, then I really don’t care.
And guess what? Women do it too. I get off without my boyfriend at least a couple of times a week or more if we haven’t had sex as often.
January 13th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Masturbation is healthy for a guy and a girl in the relationship. Women have their fantasies too, and we masturbate to them; And like men, some women will fantasize about another man than our partner, its human nature. Without masturbation, we wouldn’t know how we like to be touched, and you find new touches throughout your life. It’s also fun to mix it up a bit in the bedroom, and watch your man masturbate while he’s watching you masturbate. Really sexy!!
January 14th, 2009 at 1:19 am
What’s with the assumption that women in relationships don’t masturbate? I do whether I’m in a relationship or not, and usually, more often if I’m having sex regularly than if I’m not.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Get over those preconceptions about masturbating and embrace the health benefits. Aside from being a sleep aid, mood enhancer, stress-reliever, self-confidence booster, muscle toner, etc. for both genders, it’s been proven that frequent masturbation helps men prevent prostate cancer (look it up, it’s true; it flushes the ducts), so it should be encouraged. For women, masturbation provides resistance to yeast infection and pain relief. It’s happy-making, free of charge and drug-free healthcare, people!
January 15th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
I think Ben may be on to something here… I know the long-term frequency for me has stayed pretty constant over time and is typically once or twice daily (purely for health reasons, you understand). It’s not the Apocalypse if I can’t but that’s where my ‘druthers lie. Oddly, my first girlfriend (who was a libidinous lass) encouraged me as a way of maintaining an active interest. Her philosophy was ‘the more you have, the more you want.’
January 16th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
“Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?”
Whether it’s a silly question or not it’s still a *frequently asked* one. Especially for anyone who hasn’t been exposed to, say, comprehensive sex education, where masturbation is usually covered as something that for *both* genders only loosely correlates to sexual activity with partners.
The good news is that learning your partner masturbates is *not* evidence that they’re dissatisfied with you. The even better news is that if you’re comfortable with masturbating but feel like you “shouldn’t” because you’re in a sexual relationship then… it’s ok to start again or continue.
The downside, if you want to call it that, is that *since* desire for masturbation isn’t closely linked to desire for partnered sex, and since it’s not always a *substitute* for partnered sex, it’s not safe to assume that if one’s partner masturbated less they’d automatically begin having more sex with their partners.
Finally, there are some great perspectives in the comments here, from Beth’s, Epiphany’s and other’s point that it’s not just men to Erika and Rei’s suggestions that it can be done together… which reminds me of one final exception: I’ve spoken to a number of women who wait till their partners fall asleep after sex to quietly masturbate because… their partners aren’t doing anything to help them and they don’t want their partner to know. To the extent that’s a problem it’s not the masturbating afterwards part — see Erika and Rei’s point that that can be fun too — it’s being uncomfortable letting one’s partner know something’s not working.
figleaf
January 20th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
that such questions can be asked by (supposedly) fully educated adult individuals is a sad commentary on the state of our educational system. any such system that so woefully under- or even mis-educates its graduates about such a central and crucial part of life is in dire need of repair – thank goodness a believer in comprehensive and age-appropriate sexual education has the reins these days…maybe now we can bring our teen pregnancy and sexual morbidity rates down to something a little more on par with the rest of the developed world. abstinence-only programs and the religious fundamentalism that motivates their use have greatly inhibited our progress as a society in addressing sexually dysfunctional behavior, and we’ll all be a lot happier and healthier when science trumps ignorant superstition in this area (not to mention all the others…)
January 20th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
what about if he masturbates after sex in order to have an orgasm?
January 21st, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Hey Straight Single Guy, what makes you think we wont do some of the stuff you fantasize about? have you asked?
January 23rd, 2009 at 7:39 pm
I do not know to much I mean I am very young Female but I am dating a much older guy and our sex life is amazing and very active, and we both masterbate on occasion…as far
January 23rd, 2009 at 7:47 pm
I told if it stands up,beat back down. LOL LOL
January 24th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
It’s safe, he’s not cheating, and as long as he saves some for me.
January 25th, 2009 at 7:33 am
i think playin with urself in front of ur partner is a turn on 4 me .We should all do it i masturbate in front of my women n she love it .Our sex life rock. Im a lesbian so that my view
January 26th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Hey fellas you might want to think about how vital that fluid you are ejaculating is and just how hard it is for your body to make more. The unconscious waste of semen is why so many modern men are weak, balding and so easily pushed around by overly strong women (who abound these days). Listen there is nothing wrong with masterbating, just dont ejaculate. 50 small orgasms are much better than one big one. Learn a little self mastery now before that little blue pill becomes your best freind. She will thank you too when you can last longer than 3 minutes or however long it takes for you to calm yourself of your pathetic “stress”.
January 26th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
William, I suspect you might own a copy of Dr. Kellogg’s 19th century anti-masturbation manifesto. Guess what? It has been totally debunked in the intervening 140 years.
Just to bring you up to speed, there’s also something called penicillin now, and they’re showing “talkies” down at the cinema.
January 26th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Interesting – I hadn’t ever come across Dr. Kellogg’s anti-masturbation manifesto. Interesting point of view, though I can’t believe it is terribly healthy. Regarding masturbation in general I think people have a pretty broad spectrum. I have had girlfriends that never, ever did it – honest – and some that were more comfortable with it. Some guys do it all the time, others don’t need it so much. That said, I can’t believe there isn’t an intimate relationship that wouldn’t benefit from it on both sides. I think I personally would go insane without it.
January 27th, 2009 at 3:30 am
I love to masterbate while my fiance does it with me, it helps us bond more together, and over time it has made me feel alot more comfortable with my body and my self esteem. my fiance tells me how sexy it is when I do it with him, I dunno but something about him getting off at the same time I do really turns me on.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:48 am
My boyfriend of 6 months recently “confessed” that he masturbates “to me” when we are not spending a night together. He made it sound as if it is a crime, but i was so touched and pleased and let him know that i was! I dont know who he was seeing before me, but she sounds so immature! A woman should realize that guys will masturbate and watch porn and while she may not embrace either of these traits, she should remember that in most cases they are harmless or, if embraced may even bring her man closer to her… and yes, i masturbate too when im not with him and it just makes me want him more when we are together
January 29th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
My boyfriend and I of 2 years started taking pictures of me for him to masturbate to. Even so, I laugh whenever I find porn sites on his internet explorer history. It’s totally normal to masturbate, for both sexes, and I find it hilarious that guys try to hide it, or think it’s so bad, like Julia’s boyfriend.
January 30th, 2009 at 3:02 am
I cannot believe I am just discovering this delicious little delight of a site. Kudos to the two of you…and all who participate; you are now in my favorites! Men masturbate -and I assume this holds true for women as well- because no one knows quite how to touch us like we touch ourselves…it’s not a mystery, everyone knows, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself…
January 30th, 2009 at 9:24 am
What if he masterbates instead of wanting to have sex and we live together. I am very open sexually and like to try a lot of different things but he won’t do it. We’ve talked about it but he claims he doesn’t know why which is bull shit!
January 30th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
I too touch myself while my husband and I have sex. It’s AWESOME !!!!! And he loves it too. He says thats DAMN HOT! I masterbate alone and with him and he has just now after 19 yrs of marriage gotten comfortable enough to allow me to watch. And I will tell you now dont EVER assume that we wont do those naughty things because we are married or sweet or whatever you wanna call it, I too am like beth because I am a kinkie lil bitch too and my man loves it !
February 2nd, 2009 at 5:30 pm
@ Dewdazzle: Aw, shucks. Thanks for stopping by!
@ Laurie: Maybe ask him if you can watch next time he does it, see if he likes that? If he does, then maybe you can take care of yourself while he takes care of himself? And who knows what that will lead to…
February 2nd, 2009 at 7:12 pm
I can’t answer the question, “Why do MEN masturbate…?”
Can anyone ever speak for everyone else?
I am in my sixties, and I can tell you this one truth that I know. I never masturbated while in a close relationship with a woman, unless she was holding out on me for reasons that only she could know.
If we were being close enough, often enough, there was never a need.
The need only arises when it gets to be too long since the last closeness.
Looking back, I can see that those times usually signaled the beginning of the end of the relationship, so, I say to all of you, male and female alike, if you are in that position, its time to have a real good heart-to-heart, gently, and without recriminations. You DO love each other, don’t you? If not, you SHOULD part.
February 8th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Its really great to have you all on board,
hahaha, these are the emotion and acts that every body tries in a life, and most of them happen when your partner is apart. If you partner is with you there is no need to do any thing that stupid.
March 21st, 2009 at 4:59 am
stupid ass people. If you have a beautiful girlfriend.. spend your time enjoying her, not fake ass women on porn sites..
May 31st, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I do understand your comment Andy, but realistically, even if your girlfriend is Angelina Jolie, he’ll still be looking at other women, on the street, porn movies, internet, etc. And to be fair, women do the same, look at other attractive men. Looking is always ok, its harmless, but if you act on these other people, than its cheating and that is where it stops.
May 19th, 2012 at 4:30 am
Plz belive me,
I was a very beautiful boy, i realy mean it, when i was about 9 years old everyone wanted to touch me, and about 5 times they tried to rape me(men), i was very very smart that i could solve math problems that you wont ever belive.
WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS
I lost my everything, my intelligence, my beauty( i mean my innocence)
BECAUSE OF MASTURBATION
Now i’m typing this i want to cry.
Plz dont do that.
August 15th, 2012 at 7:27 pm
to Erika who thinks that mastubation decreases the risk of prostate cancer, I have to tell you that you are wrong buddy. Look at the new stufy that was done. It suggested the exect opposite of what you think. because it actually INCREASES PROSTATE CANCER risk.
http://www.livescience.com/7658-masturbation-increase-risk-prostate-cancer.html
January 21st, 2013 at 11:35 pm
I love when men masterbate. I think its sexy…esp when they’re thinking of me. Lol and I have one sexy hell of a dude who loves my boobs and fat ass. He doesn’t live with me so all he can do is to himself. I do it a lot when I think of him.
Oooh…I’m getting hot already. Maybe I should just do it right about now.. gonna see him later anyways. I know he loves fantasizing about having sex…porn…in and out..and all wet. Although he is married, that sex there is just sad and all work with no life. That’s why married men give it harder then single ones.