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Your Call: Can She Be Friends with Her Ex?

Thu, Jan 29, 2009

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

woman_phonephoto by mistress_f

We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo,

I don’t know what’s healthy any more! My boyfriend and I broke up a month ago, I was upset but not heartbroken and since then I’ve been out with another guy a few times. Then recently, we got drunk and fell into bed. However, I kept my underwear on and we ended up talking like prudish grown-ups. We both admitted to liking one another but he says he is not ready for a relationship because he is a year out of a marriage and still grieving over that. He also told me he was having one-night stands occasionally. I told him I was 36, totally ready for a relationship and would like to have a family one day so I really didn’t want to muck around waiting for his head to get right. The upshot is that we decided to be friends but I have realized that I do like this guy. He is 34.

Here is the problem. Sure, it would be great to have some sex but my priority is to find love. Should I flag the friendship altogether because it will likely stop me from dating properly or continue to try the friends track in the vain hope that he will be “ready”‘ soon? Please help! I’m sick of my own tortured brain.

– Stuck in the Friend Zone

If you can’t see the poll, click here to take it.

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17 Responses to “Your Call: Can She Be Friends with Her Ex?”

  1. Johnny Says:

    Nah. Your desire to be around this guy is based on attraction and romantic interest. You didn’t meet as friends, right? You’ve been out a handful of times, and it’s not like you have a history to preserve.

    I predict that when you meet a guy who’s on the same page as you and you wind up in a relationship, you’ll totally lose interest in this friendship.

  2. Jennifer Says:

    I dunno if I’d call this guy an “ex”, but I think it’d be a lot easier on you in the short term to boink him and end up pretending he’s going to be your boyfriend/future husband and babydaddy if you keep on hanging around him.

    And since FAMILY is your goal, and he’s already said NO to this (if he wanted to change his mind for you, he would, but he ain’t), I’d say to drop him as a psuedo-friend/fuck until you find a guy who is going to give you what you want. This guy will probably hamper your desire to find a father for your children- you’ll want to convert him rather than find a guy who wants the same.

    Don’t go there.

  3. Maggie Says:

    take it from someone who’se done the whole friends with benefits thing… doesn’t work out. lost one of my good friends that way. its too hard when you both don’t ultimately want the same thing. I say move on. If he’s really meant to be in your life, then he’ll be back, and on the same page as you.

  4. Been There Says:

    Been there, done that. Waiting for him to grow up. Waiting for him to be ready. Please, if you aren’t enough for him now, you won’t be later. Trust me. I’m in the same exact situation. Now, three and a half years later, he’s still not ready to settle down. The best thing (because of temptation) is to completely cut off contact. Ask him not to contact you anymore, and you should do the same, no matter how tempted. Put him in your past and find someone who is ready for you. Don’t even try to be friends. I wish you the best of luck.

  5. kb Says:

    this doesn’t sound like being friends. This sounds like “should I keep hoping he’ll want a relationship?” if that’s your only reason for hanging around him, you’re not his friend. I at least personally hate guys like that, so why should this guy like it when you do it. If you want to be friends, be friends. but look for your relationship elsewhere.

  6. dana Says:

    You, and only you will know when it’s time to move on, as soon as you do, he will be ready because he won’t be willing to give ou up to someone else, but remember this is a test of strength to follow thru. Follow your heart, but don’t be a fool.

  7. Stuck in the Zone Says:

    Genuine thanks to the people who gave honest advice. I’m seeing him on Wed. night….and I will explain myself and cut it off then. Cheers.

  8. heartbraker Says:

    wellp, i think that you should play with him a little. ok, you like him, but he doesnt want a relationship right now. do everything you know he likes, like kind tease him, i guess is wat im trying to say. then go out a few times to a party or something.
    (social event). Then come home and tell him how much fun you had lst night, hanging out with your friend dancing with guys… even if you didnt stretch the truth a little. then he’ll want that… he’ll want to be apart of that.. you get wat im saying…

  9. Lynn Says:

    There’s nothing wrong with staying friends, if that’s all you really want.
    If you really desire a lasting relationship with him and he has already told you he’s not looking for one, you need to move on and find someone who wants the same things you do.
    Take it from someone who’s been there a time or two, you will never change a guy who doesn’t want to change.
    Whatever you decide to do I wish you all the luck in the world!

  10. jane Says:

    take it from someone who’se done the whole friends with benefits thing… doesn’t work out. lost one of my good friends that way. its too hard when you both don’t ultimately want the same thing. I say move on. If he’s really meant to be in your life, then he’ll be back, and on the same page as you.

  11. Chawn Says:

    Hello there, well i think from looking at this blog you probably have gotten your answer and made your decision on what to do but i just want to say i am currently in a situation like that and i started hanging out with this guy that would do things for me right when we first started hanging out yea know and acting sooo sweet and nice so what am i to figure about that wow he really likes me and is maybe willing to go further with this. Well not the case here. He ended up telling me he really likes me but to busy for a relationship. So Then i decided as hard as it was to not txt him, call him ec. one day (like a week later) he called me asked if we could hang out and of course i said yes thinkin’ not a big deal. So we hung out and it just ended in great sex(which i always had with him) and we called it at that. So it’s like an everyone once in a while hang out mainly for yea know…..:) we don’t let emotions get to us or anything and it seems to be alright. guess it depends how strong you can be with your emotions. Take care. :)

  12. andrea Says:

    just get out of it. if a guy really likes you, he will be ready for you and you only. it hurts, but you can do it. walk away with your head held up high kn owing that you are too good for that. you will find someone that will treat you the way you deserve. you will miss him for a while, and he will miss you. maybe he will regret it. hang tough. women are way stronger than men!! good luck.

  13. Maylin Torres Says:

    If u want to get back with the guy or he still feels something over u…y not??? this person once cared about u with all his hearth u never know there might be something there still…i tell u from experience if he still calls u, pick up…but if he doesn’t then move on…An ex doesn’t call for nothing…now if u dont want to be with him at all then just let him go…but be careful because men cant handle rejection…so it might make him call u even more…good luck!!!

  14. Anna Banana Says:

    Sorry to say you need to walk away from this one, especially if he is just fresh out of a divorce. I was in the same situation, dated a man only 1 year out of the divorce, we got along wonderful, everything was good but 14 months later, he still isn’t ready for a committed relationship and doesn’t trust his emotions, told me he didn’t want to stop me from finding happiness and I had to do what I had to do to find it. I listened and walked away. Listen to what he is telling you, even if it is hard to accept. I have always been told that when a man wants you, really want’s you he will stop at nothing to get you so don’t be sitting there in a year or two wondering if he will change his mind and want you, he already told you where he’s at. Good luck in your search for love…..

  15. Eda says Says:

    From my experience….it’s very difficult to be friends with an ex. They feel as if they own you and they can do whatever they want but you should stay faithful and truthful to them. In my opinion you should stay friends but from a distance. If you go anywhere with him make sure it’s public and keep the relationship on a friendship level….No Sex no matter what…………..The person I consider my friend is having a hard time because I’m celebrating celibacy. One minute he says he understands and next minute he begs me not to take away the sex…….go figure!!

  16. jodie Says:

    there is no reason to hang on to something that you have no control over move on get over it

  17. Chelsea Says:

    I have been in exactly the same situation before and what I’m about to advise may sound harsh. If this man was really into you it wouldn’t matter that he was still heartbroken he would be ready to move on and he certainly wouldn’t be having one night stands. He has been a year out of a marriage not a week. Plenty of people move on within that time and usually because they met the right person. When someone falls in love it really doesn’t matter what is going on in their life. It sounds as though he is using you as either a shoulder to cry on or for casual sex as a way to get over his ex wife. Don’t let yourself be used that way. You deserve better than that. You deserve true love and don’t settle for anything less.

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