photo by SimplySchmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
There’s only so long that you can screen your calls/be out to lunch/be infected with a mysterious genital inflammation/be home washing your hair/be abducted by aliens on your lunch break. It’s time to face the music, dude.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You will be loud, obnoxious and a little erratic this week–but somehow, this will only add to your charm. (We never said any of this astrology stuff had to make sense.)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Scientists have proven that for every hundred instances of casual sex, the “casual” aspect is actually mutual only once or twice. The odds are against you, and this week, they finally catch up to you. Unless you catch this horoscope in the nick of time (say, before Wednesday) and have the presence of mind to take a cold shower and ward off an unwelcome hopelessly devotee at the pass.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Anyone who judges you by the size of your wallet (or any other body part) doesn’t deserve the great oral sex you give.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Sure, go right ahead and open your heart to that hottie you just met. Tell them all your hopes and dreams; admit to your deepest, darkest secrets; show them the porn collection under your bed; invite them home to meet your weird parents; leave a toothbrush in their bathroom; ask them their opinion on joint checking accounts. Just don’t come crying to us when that hottie departs so fast they leave skid marks.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Open your eyes: There is more than one person interested in you. And knowing you, you’re probably going to pick the wrong one.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Get on the road this week, even if it’s just to the deli three blocks down. A chance encounter in the midst of your travels could lead to a “special friendship.” Of course, getting on the road to Italy or Paris could make that special friendship a hell of a lot more exciting and sexy and full of cool accents. Three blocks may just mean you get some jerky and fresh air.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It’s going to feel like a week in the life of a rockstar this week. Groupie sex offered at every turn! Drugs! Booze! Paparazzi! Commitment-free oral sex! But remember, you’re not actually a rockstar, so you can’t actually act like an asshole and get away with it. Or maybe you can, but we’d really rather you didn’t.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You call it “free-spirited”; we call it “about as evolved as a dog sniffing another dog’s poopy-butt.” Don’t come crying to us when you die alone.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Commitment is catching up to you fast. Put on your running shoes if you don’t want to get bit in the ass (though ass-biting is an oft underrated pleasure).

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
The charm is just oozing out of your pores this week (trust us, that’s sexier than it sounds). Sure, you can flirt, but why stop there? Ask someone you just met to be your boyfriend/girlfriend. Tell your crush to go upstairs and get in your bed, à la Moonstruck. Buy someone you’ve never met before flowers. You’ll be surprised by the reactions you get. (Hey, we’re not guaranteeing that you’ll be pleased with those reactions, just surprised.)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The good-looking idiots you keep ending up with are really starting to annoy your friends, including us–to say nothing of the havoc they’re wreaking on your own IQ. Stupidity is contagious. Put a condom on your intellectual life, Einstein.