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Confession: Holy Rolling Hotties

Thu, Feb 19, 2009

Confessions, Personal Post

jesusphoto by kevindooley

Our contributor Lisa DiCarlucci, a journalism student at Hofstra, has a confession to make:

I’ve been going to church every week for as long as I can remember. For 12 years, I was a proud, plaid-skirt-and-knee-sock-wearing Catholic school girl. And I’ve always felt I’m a pretty good Catholic…well, minus the whole purity thing. While I attend church out of faith, I admit that what gets me through the long sermons is sinful, unrepentant ogling. There is nothing more irresistible to me than the idea of ripping the clothes off those conservative, God-fearing, boyishly good-looking churchgoers.

While I’m an extremely religious person, I’m also a liberal one. I understand how this can seem strange, even contradictory to some. And perhaps that’s what makes my fondness for “good boys” so intense: a part of me knows it’s wrong to lust after my neighbors. But that only makes me want them more!

High school was where these two competing forces in my life started waging their war, with my liberal sexuality seeming to win every battle. My raging hormones really resented the fact that I attended an all-girls academy, so I joined the drama club at the all boys’ high school. I pretended it was out of a desperate need to express my creativity, when really it was just out of a simple need to make out. And while fifteen-year-old boys aren’t exactly shining examples of class and maturity, the jacket-and-tie get-ups they donned really helped their case. After all, who doesn’t love a man in uniform? I’d pin my newest boyfriend to a locker under a portrait of Jesus and loosen his tie as priests wandered the halls. Second base never felt so good.

Not until college did it occur to me that my fondness for Catholic school boys might not just be out of convenience: it might actually be a fetish!

When I first got to campus and found out Hofstra University had Catholic Mass every Sunday, honestly, the thought of mingling with the opposite sex hardly crossed my mind. My religious side was just excited to find her peeps. The first night I went to Mass, however, I couldn’t help but notice that the campus minister had an enchanting smile and was only a few years older than me. Then I looked around and realized that everyone else in attendance was my age. Wow, I thought, I wouldn’t even have to peer around any old, balding, smelly men to get a good look at the hotties!

And, my lord, were there hotties. I was immediately smitten with a tall boy from Connecticut. When I found out he was on the executive board of the College Republicans, I could have done him right then and there. There is just something about those clean-cut, never-been-touched, saving-myself-for-marriage types that makes me want to defile them, to tempt them into going against everything they stand for just to make sweet, sweet love to me. Is that a sin? Well then bless me Father!

While I have yet to bed Mr. College Republican, I have certainly been making the rounds. On a recent evening at church, I was singing at the front so I was able to get a good look at the flock. And sitting there, mere feet from each other, were 1) my ex-boyfriend, 2) the guy who took me out to dinner last weekend, and 3) the guy who I hooked up with the weekend before. For a moment I thought maybe I needed to dial it back a bit, but then I realized that church may just be the best place to find a man. After all, it’s classier than a sleazy frat party, more personal than an overcrowded bar, and the guys clearly have their morals in order (at least their non-sexual ones).

Any regrets or inner conflicts I had were gone when I looked out onto my formal flings and realized that each of them, though not perfect for me, were charming, polite, and great at kissing. Oh, and our new campus minister was even better looking than the last one. God, it feels good to be bad!

– Lisa DiCarlucci

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4 Responses to “Confession: Holy Rolling Hotties”

  1. Beth Says:

    This made me LOL

  2. Kelsey Says:

    I could not agree/relate to this article more! I went to Catholic school for 13 years, and 4 of those years were at an all-girls Catholic High School. And let me tell you, nothing made me happier than going to the all-boys school down the street. Seeing them on “formal” dress days made me happy to be alive.

  3. Forever Young Says:

    I used to go to Hillel for the guys!!!!!!!!

  4. c Says:

    mmm… men in a nice jacket & tie are so sexy. I completely agree, was also raised catholic. found another sweet, respectful non-practicing catholic to make mad love to & we’ve been together for over 3 years now


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