Dear Em & Lo: Help, My Friend Is Sleeping with My Ex!

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Dear Em & Lo,

I am so confused and upset. I recently found that my ex-boyfriend and a girl who I thought was a close friend of mine have been dating behind my back.

The back story is that he and I dated for a year and broke up a year and a half ago when he got back together with his ex-girlfriend (who had been engaged). My friend, S, had been dating his best friend for about a year, and she broke up with him for her ex as well. S and I remained friends throughout this. She knew how hard my break-up was. Anyway, it’s a year and a half later and they are both single and now are sleeping together and “dating casually.”

I know their actions together have nothing to do with me. I just wonder — I thought it was uncool to hook up or date your friend’s ex. Am I overreacting? My heart feels broken over what someone I thought was a friend did.

— Brokenhearted in Brooklyn

Dear BiB,

Um, wait, we missed the part where their actions have nothing to do with you. Not true! She’s your close friend and he’s your long-time serious ex. Whether they admit it or not, when they bump uglies it has everything to do with you… at least, so long as it’s breaking your heart, it does. Especially if they’re doing it behind your back. So low!

As a general rule, we think it’s bad manners — not to mention bad taste — to date or sleep with a friend’s ex, a.k.a. “dating the floor model.” Why ruin a perfectly good friendship for a hook-up that, let’s face it, probably won’t last the season? The ONLY way we think it’s acceptable to move in on a friend’s ex is to (a) wait until that friend has reached some kind of relationship closure (that clearly hasn’t happened here), (b) give the friend a heads up first so they’re not blindsided by the news (er, again, your friend seriously failed you here), and (c) only do this if you’re convinced that there’s some kind of deep love connection and that you’d be defying Cupid to ignore it (once again, totally not the case here). In other words, yep, what your friend did was 100% uncool. No wonder you’re brokenhearted!

We also think it’s uncool of your ex to do this too, but whatever — you expect exes to act like assholes. That’s why they’re exes, after all.

But back to your “friend.” Not only is she kinda screwing you over, she’s kinda screwing her ex over by dating his BFF too! Talk about a double whammy. If you really value whatserfuck’s friendship and think she deserves a second chance, then confront her on the matter, explain how hurt you are, and see what kind of defense she has to offer. You don’t have to accept her defense, of course — we’re having trouble imagining a good excuse for this situation: “Ohhhhhh riiiiiight…THAT was the guy who put your heart through the blender! I didn’t recognize him without the goatee!”

We guess it could just be a matter of the forbidden being all the more tempting, of obstacles (or in this case morals) standing in the way of love (or lust) thereby making it all the more appealing. That’s the nature of the beast. But there’s Romeo and Juliet, and then there’s Gossip Girl.

If she gives you one of these excuses and you buy it — great! You’ll have gotten the closure you deserve. If, on the other hand, she gives you one of these excuses and you don’t buy it — or if you can’t be bothered with a big Talk and just want to cut to the chase — then go ahead and bench her. Because dating is hard enough on the heart when your friends have your back. But when they don’t? It’s soul-destroying.

Your friends,

Em & Lo

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21 Comments on "Dear Em & Lo: Help, My Friend Is Sleeping with My Ex!"


sonia
5 years 10 months ago

well i was sleeping with my boss who became my pastor and a while after we were at church he started talkin to juanita another member who knew how i felt about him and she was like a sister to me and now they are google eyed and sleepin together that scandalous bitch and cold harded pimp so i text him about it and he didnt want his wife to find out so he told me to not text anymore so i said ok assclown il also not call u and so that happened on june 15 and i had been textin him and calln for the past three years and i havent called or text since and it drives him crazy! and trust me now he makes excuses to be n my face but he chose her over me so sorry assclown and i was so n love with him and now he stares at me cause i come around with my sexy hills and dresses that accentuate my ass and tits and he almost falls over hisself tryna get my attention and now she can barely talk to me and glares at me but she can kiss my ass and lick his and he can try but hell never get the cookie again lookn good and being successful is the best revenge! love u first and pic wisely love u

maranda
6 years 8 days ago

This has happened to me also. The part that hurts the most is that I treated the girl like a sister, went above and beyond to be a great friend. In retrospect I see she barely put forth any effort. She was the only person I trusted enough to bring around my boyfriend because ….this same situation has happened to me before…They both knew how much it hurt me the first time, yet I guess I didn’t mean enough to either of them to care. I was notified via a txt message from her stating that “they were going out and to call if I was upset.” So I called to let her know it wasn’t cool…later I hear they’ve been fooling around even when we were still together. I feel that I can not be mad with my ex, like another post said I can expect him to be an asshole. But apparently our 6 year friendship was worth less to her than to try my leftover forbidden fruit. I guess this is why you have choose your friends wisely. I guess my warning signs should have been her desparate lonliness, and sleeping around. Truth is, any one who threw her a bone would have got in. I’m just glad she showed her true colors before I wasted more time trying to be the amazing friend that I am. All I can do is laugh and hold my head high because obviously they deserve each other since they’re cut from the same cloth.

6 years 1 month ago

Можно и по этому вопросу, ведь только в споре может зародиться истина. :)

6 years 5 months ago

your friend having affairs with ur ex any way if you really love ur ex wait 4 him and belief if is urs he would surely come back to you , dont mind the love affair within them if u real love wait 4 him

farilluh
6 years 5 months ago

its really difficalt to see your love with your best friend and they are having sex or affair the one thing i am gonna say if you really love him and trust you will get him one day just wait for him and dont let any guy come close to you
try to show him how much you love him and how long you can wait for him