Advice from three of our guy friends. A few weeks ago, one woman wanted to know “Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?” In his response, Max (one of our Single Straight Guys) said, “Trust me: You don’t want to do the things that we’re thinking about when masturbating.” So we wanted to know “What DO guys think about when they masturbate?” Ironically, of all three guys’ answers to this follow-up question, it’s Max’s that we thought was the most tame:
Straight Single Guy (Max): In order to masturbate, I have to have some kind of scenario in my head. It can be past experiences, girls that I’ve been with and (perhaps most often) girls that I want to be with. It might be the girl that was making eyes at me earlier in the day (though the likelihood is that I was making eyes at her and just misinterpreting her look of “what are you staring at?”) or perhaps stranger subjects, such as fictional girls from dreams, co-workers, or women that you might consider out of your age range but still attractive (there’s a reason that MILF is a household word). Oftentimes, the male mind is most interested in the forbidden. For instance, the girlfriend that wouldn’t try anal? It’s only going to happen in your head. Already have a girlfriend but have the hots for her friends? Save everyone the heartache. You really want to break into your workplace late at night and pour champagne all over each other and do it on your boss’s desk? You won’t get arrested if it’s just a dream. Bisexual fantasies? Go for it. Essentially, I view masturbation as a time for completely uncensored fantasy. Whatever comes to mind and turns me on, I go with it. And as far as girls’ fantasies go? I’m amazed when I talk to my girl friends and they all say that they don’t think about much of anything… just concentrating. Weird.
Gay Committed Guy (Mark): As a very private person who sticks to a fairly small collection of gay vanilla porn for solo gratification, the specifics of this one are probably out of my league. Fantasies are boundless and infinitely various — that’s sort of the point, right? — regardless of whether one is a man or a woman. (Although I’d like to ask Max, a.k.a. “you don’t want to know” what could be so bad. Violence? Unsanctioned excrement? Pets?) That said, some educated guesses as to what some straight guys might be thinking of while wanking:
1) Women who are not their wives/girlfriends.
2) Their wives/girlfriends doing really degrading stuff (see above).
3) Men.
Straight Married Guy (Ben): Guys’ fantasies fall into three distinct categories: The Unique, The Unfulfilled and The Unmentionable. The Unique are what women want us to fantasize about — previous sexual encounters, preferably with your current partner, that we’re reliving in our heads. Or, about one percent of our fantasies. The Unfulfilled are the things we really, really want but are mostly too chicken to ask for — the threesome with that hot couple at the bar last night, the cute intern, you and your sister, with or without us. This is about 60 percent. But then there’s that last 39 percent — The Unmentionables. These are the things that make us hot — we don’t know why — and are actually too out there even for us. This is the macho degradation porn. Or the animals. Or the three gigs of dwarves on the hard drive. It doesn’t make sense, especially to us. But you know what? Sometimes, it’s exactly what’s needed to get the job done.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England — both asked us to file them under “shy.” To ask the guys your own question, click here.
February 3rd, 2009 at 5:12 pm
I’m going to have to go ahead and disagree with Ben’s 39%. I think I’m a pretty sexual/horny/dirty (married) guy, and I’ve never fantasized about anything that doesn’t fall into one of the first two categories. Ever. It’s not that things don’t get dirty, it’s just that they don’t get… *wrong*. For me, anyway.
That said, there are fantasies that I think guys wouldn’t necessarily share with their partners, but mostly because of who it is you’re fantasizing about, maybe occasionally what you’re fantasizing about… but not because it’s something that Ben drops into the Unmentionables category.
I’m trying not to judge here, but that just sounds off-base to me.
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Well, as a female…I have to agree with Max’s girlfriends. I have never felt the need to fantasize when I have the real deal right in bed with me. If I care enough to have him in my bed, then he is what I want and thinking of something or someone else is not necessary. It is much more rewarding to just enjoy the intensity of the pleasure and not be distracted by other thoughts.
February 4th, 2009 at 2:41 am
Will – I think that may just mean that you have a different definition of *wrong* – some people put things into that category that the rest of us consider unique, but not wrong
Texas – I was about to tell Max that all of his girl friends were lying to him, and then I read your comment. But I think he was asking about fantasy while masturbating, not fantasy while engaged with a partner.
February 4th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Epiphany….whoops…you are right. It was about masturbation. Teach me to not be so quick to reply. Thanks for the heads up!!!
February 5th, 2009 at 8:33 am
my ex-boyfriend and i had very open sexual fantasies. we told them to each other while we were doing it, putting different spins on them each time, going as far into the Unmentionable area as we could – swapping, rape, anonymous sex, bi, you name it. it was very freeing for us both, and i have to thank him for that. i can honestly say that they were the best sexual experiences i have ever had.
February 5th, 2009 at 11:14 am
I am female and still fly solo when I feel like it even though I’m in a good relationship (with good sex). It’s a completely different experience. Sex is better but masturbation isn’t “worse”.. it’s just different. Besides, any type of orgasm is great, whether it happens by yourself or with someone and they’re different.
February 7th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
I was just reading your column about what guys fantasize about? and most of yall said three somes in the list well coming from a Single bi sexual girl who doesnt look to shabby if i may say so myself how come soome guys are ok with my sexuality and some aren’t i am always willing to bring along a friend if that is what they want but some times they snarl their noses in disgust.
February 8th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
C’mon, I am a woman and I fantasize about different men, other than my fiance. It’s a ‘fantasy’ not reality. When max says that his girl friends ‘concentrate’ more than fantasizing, they must mean concentrating on the satisfaction of getting pleasured in itself. I get lots of pleasure sexually from my fiance, and its great. But everyone has their deep dark pleasure fantasies they only share with themselves
February 9th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
Well me and my boyfriend are veryopen in bed communication is key hopefully you are comfortable with them to tell you want you want. There are surten things my boyfriend likes done but I nessasarly don’t like doing them but I do bc it makes him feel good and I can see how turned on he is so it excites me all I would say is try things out side the box and don’t be a selfish lover some of the best times u have Harbin bed was seeing my partner getting off so hard.
February 11th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
I think for women fantasy is something she thinks about with her eyes closed. For most men it’s just what he’s looking at. So, what do men choose to look at? I’m gonna say 95% of straight men look at slim, 18-28 year old women that don’t look like their wives or girlfriends. For most men it’s women they probably could never get into bed. It’s also women who clearly like sex and aren’t shy about being sexy. It’s the 10% of all women that 95% of all men want. Men’s “fantasy” about them helps keep 95% of relationships intact.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Its a fact that fantasies do spice up the sexual life. Me and my husband are openly share our fantasies while making sex . He fantasies i being pounded by my ex boy friend or by his friend who has always eyes on me.it makes me havin orgasms many times
July 24th, 2009 at 3:15 am
So i was just browsing thru the archives when i saw this one, and have to disagree with the idea that women don’t fantasize when they masterbate – i find it really difficult to come at all if i don’t, and my fantasies are really varied.
Sex with boyfriends – past and current, strangers, other women… including lots of stuff that i wouldn’t necessarily ever act out but still gets me hot. Women really have to be in the right frame of mind, so unless you are already hot and bothered its not going to happen by just “concentrating”. (I’m just saying)
September 12th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Im a 23 year old hot woman who has been in a relationship with my partner for over a year and a half. The sex is good, but I recently found out my partner fantasizes about other women he has seen whilst he has been out with me, or out on his own. How long is it until a guy takes it that step further? How long is it before the fantasy becomes a reality and they are in bed with the fantasy? I have a sexy figure, curves in all the right places so I have been told by many men… big boobs and a nice bum… so why does my boyfriend choose to fantasize over other women? What do they have that I don’t and why can’t men understand that by doing this and telling your girlfriend, makes your girlfriend feel inadequate or that she is missing something? After all I am the stereotypical male fantasy, big tits a nice face and great arse! Should I be marrying this guy?! Is this normal? I’d love to hear back from both guys and girls!
September 12th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
“Sassy Sarah” I’m in the same boat as you, 23, with “just the right amount of muscle and curves” (34D, flat/toned stomach, and an ass to boot) and I see no man in sight that is ready to settle down. I’m betting it’s 6-7 more years before guys our age are ready for anything. If your guy is around our age I’m guessing he’s still a little too young for serious commitment.
Sadly, I’ve found a body type like ours suggests more a a great one-night stand for guys than a serious relationship. Physical appearance is DEFINITELY not what makes a guy fully commit to a relationship. But fantasizing is not cheating in my book–he at least told you, which is more than I’d say most guys would do. I’d prefer the guy to be open with me like that–unless he is comparing you (then throw him to the curb!)
You can find multiple people objectively attractive but that’s different than emotional attachment.
December 29th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
well me and my boyfriend have been together for going on 2 years now and i sometimes fantasies about things, but i mean just because i do it dose it mean he dose too?? i mean i never really think about anyone in general just what i would like done to me while im in the act, i have never fantised about a man or any one in general but it kinda worrys me if he is doing the same thing but placeing the face with the name if ya know what i mean, i dont really feel bad for what i do cause it dosnt mean anything but ive always been self consiouse on if i can please a man or not. any advise?
December 29th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
I’m sorry, but I can’t stand the thought of my husband fantasizing about someone else. To me, that’s the same as cheating–which is why I don’t do it. I don’t feel like it’s wrong for me to ask that of him. I mean, is it really that difficult to think about your wife? If it is, then you should have never gotten married, as the lifestyle apparently doesn’t suit you.
December 30th, 2009 at 2:58 am
To ‘Katie’ and ‘Sassy Sarah,’ I’m the same in terms of body type and just a tad younger than you both, but I just wanted to throw in my two cents that there are guys in our age bracket that are looking for commitment. You’re just probably not gonna find them in the usual places that girls our age seem to like picking up guys– bars, gyms, the mall. But they’re out there, it just takes time and the willingness to build a friendship, first and foremost
Anyway, any decent, well-grounded guy will understand that his fantasies are just that. If a man/woman splits up a perfectly good relationship to hook up with another person, fantasizing is probably the last thing to blame. More likely it’s immaturity or callousness or any myriad other things.
And don’t focus on why someone should be with you because you’re a ‘dream girl’ with a perfect body. If that’s why you think he should be with you… he probably shouldn’t! Physical attraction has its place in any relationship, even one night stands. So look further and focus on your honesty, your openness, your trust. Is it your humor, your supporting nature, your unselfishness, your intelligence that makes you unique? Cultivate those gems of your personality instead of falling prey to self-doubt or insecurity. If you simply talk openly to each other– including about your fantasies– you’ll be doing way more for your relationship than your 34D’s ever could
And back to fantasies… I would presume that men with no intentions of settling down fantasize just as much as men who are happily married. It’s not the defining benchmark of one’s personality, and if it makes one less fit for marriage– well, I’ve definitely broken that rule!
To the ladies who are worried about their partner’s mental escapades, try not to make your boyfriend’s fantasizing about you– because it’s not. Men and women, we all like variety to some degree. Fantasizing is the healthy way to achieve that balance. Just like no one person can be *everything* for another, it’s silly and unfair to expect that your partner should be able to fulfill your every sexual desire and whim. Would *you* really want that responsibility? Brad Pitt is with a woman who many would consider the most beautiful in the world– but you can bet your ass he has fantasies, just like the rest of us.
Think about it. Some women can’t orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone, and there are plenty who can’t climax without the stimulation that only a vibrator can provide. Should this then make their lovers feel inferior? Of course not! It’s no fault of their partner. Similarly, many men and women probably have difficulty getting aroused or even can’t orgasm without that added mental stimulation of a fantasy. Why should that be a punishable offense?
I say all this because I’ve been with my husband for two and a half years, and we have been pretty open about our fantasies with one another; sometimes it’s lead to us acting them out, sometimes just to discussion, but it’s a very valuable experience and it also builds a lot of trust in a relationship. I’m sure he has some fantasies he won’t ever tell me, and I know I have a few I won’t be sharing with him, but it’s perfectly all right to keep some things personal as long as that trust is there. Fantasies ought to be viewed as something valuable, not harmful.
I would never, ever consider it cheating, regardless of who the fantasy is about. I think it’s paramount to feel comfortable and free inside your own mind. If anything, making someone feel that they can’t even have *mental* freedom when they’re with you will kill a relationship faster than any fantasy ever could.
Fantasies are an important part of our sexuality and I think it’s a shame that many people feel ashamed to have them. They’re a wonderful part of being human and having desires, so enjoy it. Love is far too important a thing to be taken so seriously.
December 30th, 2009 at 11:10 am
well said Kirsten.. Whatever goes in in a guys head should be no threat to a relationship unless he either a)acts on it or b) you make such a fuss over what ultimately are thoughts he has no control over that you drive him away anyway. If a guy is comfortable enough with you to reveal his innermost thoughts then a) is very unlikely unless you go all b) on him.. ;0)
December 30th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Ladies, it isn’t a big deal. It has no impact on the relationship, (well, unless that’s a good one) I can attest to that, as my Man and I have been together longer than a good number of you have been alive.
We both, as normal people, sometimes fantasize about other people, when you have sex with the same person, day in and day out, it is normal to fantasize. Also, some people can’t reach climax without a little fantasy.
ALL men do this, and I would be nearly all sexually mature women do it. It’s just part of life. I often DO think about my Man while we are making love, but often I think of other people (often it isn’t even a real person, just an idea) and he also does. Sometimes we will share what we are thinking about and sometimes we won’t. It has NO bad effects on the relationship, as we have withstood decades together.
In fact, I would like to say that trying to CONTROL what your partner thinks about during sex is very dangerous to the relationship. What goes on in HIS mind is HIS business and same for you.
It is NOT “cheating.” It’s just play. Don’t you every Play during sex? You don’t pretend to be other people, or engage in scenes? You never fantasize about more than one guy at a time? Or even the occasion girl? That’s just normal. I can’t imagine how boring sex might eventually be (or at least conventional and clinical) if it were the same every time. Maybe this idea (not being “allowed” to fantasize) it the reason so many of the other women my age (over 35) have virtually STOPPED having sex with their partners. It just got stale and old and predictable and BORING.
I also think that either of you trying to control your thoughts during sex is damaging not only to the sex, but to the entire relationship. YOU don’t get to have that kind of power over your man. He doesn’t have it over you, either. It is a good way to destroy a relationship. Get a good decade in with your man and get back to me. When a relationships lasts NOBODY has “control” over an other in such a manipulative way. (At least not if both of you are emotionally healthy.) Good relationships have a lot of play and a LOT of tolerance in them.
If it bothers you that much, DON’T ask him. Because he IS fantasizing, so you can either have him lie, or have him tell the truth and then feel bad for a perfectly normal activity.
It doesn’t have to do with “how good” or how “good looking” you are, all people crave variety and fantasy can fill that need WITHOUT cheating.
After you have been having sex for more than just a couple of years, you’ll know what I mean.