photo by SimplySchmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’ll be in the mood for love. Hmm, wonder why? Could it be because everyone in the universe is making sickeningly sweet Valentine’s Day plans but you? Maybe it’s because doing it with your left hand is not as authentic-feeling as everyone says. Maybe you’re just bored… or depressed. Whatever it is, get a little closer to someone you recently met and find out how they feel about you. This might not solve your love problem, but it’ll at least be a nice distraction.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Finally, your persistence will pay off. At long last, what you’ve been waiting for. Yes, it’s true, it’s been a long time coming, but believe us, it will have been worth the wait. We won’t lie you to you Taurus, we were worried there for a while, but you’re finally going to get what you deserve. A real, live, human date. Maybe even on Saturday if you’re lucky. Halle-freakin’-lujah.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This week, you’ll be more commitment-shy than the seventeen-year-old captain of the football team who’s just crashed cheerleader camp. Especially if any romantic interests in your life give you some kind of “by V-Day” ultimatum. Especially if they start to act like the stupid date means something. (Hey, we’re just channeling you here; we happen to think it means a lot of things.) Especially especially if they think that the arrival of February 14th automatically signifies a step forward in the relationship. And especially if they have red hair. (Hey, don’t shoot the medium. What can we say, this is a weird and mystical science.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, shut up for a second and let someone else put their foot in their mouth (or, if you’re kinky like that, their foot in your mouth). You may feel like you’ve got all the right moves, but those moves will look a tad fuh-reaky to a certain someone. So cancel the singing telegram for 2/14, forget about scattering rose petals along the entire thirty blocks your sweetie walks to work–forget anything that screams “I really really need to get laid.” Note to underachievers: This does not in any way give you license not to celebrate the holiday with a loved one. It just means you should be a little understated about it. Think a hand-made card instead of a glittery, musical one; think a nice long oral sesh instead of the strap-on.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
During a week when it seems like half the population is determined to give the last of their hard-earned pennies to Hallmark and the other half is ready to firebomb the Hallmark headquarters, the sexy few who just think of V-Day as a good excuse to get laid are the heroes. And you, Leo, you’re our hero. You’re the wind beneath our wings. And for that, the booty gods will look kindly on you this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The ball is in your court, so it’s your turn to make the next move. Whether that means playing with yourself or playing with someone’s scrotal sac this Valentine’s Day, we couldn’t tell you. But if it were up to us, we’d say go for the Balzac!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You better do something nice for your partner on Saturday — and we don’t mean purchasing some crappy teddy bear from a Hallmark store — or else you could be looking at a long, cold rest of winter.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t settle just to get a date on Saturday. It’s like Amanda Jones says at the end of Some Kind of Wonderful: “I’d rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones.”

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We know you like to play the field, you don’t like to be tied down, but actually embracing this holiday might make you feel like more of a human being. Love is like Life cereal — try it, and you might like it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t make any big decisions right now, ’cause you’ll only end up changing your mind and probably bumming someone out in the process. We can also tell you that the thing you were planning on doing with the heart-shaped cherry Jell-O mold is not a good idea.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Apparently “This is a great week to interact with the one you love,” according to the stars. The stars are so insensitive sometimes, aren’t they? (Not to mention obvious.) What if you don’t have someone to love right now? Like you needed one more reminder that this week would be a particularly nice time to be all loved up. Pshaw! We say, drink beer, eat ice cream and rent Shirley Valentine.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t wear red on Saturday.