Our contributor Antonio Reis, a first year at Wesleyan, has a confession to make on behalf of his friend:
At 5:00 am, I wake up to the sound of fists pounding my dorm-room door. Groggily I get up and open it and am swiftly pushed back onto my bed by Sara as she bursts into the room.¬† Now I’m wide-awake and afraid of what’s going on.
“Guess who I just fucked!?” exclaims Sara*.
“Michael Roth,” I guess, knowing that the campus is in love with Wesleyan University’s president…
Sara shakes her head, smiles, looks me in the eyes and says, ” I shtupped Brody.”
“I can’t handle this right now.” I hold the door open for her to leave.
Why couldn’t I handle it, you ask? Well, for those of you who don’t attend Wesleyan, Brody* is a meek and mild Residential Advisor. With his Kermit the Frog voice and his perpetually perplexed expression, he jovially passes in and out of the halls, making his rounds before returning to his room. Brody was a good friend to his TK Sara, and thus a good friend to me. We enjoyed his ambiguous sexuality and his tendency of having panic attacks when confronted by a large workload.
So yeah, when I discovered one of my best friends and her RA were in the throes of passion, I was a little surprised. I have no problem with one of my best friends fucking her RA. While hall booty can be bad booty, I don’t think dormcest is all that bad. Sara and Brody live on different floors. It’s a go.
But what if Residential Life finds out? The ResLife employees are always babbling about something called “social justice,” the definition of which I’m not very sure, but for some reason I don’t think the aforementioned party’s love sessions are “socially just” in the eyes of ResLife.
I imagine the head RA, the Chief Resident, walking in and finding the pair in their dangerous liaison. Sara covers her bare chest with an open copy of her Abnormal Psychology textbook, whimpering as Michael shackles Brody with the handcuffs of “social justice.” Madonna’s Forbidden Love plays as Sara and Brody are forever separated.
Then Sara’s baby that she has by Brody is released into the tunnels under our dorm to live as Wesleyan’s Minotaur, being fed a freshman virgin at the beginning of each semester. Meanwhile, Brody is chained to the top of Exley Science Center to suffer a punishment a la Prometheus: the Wes Cardinal (our football team’s mascot) comes and eats his liver every day, leaving a gaping hole for it to grow back in the next day.
“Social Justice” accomplished.
Absolutely not! I’ll go apeshit if this relationship is broken up. So long as Sara is held to the same standards as her fellow residents, I see no issue with this love, nor should anyone else.
Too bad my sexy ass RA hasn’t spoken to me since I called her Mama Hen and told her I was her little chicky.
*Names have been changed to protect the whatever.