Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve read your books and love your website, but I notice you are against any infidelity and look down on those who have affairs, but you’re okay with swinging and group sex and anal sex probes and bisexuals and all kinds of things that normal folks (who occasionally stray) find disgusting. I guess my point is, how can you judge like that? You judge cheaters but support skank! You know your sex drive better than I do, obviously, but let’s say your husband could no longer perform in bed due to E.D. You don’t honestly expect me to believe you would go without sex or rely on a dildo for the rest of your life, do you? I think that’s B.S.
What I’d like you both to know is that we’re not bad people. We’re your softball coaches and school teachers. I feed my neighbor’s son peanut butter and jelly on a Tuesday afternoon and have sex with her husband on Thursday night because she hasn’t let him touch her since she had the baby — THREE YEARS AGO! We’re not trailer trash from the Jerry Springer show. We’re real people, ignored by our spouses. We’re not evil. Give us a break, okay? After all, it’s not like you two are devout Church-going types either, ya know? You preach about free, uncommitted sex with both the opposite sex and the same sex (as long as a condom is involved) and hey, that’s fine. Just don’t judge the rest of us. There are reasons for the things we do. We don’t spread disease through our little suburban neighborhoods or anything like that.
– Straying Dog
Dear S.D.,
Here’s what we do judge:
- Lying to your husband (except when he asks if his penis is too small).
- Lying to your neighbor (except when she asks if her new haircut makes her look like Blossom).
- Lying to anyone, for that matter. And yes, faking orgasms is lying.
- Sex without barrier protection (i.e. condoms) — unless you’re monogamous, have been tested together, have agreed to incur the risks of forgoing barrier protection, and are using another form of birth control (unless of course you’re both trying to get pregnant together).
- Sexism.
- Homophobia.
- Anti-choice people who want to take away our reproductive rights, comprehensive sex education, and access to birth control.
- Um, we can’t think of much else that we do judge. Pleated khakis on men, maybe?
And here’s what we don’t judge (as long as it’s done safely and consensually, of course):
- Homosexuality.
- Bisexuality.
- Swinging.
- Group sex.
- Open relationships.
- Casual safe sex (so long as both parties understand and accept its casual nature).
- Anal play.
- Sex toys, including anal sex probes.
- Jerry Springer.
- Kink.
- Roleplaying.
- Spanking.
- Bondage.
- Booty calls.
- Dirty talk.
- Phone sex.
- Text sex.
- Pony play (okay, sometimes we judge pony play…hey, we’re only human).
- Strap-on sex.
- Celibacy.
- Solo sex.
- Latex.
- Watersports.
- Legal prostitution.
Need we go on? We didn’t think so. You’re right — you totally nailed us. So long as sex is consensual, legal, honest, and fully condom-ed, we probably wouldn’t judge it. But if you’re married and sleeping with your neighbor’s husband and the respective spouses don’t know about it or don’t condone it — then hells yes, we judge you! You think anal probes are skank? Well, we think that cheating on your husband — and not only that, but doing it with someone else’s husband, to boot — is 100% pure skank.
We know we sound naive when we say this. We know we’re idealists. And we admit we have no idea what it’s like to want to stay in a crumbling marriage for the kids (or for the mortgage). We have no idea what it’s like to be ignored in a marriage — or in the bedroom. And we have no idea what it’s like to be married to an inoperative penis.
We can think of a only a few very special circumstances where unsanctioned cheating might be justifiable, or at least understandable: For example, a husband suffers from E.D. and it threatens his masculinity to the point where he just completely shuts off from anything sexual and doesn’t deal with it at all it in order to keep it together psychologically, while his wife, who loves him and wants to be with him and doesn’t want to break his heart, decides to get a little no-emotional-strings-attached-sex on the side to satisfy her needs. Maybe we could understand that.
Or maybe not. We’re inclined to believe that in the majority of cases of cheating, there’s a lot of rationalizing that’s done on the part of the cheater for two major reasons. First, because it allows people the opportunity for drama and excitement in their lives (doing the forbidden thing, the taboo thing, the wrong thing always does). But that drama and excitement comes at the expense of the trust and feelings and dignity of the people they made a promise to, the people they’re supposed to truly love: their spouses. Second, it’s simply the easier way out.
Sure, it sucks if your husband gets E.D., but isn’t that the whole point of “in sickness and in health”? Also, who said that sex has to be all about intercourse? Last we heard, cunnilingus didn’t involve the penis. Same goes for handwork. And the same goes for most of the stuff in our don’t-judge list, too. We’re sorry, but we just don’t think that faulty mechanics void your marriage vows (assuming, of course, that your marriage vows included sexual fidelity).
And sure, it sucks if your husband or wife ignores you, but since when did cheating solve that? Last we heard, good old-fashioned communication was a much better tool to fix that kind of problem. Or marriage counseling. Or divorce.
If your partner just plain doesn’t want sex anymore and you do — and you’ve tried everything you can possibly think of to remedy the situation, including reading all our books and seeing a sex or marriage therapist together — then ask their permission to have an affair. (Yep, that’s right, if they give their permission, it’s not skanky — it’s just good, clean fun.) If your partner says no, then you have two options: (1) Leave them. (2) Suck it up and deal with a sexless marriage (and learn to appreciate the art of masturbation). And those are your only two options. If sex is soooooooooo important to you that you think it justifies cheating, then it should be important enough to you to get a divorce. And if your marriage is soooooooooo important to you that you can’t possibly consider a divorce, then guess what? You’re going to have to sacrifice the sex part.
If you choose option one and leave your partner, do not, under any circumstances, have an affair with someone else’s spouse. We’re all in this monogamy biz together, and it’s our civic responsibility to keep each other honest and faithful. We don’t care if you’re not spreading STDs (though you can never be 100% sure about that if people are sleeping around) — you’re still spreading lying, disrespect, and some seriously bad karma.
We know that a sanctioned affair isn’t really the “done” thing yet. But you know what? It should be! Slowly, more and more people are catching on. And we’re going to keep on preaching our honesty message until the rest of you cheaters get on board.
And that’s the gospel according to Em & Lo.
From our high horse,
Em & Lo
October 25th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
WOW! I was going to respond, but Em and Lo said it all for me. CONSENT is the key. Sex toys, and “swinging” and (really?) anal sex are “disgusting?” These, in healthy relationships require CONSENT. Meaning you and your Significant Other TALK to each other, request and agree on something and then either do it or do not do it. Really, Sex toys are “disgusting?” MAN, no wonder she thinks a most likely fixable case (or workable case) of ED is a reason to have an affair.
Straying Dog, do you and your husband have ORAL SEX? This, and a nice Toy can tide you over until he gets some Cialis or Viagra. Hell, even if he never does, a coupla good toys and a good double oral session will do the two of you wonders. Cured my old man of a intermittent case of most likely liquor and/or “worry” caused ED. No blue pills needed.
I, also, don’t believe for a minute that your “partner in crime” has a wife who has not let him “touch” her since “the baby” was born. Oh, well. Some of us can make a relationship work, through hard work, oral sex, a damn good vibrator,some good porn, TALKING about SEX, and did I mention hard work? And some can’t.
30 years and counting……
November 15th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Cheating (on tests and lovers) is discussed at http://www.sleepingcousins.com/is-it-wrong-to-cheat/. Check out another perspective there.
November 25th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Ok, about 10 years ago, I was forced to marry someone I did not want to marry or be disowned, and penniless. I was in school and I did not want to give up on my dreams or lose the family that, despite their departure from sanityville, had been loving and nurturing, however dysfunctional. I did the “right” thing and made everyone happy, and inside I was miserable. The first few years of the marriage I was overwhelmed and went into survival mode, pretending to go along with the flow and that I was happy when I wasn’t. I cried on my wedding night, I fake smiled in all my pictures, I sacrificed myself and who I was for what my family expected of me. I finished school, became a professional and had 3 kids along the way. I did not love my husband, and frankly, do not like him either. He was not a bad man, just not the one for me, we did not have anything in common other than the same address and the same children, no matter how I tried. I was never excited to see him, and I looked at my anniversary as the anniversary to my sentencing to life in prision without parole.
So,approximately a year ago, a friend of mine began to share with me his set of marital problems with his wife and that he was also stuck with his children too. I was his friend first and foremost, and wanted to do my best to help him out find solutions to his problems and do the best to take care of his kids. But as we became further united in our strife, we became closer and our relationship became intimate. I know its not the ideal conditions for love to flourish, but we have been moving forward. I am there for him whether he needs help cleaning his house or cooking for him and his kids (wife doesnt do that), or picking him up from the airport when he had to rush off to a family member’s funeral (wife told him to get a cab), or even babysit his kids that not only love to play with my kids, but love me a whole lot as I do them. He was there for me when my mother was sick and would call her and visit her even more than her own son-in-law would, take my kids out to eat and play for the day when I was sad after my mother died, send me cards and fruit baskets just because, call me first thing in the morning and be the last person to tell me good night. I finally got to fall in love, but the situation is all wrong. I’m unhappily married as he is and we don’t want to destroy our families for our children’s sake. I have no idea what to do and I used to judge people who cheat too, until I found out that people like me can cheat too.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Dear Mrs. M, I read your Nov 29 post.
That is a heart wrenching story. I felt distant and unloved also from my husband and started hanging out with another man and though I am a conservative person, it didn’t even feel wrong at the time.
I did not want to be deceiving though so I filed for a divorce.
Nothing changed until we were to go to court and then my spouse seemed to do a 180 degree turn.
I ended up reconciling with my husband though I thought it was impossible.
I can understand not wanting to hurt the children.
All you can do is pray to God for guidance.
Best wishes.
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Mrs. M,
By any chance is religion, or culture have to do with you being ‘forced’ into marriage? Nobody should be forced to do anything. Here is an idea, and it may not work, but just think about it:
Divorce your husband. Have your ‘intimate friend’ divorce his wife. You two get married, and have your ex meet his ex. Maybe they will fall in love, and all your children will still be in your lives. Kinda twisted, I know. But it can happen. You should do what you feel is best, not what family thinks you should do. If you always do what someone else thinks you should do, you might as well be their ‘pet dog.’
Get out of your marriage, and see if your friend can do the same. People should first do the right thing and break up or get a divorce, and then proceed with being intimate. Your kids will understand later in life, once they start understanding true love.
December 13th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Sex is playing important role in mariage but
Mariage is not just about sex or atraction.
January 24th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
Many people tend to forget that marriage, by definition, requires patience, humility, and SACRIFICE. As far as I know, marriage vows say “for better, or for worse”, not “as long as you’re happy, honey!” Many loving and enduring relationship have had to weather adversity (sometimes PROLONGED adversity). Unfortunately today, many feel so entitled that the marriage vows don’t seem to mean much of anything to some anymore.
Cheating is cheating, PERIOD. I am only human, so I know i am fallible, but I think I’d rather kill myself than let my selfish indulgence be the cause of pain for my lady. And… If my desire to be with another woman ever became that urgent, I’d either… A. Discuss it with wife and perhaps compromise (threesome, etc.) or B. Get over it and enjoy what i DO have.
February 1st, 2010 at 6:52 am
Mrs. M. I was the child of that marriage. Trust me, we can tell when you aren’t in love. It doesn’t matter if you don’t argue, or if you put on a smile for the kids. I can remember at the age of three wondering. Get a divorce. We’ll understand. Nothing makes me happier then the smile on my father’s face with his new wife. They were made for each other in ways my mom and him just aren’t.
February 1st, 2010 at 10:46 am
Re: Mrs. M. There is a balance between trying very hard to salvage a relationship to someone you really really love, and staying with someone you NEVER loved out of….what? A “love” of money? I am sorry, but I just don’t get the “I’d be left penniless if I did not marry him.” SO? My parents didn’t give me money when I moved out (they were divorced, and didn’t seem to have any) I WAS “penniless.” (most young otherwise middle class people start out this way) I finished college, and married a likewise “penniless” man whom I LOVED.
I would NEVER marry for money, and it seems Mrs. M did so. Many of us here in the US, and other Western Nations, have had to make our own money and make our own lives. I’m sorry that Mrs. M. was going to be cut off from her parents’ and inlaws money if she didn’t marry the man she never loved but SO WHAT? Most of us make our OWN way in the world. Most of us don’t have rich relatives to depend on, and in the long run, especially if those relatives expect us to marry people we hate, IT’S JUST BETTER to make your own life. Sorry, but blaming “culture” is a bad excuse for bad behavior which really harms people.
My father was old world Mediterranean. I had dated only ONE man from “our” culture in my life, and didn’t want to marry him. I went back to the man I was first in love with, from an “other culture” in my early 20s (we had never actually made a complete break, it’s a LONG story)
I used to hear, “Can’t you find a nice (insert ethnic group here) boy?” I’d just say, “Nope.” and carry on what I was doing. There wasn’t money involved, but there was “TRADITION” (my father, when he was wed to my mom, was the first to ever marry OUT of his ethnic group in his family and his neighborhood, and it ended badly, so he was convinced, well, you know) I just ignored the ethnic pressures, and My Man and I made our own way. Not a “penny” from our families. We made our own pennies. And dollars. That’s actually how MOST people manage their lives.
I just can’t see marrying for money, “Culture” or no culture. People LEAVE their home countries to get away from the bullshit of restrictive “cultures” in a lot of cases. Your kids will KNOW you don’t love each other, and they will eventually figure out you are cheating.
You want advice (you thought I wouldn’t give some?) Dump the man you can’t stand, GET AN EDUCATION and make your own way in the world and live on what you CAN make yourself. JMHO.
February 1st, 2010 at 10:48 am
I said: “Many of us here in the US, and other Western Nations, have had to make our own money and make our own lives” THAT wasn’t right. Most people IN THE WORLD have to make their own money and thier own lives. No matter where they live.
I’ll never figure out “The Rich” and the way they think (or rather rationalize) if I live to be 104.