While every breakup is a clichĂ© to some extent (did you really think you were the first person in the history of relationships to be dumped for a RealDoll?), there are certain phrases a dumper can use that have been uttered so many times in so many breakups that they now convey about as much emotion as noting, “Terrible weather we’re having for this time of year, eh?” The following top five clichĂ©d dumping lines are typically preceded by the all-time clichĂ© “We need to talk”:
- “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” Literal translation: I no longer find you attractiveâ€”if I ever didâ€”and the thought of sleeping with you now repulses me. Please don’t cry.
- “It’s not you, it’s me.” Literal translation: You want to be in this relationship and I don’t.
- “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” Literal translation: I’m not ready for a relationship with YOU. This is known as the fortune cookie rule.) You know how you’re always supposed to add “â€¦ in bed” onto the end of the fortune that came in the cookie with your lo mein? Well, with breakup excuses, try adding “â€¦ with you” to see if the dumperâ€™s excuse/explanation makes more sense. For example, “It’s not you, it’s me â€¦ with you.” “I’m too depressedâ€¦ with you.” If that just gives you the blues instead of giving you clarity, you could always try adding on “â€¦ in bed” instead, just to make yourself feel better. “It’s just not working for me â€¦ in bed.” “You’re great, I’m an idiot â€¦ in bed.” “I think we should just be friends â€¦ in bed”
- “You want more than I’m prepared to give.” Literal translation: You want more than I’m prepared to give to YOU. (Ditto on the Fortune Cookie Test.)
- “I think we’re just meant to be great friends.” Literal translation: I’d like to keep sleeping with you if that’s okay with you.
While no one ever wants to be handed one of these clichĂ©s word-for-word (it’s like being dumped by a Hallmark card), the basic conceptâ€”to avoid hurtful specifics and maybe even make the dumpee feel good about themselvesâ€”is benevolent. So if you’re about to dump someone for one of the above five reasons, do them a favor and put the phrase in your own wordsâ€”it’ll make them feel like you stewed over this decision for more than five minutes. Sure, they’ll probably beg you for specifics, but don’t give in! In the long-run, this breakup will be a whole lot smoother if you can stick to the script. A particularly astute dumpee may ask, somewhat sarcastically, “So basically what you’re saying is, it’s not me, it’s you?” Or worse, “So basically, what you’re saying is, the thought of sleeping with me now repulses you?” Be warned: They’re just trying to trap you into giving up more details. Don’t do it! Because while your ex will whine for a few days to their friends about how “lame” it was to be dumped with a top-five clichĂ©, it’s nothing compared to how one tiny, specific, ugly detail will rattle around in their head for the next decade.
Tune in tomorrow for our Top 5 Breakup Lies. For more on breakups, please see our guide to dumping and being dumped, “Buh Bye.”