Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Why didn’t he call when he said he would?
Straight Married Guy (Matt): There’s a simple answer to this one: it doesn’t matter. Most women I know get very worked up over this, and it never helps anything. It could be one of ten thousand possible reasons, and there is no chance that sitting and discussing it with your friends ad infinitum or stressing about it is going to help anything. It might just be some reason that has nothing to do with you (family problem, work problem, some other unrelated problem), or hey, maybe he likes you and he scared off the last woman he liked, so he’s forcing himself to pull back a little — or maybe your worst fear is true, and he isn’t actually into you. You won’t figure any of this out by sitting there and worrying about it or analyzing every tidbit of your last conversation or email exchange looking for clues, so what’s the point? My advice is to do everything possible not to obsess over the guy’s delay in calling. Distract yourself with whatever you can, even a date or flirtation with someone else if that’s what it takes. And if he never calls back, fuck him. At least you can feel good about not having wasted all that time sitting by your phone.
Straight Single Guy (Colin): Let’s be optimistic for a moment. Maybe he was debating how long he should wait to call so that he wouldn’t seem desperate. But now he’s waited too long and feels silly calling so long after the fact. Okay now let’s be realistic. Most likely this guy fell into the trap we all do sometimes, saying what we think we should say instead of what we actually think. Maybe the sparks weren’t there and he didn’t have the heart to tell you. Try to get in touch with him if you can. But if he’s still flakey, give him a quick kick to the curb and move on.
Gay Committed Guy (Terence): While tempted to say, “He’s just not that…” I think not calling is more likely because the alcohol has worn off and/or another woman is already on the side. When a guy wants to get laid, and let’s face it, if he’s asking for your number, then he’s that kind of into you, the first question running through his head after getting your number is why didn’t we just go home then? Calling sets up a whole ‘nother time-consuming process that sometimes just doesn’t seem worth it. Personally, I think not calling takes real balls — not the good ones. Either you’re an over-confident prick, or you’ve got a girlfriend. You’re over-confident thinking you can get someone better (easier), or you know you may get a little somethin’ started and then have to emergency bail out of the situation. Solution: always, always take his number even though it’s just as shitty to wait around for him to return your calls.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week they’re all a little shy.
March 10th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
THANK YOU!!!!
This helps SO much.
March 11th, 2009 at 2:14 am
I’m mostly with Matt on this. Barring the problems Matt cites, if s/he’s an adult s/he’ll call when s/he said so.
And I would take Matt’s last few sentences about not obsessing/distracting yourself even further: do what works for and helps you value yourself more–including your time and your sexuality–so you can figure out what behavior in a potential “date” you prefer. If you don’t mind the not-calling-when-they-said-they-would, cool; if it’s a problem, cut them loose and move on. (I speak in ideals, cos I’m still working on dealing with this behavior from others, myself. Golden rule, people! Come on!)
March 16th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
I never knew that men will really wait to call because they did not want to be too quick and have the woman thinking ahhhh yup he’s easy, men do play hard to get still today, the reason for my knowing this is that I was with my new boyfriend and his cusin when I heard them agreeing not to call this girl that his cusin had just met , that they said ya have to wait for a few days first. I remembered how my boyfried had did the same to me when we first started dateing so my friends yes guys do it because they can.
March 16th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Perplexed I have a few gentlemen that I have been interested in recently and I have gone as far as to give my # and they keep saying they will call. One too busy the second has a girl and the third is only interested in one thing. Where have all the good guys gone….
March 18th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Why cant you just be honest. If you want a booty call say so. Be straight forward if your not going to call dont say you will. What is so god dam freaking hard about telling the truth and doing what you say. Women have issues?? Think NOT
March 18th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Seven years ago, i met a woman at a friend’s party. When we met, everyone else seemed to disappear. We stood in the kitchen for hours talking to each other oblivious to everyone else at the part.
I didn’t get her phone number that day – and i didn’t even know her last name. I also didn’t want to ask friends that threw the party for her number because i didn’t want to fuel a rumor mill. I did a little online research – i knew her occupation and the city she worked in. I came up with a possible email address and sent a message that if she were the woman at the party, i would like to see her again.
She responded that she would like to see me again. We had a simple dinner at Olive Garden and talked. I drove her home and told her i would call her.
The following week was Thanksgiving. A couple weeks went by and i hadn’t called her yet. I found out later that she was furious with me and wondered “why do guys say they’ll call…”
Now from my side – It was Thanksgiving. I had a lot of family stuff planned for that week. But my Father died that weekend (he had been sick for a while). Reflecting on it, i decided that i shouldn’t call her. If i called her, I couldn’t very well not mention about my father. If i told her about my father’s death, that would put her and me in an uncomfortable position. We didn’t know each other that well. She wouldn’t know whether or not to come to the funeral (and meet the family, etc…). I wasn’t sure if i wanted her there yet. (I could see how she might think it would look bad if she came or if she didn’t) So i figured that it was easier on her and me if i just didn’t call for a while.
I did call her a couple weeks later. Of course she understood my reasons (and felt guilty afterward for the things she thought about me during that time).
That woman and i have been married for over 5 years now.
My point is that you really don’t know the reasons. He may be a coward. He may have lost your number – and there may be many other reasons that you don’t understand.
March 20th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
My opinion on this one don’t give out your number, because their are way to many excuses and then some, just to have your number in their cell, or whatever… always say one thing and do another… wont get my cell number…and then some… I a guy cant be straight up , then dont bother wasting my time or your time…there are plenty of fish in the sea as we all know…. F…the booty call…..
March 21st, 2009 at 5:23 am
imet some 1 i liked afew months back.we started off very well with
out knowingthat he was married.he promised to call at night to
wish me agoodnite…he did not call but i did.quess who replied?his
loving wife asking me y am calling his dear husband late at nite.
my point is luck of honesty.
March 21st, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Im really havin this problem with my boyfriend. He never calls when he promises he will. I do the calling and I’m really tired of all this and he is always singing he luvs me. I don’t even know what to do.
March 21st, 2009 at 10:02 pm
I know, funki. Guys, they always singing that song. And my suggestion is just stop calling him and let see he gonna call you or not if not that means he doesn’t miss or care about you then i think it’s time for you to think of letting him go. Just don’t waste your time on a person who never had a heart on you.
March 22nd, 2009 at 11:11 pm
It ain’t the same thing if the dude is your BF. You’re dating a flake.
March 24th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
well, there are some general traits of each sex–and there are things you can do to turn off men and visa-versa but everyone is different. you know,some men dont call in the typical way and some women do call.
if it isnt meant to be it isnt meant to be anything more than a learning experience. heartache is a great teacher. there is no way you can can make every date work out in the way you want it to.
March 26th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
If I say I call, I will call. It’s the decent thing. If someone say he’ll call and doesn’t he either have a very good excuse and never do it again. Or just get lost man. You’re not worth the worries.
March 28th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Ok what about when your boyfriend says he is going to call and he does not call? That bugs the hell out of me, he knows it too. It is not an all the time thing, but enough to piss me off. He always has an excuse fell asleep, didnt feel good… Makes me suspicious. Am I just being paranoid?
March 28th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
shoulda read all the posts lol I am dating a flake it seems.
April 10th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
jill-not a good sign–he is rude and needs a taste of his own medicine but the question is will you be the one to give his medicine back??
April 12th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
HI! I started to date a really nice guy who I thought might even be the one. He would tell me how much he loved me and said the day I tell him I love him in return he was going to marry me. Bottom line…he made me feel wonderful. I don’t know what happen after that. We seem to be getting to know each other better. Next thing I know he plans a trip to Mexico with friends as he is driving to Mexico he calls me and says he will call me when he returns from he’s trip in 3 days and I have not heard from him in over a week. What bothers me is that was the 3rd time he had said he would call be back and never did. I feel it is rude and thoughtless when a man does that I would rither a man tell me he is not intersted than make me wonder….what if?
April 24th, 2009 at 11:24 am
i know i have actually found myself waiting by the phone waiting for him to call…but i also know when a guy has given me his number i’ve waited a day or two before calling..lol!! although since i take the city bus..i hung out with this guy and before i left he gave me his # without me asking for it, and told me to call when i got home, so he knew i was alright. should this mean anything? i don’t know:D
May 22nd, 2009 at 9:34 pm
I have been seeing this guy for almost two months now and we spend almost every weekend together sence we meet.he was the first one asking me out and asking for my number i was fine with just be ( one night stand).but he will pick me up on his last day of work for the week and i will spend the night .. the day he picks me up is pretty good we talk we laugh and he tells me he likes me he tells me hes into me and he even wanted me to meet his mother and father and talks about meeting his family and he brought up meeting mine but the next morning hes different with me we don’t talk we don’t touch and the only kiss i get the next day is when he takes me home (the goodbye kiss) there was even one night we didnt have sex or kiss or anything … then he will tell me he will call me before he goes to bed or before he goes out or something and i don’t hear from him in till i call or text him.. i know im being played but im hoping im not and im just over thinking it.. what should i do????? i really like this guy but i don’t know what i should do.. can anyone help????/
May 24th, 2009 at 2:58 am
one sentence:DUN KIP US GALS WAITING 4 UR CALL SAY SO IF U WUN CALL DEN WE WUN BE WAITING 4 U.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Who cares; don’t sit at the phone. It’s not a marriage proposal or something. You don’t want a flake anyway. WAY better to know ahead of time than it is down the road, after dating for a while that he has committment/responsibility hangups.
Life goes on….LIVE IT!
June 24th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Shane, sorry, I don’t care you’re married for five years now, you’re an idiot, and she’s way more than you deserve. You are EXACTLY what’s wrong with guys. Chicks prefer MORE info, rather than less. All you had to do back then was let her know what was going on with you — and sure Thanksgiving could have been a simple given not to catch up because you’d just met, and no one should expect to be spending that time, but for you to have not just called and let her know your world went beserk. Sorry, you lose points on this. You left her wondering with NO word for weeks. You’d better be grateful she married you, and I hope the diamond was at least a karat.
June 26th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
I loved the married mans advice Im so sick of playing mind games with my most recent attraction.T he one Im seeing plays more mind games then I have ever experienced in my life. I thought that was mainly expected from woman. I am beginning to realize this Hottie deserves a good kick to the curb.!!!!!:) cuz this girl is worth working for.
June 26th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
OH and must I say THANKYOU for the advice sexy girls like me around the world are appreciating it.There nothing worse sometimes than trying to figure out why men act the way they do.
July 18th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Hi.
I think we guys take our time to call a girl we meet because experience tells us ( at least my experience ) that if call the very next day we risk appearing clingy.
Women are beautiful and challenging. What works with one might not work with the other one, so there are no generalities at all, but there is a average way in which women react. A guy that calls , not only that but a guy that calls on schedule risks becoming stale to this woman.
If a woman is not the kind that does not want her BF to take his time because he might think that she is going to take him for a clingy guy, then she should take the innitiative and call him, so he gets the message that it is OK to call.
August 21st, 2009 at 12:43 pm
james said: “If a woman is not the kind that does not want her BF to take his time because he might think that she is going to take him for a clingy guy, then she should take the innitiative and call him, so he gets the message that it is OK to call.”
This helps me a lot. Thank you.
August 22nd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
2 guys i gave my # to after they asked for it said they would call at a certain time and did not.
with the first one, he said he would call on a specific day to hang out. he didn’t. i don’t play games and i am an honest person and i didn’t want to make assumptions so i called him the next day and said “oh, i think you forgot to call me yesterday” he said “oh yeah i just got really messed up”. so i am done with him. guys need to realize it is really easy for girls to get a new guy and you being too drunk to call is not cute.
now the second guy was supposed to call me yesterday. i am not even going to call him on it. done!
if you are not going to call- you better be like really smokin hot or really awesomely perfect in every other way. otherwise, it is just not worth our time. i will be single before i am going to be treated like a needy ho!
August 22nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Dri.
It is not an easy thing. I hear this complaint from women saying men do not call back.
My experience has been one in which I have been the guy calling back, but most of the time ( again, my experience ) is that if a guy calls back, the woman moves on. It is as if women go after the difficult men that do not call back, are arrogant and date several women at once.
So it seems the average situation appear5s to be that a guy calling the next day is needy. So most guys are leery about calling a girl the next day. It is like a switch that turns on in the girl’s head….she thinks about this guy, but as soon as he calls, she stops thinking about him and starts thinking about those that did not.
Problem is, what happens when a girl that does not think like this average is the woman at issue? Both suffer. The guy might be losing a wonderfull opportunity with a great gal because he is making the assumptions early and w/o any grounds. He is mistaken in his belief that she would not welcome a call so soon.
Guys get rejected and even worse, ignored more often than not. In your post, you have learnt what guys go through 9 out of 10 times, rejection. Perhaps this will allow you to understand why guys do not call as often as you would like.
December 28th, 2009 at 2:23 am
James, are you saying that there is only a 10 percent chance that you may find the woman you want to be with because she didn’t a. reject you or b. is unavailable ? In my world there is one guy and a bunch of his friends. The difference is how he treats me compared to those others. If there is a group of guys I am going to seek out the one that is showing me more attention, but if there is a dance and he bums out I reflect that to him whether or not he still has interest… He has got to keep up with the movements wether or not he is enjoying himself.
January 28th, 2010 at 5:15 pm
Hi, met up with a guy recently,we spent all night cahtting about old times. i wasn’t keen on hooking up with himn as been single and celebate through choice for two years but as the drinks got flowing he invited me backfor a ‘catch up’ didn’t mean for it to lead to more but he seduced me, said he’d liked me for ages and i thought, well maybe. he text me twice the following day saying what a great night he’d had. I couldn’t reply for 2 days but hasn’t replied to my text, anyone know why? ???
February 28th, 2010 at 1:15 pm
met a guy w/friends at a bar..hung out all night…def. attraction/number exchange..askd for 2nd date…called the next day 3x. called 4 days later…said he’d call over the weekend…never did. waited 1 week, left message to have a good weekend..he called right back telling me he didn’t call during the week b/c he though i had company. says he’ll call “tomorrow” never did…thought? has a gf? (even though said does not)…so why keep calling me back??
April 15th, 2010 at 7:23 pm
ok, so I’m SO confused. I met this guy last Friday. We were chatting at a bar and then we separated into the groups we came with. Before he left he came to find me and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink sometime, so I gave him my number. He then texted me the following afternoon saying ‘really nice chatting to you. Fancy a glass of wine next week?xx’ It also had a bit of a joke in it about something we’d been chatting about so it had a personal feel about it. I was in a bit of a rush so replied that evening saying ‘Nice chatting to you too. I had a fun night. Sure, drink sounds good.x’ It’s now nearly Friday and not a whisper from him…. is this normal? I just don’t get it…Does anyone know why he wouldn’t get back in touch?
April 16th, 2010 at 1:37 am
The guys will probably know the answer to this, but if it were me, and I really liked him (in the short time you spent together) then I suppose it couldn’t hurt to say, “I’m going to X bar on X night with some friends, maybe I’ll see you there?”
June 28th, 2010 at 12:13 am
I was dating my boyfriend for 7 years, we went ring shopping, picked out a ring, he took it on payments, I never got the ring, last year around christmas time we got into a big argument he left, haven’t seen him since, but he always called time to time, its been 3 weeks now that he hasn’t called, which is unusual, I cried a lot, but realized now that I must forget about him and move on, I don’t understand why he did that to me, hurt me so much, when we where together he always said he wants to marry me and have a family, WHY?
June 28th, 2010 at 12:32 am
Summer, sounds bit like my guy, I wasted 7 years with him thinking we will get married, he left, I am almost 40 years old, now I have no one, I do want a baby my time is running out, my advise to you is you must know what you want your relationship is still fresh, but my advise to you is ask him flat out what he wants from the relationship, if both of you are on the same page and he likes you as much as you like him, I think there is something, but if you (feel) know your being played and you don’t want that, then move on you are better then that (your to good for him) find someone who will appreciate you and feel the same way about you as you do about them, GOOD LUCK, only you know what is right for you.
July 1st, 2010 at 2:11 am
I had a thing for this guy that I met over a year ago but I never brought it to his attention and I just let it go. A few weeks ago, he messaged me on facebook and we flirted back and forth and he initiated the exchange of phone numbers and suggested that I let him know the next time I go out so we could meet up. After a few days I ended up texting him and he texted back. I did this again three more times and the final time I suggested we hang out some time soon and said cool whenever his schedule clears up. This was over a week ago….what is the deal? He never calls and he only responds to my texts. I’m not sure what to do or how to take this….
August 30th, 2010 at 12:25 pm
Hi There,
I met a guy and went out to couple of dates with him. It seemed to be going slow and nice. on the last date He told me his father has been sick… after that we could not meet since he told me his dad was in the hospital. I was worried and text him if he was ok, and how his dad was. he replied that he is better now and he’ll be able to chat once hi stabylizez more… since that I haven’t heard from him for 2 weeks. I am not going to call since we are not even in a relationship yet and i understand he needs time. on the other hand some friends of mine told me he might be pretending on that and he made it all up… I am kind of confuesed, I f i would know he is not really interested I’ll be just fine, but not knowing what exactly is going on makes me think about it. Do you guys have sone advice??