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Wise Guys: Why Didn’t He Call When He Said He Would?

Tue, Mar 10, 2009

Advice, Wise Guys

photo by 416style

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Why didn’t he call when he said he would?

Straight Married Guy (Matt): There’s a simple answer to this one: it doesn’t matter. Most women I know get very worked up over this, and it never helps anything. It could be one of ten thousand possible reasons, and there is no chance that sitting and discussing it with your friends ad infinitum or stressing about it is going to help anything. It might just be some reason that has nothing to do with you (family problem, work problem, some other unrelated problem), or hey, maybe he likes you and he scared off the last woman he liked, so he’s forcing himself to pull back a little — or maybe your worst fear is true, and he isn’t actually into you. You won’t figure any of this out by sitting there and worrying about it or analyzing every tidbit of your last conversation or email exchange looking for clues, so what’s the point? My advice is to do everything possible not to obsess over the guy’s delay in calling. Distract yourself with whatever you can, even a date or flirtation with someone else if that’s what it takes. And if he never calls back, fuck him. At least you can feel good about not having wasted all that time sitting by your phone.

Straight Single Guy (Colin): Let’s be optimistic for a moment. Maybe he was debating how long he should wait to call so that he wouldn’t seem desperate. But now he’s waited too long and feels silly calling so long after the fact. Okay now let’s be realistic. Most likely this guy fell into the trap we all do sometimes, saying what we think we should say instead of what we actually think. Maybe the sparks weren’t there and he didn’t have the heart to tell you. Try to get in touch with him if you can. But if he’s still flakey, give him a quick kick to the curb and move on.

Gay Committed Guy (Terence): While tempted to say, “He’s just not that…” I think not calling is more likely because the alcohol has worn off and/or another woman is already on the side. When a guy wants to get laid, and let’s face it, if he’s asking for your number, then he’s that kind of into you, the first question running through his head after getting your number is why didn’t we just go home then? Calling sets up a whole ‘nother time-consuming process that sometimes just doesn’t seem worth it. Personally, I think not calling takes real balls — not the good ones. Either you’re an over-confident prick, or you’ve got a girlfriend. You’re over-confident thinking you can get someone better (easier), or you know you may get a little somethin’ started and then have to emergency bail out of the situation. Solution: always, always take his number even though it’s just as shitty to wait around for him to return your calls.

Our ‚Äúwise guys‚ÄĚ are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week they‚Äôre all a little shy.

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67 Responses to “Wise Guys: Why Didn’t He Call When He Said He Would?”

  1. Johnny Says:

    Some guys – especially guys who don’t like the phone – just resent the expectation. We don’t feel we should have to check in like that.

    To us that feels like, “ok, here’s my obligatory phone call. The one you made me promise to make. Not that I have anything to say.”

    Women hate this because they want us to want to call. They wish we’d WANT to pick up the phone and gush about our day and how much we miss each other, just like they might with one of their girl friends.

    But I, for one, am just not like that. I too get irate when beholden to call-appointments. I’ll call when I’m feeling it. Or, if you want to talk, you could, you know… call me. Instead of tearfully enforcing demands that I call you.

  2. Sugar Says:

    @ Johnny..I admit that women love to talk to their guys on the phone. but my question is if you don’t like talking on the phone or its not your obligation to, why tell her that your gonna call every time and then don’t? JUST DON’T TELL HER YOUR GONNA CALL BECAUSE YOU ONLY DISAPPOINT HER WHEN YOU GIVE HER EXPECTATION

  3. Tired of men lies Says:

    Since I have been single for the past 4 years, the men will approach me, I may or may not show interest. If I decide to give him my # the men will call once or so then say they will call but don’t. They sit back and wait for me to call them. I have been told after not calling them for months, ” I haven’t heard from you.” My response, the last time I checked you have my #. These men her in Charlotte, NC act like they are a king on a thrown. I have news for them, I never chase after a man. I am way too beautiful and I do mean beautiful inside and out to chase a man! I’m not agressive at all. If you don’t show interest in me like you did to get my # then I will back off. I’m really tired of men stupid childlike games. I can be by myself and be okay with it. My friend once told me men are intemidated by me because I a pretty and smart and won’t be controlled.

    Tired of men (black men especially).

  4. judy Says:

    Unfortunately, this behavior has become an epidemic. Stick to your guns tired of men, if you hold out for the best you will get it.

  5. H. Ana Says:

    I totally agree with Tired of Men. I’m in the same boat. I’m NOT trying to toot my own horn, but I too am definitely above average beautiful, inside and out and do not chase guys either. I’m told by men and women that men are intimated by me -my beauty, charm, etc. I will not go after guys but this one guy hasn’t called and so I’ve pulled back. If he’s gonna show me he’s not that into me by not calling when he says he will, then fine, I’m not gonna waste my energy on him. no, sir.

  6. Johnny Says:

    ^Oh please, with the “I’m alone because I’m TOO pretty.”

    Doesn’t work like that. That’s not the reason you’re alone. It never is. You’re just taking comfort in grandiose ego trips.

  7. Lily Says:

    Call the dude yourself.

  8. CityGal Says:

    Men, if you start the ball rolling by saying you’re going to call, then why not just do it?! Or please- don’t start the ball rolling, thinking that it’s what we want to hear. It isn’t, and you only look and sound worse when you don’t follow through. There is nothing more attractive than a man who does what he says he’s going to do- And nothing less attractive than a man who does not.

  9. confused Says:

    If i’m not interested he’s going to try harder and send texts ect. If I’m interested he walks away…Men said women are complicated. LOL! I am pretty good looking plus I’m not brainless and I don’t take that as something that makes me better than other people. Where are some real men that are looking for an equal partner?? Or I just didn’t meet the right one yet? Or are men looking for a submissive woman and I’m living in a complete illusion?

  10. Johnny Says:

    ^ Men and women are equally complicated creatures, but if you want a “real man,” then yes, playing the reciprocal of that role, i.e. a “real lady,” is your best bet.

    But maybe you don’t really want an equal partner, although we’ve all been trained to say that we do. Plenty of people are comfortable in a leader’s role, and plenty of people are content to follow. A leader and a follower make an ideal couple, as un-PC as that sounds (I, personally, am completely comfortable with that). Two leaders are a terrible combo. Like Oscar says in The Office, “what ship has two captains? What kitchen has two chefs? What country has two presidents?” And two followers get nothing done.

    Gender comes into play as a problem when the woman is a leader type. Not because men have a problem with that – heavens no. TONS of men are comfortable under the direction of a leaderly woman, who dictates their every move just like their moms used to. The problem is that leaderly women don’t respect follower men.

    So typically one of two things will happen. Either the female leaders seek out male leaders, but things fail because neither can ever defer to the other; or the female leader will guide a male follower into a relationship, but will eventually get frustrated with his big baby ass and dump him.

    Male leaders, on the other hand, are perfectly comfortable with female followers. Male followers are also comfortable with female leaders. So that’s easy.

  11. confused Says:

    Johnny, thanks 4 your answer! It made me think!:)

  12. Willow Says:

    Best answer to this question have ever heard Johhny thanks gave me a lot of insight.

  13. Phonecall Says:

    The problem is not them NOT calling, the problem is them saying they will call and NOT calling. Pretty simple. I hate when men do this, and they do this far too often. Fuck them. They have no respect and no balls.

  14. Johnny Says:

    ^ Flaking on someone and dashing their expectations is something both genders do, although if you counted, I would bet money that women do it with many times the frequency that men do.

  15. Johnny Says:

    ^ Phonecall’s comment got me thinking about the nature of phone numbers.

    Years ago I had a brief and successful foray into the study of pickup. During that time I cracked the phone number code, and learned something that has vexed men since the telephone was invented: women will actually reject you by giving you a phone number.

    I learned that any woman who talks to you for five minutes will give you her number. I also learned that this is no indication at all of her desire to meet with you. Just because she gave you her number, doesn’t mean she’ll ever pick up when you call, or return your calls, or accept an invitation. Yep. Women will give you their numbers just to get rid of you. They’ll almost never come out and say, “thanks but no thanks.” Confusing, huh?

    By the time a guy has been through this, oh, thirty times, he starts doing the same thing as Phonecall: making negative, genital-based generalizations about the nature of feminity. What the fuck is with women? Have they no integrity, no honesty, no respect for the time or feelings of a genuine guy?

    I, for one, was sick of thinking that way. I wanted to be one of the guys who had it easy with women. I attacked the problem empirically and analytically.

    The first thing I did was learn the pattern. A phone number does not equal an indicator of interest. You should therefore look for signs of interest elsewhere. It’s in her body language, in her physical proximity, in the way she looks at you, in her voice. Bam. Success. Once I learned how to read when a woman was REALLY attracted, this problem cleared right up. I rarely got rejected anymore because I only spent energy on women who liked me back. No more phone flakes.

    The second thing that happened was, I developed empathy for the female experience. Most women out there have dealt with major clingers. I’d even say that most women have dealt with a psycho or two – the kind of guy who becomes scary or insulting when rejected or otherwise butthurt. There’s a reason women take the path of least resistance when rejecting men. It’s self-preservation.

    So, to bring this all full circle, back to Phonecall’s comment… the reason women HATE getting blown off is because they invented that trick. They’re all too aware of EXACTLY why a guy hasn’t called. And it hurts, naturally! Easier to lob insults at him – ball-less lout! not a real man! – than to admit to oneself, “shit, he doesn’t desire me, and he’s taking the easy way out, exactly as I’ve done repeatedly.”

  16. Locutus110 Says:

    Hey Phonecall,
    And why do women I meet at the bank or supermarket give me their number and then they don’t answer???
    I can’t tell ya how many times this has happened to me. If the woman isn’t interested, why doesn’t she just say so and not give me her number??
    You women are hypocrites, guilty of the exact same things you accuse men of. It’s worse to be a hypocrite in my book. I stopped paying attention to the whining from women years ago because they do the same things they complain about. Hypocrites.

  17. babybee Says:

    I agree wth all the girls comments here. Guys dont blame us cuz you totally suck! If im not interested in a guy I never play games or give out my number..I just tell them sorry I just got out of a relationship and not into dating..to which most guys respond annoyed “then why are u doing here (club, lounge, etc)?!” Excuse me Whats that supposed to mean. Obviously guys dont like honest women and just want to play stupid mind games so they deserve to get blown off. As for women I dont get offended if the guy says he’s not interested but I get offended if he says I’ll call u tmr to make plans then disappears for a week. Grow up and act like a man!

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