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Your Call: Should She Share Her Fantasies?

Tue, Mar 10, 2009

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

brainphoto by Dierk Schaefer

We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve got some naughty fantasies, the likes of which sometimes even freak me out a little: you know, crazy stuff I think about to help get me off, but stuff I’d never do in real life. I’m torn between telling my husband and just keeping them to myself. If I tell him, sharing something like that could bring us closer and spice up our sex life. But it could also make him think I’m a weirdo and/or he could poke fun and/or I could be forever mortified. Keeping them to myself means I get something truly my own, for my me-time. I just sometimes feel like I’m not being totally myself with him by not opening up. What do you think?
– Of Two Dirty Minds


If you can’t see the poll, click here to take it.


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39 Responses to “Your Call: Should She Share Her Fantasies?”

  1. oohlookasquirrel Says:

    I voted for divulging gradually and with caution, and I want to clarify because the answer I would have really given wasn’t exactly an option. I would not share fantasies that I knew would hurt my partner’s feelings. For example, if he is a jealous sort of guy, you probably don’t want to just come out and say that you’ve been fantasizing about other guys, or multiple guys at once. Even though there’s nothing wrong with that, he may be hurt that he’s not enough for you. So if you’re going to share something that you think might hurt his feelings or really intimidate him, I would do it with extreme caution (i.e. share a “hot dream” you had that you would “never” do in real life, rather than saying you think about a certain fantasy whenever you masturbate). I could see how sharing a fantasy could potentially ruin a sex life with an insecure partner. Guys in general are probably more open to experimenting, but if you flip the genders of the situation, there are probably a lot of women who would become seriously worried and/or insecure if they found out that their husbands have been fantasizing frequently about sex with another guy, another woman, a pair of girls, a tranny, etc.

  2. daisy Says:

    I think that the main deciding factor on this one is what you want to accomplish by telling your husband. Do you merely want to have the experience of saying these things out loud to another human being? Are you hoping that he’ll look at you and say “I’ve always wanted to do that too!”? Perhaps you’re hoping that he’ll play along and act some of these fantasies out with you?

    I don’t think you have to sit your husband down and confess every dirty thought you’ve ever had all in one sitting but it might be a lot of fun to divulge one or two. Then perhaps you both can go from there. And as far as his reaction goes, unless you’re admitting to being turned on by something that is immoral or illegal (i.e. pedophilia, bestiality, etc) you probably don’t have a lot to worry about. For one, he’s your husband, not some random one night stand with no emotional commitment to you and secondly, he’s probably got some of his very own freak nasty fantasies of his own. Would you judge or make fun of him for opening up to you about his secret desires?

    And lastly, there’s no rule that you have to share you sexual fantasies with him. If those thoughts are images or scenarios you keep in your pocket for a rainy day, then that’s ok. If there are things that you would actually like to come to fruition then you can share them with your man and see about making them happen for real. You’re not being sneaky or dishonest by NOT telling him. I mean, it’s likely that he’s got his fair share of stuff in the Spank Bank that he’s more than happy to keep to himself. You guys obviously care about each other because you’re married, so relax and cut yourself (and him) some slack and remember that sex is supposed to be fun and healthy!

  3. Brendan Says:

    Not only should you tell your husband, you should probably tell us as well. Only for advice-giving reasons, of course.

    Other than that, I agree with the previous posters that revealing gradually is the best way to go. It’s likely if your husband is a cool guy that he will be psyched to hear your fantasies and thrilled that they are “crazy”. BUT if he is judgmental or insecure, then revealing just a bit at a time would minimize your vulnerability and ease him into the idea of you being a little bit kinky.

    Always stay positive! Whatever your fantasy is, its likely to be totally awesome and your husband will probably love it! Regardless, treating it as a cool secret rather than a horrible one makes it more likely that he’ll see it that way, too.

  4. Shawna Says:

    My man actually can feel in his heart when I’m not telling him sumthing that i am doing bad. Some men actually want honesty in a relationship. My man is 1 he’s very honest. He says if you wait even a week to tell him u cheat that is wrong. basically be totally honest and not hold back from the person you love. You should be able to talk about anything with the person u chose to spend the rest of your life with.

  5. dean knott Says:

    I think that what is in your own private life should stay there. If you do something, and you enjoy it, and it makes you feel good, keep it to your self. No one has to know your personal business.

  6. Dave W Says:

    I have to disagree with Shawna. I don’t think you’re being bad, dishonest, or holding back because you have private fantasies. My thinking is in line with the other commenters – proceed slowly, because of the concerns you expressed in your question.

  7. Danielle Says:

    You need to slowly tell your husband if you think you are really going to want to explore these fantasies. I have had fantasies that I have shared with my husband and he got off on it and seemed interested. Then he would become insecure and it would never happen. however it is still on my mind. I am a sexual person and I don’t think I can live with never having the experiences. Both partners need to be open to each others fantasies because as long as it is resonably safe and legal, than you only have one life. Do it girl!

  8. Ceel Says:

    You seem shy, so don’t force yourself. You definitely deserve to have private thoughts just for you – a marriage forces you to share so much of yourself that keeping such things to yourself can become very precious.

    I like the idea of trying out one or two tamer things first, to see how he reacts. I once used a magazine article to broach a tricky subject with a partner – I just didn’t feel comfortable saying it aloud, but I wanted to know what he thought, so I ‘commented’ on it as I read and felt out his thoughts on the subject. It turned out to be a really good way of getting us to talk about it, because it seemed relaxed and there was no agenda and no pressure as far as he could see.

    Whatever you decide, good luck!

  9. gloria Says:

    Since you don’t give us any idea what your fantasy is how could we give you an answer? You might both be thinking the same thing. I say tell him a little a first and see how it goes. Talk with a trusted friend (or maybe an anonymous pen pal).

    If you are too afraid of sharing something extreem its going to frustrate you. Post it anonymously on an apropiate forum, get it out (or in as the case may be) and see what others think.

  10. candypants Says:

    I say share. He might not be into the same stuff, but he’ll definitely be into you having more intense orgasms- it will be good for his ego, no doubt. I voted for spill the beans, thinking that since he’s a guy he’ll be into it, whatever it is (since you didn’t say I’m imagining things that are probably way worse than what you actually want, btw). But on second thought, it depends on the dynamics of the relationship.

    Maybe testing the waters first is the best way to do it. FInd out if he’s into it and then work your way up to what you want. Or at the very least, if you spill it, prepare him with a disclaimer first…something like, “I’ve been keeping some really wild fantasies to myself, because I’ve been worried how you’re going to react” Don’t just drop it on him out of the blue. Give him time to mull it over and don’t try to pressure him into it.

  11. CHUCK Says:

    KEEP IT TO YOUESELF YOU START OFF WITH WHO YOU WANT AND YOU FINISH WITH WHO YOU WANT

  12. CHUCK Says:

    LUST LET IT GO YOU START OFF WITH WHO YOU WANT AND YOU FINNISH WITH WHO YOU WANT NO HARM HIGH HONY IM HOME

  13. Fiona Says:

    I think ther should be a bit of give and take. Ask yourself ome thing first: do you want to know his sexual fantasies? Because if not then it’s unfair to share yours but make him keep quiet about his.
    In my experience, if there’s one thing a man loves, it’s his partner exposing her sexual side. It opens up sexual oppertunites they didn’t know were available. If you reveal your fantasies I think he’d find a serious turn on rather than a turn off.
    We all know men spend a huge portion of time thinking about sex. They love it when they know you do too. That way when they think about sex they think about you thinking about it! Men have a wild sexual imagination, unless he’s seriously conservative and isn’t adventurous then odds are his sexual fantasies are far more worse than yours even though you may think that impossible.
    It’s all about testing the waters. I remember the initial shock I had when I was first spanked then grew to love it so much I was asking him to do it!

    Don’t be afraid, he will seriously LOVE your honesty. His initial will wear off and soon he’ll be begging for more!

  14. Lani Says:

    Once, after I had had a couple of drinks on a Saturday night when we were at home listening to music and dancing around the house, I spilled to my fiance that I had thoughts about trying some things out sexually with another woman while we were still together and asked how he felt about it. At first, he was surprised and kind of turned on. The next day, it made him feel uncomfortable. Every day after that and for the following five or six months, he would be on edge because he thought I wanted to be with another woman instead of him and constantly thought I was going to cheat on him with a girl because of my fantasies…Looking back, I wish I would’ve just kept my mouth shut. Sometimes the fantasies should just be between you and your imagination.

  15. Mark Says:

    If he asks in the heat of foreplay you could test the waters of his tolerance by giving him the tamest fantasies. I can tell you from personnal experience that my wife’s fantasies really turn me on. However, “one time in band camp” I blurted out to her one of mine and she got insulted. So now when we engage in that exchange of ideas I just watch the way I say things. We often have those kinds of exchanges to spice things up but I know/feel she keeps some of her naughtiest to herself even though I am dying to know, but I respect her right to keep them to herself.

  16. Cat Says:

    I have been married 22 years. I am one of the lucky ones. My husband and I are still on our honeymoon. There is absolutely nothing I can’t tell him and the fact of the matter is, it turns him on. It depends on your relationship and how long you have been with your partner as to how much if any you should tell I suppose. I’m just glad that I have the relationship that I do. My husband even tries to help my fantasies come true and I with his also.

  17. Kelli Says:

    I too would start out slow by telling my fantasy or feelings to my partner a little at a time and then go from there. I have been married almost 20 years and wish that I could be in a relationship like “Cat” that after 22 years, she feels like she is still on her honeymoon and seems to have a great love life. I have never felt that connection with my husband and should have thought about that before I married because those feelings are there or they are not. I pray that I have the courage to move on in a few years when the kids are older. We get along well but no “love” connection, just like good business partners, on my part.

  18. Pat Says:

    I believe that if these thoughts are your fantasies than in a way you do want these things to acually happen. Isn’t that what a fantasy is anyway? Something that’s out of the ordinary that turns you on? In my own personal life I’ve found that it’s good to share these fantasies a little at a time because I can guarantee you that your partner has fantasies that they’re not sure if you’d be into. So my advice is to start off slow. Usually the best way to come out with a fantasie is to either bring your partner shopping in a lingerie store or to come out with a more tame fantasy during sex by saying something “Would you be interested in trying…” if you really feel that coming out with something in the middle of sex might ruin the mood for your partner even if it’s a more tame fantasy than sit down and talk to your partner about one or a couple or a few depending on how many fantasies you have in your little secret locker in your mind. =)

  19. Bruce Says:

    One of the best things for my relationship with my wife, is just laying in bed talking, and things like this ease their way into the conversation….. like ask about his teenage days, and if he did anything wild or weird, and hint along those lines….

    if your into urofilia, mention things like having to pee, and beeing forced to wait, almost wetting yourself… etc, and see how he reacts….

    if you like feet, talk about your shoes, draw his attention there…

    or if he’s totally dense (like me) read articles online, point them out to him, gauge his reaction.

    hope it helps. ;)

  20. deroe Says:

    I voted #2, test the waters, because guys will sometimes get freaked out if they feel you have these thoughts, and then comes the questions, because they may not think they are fantasies, but something you have tried, and now miss. You might also try asking him, his, and see if they match, and try it then, but also incorporate your own, as you become more comfortable with this venture. But Chris Rock, once joked about this, (advice to guys) you and your lady come home after a night of lets say light drinking, but more than just tipsy, and she suggest that she would like to show you something, whatever it is, don’t totally feak, because if you do, that door will close forever, believe me.

    I’d be remissed if I didn’t say to the guys, we are not the only ones with fantasies.

  21. Melanie Says:

    I have been married for a long time or well 8 years seems long to me. But when my husband and I first got together we had sex a lot like most people. I got pregnant our first year and through that hole year we didn’t have rough sex like we had been having in the beginning. So once the baby was born I just came out and told him that I’ve been having fantisies, maybe my husband is more open to new things than most and in that since I know I’m lucky. He told me not to tell him what I wanted to do, he said just do it because if I changed it up during sex that it would open his mind up to things that he has always wanted to do too, and that could be your husbands case he maybe scared to open up to you his fantisies because he doesn’t want to freak you out either. I love watching porn just because there might be something left out in our sex life we haven’t tried. But they say after the first few years it gets boring in the bed room and I have to disagree. Because its up to the both of you how spicy you want your sex life to be. But you have to be open with him, and let him know that there are somethings that you’ve been wanting to try and when he says what is it either devulge some new things you could try that night or make it even sexier and tell him you want to surprise him and show him instead. Thats when he will let you know whether he is willing to try new things or not.

  22. Saige Says:

    So I chose to tell him little by little but I also wanted to mention something, you can be afraid that he’ll laugh at you, but thats not neccessarilly a bad response. being like, “how come you never talk dirty to me?” might get a nervous laugh but the thing to consider is…. that you’ve said something a little shocking and if u stay quiet and give him a minute to consider the situation, he might tell you what fantasies he has that he doesnt tell YOU about. Start off with something thats not too crazy, and maybe he’ll be like “Ive always wanted to try something like this too….”

  23. Saige Says:

    also… dont listen to CHUCK, he’s illiterate and cant turn off the caps….

  24. Paola Says:

    you know what you should do? SPILL IT ALL OUT! not only it will shock him but it will also spice up your life in bed!! I do the same thing and our life is incredible.. it’s out of this world!!!

  25. anita Says:

    I voted for the first response. I feel that somethings are better left to you and your imagination. I mean what if you shared what you’ve been thinking and something happens that ended the relationship. What you decided to share can possibly come back and bite you in the rear, he could use it as ammunition. And, sometimes, they will tell you that if you didn’t intend to do it you wouldn’t be thinkg about it. Besides, a fantasy is somewhat theraputic. I mean if the day or your significant other is really being a behind you can go to your fantasy where life is perect all of the time.

  26. Annmarie Says:

    I voted for telling gradually and I still stand by it.
    My suggestion is telling him something during some sexual/foreplay activity.
    Lets say you’re holding his erected reproductive organ in you hands, pretty close to your face (yes, about to do just that) and than tell him something and proceed to do “just that”. Than pause, tell him some more and looking for clues as to his reaction.

    Chances are you won’t be ridiculed, and whatever it is you say will be associated with a pretty stimulating sexual act. It can also lead to some negotiation from a pretty powerful point. “Hey, do you want me to continue? OK, than as of tomorrow I’m using a strap-on on you/ dominate you/ serve you as a maid/ you serve me/ I lick your anus/ you lick mine/” etc. etc.

    You have plenty of cards. use them wisely and you’ll be amazed as how easy it it!

  27. Shari Says:

    Don’t tell. Either do it or keep shut. Are men interested in female fantasies? I’ve done sandwich and my former bisexual husband didn’t dared to do it but did fantasize about men….talking about an open door. Do women fantasize about being cummed all over? Because maybe then men would be interested, if they did not already got to that. Only fantasy women can share are their bisexual ones. Which by the way turns out to be a flawed impersonation of doing one at the time.

  28. Shari Says:

    Nothing more boring than just talking about things that will never happen. And if you want to be dominated or be the dominator, be ready to kiss love goodbye: there’s no love under will.

  29. 987654321 Says:

    The most honest answer can only be given by yourself. You and you alone truly know your relationship. What you are describing is a double edged sword. My wife and I have been together for 10 years now, and have opened up and explored some fantasies on both sides. Beware though, sometimes you get what you ask for. In my own experience, sometimes fantasies are better left that way. Once that door is opened, there really is no going back. In our case, things were done wrong on both our behalfs. We had a pretty rough time with some things we had both done, with and without the other present. Only afterward did we realize how much resentment was caused. I’m not saying that this will also happen to you, but beware that that is always a possibility. We deeply love and respect each other, so our marriage remains strong. Nothing wrong with being open and honest with your partner, just also let it be known that these are fantasies, not an immediate want or need. Good Luck!

  30. Nick Says:

    as a guy I can tell you that for most guys, even if your fanticies scare him a lot, he’ll still be glad to hear them.

    worst case he’ll respond with something like “wow. that is some sick twisted stuff….. you better be able to keep a secret…if it gets out that i did this stuff.. you’ll be in trouble.”

  31. Tara Riley Says:

    I recently left my fiance and have since found a new guy that I’m interested in. He’s going through a similar situation, and we have been honest with each other about everything, including our past lives. I think honestly is always the best policy, but of course you could test the waters because as was mentioned, he might not want to hear it. And trust me, men aren’t only interested in women’s bisexual fantasies. I can turn just about any straight guy on with words in about five seconds, and I’ve never told any man a bisexual fantasy of mine.

  32. missE Says:

    it all depends on what you want. i agree that having a naughty fantasy all to yourself, that’s just yours, can have some value. everybody needs something that is “just theirs.” but if this is a fantasy you’d really like to try, then you shoud try to share it with him. even if it’s not something that you think you might actually be able to do, just talking about the fantasy can be enough of a turn on and the sharing of the fantasy with may fulfill your needs as well as actually acting out the fantasy. it concerns me that you think your husband would make fun of you or think that you’re weird. hopefully he is a modern, mature man who would not chastise his wife for having natural sexual curiosities. one way you could open up the conversation is to ask him if he has any fantasies. if he shares something personal and potentially a little embarrassing with you, then you should be able to trust him to react to your fantasies with tact.

  33. Cesca Says:

    use some reverse psychology to test the waters first. ‘what’s your opinion on threesomes/anal sex/outdoor play etc’ or whatever your fantasy happens to be and see what his reaction is so you know how to approach the matter :) .

  34. DJ Says:

    The irony is that guys tend to be even more nervous about ‘fessing up with fantasies, possibly because of the whole fragile ego thing. Odds are that if you test the waters a bit, you’ll find he’s got some ideas of his own that he’d love to be able to share with you… if he could get past the fear.

    Of course, if you DO mention something, I’d advise it be something you really would like to try, and that you allow space for him to reciprocate :)

  35. Rissa Says:

    I say let him in on it, only because if it’s something that you think about it while you’re having your Me Time, and it helps you “finish” your Me Time, how much greater would it be to actually be enjoying the act that has supplied you with so many naughty, wonderful thoughts!

  36. Shirley Says:

    Recently my guy told me some of his fantasies, and altho I do not fantasise, I do at least daydream very imaginatively. Now ( since I feel that it is a healthy and natural thing for the male of the species to do)I am feeling that his fantasies are something I,d like to share with him. I do not understand why some females get up tight about it , its not something you should put under a microscope. Accept it and your guy will never stray, knock it and he be looking elsewhere.

  37. Lo-ND Says:

    You know your guy right? if you tell him you want to have sex with 2 guys and have him watch… what is he going to say, will he forever walk around not trusting you because you told him this Or will he say hey, I know these 2 guys and they can be here in 5… or will he confess he has fantasys of having sex with the babysitter and then you will have a hang up… you know what your guy can handle… just tell him your tamer ones, middle of the road ones that maybe the 2 of you can act out together… if he is in to 3 somes o swinging than go for it, but also know if he is not, your fantasys could cause harm to your relationship… Lo-ND

  38. ItDepends Says:

    I don’t think it’s a matter of how secure your relationship is or whether your sex life needs spicing up or not! Whether you tell depends solely on whether you want (or hope) your other half to get involved.

    Some of my fantasies work well with partner participation (eg sex in a public place), and those fantasies I’ll tell. Others – like the ubiquitous rape fantasy – I don’t want in reality and I don’t even want to act it out. It’s purely a fantasy and can only occur in my mind. So I don’t spoil it by telling.

    So – do you WANT your partner to join in? And do you think he’s likely to? Unless you answer yes to both, keep quiet!

  39. Kitty Says:

    I think you should confess a ‘mild’ fantasy to him, and see what he thinks and says about it. If he reacts positively, then be brave and gradually build it up, telling him some more daring fantasies. If he doesn’t react positively, this does not make you a freak! Everyone likes different things, and you can be suprised by what some people like. For instance, I remember telling my friend that I like the whole BDSM thing, and it turns out that she likes it too, then she added that she likes the rape fantasy, as do I. Infact, it turns out that many people who you know is likely to be somewhat curious about some fantasies that may be like yours.
    I am completely open to telling my boyfriend my sexual fantasies. Even if I find some embarassing to tell and I think he will sit there and laugh, it turns out that he really likes the idea, and wants to act it out. I even tell him any sexual dreams I have, and sometimes we act them out, which is a truly amazing experience.
    Anyway, even if your fantasies may be a little on the wild side, what’s so wrong with that? It’s better to be imaginative and unique than be the same as everyone else. I think if someone didn’t like anything at all that’s a little different, the sex wouldn’t be half as fun as it could be.
    Just think of the song ‘Get Your Freak On’ if you ever feel bad for having these fantasies, and know that it’s great to be different ;D


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