photo by SimplySchmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
There’s a snake charmer in your life who’s playing you like a, um, whatever instrument snake charmer’s play. They’ve got you mesmerized, hypnotized, doing silly little dances, treating you like a circus animal instead of the sex animal you are. Have some dignity: grow a spine and some limbs and walk away.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Be the ball this week and play hard to get. Don’t let anybody scoop you up and slam dunk you, at least not yet. Make them chase after you, break a sweat. Make them work for your balls. We mean, your ball.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
How does that picket fence feel crammed up your tush? Not so great, eh? Well, that’s what you get for being indecisive. You’ll also get someone who may have been a great partner (or at least a great lay) walking out on you. But that’s okay, you’ve got a lot of things going on right now — like having anal sex with fences.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
In the immortal words of Pretty Woman’s Kit De Luca (she of the other immortal phrase “Cinda-fuckin-rella”), you’ve got to work it. Own it, baby. Be playful, show a little skin, bare a little soul. You might just get to see a little skin and soul yourself–and isn’t that what we’re all after, at the end of the day? Well, that and a pony.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t mislead someone about your intentions just because you don’t want to be alone tonight. If all you’re interested in is “play,” then ferchrissakes don’t check the “serious relationship” box, you big heart tease.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The stars tell you to “prepare to have a good time” this week. Of course, “good time” is a very personal, subjective thing, and so is prepping for it. If your idea of a good time is winning at Connect 4, then don’t bother shaving your naughty bits. There’s a vice versa in there somewhere, but it makes us blush just to think about it.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It won’t kill you to make the first move, so do it already.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ve got a great party persona, but make sure your party face isn’t masking the real you. Because when someone falls for your party tricks and then dumps you in the morning when the party music stops playing, man, does that suck.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’re a player, Sag. But this week, prepare to get played. Wear your helmet and brace for heartache.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ll be looking for love and affection this week. Too bad you don’t have better directions. Maybe if you didn’t act like such a spaz all the time, love and affection would find you.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Not that you ever wait for our encouragement or permission to do so, but this week we strongly suggest opening your big mouth (and no, not for that purpose, you dirty fish). Speak your mind, and you’re 98.7 percent guaranteed to get the response you’re looking for. (The 1.3 percent margin of error is due to the admittedly low likelihood of a bad hair day.)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Your astrological advice this week comes from the “No Duh” file: “Do the things you enjoy the most and you will end up meeting someone who likes to do the same things as you.” The stars must really need a vacation.