photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The stars say you that doing things with friends, relatives, community groups and/or colleagues will bring you in contact with a future love connection. That’s like saying eating food will fill your stomach. No duh. Perhaps what they are suggesting is that you not try so hard. Stop looking for love in all the wrong places. Stop looking for love in all the right places. Just stop looking: go out, have some fun, don’t worry about getting laid, and someone’s sure to fall onto your jammie.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Do that extra body shot, be the first on the dance floor, be the last to go home, let your hair down, and your pants, too, should the mood strike — public impersonations of the psycho in Silence of the Lambs are making a comeback.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This week, you’ll finally put your finger on exactly what it is you want, but your partner will be unwilling to make your dream come true (too busy, too broke, too afraid it will turn them gay). Life’s a bitch like that sometimes.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Someone you meet this week will lead you into new territory (perhaps the third orifice?) when it comes to letting go of your inhibitions (you’re so anal retentive) and letting the adventurous (a.k.a. ass-kinky) side of you unfold. Relax (your sphincter) and enjoy the ride (cowboy).

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re like the post-makeover slutty Sandy when all your Danny wants is for you to be yourself. Actually, he wants you to put out, too — that is why he donned the letterman jacket and went out for track, after all. But there are less showy ways to say you’re “interested” and “available.” Turn it down a notch, ya big ho.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
This week, it’s all about body language. And we don’t mean the cheezoid hair toss or the so-called seductive crossing and uncrossing of the legs, à la Sharon Stone. No, we just mean: Walk into a room like you own it. Look at that hottie across the room like it’s your decision whether they come over and ask for your number. Try not to talk to much; you risk ruining your rap. Walk out of a room like you know you’re taking the party with you. If your friends ask you why you’re walking funny, give them a “you wouldn’t understand” look and stare off into the distance. Just wait till they see your funny walk tomorrow, after you’ve gotten the lay of your life.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You know how coaches tell you that your cool-down period after a work-out should be in direct proportion to the length of the session? Thus a twenty-minute jog around the block will only require a few minutes of wind-down walking, whereas a three-hour cross-country run will need a lot more. Relationships are kind of the same way. For example, while it may be appropriate to call off a mini-relationship (we’re talking no more than three dates) via email, it is definitely not cool to dump your three-year lover over the phone. Right now, you’re in a twenty-minute jog relationship, but admit it: You’re kind of bored. Plus their oral pleasures skills are lacking. So why not get out now while the getting out is easy; a few more months and it’s going to take some serious undoing.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ve got your mojo going on this week, so don’t waste it on players with mullets, Celine Dion fans, or anyone who’s never voted. You’ve got to channel the mojo, man. Take it on the road and find an appreciative audience. Don’t worry about the cover charge; you can pay off your credit card bill next month when the mojo’s on strike and you’re stuck at home listening to old Doors records.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Go with the flow. Take it easy. Change doesn’t bother you. Change is good. It’s all good. Life is full of little surprises. Steer into the skid. Work with it. Be mellow, dude.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Okay, let’s say your romantic life is a flat tire. Now, you can stand around by the side of the road talking to AAA for an hour and a half. Or you can change it yourself and get things moving again. Hmmm, decisions, decisions.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Bermuda Triangle: bad idea. Triangular-shaped tires: They never really took off, did they? Love triangles: always a bad idea. Stay away from triangles this week.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
What’s the fastest animal in the world? An Ethiopian chicken! That’s a classic from Truly Tasteless Jokes. We were reminded of it by the speed with which you’ve been taking things lately in the booty department. Slow down, lest you end up with your head cut off.