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Wise Guys: Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?

Tue, Apr 7, 2009

Advice, Wise Guys

first_datesphoto by kreetube

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them.¬† You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,’” even when you’d rather not wait?¬† Men get that too.¬† Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway.¬† Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway?¬† Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.

Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential.¬† What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in!¬† So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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204 Responses to “Wise Guys: Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?”

  1. Chelsea B Says:

    It really depends on what the guy thinks. If the guy has stated (and believed) that he cannot have a serious relationship with a woman who sleeps with him on the first date, then they won’t have a relationship! It just really depends on the people involved, everyone had different beliefs.

    Like Mark said, relationships are never black and white!

  2. Johnny Says:

    Early sex never made any guy lose interest. Trouble comes up when women have sex with guys who were NEVER interested – the girls then backwards rationalize the fall-through by saying, “oh no, I blew a potentially beautiful relationship by putting out to early! Who knows what could have been!” This is gentler on the ego than admitting to oneself that he never wanted anything more than sex.

    Personally, I say screw as early as possible. My current GF and I had sex before our first date.

  3. Alex Says:

    The gay guy’s advice was dead-on—I think it can help people get closer. But it’s bad if you’re doing it and you’re not comfortable with it.

    Bigger than the question of guys or girls or gay or straight is the issue of the kind of relationship you want. The only real reason to wait now is to develop more of a friendship before the sex begins.

  4. Halla Says:

    “Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.”

    I think any man who will sleep with a me on the first date and then judge me for doing so is a complete hypocrite. It definitely takes two to have sex (sometimes more!)… I would never want to stay with someone who has two sets of morals; one for me and one for him.

    Women are sexual creatures, too. I wish more of us would break free and stop worrying about how other people perceive us, and focus more on how we feel about ourselves. Ladies, listen to your intuition more. She’s usually spot on.

    So, I agree 100% with Dan and like his spin on things the best of all.

  5. laura Says:

    Dan’s advice is right on! Have lots of sex while you’re still desirable!

    And I agree with the commenter who said that the problem with having sex on the first date isn’t that it will make a dude lose interest, it’s that it will make a scum bag out of the dude who was only interested in sex. so dudes, keep it in your pants if you’re not interested in more. Chances are, even if you are a total loser, the woman’s self esteem is so low that she will be tricked into thinking she likes you.

  6. Jonathan Says:

    Hey I had sex the first time I met the [then] love-of-my-life. We were together for the following 15 years. We are still best friends. ‘Nuff said?

    Jonathan

  7. Wendell Says:

    I dig the three wise guys’ advice this week, for the most part.

    “so dudes, keep it in your pants if you‚Äôre not interested in more. Chances are, even if you are a total loser, the woman‚Äôs self esteem is so low that she will be tricked into thinking she likes you.”

    While I’m sure there are grains of truth to the quote above from laura and what Johnny said, putting the onus of the situation on the woman and giving “keep it in your pants” advice to the guy smacks of still holding on to some restrictive gender crap to me. How about tell the guys if they aren’t interested in more to say so up front, like Chelsea B suggests.

  8. Konrad Product Says:

    Daniel’s so right: sex on the first date is like taking a car you might buy out for a spin or trying on a shirt. You wouldn’t buy either without seeing if the brakes work or the fit was right, so why wouldn’t you fuck someone on the first date? Moreso, I like his attitude of being open to possibilities. The fact is, none of know when we’re going to meet _________ and it might be as random and unforeseen as someone you meet online. Or on the street. Or at work. A plane, the airport, driving cross country …

    And even if the sex sucks & you never hook up again, you’ve made a connection that has more depth than most. What’s left out of this is the safe sex thing: HIV, yes, for sure, is still around but there are also other STDS lurking, looking for a new host(ess.) Fuck with abandon, but please, bring a rubber to the party! And some lube.

  9. frohawk/Mexcian girl Says:

    i think if the guy is not really feeling the date and they have sex then like its not a killer in the relationship. but if you have sex and it feels good and you both are speechless and just quite. then you know the next thing that will happen….KILLER TURNED OFF

  10. Freak Says:

    I think Dan is SPOT ON! Let’s get rid of these outdated and messed up notions of purity and morals…
    and focus on building healthy relationships.

  11. Amy Says:

    Are you sure the Straight guy is straight??? He doesn’t sound so to me. Very bad advice giver.

  12. sheila Says:

    Okay, I am older then most of you I am sure, but would like to throw out there what I think. I feel that sex is something shared between two people and should be very special and involve love.I am happily married but sure so wish I would have rethought a few things early on in my life and I would have held on to my innocent side for a while longer.
    You really think we should just dissmiss morals and values? You have no idea how much that scares me for my children. I may be old fashioned but I still believe in the message of God and would hope that my children will follow, it is so important. Believe me there are consequences you will have to pay for just doing what you want or what you feel at the time.
    I am not judging or saying that anyone is “wrong” or “bad” I am not judging anyone for what they do, I am just saying that I believe in my heart that true happiness and peace can only come from the Lord.
    If you have sex with someone on the first date that is like starting in the middle or the end of a relationship don’t you think? Sure you can still learn about each other but I guess I just look at it as something to build towards and sex is the reward or bonus that you get when you commit and love someone.

  13. Mark Says:

    Sex isn’t from a “connection”. Well, not with a nomral man. Your ass looks great in those pants, and you are hot. That is it. It is over later because you just don’t work. Ignore all advice from men that engage in homosexual behavior. Unless you want a homo.

  14. Steve Says:

    Sex on first date need not be a killer to a future relationship, which is more an answer to the actual question. Today, I am living the dilemma of having had sex on the first date, and now have real reservations going forward – particularly because the date, I sense, has stronger feelings than I intended to have after a 1st date (i.e. – love rather than strong like, which could lead there). So, the correct answer (in my humble opinion) is that sex on the first date does not automatically ruin chances, but sex on a first date does not always help.

  15. abbey Says:

    thank you sheila i’m 17 and have come to know truth in God and i won’t force my opinion on anyone else but like the great philosopher C.S. lewis said people think that keeping sexual desires pent up is whats causing the craziness and if they just follow their desires the problems will be solved.. but the reality is that the craziness has been caused by following our temporary desires… me and my current boyfriend waited 7 months before we had sex and did for a long time but when my life was changed through Christ we stopped and i am happier than ever. its good to know someone else shares these seemingly “old fashioned” views. even though i might seem prude-ish… waiting until marriage is right. i wish other people could see that and i think alot will once they’re married and have to tell their husband how many people they’ve casually slept with.

  16. abbey Says:

    and by the way sex with that one person that you KNOW you love and can trust would be more fun and fulfilling than any hook up

  17. marie Says:

    WELL I THINK SEX ON THE FIRST DATE IS NOT ALL BAD AS LONG AS YOU ARE PROTECTED AND NOT GOING ON THREE NEW DATES A WEEK. BUT IF YOU ARE SMART ABOUT IT AND FEELING THAT PERSON THEN GO FOR IT AND IF THE SEX IS GOOD THEN EVEN BETTER BECAUSE IF A RELATIONSHIP DOES DEVELOP THEN YOU KNOW THAT THE SEX WILL BE GOOD. INSTEAD OF WAITING FALLING FOR THAT PERSON THEN HAVING SEX WIT THEM AND FINDING OUT THEY ARE HORRIBLE IN THE SACK

  18. Bridget Says:

    The way I look at it is: would you let a complete stranger into your house and give them full access to everything that you have? No, right? Well, you’re doing the same thing when you have sex on the first date. I’m not a prude, but I do have self-respect as well as respect for the person I’m with/people I date. I want to get to know someone and have them get to know me before sex is involved. And for me, there has to be love/a strong connection there. Otherwise, it’s not enjoyable for me because it feels empty. You’re not going to have a real connection with someone you just met – it’s infatuation/hormones!

    I went on a first date on Friday with a guy, and the mutual attraction was undeniable. At the end of the date, he gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. It was polite and respectful of me. Oh, I WANTED more….he’s attractive, he smelled really good and we had a good date…but I also admit that it’s fun waiting for the tension to build.

  19. Will Says:

    No it doesn’t kill it In fact it can keep you from making a bad decision and let you know up front how FREAKY things can be so that if you are attracted and the Sex is good then you can end your search and just be with …But just make sure you take time to know NAME

  20. June Says:

    “men are hunters”, “they should chase you”, “delay sex for some weeks and months and men will value you more”. what a filthy misogynist crap. women use their bodies as a hook and admit that it is just the bodies that mean.
    to have sex at the first date is to check straightaway if the guy is worth paying attention to. morning-after reaction is the best touchstone

  21. Glass Says:

    Ok, female perspective: I have never fully understood why women fret over this subject. It’s not about what the man thinks of you! It’s about self-respect! Sorry, I’ve never “put out” on a 1st date and don’t intend to, because I RESPECT MYSELF more than that. Sure, I’ve wanted to, but seriously that’s like jumping in the sack with a total stranger and I’m not going to lower my standards to that. So, the girls that ponder this subject need to get some self-respect.

  22. delicia Says:

    I have another question – guys, what do you think if you’ve been on a few dates with a girl and the first time you spend the night you don’t have sex? Would you think the girl’s a tease and lose interest?

  23. Ty Beerman Says:

    Delicia, I wouldn’t think that. But if you are spending the night together AND making out then leaving him without release you are cruel and heartless AND a tease.

    Blue ballz is terribly painful. It feels like your testicals are heavy and extremely tender. almost like every time they move or brush your leg your getting a dull “racked” feeling.

    Its OK to spend the night talking and light fooling around but if you really get him going and then stop, you should be aware its more than just a psychological downer for us.

    You could at least use yr hand if you don’t want to go to intercourse.

    A tease or not has to do with whether you actively lead him to think it is going to end in sex and then you say no as a habitual behavior, not if it just sort of happens by accident once or twice.

  24. Ty Beerman Says:

    Sex on a first date? Sure and I for one wouldnt hold that against a girl… On the other hand I cant actually remember ending up long term with any of the girls I went home with or took home on a first date. It would be an interesting study…

    Maybe making us wait and put in a little effort actually does make us value the resultant relationship more?

    I just dont know. Its not that some of those girls didnt want a longer term thing… but maybe I was just quicker to lose interest…

    Anyone want to shout out if you have ended up in a good long term relationship or married to the girl you banged the night you met her? or the second time you got together…

    I kind of think that once you are sleeping together its too easy to stop trying to get to really know her and just follow the successful formula that primes her to get back in your bed and repeat so you dont really fall for the person. She remains a great piece of ass but isnt “special” beyond that and so not someone youd think of staying with.

    All conjecture… My ex wife held out for a couple months as friends but she kept ambiguously flirting, falling asleep in my dorm room on my bed after watching movies late etc… all my long term girl friends held out at least three dates (I think) before putting out. Anyone I can remember going right to bed with didn’t last more than a month or if they did it was just on a booty call benefits basis. Could be a coincidence, but I don’t think so.

    I really think for a long term thing to happen, emotional infatuation has to at least begin before sex overwhelms that aspect of the relationship.

  25. Charlotte Says:

    ok GUYS * I need your advice!

    I met a very attractive guy at my workplace, and he asked me out. We had an amazing date, great conversation, great chemistry – and we ended up having a few too many drinks and we ended up going back to my place and having sex. on the first date.

    We hung out again a few days later and we had sex again. The next day he called me again wondering when I was free next.

    Does this guy like me, or does he just wanna fuck? I can’t tell if he keeps calling me wanting to see me to get laid or because he likes me .. Have I ruined any chances of him seeing me as “Girlfriend Material” ?

  26. missE Says:

    doesn’t neccessarily affect the outcome of the relationship, but i have to make this point: the stage when two people are still wondering and fantasizing about what it’s like to be with each other is so exciting, so thrilling. once you’ve had sex, you’re won’t ever get back to that particular stage. so i say that it can be fun to hold off on sex – not because doing it on the first date will hurt anything, simply because its adds to the thrill and anticipation of getting to know each other. we all love the chase.

  27. Violet Says:

    i need some opinion from guy
    we don’t really have sex at the first date but we slept together and cuddling
    after a few week,i told him that i like him and we actually have sex that night.
    we had the 2nd time sex after a few day, at that night i am asking what actually he think.
    but the next day he actually told me that he need sometime to figure out how to work between us and should’t have sex anymore. i told him he can just tell me he don’t like me or something cause i really hate guessing game but he said he do like me just need some time to figure out.
    what that means? is that means nothing more between us?

  28. missE Says:

    hate to say it but it might be a case of “he’s just not that into you”

  29. KB Says:

    If you want to have sex on the first date ladies, by all means do it. But the thing is, what do you want out of it.

    As a girl who has dated madly and crazily, let me tell you what I’ve learnt. Go wild, have fun, sleep with boys on the first date because yeah, you only live once and you should enjoy yourself. But be clear about what you are doing. Sex on a first date (usually) = a one night date. Not because he’s not that in to you but because, deep down, men want to work for their girl and they want to attribute value to them. And that’s got a whole lot to do with sex whether we (or they) like to admit it or not.

    Ty (a couple of posts above) put it perfectly:
    Maybe making us wait and put in a little effort actually does make us value the resultant relationship more?

    Whatever. I’m employing the no-sex-on-the-first-few-dates rule.

    I’ll let you know how that works out for me.

  30. KB in NYC Says:

    PS Love this post by the way. So great to get a guy’s perspective.

  31. JB Says:

    I HAVE A PROBLEM!!! I just had my first, first date sex Last night I had an amazing date with this wonderful guy, I mean amazing everything was perfect, I felt such a powerful attraction to him we went to have sushi and really enjoyed ourselves there and then went to a bar afterwards the we went back to his place and things were hot and heavy for about 2 hours then I decided to go fool around in the bedroom, he got up for something so I surprised him being naked when he came back and we obviously had sex, he was very sweet and constantly kissed me while having sex with him. I then slept over and then we woke up this morning and it was nice just laying there talking, then we went to breakfast then we had to go our separate ways. He hasn’t called me, will he? or did I ruin my chances? And when is he going to call since he hasn’t tonight…

  32. Destiny Says:

    Serious sex question….

    I am in love with sex and I have experienced many guys attracted to me . However once i give them sex they fall in love with the physical part and turn me down when I hint about commitment.I try so hard to not give it up because every time i do i get turned down in the long run. My question is men why is it so hard to commit to a beautiful independent woman in which you have great sex with?!!! I will never understand :(

  33. andre Says:

    Sex on a first date is not a precursor to anything.It does not make or break a shot at a relationship.Americans for a long time clung to their religious and moral values.These tended to place woman in roles that they were unhappy in because of the restrictions that kept them from being able to express themselves.physically and emotionally.Along came the sixties and the womans movement along with the sexual revolution.Women began learning how to expressed all those things that “Values” and Morals” had kept repressed.Their fight to become “equals in the work place also exposed them to more opportunty to express those desires.Unfortunatly men are slow learners and we still have difficulty expressing ourselves yet alone understanding the new found freedoms of women.Comunication is still the key to building a relationship.Honesty is the cornerstone,If you just want to get laid then do so but be HONEST.Men suffer emotionally too but we still have a code of REAL MEN DON”T CRY( B.S,) we just don’t express those things well.If you feel comfortable enogh to have sex on a first date then enjoy yourself by all means. Who gave us the right to judge you anyway.

  34. james Says:

    My experience has taught me that women that take a guy home and do him first night are women that do same all the time with different guys.

    It is not the stigma that a woman that does this should be a player, but it is actually the case.

    On a couple occassions, when I was younger, I tried to hold on to that hot sexy girl that had me follow her home panting and cocky on that first date.

    Those women are wild, and I say wild in the sense that these women grew up, or got used to , screwing guy after guy, living like guys themselves.
    So when one particular guy in one of these particular nights, the ” pick of the night ” decides he likes that girl that picked him up that night, this guy will soon find out that the woman in question has no intention of taking any guy as a permanent boyfriend, instead, she is content with eating man after man, she is a “man eater” like the old song said.
    Nothing bad about the girl in reality, women have the right to act like that as men do, all I am saying is that any woman that wants sex on a first night is not worth any serious effort . She could be a friend with benefits, but if you are entertaining the thought of making her your girlfriend, think again, a Raven would not look happy in a cage!

  35. Lo-ND Says:

    I think it depends on where this date begins…
    Did you just meet practically, like a blind date, or you met in a coffee shop? First date sex is not right, you will be a booty call in the future…
    Are you long time friends and seen each other trough good times and bad times with other people and now your giving it a go? First date sex might not be bad, but be aware it will forever change your friendship… Maybe even kill the friendship.
    Are you moving from the just talking stage to dating? Then sex on the first date will probably be great and not judge wrongly…
    If your in a bar, it’s close to closing time, the lady next to you rubs your upper leg and asks if you want a date… This is not a good time to worry about if sex is appropriate on the first date – this is the time to find your keys or call a cab and go home, and thank your lucky stars you watch Miami vice and recognize a cop when you see one… And while you wank on off in your sock you can think of me and say a little thank you my way… – Lo-ND

  36. Katherine Says:

    My fiance and I had sex on our 1st date but I don’t think this is specific enough I mean if you only knew eachother for a week…then no that’s not ok. But, my fiance and I were best friends since 6th grade and did not start dating until we were 21and we’re getting married! So…it all depends.

  37. misspiggy Says:

    Maybe we should be asking what men and women associate with sex on a first date?
    Given some of the responses here and on other forums, some men clearly have a poor opinion of women who will sleep with them on a first date. Let’s exclude them from our thinking for the moment, partly because I can’t see why many women would want to be with a man who judges men and women differently on their sexual behaviour.
    Assuming that there are men who will sleep with a woman on their first date, but won’t judge them negatively simply for that, why does it often end up that the woman is hurt if the sex doesn’t turn into something longer term?
    I’d suggest that many women have already sized up a potential date for long term relationship potential before they agree to going on a date – they’ve thought about the guy’s status, job, personality, interests, looks and so on. For them, a great connection on the date plus great sex is the final piece in the puzzle, and the woman is then keen to start a proper relationship with the man. (Or sometimes the woman might think the man isn’t her ideal, but then the sex is so good that she completely revises her opinion – that’s how I got started with my fiance :-) )

    It also seems to me that many men take longer than women to decide whether they want a long term relationship with a particular person. Also, they’re perhaps less good at sizing up the opposite sex and haven’t yet worked out whether the woman meets their key criteria – they might just think she’s hot and go on the date as a first step to finding out more about her. If sex is available, the man might take it up, even if he’s already decided during the date that the woman isn’t right for him in other ways.
    Or the man might well think, that was a great date, especially the sex, but I’m not sure if I know whether I want to be with this woman long term.
    If the woman is clearly wanting to see the man again (‘cos she’s already done her thinking), this seems to freak some men out. If a man hasn’t been able to judge yet whether a woman’s right for him, he might assume that she also shouldn’t yet know whether he’s right for her – this woman wants a relationship but doesn’t know me well enough to decide – therefore she must be unbalanced or desperate = run away!

    So perhaps the question could be, if sex is the final decider for women about a guy’s suitability, but it’s just an early part of the deciding process for a man, how should sex be managed during dating so that no one ends up upset? Maybe a woman in this situation should have sex if she wants to, but should pretend that she’s not that interested in a LTR? Seems a bit dishonest, but I’m not sure what the other options might be, other than to have a proper adult conversation about it all before leaping into bed – unlikely?

    the guy

  38. james Says:

    The last woman I had sex with on the first date ended in disaster.
    This woman seemed to be focused 99% on sex alone.
    Everytime we had sex, she wanted immediate sex, and was very demanding, while she was nothing extraordinaire at all in her performance.
    It became stressfull, to the point that I felt having sex with her was an obligation, a duty, a performance exam.
    Needless to say, this woman was not loving, caring, she did not know what foreplay is, she did not know how to make love in other ways aside from sex, what a loving couple do.
    This sounds weird perhaps, like a reversal of roles, but it is not. Men need love as much as women need it. We both need sex, but in my case, I am a guy that makes love, I do not have sex. A women that is focused on sex alone feels like a prostitute, and that is what I want to be with nor share my life with.
    A woman that wants sex on the first date is an alarm call in itself. I am sure the exception to the rule is there as usual, but women that jump on the sack that fast are not only physically oriented in the sex department, these woman will change men like they change bras every day.
    Off course, if two persons, guy and gal, are sexually inclined to physical sex, and not particularly interested in a loving relationship, then I guess that would be heaven for both of them.
    It all comes down to which kind of relationship you are looking for, a intimate loving relationship? or a sexual adventure.

  39. james Says:

    My mistake. It reads:
    “” A women that is focused on sex alone feels like a prostitute, and that is what I want to be with nor share my life with.”"

    Should read:
    “” A woman that is focused on sex alone feels like a prostitute, and that is NOT what I want to be with nor share my life with.”"

  40. james Says:

    Miss Piggy:

    I read your posting and I think that part of a problem we have these days in relationships is the assumption of roles like the ones you portray in your post. I think men and women have gotten closer in their demeanor and sexual practices than it was at traditional times.

    Women are acting like men a lot more often than not, and I mean, they pick up guys and change partners often, and have sex without a relationship very often. That is why men , after having seen this, are leery of women that enggage in sex at first dates.
    It is not that a woman, of females are bad, it is the notion that a person ( we men know that having sex on a first date leads to fun more than relationships…not a rule, but the average ).. that engages in sex that fast is not really looking for a significant other.

    You talk about who gets hurt more often, and you assume it is women. I do not agree with that, fact is, many men get hurt big time, difference is, women cry it over and talk it over with friends, men eat it and implode. So the statistics are wrong there, you can not include in those estatistics what is not there to include,not visible, which would be the imploding mind of a hurt man , again, not there for a statistic to take into acount unlike the case of a woman telling the whole universe of hers that a guy dumped her .

    You talk about sex being the ultimate decider in a woman’s mind to take the man in question as partner or not. If that was the case, then sex should happen later on, not on first dates.

    But my point here is that men and women are acting in very similar ways today, neither worse or better than the other. Whereas in the past the roles were clearly demarcated, today the roles are blurred, and by roles I mean the dating scene and the singles world. Woman are acting more like independent and self assured guys, and men are showing more of their hidden expectations and feelings, we are moving closer together, and we both have to adapt.

  41. Jon L. Says:

    A lot of these comments are ridiculous. Ladies, I will tell you the complete truth. Let’s ignore all the religious zealots because I would like to keep this post rooted in reality and logic. I’m also going to ignore a lot of the teenagers and old ladies because the former still has to live with their parents and their parents’ indoctrination, and the latter, well, they’ve been married for years so they in retrospect may want to take back all those hook-ups with guys that didn’t work out for scoreboard purposes, or they grew up in a different world. I’m a 27 year old guy, very well-educated, and live in a very urban area. I go on many dates and will give you the straight dope.

    Sleeping with a guy on the first date does not alter your chances for a relationship at all. I say this having been in a long-term relationship with a girl I slept with on the first date. My best friend recently got married to a fantastic girl, and they have I relationship I’m envious of. They slept together 10 hours after they first met. I’m not necessarily saying it improves your chances (though I think there’s an argument to be had there) but I don’t think it kills them at all.

    Another poster pointed this out, and I think it’s dead on- it’s not that sleeping with a guy on the first date killed the relationship, it’s that girls have slept with a guy on the first date who didn’t want to be in a relationship, and when he didn’t call back they chalk it up to a single bad decision (Sleeping with him killed our future!) rather than the truth, which is that he didn’t want to be in a relationship WITH ME to begin with (which is a statement about oneself, rather than one’s single bad decision).

    If he didn’t want to be in a relationship, well you were both horny so at least you got a fun fling out of it. The relationship part didn’t change. The bottom line is that, unless a guy is one of these religious types that thinks their future life should be virginal (or at least wants to try to pretend she’s some antiquated notion of “pure”), for a normal, modern guy sex on the first date doesn’t harm things and might even help them. Those purity-types tend to be younger (before they understand how the world actually works), so maybe I would modify my advice slightly to say that perhaps it’s better to hold off a little with the younger guys.

    Just to close, remember ladies- if a guy wants to be in a relationship with you, and he has your number, he knows how to reach you. If he doesn’t, well, it may be the “relationship” part and it may be the “you” part. But it isn’t the sex part. By the end of the date part the guy will usually already know if he wants to see you again; what happens for “dessert” is just for fun.

    While I’m here and dishing the straight talk, I’m just going to make a few more points:

    1. If a guy doesn’t call you back after a date, it doesn’t make him a “jerk”. Labeling him a jerk says more about you than about him. You’re reaching for a common defense mechanism by placing the blame on him rather than on you. Guys get rejected a million times at bars and learn early to roll with it. Yet some girls have this unjustified dating philosophy that can be summed-up as “I’m a delicate little flower.”

    2. Do not lie about your weight in an online profile, and do not conceal it in your pictures. This is the quickest way to make sure a guy doesn’t call you back after a date from an online site. And frankly it’s as annoying as what girls must feel like when guys lie about their height. If the guy is attracted to your body style on the date, he was already attracted to it (or at least not turned off by it) online.

    2a. If you’re debating the weight bait and switch, there’s a better solution- Lose Weight. I don’t understand how many girls think it’s acceptable to be over weight. Perhaps harsh, but it’s true (and this site might be one of the few places you actually hear this truth). Being over-weight is for most guys unattractive, and unhealthy. Some of you might be thinking “Oh my god! This is the kind of social pressure that makes so many women insecure about their bodies!” No. I’m tired of hearing this garbage. Firstly, it isn’t “social pressure”- being overweight is _scientifically_ highly correlated with worse health and lower fertility. There have been a few times in the past where a “plump” girl was viewed as more attractive. This was during times when food was scarce and being plump was a good signal that you came from a good family and could actually have enough to eat. That isn’t a problem these days in the developed world.

    Secondly- rejecting a girl who is over-weight _does not_ mean a desire for a girl who is underweight. I don’t know a single guy who is attracted to an anorexic body style and the nastiness of ribs showing. Most guys like normal, fit girls. That doesn’t mean “junk in the trunk” (though I guess some guys like that). But don’t let your body go and then complain about the lack of attention from guys. If you find yourself buying those blouses with the poofy crap on the front to hide your gut, then you’re overweight. By the way, you’re not fooling anymore. No guy I’ve ever talked to has been surprised by what was under the clothes once they came off. The only surprises ever come when the alcohol is wearing off.

    3. Guys really don’t care about your shoes, and especially don’t care about your handbag. I have never, ever heard a straight guy say he didn’t like a girl because “she didn’t have a sense of style.” I have, however, heard guys say “she’s pretty cute, maybe if she did changed her hair and dressed in more revealing clothes she would be HOT.” However, even in those instances everyone knew she was attractive to begin with. In dating, looks are important, as is intelligence, but for a relationship one of the most important things is that you’re adventurous and fun to be around. I’ve had many relationships where I might have been on the edge at first based on everything else, but the girl was so much fun that it pushed me very happily towards starting a relationship. On the other hand, if you’re already obese and stupid, personality isn’t going to help.

    4. Lastly, don’t put sex on a pedestal, and don’t think there’s some sort of quid-pro-quo. It’s just sex. If you have the attitude that a guy owes you something because you two had sex, well, you’re going to be a very high-maintenance wife someday.

  42. latoya Says:

    Im 26, I was dating this guy when I was 17,we dated for awhile during Highschool but after we graduated I never saw him again until now, we went on 3 dates and on the third date we had sex.he still calls me but I dont answer,I just sent him a txt last night telling him I dont want to see him no more and he txted back “not fair” I feel like we rushed and I never had sex that early with someone.I wish I would have waited, now I feel like I dont want to see him no more.should I give us a chance or move on since I dont feel right about what we done?

  43. MJ Says:

    Okay, I met this boy one night at first I didn’t want anything to do with him didn’t find him really good looking or anything. I got to know him on a friday night.. really started to like him. I mean it was like something hit me. I just liked him. Saturday night came around we hung out then went back to his room and everything was perfect then we got in the mood and asked him if we wanted to “do it” and of course I did. The next morning we just looked at each other in our eyes. Then I told him I had to go. We kept on seeing each other and talking.
    I got to know so much about him. He’s had a very rough life. and he tells me he needs someone like me in his life someone that has good influence on him. which is me. and someone that he can talk to and I can help him go back to normal. I pray and hope that he gets better. He’s the man I want to marry. I love him so much. I never really came out and told him. But, he always comes and goes outta my life. It’s just an odd relationship. He just can’t let me go. Yes, we both like the sex. But, I think I should just hold off? Alls I know I’m something good that he needs in his life, it’s very messed up. But, I hope sex didn’t break us apart. It didn’t seem that way! I need some adivse

  44. Ashley Says:

    I know two couples right now together and successfull that slept with each other on the first date so I think to each his own!!!

    Me personally I am entirely too emotional and gulible to have sex with someone on the first date. I have been tricked before by a guy telling me everything that I wanted to hear just to get me in bed. The problem is I always take people for what they say, it never crosses my mind that they are lying in the moment because I am gulible and I can admit that and except that about myself and go forward with that in mind.

    THAT IS THE POINT I THINK EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW THEMSELVES AND WHAT THEY ARE CAPABLE OF BEFORE THEY GET INTO THESE SITUATIONS.

    It is very frustrating because some men see me as a challenge and they keep trying to get me in bed but are unwilling to date me they just want to “break me.”

    I say move on to those guys, I am very stubborn I know what I want and I want a relationship, someone to share my life with.
    Sometimes I doubt and second guess myself (the stupid girl in me comes out) and I think maybe if I weren’t so uptight in the sex area I wouldn’t still be single. And I don’t mean the whole keep him with sex stupidity theory, I just mean that I think some men get the wrong impression of me that I am cold and uptight. Also that there is just no chemistry or passion between me and said guy, the problem with me is that I very often hold back and control myself which I am hearing from most of my friends is not what most people do anymore they just kinda of do what they want to do. I’M JUST VERY DIFFERENT.

    BOTTOM LINE IS WHAT WILL BE WILL BE, that is the thing that I have learned most from life…. if a couple is meant to be together they will be regardless of how they started.

    WHICH IS ANOTHER THING THERE ARE NO RULES TO DATING!!

    There are things you probably shouldn’t do on a first date but if you do those things and the guy or girl is really into you anyway it isn’t going to matter, in fact you both will probably look back on it and laugh in the future.

  45. MS Says:

    If the sex is bad, then yes. If the two people find they have great chemistry, then go home together and the guy blows his load in two seconds or fails to get an erection, they are probably not going to stay together. If a man is bad at sex, he should hold it off until the woman is emotionally attached to him. At that point, if she really does love him, she’ll stay regardless of his inability to perform.

  46. james Says:

    MS.

    I do not think the issue as presented by these women is lack of performance, the issue is having sex too soon, or holding sex for too long.

  47. TS Says:

    Sex on the first date is like everything else in a potential relationship – if the man likes a woman, there’s very little she can do wrong. If he doesn’t feel right about doing the deed so soon, he’ll either stop it from happening or be open to a conversation about it once it’s done. If he dumps her, he wasn’t so into it in the first place.

    At the same time, I’m starting to see the benefit of waiting. Sex is so much more scrumptious when there’s been buildup and tension. And it’s always better not to feel like strangers after!

  48. Liz Says:

    I am a middle-aged woman who has been divorced for many years. Let me tell you a true story that happened about 10 years ago. I was working in a restaurant and would see this Greek man once a week who delivered vegetables in his beat-up van. We were attracted to each other and talked a little bit here and there. He pursued me, but I was dating someone else. When I broke up with the man I was seeing, we went out on our first date. It was fun. He told me “I grew up on a beautiful Greek island and have businesses there. I go back every summer.” I’m thinking, Yeah, right! He kissed me when once during our date, and it was good. En route to taking me back to my car, the next thing I knew, he pulled into a hotel. I was shocked because nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I said “No.” I figured I would never see him again. BUT he called and we went out on our second date. Afterwards on that second date, I was intimate with him (with protection, of course). I had not been with hardly anyone since my divorce, so I was curious about how it would be with someone else, more than anything. We continued to see each other and our feelings grew.

    Can you guess what happened? YES, he did come from a spectacular Greek island and he did have businesses there. YES, he loved me and I him and I spent several summers on this Greek island. Our relationship lasted six years.

    So, the moral of the story? I took a chance and it panned out for me. I never, ever expected it to work out the way it did. In fact, when we talked about it later, we both were only initially looking to have sex and never expected it to develop into what it did. So, you just never know!

  49. xoxo2511 Says:

    Reading through some of these comments have helped answered my question in some ways. Though, I am still mixed and need to get advice from the guys what they think it means to them if sex happens on the first date? I went out with someone I met a few days ago in a club. He is rather sweet and I think our relationship is going to go some where. I think the key is to have trust in your partner and your partner to have trust in you especially, if they care and want to get to know you better am I right or wrong? At first, I thought he was going to be a joker like half the guys I meet a clubs.Some are only interested in having sex that same night and he wasn’t all about that! I can tell because he wasn’t high or anything just really into the moment with each other. We went out on a date a few nights ago and we hit it off pretty well. Little did I know we got to kissing each other and I just felt the passion between us. It had been a while since we both have been in a relationship. I understand sex is an art it means something. I suppose the question here is it okay to have sex on the first date? If the guy likes me enough and wants to peruse something?

  50. Melissa Says:

    I have never had sex with a guy on the first night, but one guy i did and a year later we were married:] now we have a 5 month old daughter. I’m not saying to do that, but it won’t hurt.


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