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Your Call: My GF Almost Had a Fling…Then Tells Me the Guy Looks Like a Pornstar!

Tue, Apr 28, 2009

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

male_underwear_pornstarphoto by macsurak

We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo,

My girlfriend recently told me about this guy she has thought about having sex with. She even let him chase her at one point while we were going out. I totally knew something was up and kept asking her but she kept on denying it. She said there was a party she went to when he was there and she could have easily had sex with him but didn’t want to because, well, she just didn’t want to — not because she was in a relationship or anything! This really got to me, I just feel like she has no respect for me or our relationship. At the time that this was going on, we were having a rough patch and she said that this is why she entertained the idea. But I said we hadn’t split up so it was not cool. We were then watching a porno together a few days ago and then she turns round and says, “Oh that guy looks like the builder” (the guy she thought about sleeping with). I got turned off and annoyed that she brought it up. Am I overreacting?

–Not the Builder

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13 Responses to “Your Call: My GF Almost Had a Fling…Then Tells Me the Guy Looks Like a Pornstar!”

  1. Ly Says:

    If my boyfriend did something like that
    he would be gone.

  2. AlanK Says:

    A little more information here. Is this a woman you intend to marry, one you’re living with, or one you’re dating? From the tone I’d say it’s the third, so treat it like rough sex and deal or don’t. From my–and Jimmy Carter’s–perspective, lusting in your heart is not a mortal sin. (You children do all remember Jimmy Carter? Didn’t think so.)

    BTW: a woman who tells a man that she thought about sex but didn’t have it and then, “while watching a porno,” says that one guy looks like the lust object…sounds a lot like a woman who’s generally feeling taken for granted. Or even being treated like an appliance.

  3. Ryan Says:

    Drama causing, attention seeking, jealousy provoking bullshit. Expect more of the same from her. Behaviors like this follow patterns.

  4. Elizabeth Says:

    She sounds like she is really unhappy with you. Is this rough patch actually over? I think you should definitely let her know that her comments hurt you, but I also think that you should give her the space to tell you what’s going on for her… because she sounds like she is hurting… Honestly, that sounds like a passive aggressive kind of comment – which is not a healthy way to deal with issues, but let’s face it, it’s how women are generally taught to deal with things.

    However, if she refuses to talk about whatever is wrong consistently, while still making similar comments, you’ve gotta walk away… Because it shows that she is unwilling to work through a problem, and that she has no problem punishing you for a problem you don’t even see.

  5. peaches Says:

    now i don’t know anything about your relationship, but it seems that she wants attention ( that you potentially don’t give her) and wants to feel important.

  6. kryrinn Says:

    Just because you’re dating a woman (or married to her, living with her, whatever) does NOT mean you own her. So she had a thought – you’ve NEVER looked at other girls while with her? Everyone looks around – be glad she didn’t sleep with him and move on.

    It sounds to me like you’re very accusatory, and a bit insulted that she doesnt think you’re a Zeusian god… I know there are girls better looking/skinnier/whatever than me, but that doesnt make me mad everytime my boyfriend looks, because I know he loves me and wouldn’t. Have confidence in your relationship.

    Also, if you were my boyfriend in this situation, I’d dump you.

  7. Dannie Says:

    Something else here: you’re bothered that she doesn’t seem to respect the relationship. What about -you-? Respecting you as a person is more important that respecting…what, a contract? An agreement? You’re bothered that she didn’t sleep with him because she didn’t want to. Hello! You know who she DOES want to sleep with? The person she -is- sleeping with: you! She wants you more than him; you are more important to her, and she’s attempting to be honest with you and maybe garner a bit of attention. The whole reason she even has a relationship with you to respect is because she has -you-! I’m not saying she’s totally right, but you’re not blame-free in this. Try to communicate with her a bit better.

  8. Vincent Says:


  9. Jeanelle Says:

    No, I say dump this woman. She sounds like one of those women who enjoys having power over other people. She also sounds like a coward for not being able to say she’s unhappy with the relationship and just getting the hell out. Instead she figures its a better idea to just slowly chip away at the foundations until it falls apart. She probably also hopes that you’ll do the dirty work and she won’t have to take the blame.

  10. Lady Tarrant Says:

    The girl is showing a bit of a lack of sensitivity. I thinks you guys need to have a long discussion about it. Hey, it maybe something as small as she didn’t like the porno and thought that comment was a good way to get you to turn it off. We’re girls, we can do some weird stuff sometimes to get something when we don’t want to have to come right out and ask.
    She also maybe looking for a pat on the back for having soooo much self control *rolling eyes*, and since she didn’t get it before, she jabbing you now.

  11. Sara Stone Says:

    She better make more movies or I’m gonna die. Sara stone is gorgeous.

  12. Michael Says:

    Stop acting like a eunich, grow some balls, and tell the bitch to hit the road. She’s a whore and doesn’t deserve you. I am so sick of pussy-men who let their wife/gf tell them what to do. You are the male! Act like it. You tell HER what to do. Not the other way.

  13. JC Says:

    Yes Michael and while he’s at it he should club her with a T-Rex bone and drag her back to the cave. Don’t be ignorant. Obviously they’re having a communication issue.

    You should bring this up, the fact that her comments and her apathetic stance hurts you. Trying to be psychic isn’t going to resolve anything. Open your mouth and perhaps she’ll do the same as it sounds like something is bothering her and her response is to attack you passive aggressively. If trying to be open doesn’t work then the relationship is probably something you should relinquish. People who hold things inside and react passive aggressively consistently are usually self destructive.

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