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Your Call: Should She Fight for Her Ex?

Tue, Apr 14, 2009

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

no_u_turn_signphoto by briannaorg

We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo,

My boyfriend moved out in January; we had been together almost three years. We were having financial problems, he was out of work, and in my eyes he wasn’t trying hard enough to find a job.  They say hindsight is 20-20, I look back and realize that I pushed a good man away, between my insecurities and my constant bickering and lack of trust. I’ve spent the past few months “working” on myself, just spending time at home going back over my relationship. And now I feel like I’m really ready to be with him again. He on the other hand jumped into a relationship with another woman. I don’t blame him because I physically and emotionally pushed him away. It’s a classic case of a rebound relationsip. I guess my question is how long do I wait to try and win him back? We have a lot of mutual friends who say this and that, but I want an opinion from someone on the outside.

– Second Thoughts


Can’t see the poll? Click here to take it.

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11 Responses to “Your Call: Should She Fight for Her Ex?”

  1. Rolando Says:

    “It’s a classic case of a rebound relationsip [sic].”

    How does she know that?

  2. Jennifer Says:

    It’s entirely possible that he’s happier with new girl because she doesn’t nag him about getting a job. (I speak as someone who got dumped for job-nagging.)

    Really, you can’t go after him while he’s not single, period, but I tend to think you shouldn’t try to go after him again at all. Money fights are ugly and you’ll just end up going through the same thing again, probably.

  3. Bethy Says:

    It might be kosher to be on COMPLETELY platonic contact with him, and let him know you have really been working on yourself during this time. It would not be ok to try and break him and newgirl up. Read “Good in Bed” by Jennifer Weiner. Take up jogging. Get a dog. Continue to improve yourself. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. But you can’t take on tremendous bad karma (being the other woman) to get what you want.

  4. flick Says:

    Yeah i chose “wait till he’s single” because while it’s really possible that you miss him so much, what would happen differently now if the same situation came up [he lost his job/can't find a new one still]? would you still be naggy? or would you stop yourself because you know that while he should get a job, he’s important to you with or without a job?

    if you would still stick to your guns, then it’s probably not gonna be a good relationship attempt on either end, but if you really truly have changed in three months (that’s kind hard) then try. worst he can say is no.

  5. Elizabeth Says:

    Totally wait until he’s single. You pushed him away, by your own admission – and that’s your fault. You should not cause pain to this other girl just because you miss what you gave up. Now, if it’s truly a rebound relationship, that will probably be over fairly quickly… and you won’t have to wait long. And if it turns out that he is truly happy with this girl – well, if you really care about him, you would not try to ruin what makes him happy.

  6. Dee Says:

    I chosed move on with your life. Sounds like you got it together why do need some guy who doesn’t want better himself by having a job in today’s and times before a man is not man unless he’s taking care of home. It’s wonderful to have a man who treats well but bickering about stuff like money and job will eventually ruin things up so best find another and hope you learned something from this one so you don’t repeat it in next relationship. Like my girl Liz say he might be happy in that relationship don’t do to someone else what you wouldn’t want done to you my friend.

  7. kb Says:

    I choose wait until he’s single, though really, I’d say, wait until you’re not single then you are. I got back with my ex after two years last year. and you know what? three months wasn’t enough time to process, wasn’t enough time to mean it if I said I changed. live your life. live with yourself for a while, and seriously-go on dates with other people too. If you really want him back you have time. and I like what someone said above “if the same thing happened, what would be different?” really. what would? if you are going to get back with him, you’d better have a good answer for that.

  8. Max Says:

    I chose “don’t wait a second” because telling him does NOT equate with “home-wrecking”.

    Telling him doesn’t mean you two are going to jump into the sack.

    But what telling him MIGHT do is help him better understand the breakup in the first place, and help mend whatever pain he might still experience as a result of it.

    It’s just communication.

    But you should understand that telling him IS different than trying to win him back.

  9. jim Says:

    If you chase him now it’s just a case of wanting what you can’t have; the worst rap against women in general.

  10. Dave W Says:

    It seems to me that every response in the poll, except for the first, involves moving on. And Max had some good insight into the first response. If you’re not moving on, whatchya doin’? Waiting by the phone? That’s never pretty. Your ex and newgirl could be together for a while. There might be an opportunity to get back together in the future, but heck, maybe you won’t be interested at that point. Or, with him being a good guy, and you being a better person, maybe it could work out.

  11. Jeanelle Says:

    I totally think it’s time to move on and start fresh. I’ve learned that’s it’s very hard and stressful to try to recreate your image with a person who already has a negative impression of you. You may find that you always feel like they’re trying to prove yourself or convince them how different you are when they’ve already made up their mind that you’re a certain way and you’ll always be that way.


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