photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You might want to carry some gum around with you for the next couple days. You’re going to need it to wash the dirty-sneaker taste out of your mouth when you really stick your foot in it this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, plead the fifth when you can and you’ll get the sex. Say the wrong thing and it’s all over but for the crying. Chances are, if you do open your mouth, you’ll say the wrong thing. So like we said, plead the fifth.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Yield for pleasure. Everything’s coming up roses. Everything’s going your way. Hey, is that a bluebird on your shoulder? Your sex life is going to take a turn for the spicy this week, whether that means your long-time love finally agrees to try a third position, that hottie finally returns your call, or you finally figure out the old “sit on my hand” stranger-masturbation trick.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We see gifts of trinkets and art in your future. We see big feather fans and a bowl of grapes. We see someone listening to you without you having to pay them. And frankly, we see lots of orgasms. Of course this is all conditional on whether or not you offer a little kindness and understanding first. But that’s the way karma works, whether you’re a Cancer or not. But you knew that. What you didn’t know is that this week, you shouldn’t let a little distance stand between you and your good karmic fortune.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If, at some point this week, you are debating whether or not to call up your romantic interest, do it, go ahead and call them. The stars say you’ll be surprised by the response you get. Of course, they don’t specify whether that will be a good surprise or a bad surprise. For instance, if you get toasted and decide to make that call at three in the morning, we could be talking about a bad surprise. A very bad surprise.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don’t just ask someone out on a date — that’s so mainstream. Instead, triple-dog-dare them to date you! The more zany you are in your approach, the more successful you’re likely to be. Note: Passing them a handwritten note with check boxes (“Will you be my girlfriend? Yes/No/Not in your wildest dreams”) à la your junior high school crush is endearingly zany; dressing up in a chicken suit and wearing a “please date me” sandwich board is call-the-police zany.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
In the immortal words of Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Relax, don’t do it, when you want to come . . . Was anyone else scarred for life when they first saw that gross video with the two guys in business suits scratching each others’ eyes out? Make love, not war, man.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Remember in Junior High there was that one girl who thought it was really cool to break down and weep at every party? She thought it made her seem complex and cute; just like in all those Molly Ringwald movies. She used to hug her knees and rock back and forth as “Total Eclipse of the Heart” played on a cassette in the background. She thought the guys would all want to swoop in and take her to a happier place. Yeah, well, it still doesn’t work — not for her, and definitely not for you.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Did you get a new haircut? A new outfit? Have you been working out? Gone vegetarian? Finally discovered the simple joys of a finger up your bum during onanism? Whatever it is, it’s given you a glow this week that cannot be ignored. Like mosquitoes to bright neon zappers, hotties will flock to you just to get burned.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You may be attracted to someone who is already attached to someone else. Tell-tale signs include: Late-night phone calls that end “I miss you, too, honey-buns”; luvvers who refuse to tell you their last name, home phone number or place of work; and wedding rings (remember: third finger on the left hand).

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Follow your brain, not your genitals.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If life was like reality TV, you’d be in the lead. Fortunately, it’s not, and your speed seduction act is scaring away the hotties. Slow down and stop with all the cheering and high-fiving, okay? Nobody’s watching. Nobody cares.