photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t dip your pen in the company inkwell. Don’t put it in the orifices of any of your coworkers either.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you want fast times with fast ladies (or fast gentlemen), you’ve got to keep up. You can’t be taking snack breaks every five minutes.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
What, you think you’re in Cirque de Soleil or something? Your juggling skills may be pretty good, but sooner or later one or more of those hearts is going to hit the floor. And those stains are a bitch to get out.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you’re looking for emotional and financial security, you’ll find it this week. But be careful what you wish for. That security may come at the expense of your freedom. Sure, you may have the means to fly off to Aruba at a moment’s notice, but nobody good to share it with.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We know that you “can’t fight this feeling anymore” but would you stop singing that damn song already? You may feel like you’re on top of the world, nothing’s gonna stop you now, walking on sunshine, yadda yadda yadda — but if you channel all that lurve energy directly at the object of your affection, you’re really gonna freak them out, man. Sure, they like you, but not that much — yet. Give them a little breathing room or else they never will, you crazy stalking wackjob.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will be ready to fall in love this week. But when is one not ready to fall in love? When one has just recently been dumped? When one has just recently done some dumping? When one is having financial troubles? When one is having a bad hair day? . . . We highly doubt it. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen — whether you’ve finally got your life together or you’ve hit rock bottom. So maybe what the stars are trying to say is that this is a good week to be on the look out for love. You know, so you don’t trip over it.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your horoscope couldn’t be better. It’s so good, in fact, that we don’t know how to add our cynical spin to it so we’ll just post it in all it’s cheesy glory. Better take advantage while it lasts: “You will be in a high cycle where love is concerned. Your witty charm will win the hearts of everyone you encounter. It’s your turn to pick and choose.” Ahhhyeahrightchoooo!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
A rolling stone gathers no moss. Then again, a rolling stone is a pain in the ass to hang around with. You want to watch a movie, they just want to roll down a hill; you want to go to dinner, they just want to roll down a hill; you want to spoon, they just want to roll down a hill. Moss is nice. Moss is soft and green. Moss is comfy to nap on in the woods.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you’re the kind of person who holds the stare with a stranger longer, crosses a crowded room to initiate a conversation with said stranger, asks for a first date first, steals the first kiss, calls within two hours of leaving their apartment in the morning, sends flowers that afternoon, invites them to a family vacation the next day . . . well, then, just stop it! The thrill of the chase — ever heard of it? How about, Playing hard to get? No? Look: Calm, cool and collected are the ingredients for your booty recipe this week. Sit back, get laid back, get laid.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This is a great week to party.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Nerds are hot. Not nerds like in Revenge of the Nerds, of course. But true nerds: The ones who get caught up in a great book and choose to forgo the night out at the bar just to finish it; the ones who take continuing education classes just to keep learning; the ones who occasionally quote from Bartlett’s; the ones who are so smart they can come up with the most clever wise-ass comebacks on command (though they’re too timid to actually speak them out loud); the ones who watch Jeopardy. Be prepared to meet a nerd this week who will massage your brain in places you’ve never had stimulated before, aw yeah.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
I can’t hear you! Na na na na na na! I’m not listening! . . . Get used to it: You’re going to be hearing that a lot this week.