I love my husband very much, and I’m attracted to him, but I cannot even get myself tempted enough to want it most of the time. I recently had a child and found out that I’m due to have my second one at the end of the month. I’d blame the pregnancy on my sex drive but this has always beenthe case for me.

Sorry this wasn’t much advise on what to do, but it does let you know you aren’t alone.

I would like to send out my endless love and gratitude to this website. My therapist put me on to it and in one night of surfing through the advice pages I already feel 100 times better and already feel like I may actually beat this thing and manage to regain my sanity.

The “expert” said some things which raised my hackles, probably based on HER experiences, but not taking into account every woman’s. Her stuff will be in quotes (can’t use italics, damn it.)

“Most women don’t use sex as a way of recharging” Speak for yourself. A LOT of us do. I have TONS more energy, emotional and physical, after a good fuck, and I sometimes USE sex to get that energy. LOTS of people do. It’s a win win situation.

“Women need to understand that they’re not usually going to feel like they’re about to explode in the groin like their male counterparts” AGAIN speak for yourself, a LOT of us DO feel this way. We have an entire page on Em&Lo dedicated to what to call female equivalent of Blue Balls, for heaven’s sake! MANY of us feel like this, if we can’t what we want, or can’t orgasm (for whatever reason) or our timing is off with our partners.

“you’re just too tired to get down there. “With email and texts and P.D.A.s, we’re always in demand and on tap.” You have to MAKE IT a priority. If that means canceling a meeting, putting the freaking electronics in an other room and turning them OFF, turning down some social events, or putting the kids to bed early, letting them visit gramma for the evening (or morning) or just getting a good 2 or 3 hour DVD and being lazy parents and let them eat popcorn and cereal out of the box, mess up the house and watch the DVD downstairs, with the White Noise machine on upstairs so you and he can just GET TO IT, just Do It! You wouldn’t not eat meals, because you’re “in demand and tired.” You make the time. Sex is just as, if not more important.

“We used to have lots of long chats about our sex life,” says Maggie…“… make it part of our daily conversation, like, You know, we haven’t had sex in about a month..” My jaw nearly dropped to the floor. A MONTH? And they’ve only been married “a few years?” We didn’t go more than a week after I had our kids….never gone near a MONTH without it since I had my cherry popped, decades ago. Some things may be “normal” in some people’s lives, but I can’t wrap MY head around them. I can’t imagine My Man even considering going a MONTH without sex, EVER! Not to mention in a relatively new relationship, no babies in the house, living together (meaning NOT being separated geographically.) Even when I was in college and we were separated by many miles, we either made a point to get together or took advantage of our Open Relationship status.

A Month? I am NOT judging anybody, but, damn Don’t you FIGHT? Isn’t the tension unbearable? Sex is a fantastic Defuser. Men and women are different, in the way they think and the way they do things. It causes tension. My Man drives me CRAZY and I know I drive him crazy, at least part of our sex frequency (not all) is due to just DEFUSING the tension of living with and loving someone who seems to be from an other planet in the way they think and act. I honestly think there’d be a dead body (either of us, or maybe both) lying around if we had to go a MONTH without sex….Your mileage may vary, and probably does.

One thing I did agree with “in fact, almost every woman we interviewed who claimed to “suffer” from a low libido said that when her partner initiates and she just goes along for the ride, she typically ends up having a good time: “I often have sex when I’m not in the mood,” says Amy.. “But it’s with the full knowledge that the mood will kick in — and it usually does.” YES. A key strategy when the libido wanes, like when you have a new baby, or…um whatever reason people have. Doing it often sparks the libido. (And I don’t think the work “suffer” should have been put in parentheses. It IS suffering, or no one would be complaining.)

Also, she should have added that the MORE you have sex, the MORE sex you want. Having sex frequently kicks your libido into hyperdrive, especially if you make love often. You start those testosterones, and oxytocins, and endorphins sparking and flowing, they only continue and make you WANT to keep them continuing to flow.

I am not judging this poor woman with the low libido, but let’s not say “this is normal and OK.” (and we didn’t get a sense of HOW disparate their sex drives are. Is he wanting it every day, and she wants it once every 2 months? That’s an issue. If he wants it every day, and she’s only into it every other day, the situation is certainly more workable.

AND, yes, a low libido OFTEN IS a signal something IS WRONG. (Mentally, physically, with the relationship. Somehow.) If it is interfering with your relationship, if his “requests” are irritating you to the point where you are starting fights before bed, so he won’t ask, if the idea of sex is making you physically ILL, if you are LYING to get out of sex, (“Oh, I have a yeast infection.” and you don’t.) if you’ve hidden the porn and put the Child Code Lock on the Cable and the Internet so HE can’t even look and “get horny” if you are intentionally not taking care of yourself so you don’t “look sexy” to him (that won’t usually work, btw) it’s time to get professional help. (I know women who do these things regularly, and they ain’t right. Nor are they honest. Nor healthy. And I hate to say it, but chicks who do stuff like this often end up alone. Sorry, it’s true.)

Don’t want to judge. (But, I probably am.) But, this “expert” seems to think that a low libido is not only OK, but expected. I think we can expect better from women, in our more enlightened age. No, not everyone is going to have, or even want sex once or twice a day. But, in relationships (or even if not in a relationship) REGULAR sex is a given for health. If there is a disparate stretch between how often each wants sex, don’t tell me there aren’t going to be problems, often ones which not only get worse with time, but which can destroy the relationship.

Your mileage may vary, and probably does.

I find it revolting. I hate baby talk, the child-like behavior Japanese dudes seem to find so charming… Along with ethics and legality, that’s why I don’t date twelve year olds.

I like grown women.

Like MmeL said, the only time I’m ok with baby talk is when it’s being used to zing someone.