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Dept of Corrections: That Blows!

Fri, May 1, 2009

Toys

blowguardThe Blowguard

We recently received a promo email in our inbox with the subject line “Critics Love the Blowguard!” The Blowguard is a “revolutionary” new product “designed by a dentist!” that’s supposed to assist you in giving the best blowjob ever. It’s basically a silicone mouth guard with a little chamber where you can stick a miniature, vibrating bullet. We read the email with interest, because when our intern Kristine deGuzman reviewed the product for us last year, she found it seriously lacking. Huh, we thought. Maybe we dismissed this “revolutionary” product too quickly.

But as we scrolled through the email, we discovered that one of those critics who was apparently so full of love for the Blowguard was our very own Kristine! “I couldn’t contain my excitement,” she is quoted as saying. “Time to blow my boyfriend’s, er, mind…”

Well, she did say that…before she opened the freakin’ package! After a couple of valiant attempts, she concluded that “it didn‚Äôt fit in my mouth well, it was definitely more of a joke than a turn-on, and it was more distracting than pleasurable for my boyfriend. The Blowguard is popular with the senior crowd (namely, those concerned with keeping their dentures in), and maybe it should stay that way.”

Those Blowguard bastards!

We know we’re kinda giving them more free publicity here than they deserve, so we’d like to suggest, if you value truth in advertising at all, that you boycott the Blowguard.

For the record, here is Kristine’s complete, unexpurgated review of this gimmick, as it originally appeared on the now defunct DailyBedpost.com. And kids, remember: Don’t believe everything you read about sex toys (unless you read it here):

I’ll admit, when I first checked my mailbox and saw that little brown envelope, I couldn’t contain my excitement. I carefully ripped it open and pulled out my new sex toy: The Blowguard. It’s basically a silicon mouth guard with a little chamber where you can stick a miniature, vibrating bullet. Time to blow my boyfriend’s, er, mind….
The first thing I noticed about the Blowguard, other than its smooth, fleshy texture, was the fact that this “one size fits all” toy looked like it was going to be too big for my mouth. Sure enough, it fit awkwardly on my upper teeth and wouldn’t stay put without some effort. And it took up so much room, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to fit anything else in there (read: my boyfriend’s penis).

Also, the small hole where you’re supposed to stick the bullet was much smaller than the ultra-miniature bullet that comes with the Blowguard. But with patience and some force, I finally got the little sucker to fit. Definitely not a toy you can use on the fly without some preparation.

Once my boyfriend got out of class, I welcomed him into my apartment and immediately took off his pants. I had him close his eyes before inserting the Blowguard, partially because I wanted it to be a surprise, but mostly because I didn’t want him to laugh at how ridiculous I looked (like some weird cross between a porn star and a hockey player).

I went at it for a short while, before I turned on the bullet. Eventually, though, he just got tired of it and said, “Eh, could you just use your mouth?” Apparently he didn’t like that his penis was sharing my mouth with another foreign object. His biggest complaint was that it diminished the wet feeling of more traditional fellatio. Minus two points for the Blowguard.

The next day as I was perusing the Blowguard’s website, I ended up stumbling on the information that you’re supposed to wear it on your lower teeth. It didn’t specify that anywhere on the packaging or paper inserts! So I called up my boyfriend and told him he had to subject himself to yet another bj in the name of science. Poor thing.

This time I put it on properly and added the small sample of cherry-flavored lube that came with the Blowguard to combat the dryness. He liked it a little better. But again he eventually just got tired of it and asked me to use my mouth instead. So, either I give really amazing blowjobs (I like this option) or the Blowguard is just a waste of time and money.

My main complaints: it didn’t fit in my mouth well, it was definitely more of a joke than a turn-on, and it was more distracting than pleasurable for my boyfriend. Apparently the Blowguard is popular with the senior crowd (namely, those concerned with keeping their dentures in), and maybe it should stay that way.

Our contributor Kristine deGuzman is a junior at UC Berkeley

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One Response to “Dept of Corrections: That Blows!”

  1. Bethany Says:

    Hello. Great job. This is a great story. Thanks!


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