photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Make a master plan and go after that hottie like you mean it: Figure out your goals, pick a winning strategy, and write down action points on Post-Its. Just be sure not to reveal your cunning plan until the fourth date. And perhaps avoid describing it as a “master plan” until date nine or ten. As for the Post-Its, let’s just make those our own little secret, shall we?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You will have a magnetic allure this week. Just be sure not to hang out next to your credit cards in case that magneticism rubs off.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You will not be alone… That’s pretty heavy stuff coming from the stars. Too bad you don’t know if that means you have met a true kindred spirit and companion, if you’ll find a warm body to curl up next to one night in a futile effort to slough off the cold realities of everyday life, or if you’ve just got a peeping tom.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Working out? Check balancing? Toe-nail trimming? Pshaw, we say. It’s summer! Relax with a tall cold one at your favorite nightspot. Apparently you’re emanating that special something this week, and it’s thus an awfully good time to find a mate. In fact, it would be a crime against nature to waste all that pheromone activity on something as dull as personal hygiene or finances. (Don’t you just love it when we tell the angel on your other shoulder to take a well-deserved week off?)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
The stars tell us you’ll be able to talk your way into anyone’s heart. They say nothing of talking your way into someone’s pants. But considering you’re a fine candidate for “love, marriage, security and stability,” that shouldn’t be too difficult for you. Don’t let your good intentions get in the way when the belts start unbuckling.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The forecast is not looking good for you this week: just whirlwinds that won’t go anywhere and won’t last. Be a rainy-day friend and save all the fun date stuff for later, when the sun comes out, and you’ll have a better chance of meeting a hot meterologist.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Someone’s going to attempt to pull the wool over your eyes in an attempt to get you naked. Hey, ignorance is bliss!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’re gonna fuck it up this week.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will be a big talker but when it comes to pinning you down about love issues, you are not likely to be forthcoming. You will play a great game of cat and mouse leaving anyone interested in you wondering. The stars don’t say whether this is good or bad. But if you ask us, it blows.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Hey you? Yeah you, the lackadaisical loner over in the corner nursing a drink and an unhealthy case of self pity: Get up and make your move before your social skills (not to mention your ass) get all flabby from lack of use.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You will sing karaoke this week and make at least one audience member fall in love with you. Then, you will do a shot with your adoring fan. If all goes according to the stars, you will be making out in the back of a cab before sun-up or before the drinks wear off, whichever comes first. Then you will go home. Then you will go to sleep. (We’re just guessing about this whole sleeping thing.)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Attending work-related events (or perhaps just the social security office, if you?re currently “between jobs”) could lead to an interesting connection this week. If you’re finally grown-up enough to wear your heart on your sleeve and show everyone how wise and together you are, it could be an especially interesting connection. If, however, you’re still hung up on how “uncool” it is to be wise and together, then we’re guessing that your workplace connection will be more of the drunken Xeroxed-genitals variety.