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10 Things a Grown Woman Should Never Have

Fri, Jun 5, 2009

Advice

robert_doisneau_39411Poster of Robert Doisneau’s “Le baiser de l’hĂ´tel de ville” via Art.com

The Men’s Health article “18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Have” made us think we should have dated more Men’s Health readers back in our single days. (“10. A name for his penis. Even if it’s a really clever name. … 13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, ‘Take me on your futon.’ … 14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.”) It also got us thinking about the sort of things a grown woman should never have

  1. A stuffed animal on her bed. We’re not saying you have to donate that mangey bear to the Goodwill store — just store him as discreetly as you would your vibrator. No sex partner wants to share your bed with a blankie. Speaking of vibrators…
  2. A sex toy that contains phthalates or one labeled “for novelty use only.” Woman-up and buy yourself a sex toy that was actually designed with your pleasure in mind.
  3. Pants low enough that her thong peeks out the top. Or, as we like to refer to it, a “plot spoiler.”
  4. A list of all the people she’s slept with. Share your sexual history, yes. But naming names? People, no good can come of this.
  5. A poster of Doisneau’s “The Kiss by the Hotel de Ville” on her wall.

READ THE OF THIS TOP TEN LIST on SUNfiltered to find out why masturbation hang-ups, sex with your superior, and vaginas named “fufu” are not appropriate for a grown woman. (Oh, and this post is our entry in the “Most Trafficked Post” contest for June, so you’d be doing us a huge favor by clicking through, too.)

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17 Responses to “10 Things a Grown Woman Should Never Have”

  1. Elizabeth Says:

    Um… Just because I’m curious… what’s wrong with that particular poster?? Isn’t it… artsy?

  2. Isis Uptown Says:

    “Ladies, in the entire history of casual sex, exactly one booty call has been upgraded to a full-fledged relationship.”

    That would be mine! He’s my husband now. I didn’t know we were famous!

  3. emandlo Says:

    Elizabeth: Arty but ubiquitous in poster form, at least on the walls of not-quite-grown women… kind of like Klimt and Monet.

  4. AlanK Says:

    On the other hand, if it’s a REAL Klimt….

    As it happens, even a Klimt reproduction is just fine for a bedroom. Just find the right one. Klimt slept with most (all?) of his models and you can feel the eroticism rolling off some of the paintings. Try “Leda,” or “Judith I,” or “Lady with Fan,” or “Water Serpents II.”
    Here’s a link: http://www.gustavklimtcollection.com/pages/main.html

  5. Vio Says:

    I agree that Klimt and that particular Doisneau are ubiquitous but they are still beautiful. Plus, what if you saw the real pictures before you noticed the poor mass production copies that are everywhere here in the States? I know that what happened with me- I fell in love with Klimt when I saw most of his originals in Vienna. The original “Leda” is magnificent. Thanks AlanK for standing up for Klimt! Maybe EmandLo should go see the originals?

  6. emandlo Says:

    Fine, fine, we agree that *some* people have real, original reasons for loving Doisneau or Klimt — if you fell in love with Klimt in Vienna, then you get a free pass! And for the record, we’re not knocking Klimt or Doisneau’s art. We think both are beautiful — and we’re all for art that can be appreciated by the masses (we took Oprah’s side in the Oprah vs Jonathan Franzen affair).

  7. Raavynn Says:

    Make that TWO for booty-call to real relationship status.

    My husband and I started out as a one-nighter (or at least that’s what we both expected) over five years ago, and we’re still going strong!

  8. Elizabeth Says:

    So, it’s okay if it’s not a poster? I don’t have anything like this on my walls… I just know other women my age who have that poster, or similar ones, on their walls.

  9. emandlo Says:

    Ha, this reminds us of that movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” where every woman gets hung up on all the stories that are the exception to the rule, and they were supposed to tell themselves that they’re the rule, not the exception. Except, of course, it’s a Hollywood movie, so all the characters got to be exceptions, not the rule. But, hey, we love to hear about exceptional marriages that grew out of booty calls! And we love to hear about Hollywood endings in real life. We just hate to see a woman hang around and wait for something that’s never going to happen…. which, let’s be honest, happens way more often than the two exceptions above.

  10. kim Says:

    I can attest to that… all ways the booty call, never the …… Do not get me wrong I love the booty calls but that is all that they are. I can’t imagine many turning into marriage at least none that I have had so far. We will see what the next one brings..Hmmmm

  11. Isis Uptown Says:

    When I got engaged, a young coworker asked me how we got together. I told her that we had been friends for many years, and that he’d been my booty call. She said “So those can work out?” I told her, “I wouldn’t bet money on it.”

    I guess the “friends for many years” part (as in, my adult son doesn’t remember ever NOT knowing my husband) is a big part of our success.

  12. kb Says:

    I never understand this idea that women all want their booty calls to be boyfriends. I mean, okay, I only have one right now but honestly-the reason he’s a booty call is because he’d make a TERRIBLE boyfriend.

  13. Nelson %9 Says:

    great stuff.. beautiful …

  14. Dawn Says:

    I always enjoy lists like this, though I typically disagree with many of the bullet points. I mean, who are we trying to please here? Ourselves, or some possible hook-up? My list of The One Thing Every Woman Should have contains this point: Every woman should have a sense of who she is. If she’s a woman who likes kissy posters on the wall, that’s who she is. Why be ashamed of it? If your potential lover can’t get wood because of your teddy bear, he’s got an issue and should probably seek medical advice. My favorite vibrator cost less than $20 and all I know is that it gets the job done.

    Be free, ladies. Be you.

  15. Madamoiselle L Says:

    I LOVE it!!!!! My favorite is “A babytalk term for her vagina/vulva. If your crotch welcomes a penis/dildo/tongue on a regular basis, then it is officially no longer a “fufu.”” Or a “Va-jay-jay” a “who who” or anything referred to as “Down There” or (Angels help us) “A binki.” (Which is what my mother refers to it as. The first time I saw the pacifier called “A binki” I almost put Pepsi through my nose.)

    They are ALL good.

    I want to add a few (what did you expect?)

    11) Stencils to make patterns in her public hair when she shaves it.

    OOOOPS I have to go. More later…….

  16. Madamoiselle L Says:

    12) A collection of Precious Moments figures.

    13) A Precious Moments Figure of two children dressed up as a bride and groom on her wedding cake. (A wedding is a Adult Rite of Passage. When one attempts to reduce two adults, engaging in an ADULT agreement to “cute” children, it is an omen of BAD things to come later, and often signifies a FEAR of adult responsibilities which accompany an adult agreement such as marriage. Also, this tends to go with girls who spend 2 years obsessing and planning for EVERY detail of a wedding and not once think of the marriage, and it’s responsibilities which it precedes. The ones who come home from the Honey Moon and go, “OMG, what do I do now?”) AND…..

    13) More than 2 or 3 bridesmaids, if any at all. The length and quality of a marriage is inversely proportionate to the number of bridesmaids and the complexity and cost of their dresses. Marriage ain’t the pageantry or the attention, it’s the LOVE, commitment and DAMN hard work. When one forgets that in favor of ATTENTION from others, everyone eventually suffers….

    14) “Flavored” douches or flavored lubricant. These are for teenagers, amateurs, and mostly child/women and man/boys who are AFRAID of pussy and the way a clean healthy pussy is SUPPOSED to smell and taste. Not to mention the horrible yeast and bacterial infections such flavored crap cause.

  17. Madamoiselle L Says:

    15) A MySpace account.

    Bwahahahaha!!!!


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