photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
There’s a fine line between love and obsession, between adoration and stalking, between sensitivity and paranoia. Make sure you don’t cross those lines this week, lest you end up with a warrant for your arrest, a first class ticket to Schizotown or–and we hope it doesn’t come to this–no date on a Saturday night.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Do the Wonder Twins stand around discussing what they’re going to do and how they’re feeling about each and every situation? No. They pick a form and they commit to it. They act. This week, let your Wonder Twin powers activate!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Everyone knows about Mr./Ms. Right vs. Mr./Ms. Right Now. The trouble is, you’ve been so concerned with tracking down Mr./Ms. Right that you’re in danger of settling down, not so happily ever after, with Mr./Ms. So Wrong. Get out there and find yourself a little “right now,” if you catch our drift. It should eliminate some of your, ahem, “personal frustration.”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We’re all made of the same stuff. Atomic particles are passing by and through us all the time, from decades ago. This week, some of the particles that once made up Madonna have found their way to your clump of anatomy. Ride the wave . . . like a virgin!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We’re all for taking chances when it comes to love. But that’s because we’re too optimistic, naive and nearsighted to imagine all the heartbreaking disappointments that risk-taking can lead to. So this week, we went out and got prescription glasses, and here’s what we see in your future: you, walking on the tightrope of love between the Empire State and the Chrysler, with no net, in a wind storm, at night. Take a few steps back to the stable platform and don’t proceed until you’ve got better insurance.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
[This horoscope goes out to all the single Virgos out there. Sorry, committed Virgos, but the singletons need our special attention this week.] So you’re single, eh? Welcome to the club. Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable; you could be here for a while. And would you stop whining? It’s not such a bad place to be. Okay, now you’re really starting to annoy us. You’ve been here, what, five minutes? Go out for a run or join a gym or something–it’ll clear your head.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week the stars and planets said, “Don’t get involved with someone for the wrong reasons.” Duh. Like there’s ever a good time to get involved with someone for the wrong reasons. We’re giving the stars the benefit of the doubt and assuming they meant to suggest that this week you’re particularly prone to getting involved with someone for the wrong reasons, whatever those wrong reasons may be (clinical depression, financial gain, sexual desperation). But hey, acknowledging the problem is half the battle.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Love will unfold in the strangest ways this week. Kind of like origami.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, shut up and put out. ‘Nuff said.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This is not the best week for you and relationships. Apparently you are likely to be extremely sensitive and overreact to emotional situations. So, uh, hey, did you know that The Hangover opened this week? We hear it’s a real funny flick, maybe you should go see it a couple of times. Alone.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
When Simon and Garfunkel sang, “Slip out the back, Jack,” they weren’t talking about anal sex. We don’t have to tell you that there are at least fifty ways to leave your lover: what you might need reminding of is why you should consider making a new plan, Stan. Everyone needs to lean on their loved one every now and again, but your partner has been subsidizing you for too long. Whether that subsidy is financial or emotional we can’t say (the stars were a little unclear on that point) but we do think it might be time to pull a Paul Simon and go solo.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Beware of avalanches of compliments, promises in the dark, sucker kisses, flowers, chocolates, offers you can’t refuse, indecent proposals and roofies in your G&Ts. Oh yeah, and beware of The Dwarf.