Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve never been a girl who has difficulty reaching an orgasm. I started masturbating in college and learned pretty quickly what I like and what I do. Now when I’m with a guy, I find that I get off — really quickly and really hard. With my most recent hook-up, we were fully clothed and I came screaming hard. I’ve read so much about girls not being able to get off and I’m worried that something might be wrong with me. And I’m also really worried that guys will think that I’m faking. What should I do?
– Getting Worried About Getting Off
Dear GWAGO,
Now, we try to take every question we get seriously. But come on, this is a joke, right? You can’t possibly be serious!
Okay, okay, we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and trust for the moment that you’re really concerned about this. Our advice: don’t be! You have a gift — freaking enjoy it!
Yes, plenty of women have trouble reaching orgasm, especially with a partner — whether because they’re young, they don’t masturbate, their partner isn’t providing the right stimulation, they’re not communicating to their partner what the right kind of stimulation is, they have body image issues, they’re stressed or depressed, they’ve experienced sexual trauma in the past, or their plumbing is a little different. For some women — in fact, the majority of women — it can be extra difficult during intercourse since the old in-out often doesn’t provide the kind of clitoral attention they need to reach their happy place. But there are many lucky, lucky women who can reach orgasm fairly effortlessly. This is a good thing.
Now, if you were having spontaneous orgasms every hour — in the middle of an office meeting, during sad movies, while talking to your parents on the phone (there have been cases) — then that could be a problem. But you’re simply orgasming easily when you want to — during masturbation and hookups with guys you like. Again, what’s the problem here?
We think most guys will love your enthusiastic reaction to being with them. If you really fear they’ll start thinking you’re too good to be true, simply reassure them that you’re not faking (unlike some naughty girls): you just happen to know what you want and your body always cooperates wholeheartedly while your mind doesn’t let any hangups get in the way. To be nice, you could also add that you’re just so turned on by the guy in question, he makes it easy! We’re guessing 99.999% of the time they’ll take your word for it.
Now stop your fretting and go with the flow before you give yourself a hangup!
Em & Lo
July 16th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Based on personal experience I think there are a couple of crucial questions to ask here.
First: does she enjoy it? An acquaintance has, like, zero problem having orgasms (think “driving over bumpy pavement.”) But thanks to sexual abuse as a child and young adult (where “easy” but also involuntarily induced orgasms deepened her sense of of humiliation and powerlessness) she doesn’t look forward to them. The point being they’re really nice when you want them, and even nicer if you *wish* you had them. But not so great when you want to feel more in control of your body.
Second: can she easily have more? Most men, even teenagers, have some kind of refractory period (the “roll over and fall asleep” phase of arousal.) But “two words, ‘multiple orgasms’” not withstanding, a lot of women lose their edge… and often their interest… for minutes, hours, or even (yikes!) days after coming. And so, again from personal experience, such “premature” orgasms can be as awkward, and evening-shortening, not to mention partner-frustrating as premature ejaculation can be for men.
That said, unless one of those two situations applies your advice to GWAGO is spot on. Just because some people have a hard time coming doesn’t mean anybody *should.* (Similarly, just because some men come very easily it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong for men who don’t come easily.) And, again based on personal experience there are a couple of clothes-on make-out techniques that are reliably more orgasmic than during clothes-off sex. (“Dry humping” against a partner’s thigh or erection while making out can be easily orgasmic for women who masturbate by rubbing against objects. In situation #2, above, it can be dangerously easy!)
figleaf
July 17th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
what the hell is this girl complaining about. i wish i could get off whenever i wanted to. geez.
July 17th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I totally understand. Most women I know tell me how difficult it is to get off, which makes me sometimes feel my hormones must be ridiculously high compared to the average gal. Seriously, though, I don’t need to masturbate to have an orgasm. All I need to do is *think* about sex and voila, I’m there. O_O I rarely masturbate but when I do my orgasms are so intense that i have to stop.
On several occasions I’ve woken up to an orgasm. I kinda feel embarrassed because I lubricate very easy too, which ain’t real cool when I’m sitting in class, trying to focus on a lecture. One time someone commented loudly that “it smelled like sex,” not knowing where the smell was coming from. >_> But yeah, it can be… embarrassing.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
I have no problem orgasming either, if I let my mind wander I can usually just squeeze my theighs together on a bumpy road – but that’s the key, you need to have the right frame of mind – If I was pissed off on that same bumpy road I would not have one… learn to be your own sexual boss and controll it – no guy has ever doubted if I came for real, lol, I also get wet and juicy… people over think sex – just enjoy it…
July 19th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I get some people will wonder why complain about this but I see why you might wonder if you are ‘normal’ – first cause we get told so often how difficult women find it to come and also I think there is still a bit of stigma re ‘loose’ women – that there is still a bit of suspicion around women who enjoy sex and cum as much as a bloke does. For me, I orgasm quickly and lots partly because I have a rather sexy husband who knows what I like but also partly because I just seem to be able to reach that spot easy. Even when I just started out masturbating as a teen I came quickly and several times – and much to my husbands annoyance get lots of wet dreeams too. Most of the time this is great but sometimes I wish I could slow it down a bit and draw it out – I almost feel like a bloke must if he is a bit hair trigger! And when talking with pals their reactions are not ‘good for you!’ but ‘oh my god – really? Are you sure’? Yes, I am sure, particularly when I have soaked hubby in ejaculate. So lots of lovely and easy to get orgasms is amazing – but it can make you wonder if you are a ‘normal’ woman!
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:59 pm
I’m a lesbian and I orgasm quite quickly too. At first I thought that maybe I was missing something and that there might be a feeling BEYOND what I was getting from both masturbation and sex with my partner (then sense and reasoning made me realise that I actually couldn’t even TAKE any more!).
I agree with what some of the others say about the mental control thing. I find that slightly taking your mind out of that state of arousal can slow things down. But I don’t find that possible when I’m with my partner and, therefore, I orgasm a lot quicker than I hoped! Sometimes I wish I could orgasm later so that I get prolonged build-up of intensity, but my partner can adjust well to the fact I can be a little ‘quick’ and will sometimes carry me onto a second or third orgasm in one session (which can feel a little too intense, but most of the time is GREAT!)
I think the main thing is (like always) to communicate with whoever you’re sharing the moment. If any problems arise one night, have a discussion afterwards or the next day and try to figure out what you’ll both do about it BEFORE you get into the heat of the moment again.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:38 am
I agree with what some of the others say about the mental control thing. I find that slightly taking your mind out of that state of arousal can slow things down
July 30th, 2009 at 2:17 am
i cant have orgasm when a drink beer why
October 28th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
To Jess and Lorri:
U R both worth UR weight in gold!!!!!!!!!!!
Literally.
I’ll work 3 jobs to have either of you as a girlfriend & commute to wherever you are regularly.
Seriously, ur both the exception not the rule- contact me…skandel_es@excite.com