Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a guy and I hate getting blowjobs. Maybe it’s because I had a few too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences or I’m just a little too sensitive down there, but when a girl starts kissing me all the way down, I grit my teeth and prepare for the worst. It’s finally to the point where I simply flat-out tell the woman whose head is drifting that way to save the energy for other things. The only problem is, now I’m in a committed relationship and my girlfriend feels like it’s her fault I don’t like it, which is entirely untrue. She says she feels guilty when I go down on her and she can’t get me off in return. I’ve been very clear about it but occasionally she will try to surprise me with a “gift” BJ, and I don’t have the heart to tell her no, even though it usually ends up leaving my johnson useless and uncomfortable without any of the pleasure I’m sure other guys get from it. How can I keep her from going down on me? And please don’t tell me to count my blessings because every guy would love it. I’m a guy and I do not.
– Sam I Am
Dear Sam I Am,
Wow. Consider us speechless. We hate to make generalizations when it comes to sex, but if we were forced at gun-point to make just one generalization about sex, it would probably be that every guy enjoys receiving oral sex. And we’re pretty sure that our Wise Guys would have our back there.
But then here you are, and you do not like them, Sam I Am. Not in the dark! Not in a tree! Not in a car! You let me be!
Sorry, we’ll stop now. We’re sure that a useless, uncomfortable johnson is no laughing matter to you. It’s just that, as Julia Roberts once said, very few people surprise us. [Editor's note: Em inserted that Pretty Woman reference; Lo takes zero responsibility for it.]
As far as our advice goes, we’re afraid it’s pretty simple: You’ve got to be blunt and tell your girlfriend, Dr. Seuss-like, that you don’t like BJs ever. Anywhere. On any occasion. You’ve got to be even more clear than you’ve already been. Keep repeating, over and over, that (a) you’re extremely sensitive and it actually hurts, and (b) this has always been the case for years and years. Reassure your girlfriend that the lack of oral in your life doesn’t bother you at all, and that you don’t feel like you’re missing out. Oh yeah, and make sure she knows that you actually like going down on her — it’s no duty, and you don’t feel like you need to be “repaid” for all your hard work down there.
That said, perhaps you can think of a different nice thing she can do for you in bed, for those times when she really wants to treat you. We understand how the lack of oral sex reciprocity might bother her — bless her, she’s obviously internalized the golden rule of sex! But explain that there are other things she could do that would make you much happier and more turned on. Like, for example…well, that’s your department. Perhaps it’s a back massage or a light spank on the bum or a nipple tweak or just a certain position you really dig. Basically, you need to let her know what sort of “gift” you’d enjoy.
Your only other option is to take advantage of this opportunity of being in a committed relationship and make double-extra-sure, via experimentation, that you really don’t like any blowjobs. If it really is a matter of too many bad teeth-to-johnson experiences, then perhaps you can coach your girlfriend toward a BJ that works for you. After all, one of the upsides of a committed relationship is that you have plenty of time to practice and communicate your needs. Perhaps you could tell your girlfriend that you’re super-super-sensitive and have never enjoyed oral in the past, but if she’s willing to try a few different techniques, you’d be willing to lie back and be her lab rat. (And yes, we realize that 99.9% of the male population is currently laughing out loud at how preposterous this scenario sounds.) Tell her to steer clear of the extra-sensitive head, and to start with soft kisses and gentle licks around the outside, not even attempting to put your sensitive specimen in her mouth yet. Take small steps together and maybe you’ll start to enjoy them a little more. We say this simply because, from what we hear, BJs are a pretty fantastic experience for most men, and it’d be a shame if a few bad experiences in the past caused you to miss out on them for the rest of your life.
But, then again, no pressure. There’s no rule that says you have to like blowjobs. Plenty of women could care less about receiving cunnilingus, though they seem to have an easier time skipping it — perhaps because their partners aren’t quite as giving as your girlfriend. And, of course, plenty of women don’t like giving blowjobs (and would probably line up to date you should things not work out between you and your current GF). So while we’ll resist telling you to count your blessings because your girlfriend wants to give you a BJ, we will tell you to count your blessings because you have an awesome partner who wants to please you in bed. Now it’s up to you to let her know how she can do it. And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed.
Seussily yours,
Em & Lo
July 8th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
It really isn’t so weird- my guy hates them too. Always has. He would much rather go to town on me and save his stimulation for intercourse.
July 8th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
How do you feel about hand jobs? Could those be substituted in instead?
You have my sympathy, I don’t give a crap if a guy goes down on me or not because tongue doesn’t get me off.
July 8th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Agree with Tilly. Really isn’t weird at all…
My guy doesn’t care for them either –> not to the same extent as portrayed here but they definitely are not his favorite, to say the least.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:07 am
It took me a long time to learn to enjoy them too.
was a long time before i had a partner who knew what she was doing.
and another long time to learn how to allow myself to receive that kind of attention.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:48 am
Well i love it and have loved it since the beginning its the most intense kind of attention you can get
July 9th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Although I’m not in the same boat, I could see it… There have been times I’ve gotten extra uncomfortably sensitive down there and needed to quit the stimulation for a minute. If BJ’s made me feel like that I wouldn’t want them either.
July 9th, 2009 at 11:26 am
nick sounds like my bf : )
July 9th, 2009 at 11:41 am
I could have written this letter, with the exception that I know why I don’t care for oral attention. There have been a few instances where the technique was superlative, but, even so, it’s something I can readily do without.
July 9th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
I remember a coworker who, even though she knew better intellectually, couldn’t get over the uncomfortable idea that her partner (another coworker) would smother if he went down on her. Even though he made it very clear he loved doing it and wanted to do it to her. Even though other women coworkers told her how much they wished their partners were as enthusiastic as he was. Her discomfort whenever she let him try just made it impossible for her to relax enough to find out whether she’d actually enjoy it enough.
Sounds like the same thing with Sam. And because, as with cunnilingus for for women, fellatio doesn’t work for all men, I don’t see why he should be pushed to let his partner keep trying. I *really* don’t think she should keep trying to sneak one on him!
Which is a good rule of thumb anyway. Consider the more familiar case of anal penetration. Past a certain point it doesn’t matter how much one’s partner enjoys doing it to you nor does it matter how much the partner’s previous partners enjoyed it he or she did it. If you’re not into it it’s generally agreed that one’s partner shouldn’t push you for it. And they *sure* shouldn’t try and slip something into you hoping you’ll change your mind! Same with fellatio or anything else that squicks you, even if it doesn’t squick anyone else.
Based on comments so far I’d say it’s probably still ok to generalize that men like fellatio, but no one should be surprised, let alone shocked, to find numerous exceptions.
figleaf
July 9th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Slartibart, just curious (seeing as this letter surprised us so much): Why don’t *you* care for them?
July 9th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I’m on the opposite side of this….my husband loves them but I can’t give them too often. My dentist tells me that I have big tonsils which causes a very sensitive gag reflex. Long story short, I only have about 3 gags and it’s all over…..maybe I should write in for advice about that…
July 9th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
My bf loves the oral attention, but he’s never been able to get off with a bj (from me or anyone else). It’s hard not to take it personally, but it’s just the way God made him….
July 9th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
To be blunt most women don’t know how to give a BJ. They watched “Deep Throat” and think that is the way is is done.
First of all, teeth hurt! There are such things as ‘dental dams’ which prevent such damage.
Speaking for myself the best I ever had consisted of a hand job accompanied by a nice suction on the head only. If the lady has an objection to swallowing the semen (which is harmless) she can have a towel handy to spit it into.
I suspect Sam never knew a particular redhead that I knew many years ago!
July 9th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Emandlo-
Since you ask, it comes down to something that Figleaf, as usual, puts so adroitly and which a few others have touched on as well. I completely accept, intellectually, the notion that there are women who are comfortable with and even enjoy fellatio. However, I don’t *believe* it for an instant. When the activity heads south, I get real uncomfortable. Too uncomfortable to actually enjoy the experience. Put succinctly, it feels exploitative to me. It might be my egalitarian streak, but I don’t really like having done to me that which I wouldn’t do and (just between us) performing fellatio has no allure for me whatsoever. It’s entirely possible that I’d feel differently about receiving cunnilingus but that’s an experiment that’s unlikely to take place in the near future. I’m the last person to claim that this is in any way a rational position and I fully appreciate that we’re talking about apples and kumquats here. Welcome to my world.
July 10th, 2009 at 1:32 am
Wow. I am so glad I read this article! The first time my new bf and I got frisky, I was about to perform a bj on him, and he stopped me after 3 seconds. (he had just gone down on me, so I wasn’t all broken-hearted when he stopped me) I was confused, but he simply said he didn’t want it. So, I’ve just assumed that I would give him a bj when he was in the mood for one. I can tell you, it was a surprising and enjoyable moment to not have to feel obligated to return the favor. I will definitely bring this anti-bj issue up before we get frisky again. aka: within the next 24 hours.
Viva anti-bj!!!
July 10th, 2009 at 3:03 am
Funny that I should read this today. Just had a conversation with a new boyfriend about giving and receiving head (he’s not into either). I am surprised that Em and Lo are so surprised by this letter because he is not the first guy I have been with who didn’t love getting head. I wonder if it is more common with non-Western guys, as BJs are really fetishized in American/Western media. I think that a lot of men and women have internalized that.
That being said I really enjoy giving head and so its s disappointment to me that he doesn’t like it, though not the end of the world. What might be the end of the world is that he doesnt want to go down on me. It is something that I enjoy a lot and I have a hard time coming or even getting wet without oral stimulation. What do you guys think, would you consider this a dealbreaker? Is it unfair of me to want to ask him for it?
July 10th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Well ladies if any of you are from Columbus, OH and feel bad about your bf not wanting a bj…give me a call….I love both giving and receiving oral pleasures.
July 10th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Slartibart: Thanks for the reply. Consider us enlightened!
July 12th, 2009 at 2:01 am
This is so strange that this was published right now! I think my boyfriend likes handjobs more than blow jobs. I’ve tried different things but he always seems to want a handjob more than anything else. It goes against everything I’d ever heard so I’ve been wondering if it’s me so I’ve tried all kinds of different things. But maybe he’s not alone and maybe it’s not me, either. I just don’t know. I don’t think he’s against them, per se, he just seems a lot more into the hand jobs.
July 12th, 2009 at 10:19 am
I am an intermediate case. I don’t dislike it, I just almost never can climax from it, which can leave your partner feeling bummed. I guess I am good at conveying this however, because it never really seems to be a problem. It all started when I was young, and honestly I didn’t realize I was slightly above average, and my partner would gag. Bigtime negative. My youth was during a time when aids was just discovered, so then the social climate changed, and it became a serious no no to ejaculate, so it feels good, but what ever you do, don’t ejaculate. About that time I had a partner that would bring a paper towel to bed. So now we got …. it feels good, the towels waiting and you know right at the climax he is going to come out of the warmth, into the cold air and … the towels waiting… come on, the towels waiting. That was it for me, get rid of the towel, get rid of the whole thing. Fast track years later, I put the final nail in that coffin, I got pierced down there, read tooth clacker. That is like chasity for bjs. game over.
Moral of this story? Some things just don’t work, anal is generally not an option and bjs won’t have a happy ending. Its OK and certainly not her fault, there are so many other fun things to do!
July 12th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Kaybie, it’s not unfair to ask for for oral. It’s not that out-there a request, and if he’s really uncomfortable with it he can say no. Which, if he does, you should dump him for. There are guys out there you’ll have a better sex life with.
July 12th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Bam Bam-
I’m not quite arrogant enough to presume that I know your BF’s mind on this question, but personal experience tells me it’s totally possible that he prefers manual to oral. It may be a testament to your phenomenal dexterity and not because you’re orally challenged. In the first place, I’ve heard rumors that handjobs can be of a highly stimulating nature. In the second place (and speaking just for myself), they aren’t as emotionally freighted as BJs which is what usually prevents me from really getting into fellatio.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Guys, just to let a few of you know, i only had oral sex once at the age of 18, it happend so fast i didn’t enjoy it. i’m now 54 and married to a wonderful woman that has given me some of the best sex any man could ever ask for [especially oral]. Here’s the bummer…due to certain health factors, along with me smoking most of my life, i am now suffering from ED and can only perform while on Cialis. Another bummer… i have lost most of my senitivity and cannot get off at all during oral,and i have to work real hard also to get off having intercourse. And Ladies don’t feel too bad about your guys being too sensitive, i only wish that was my only problem to deal with. I just wanted to share this with most of you,and i hope that most of you can find solutions to help with your issues.
July 18th, 2009 at 3:41 am
Well, right now I would be telling your gf to count her blessings… my bf loves oral sex and for me hate doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings toward it. I feel like it is something I must do for him since he does so much for me, but truthfully it is the worst thing i’ve experienced.
July 18th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Honestly I agree with the original post. I am twenty four years old, and I DO NOT enjoy oral sex, at all. The combination of teeth-dragging experiences and inexperienced girls has left me with no desire to engage in oral sex, ever. If they feel the need, I’m not going to tell them to stop, but honestly I have never reached a climax through oral sex.
July 18th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I heard Dr. Drew say on Lovelines once that 25% of men couldn’t get off from oral sex. I’m one of those guys. I came once from a bj, about 10 years ago. Since then I pretty much just tell the girl to save her energy. This idea that you have about all men loving bj’s is nonsense; a western stereotype, basically.
July 18th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
This one is a difficult one. I love going downtown on my girl, and the few times I had GF that did not like me to go there, I was miserable.
If your GF is one of those girls that do not like giving head, then you are fine, but if she is the other kind, you are in trouble.
July 18th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
I think that my boyfriend enjoys oral sex a little too much – it usually makes him climax too quickly. He and I would rather spend our time pleasing each other as much as possible, so if fellatio is involved, it’s usually at the very end of our sex session.
July 31st, 2009 at 3:33 am
I’m a guy who also detests oral sex. I have a lot of issues about it but I can’t have everyone listen to me about it cuz’ they do it. I wish people wouldn’t. I can’t stand it, not even looking at people do it, like in porn. I wouldn’t compare it to love but the actions are the same cuz’ its sex. I’m a virgin still and do want sex but I’d rather stick to regular clean sex cuz’ I feel it shameful to degrade a girl into bad hygenic risking and gross habit. A lot would disagree with me, that also means I’m athiest and a lot would disagree my beliefs too if I ranted about that. So if you think you’re alone, I’m that too cuz’ I think I’m alone as well. There’s only very few men who are athiests and i hope few who also feel the way I do about oral sex. To my views, oral sex is unecessary and can just cause diseases altogether. If you like it clean, I’d stick to straight sex. If you want other additional fun techniques that are less degrading, the best I can accept is foreplay and handjobs.
I don’t want to argue about my views btw, plz.
November 4th, 2009 at 5:33 am
Ok, so a general consensus here is if your BF doesn’t like BJs, stick to handjobs. What if they don’t like either!? I’m currently dating a guy who has been giving me the best head I’ve ever received…to the point where I actually squirt. I’ve never squirted before in my life! And he loves it, like, licks every last drop… It’s amazing, I’ve hit the oral jackpot, but I feel as if I can’t return the favor in any way, shape or form. When I give him head or a handjob, he goes limp. He says that it feels pleasing and all, but he just can’t relax when someone’s down there. And in addition to being a downer that I can’t please my partner, I actually enjoy giving head, so now I can’t satisfy my own cravings! How am I supposed get what I want and pleasure my man? =(
Btw, as for the “teeth or always a no-no” thing, my first boyfriend (and first guy I ever went down on) actually requested “more teeth.” Confused the shit out of me then, confuses me now when I look back. And how do I keep finding these kinds of guys?
November 4th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
OK – I’ve been married 4 times, divorced three, and none of my wives have ever allowed me to cum in their mouths, tho all of them have gone down on me as foreplay.
I almost broke up one of my marriages for a woman who DID let me cum in her mouth, because for me oral sex is the most exciting, invigorating, endorphin-producing activity I’ve ever engaged in. And while I’ve been with numerous women who didn’t like me to cum in their mouths, I’ve been with very few – like almost none – who wouldn’t go down on me at all.
And I go down on them all the time – I’ve never met a woman, well OK once, who didn’t like receiving oral sex, and I love doing it almost more than intercourse. Almost.
I don’t quite understand the big deal about this, either way. Given a reasonable level of personal hygiene, there’s no reason NOT to perform or receive oral sex. And if you have a problem with receiving it, it almost certainly stems from some kind of trauma or misunderstanding from your pre-sexual days.
Or so I say, anyway. I’m 56 years old, and I still do sex like I did when I was 26. If you’re a lady who wants oral sex and isn’t getting it, drop me a line. I’d love to help you out. I live in north-central Kentucky.
February 19th, 2010 at 12:31 am
im a guy and i hate receiving blow jobs. cant stand watching them in porn either, i just hate them. reason? i think its disrespectful to the lady, that and i was slightly raped at hammer point by an 8 year old when i was about 7, threatened me with a claw hammer told me to put it in my mouth basically. always hated them for that reason, the fear still reminds me and then the shame with it.
February 19th, 2010 at 10:23 am
While I can certainly understand the trauma of being abused as a child, (it’s horrible, but it can be overcome so one can enjoy sex in all forms. I KNOW this.) I really had no idea so many men didn’t like blow jobs. I am a bit flabbergasted. (I have not met one, that I know of.) Is this all due to some type of trauma, either childhood abuse or being bitten once too many times?
Has the OP tried receiving fellatio while wearing a condom? Maybe one of the condoms with the “man-delay” desensitization cremes in them? This would really cut down the sensitivity of your penis, and you might (probably would) realize that without the pain, blow jobs are wonderful.
Slart, you said: “I completely accept, intellectually, the notion that there are women who are comfortable with and even enjoy fellatio. However, I don’t *believe* it for an instant” END QUOTE
Honey, BELIEVE IT! A lot of us ladies LOVE to give head. (Myself and other women can actually orgasm while performing this, it’s THAT good for many of us.) It’s one of my favorite activities. Not even just in bed, sometimes I’ll surprise My Man while he’s in the garage or the basement or anywhere and just go at it. His favorite is a nice leisurely blow job in our jacuzzi tub. (I think that is his favorite place. He’ll take it anywhere.) I don’t feel it’s “degrading” at all if the person doing it enjoys it, gets off on it, and is reciprocated.
IMO, it’s a form of love and affection and appreciation and it’s FUN! Nothing makes me happier than seeing My Man get so pleasured he can’t even speak. And, this (along with a lot of other stuff) does that to him. I probably can’t change your mind, but many women DO love to do this to men. Don’t worry about being “a pig” if you want a BJ. Lots of kind, caring, egalitarian men do enjoy them, and their women do, too.
Somebody tell “Jonathan” than any “diseases” one can get from oral sex, one can also get from intercourse.
One more thing, someone mentioned a Dental Dam. These are for performing cunnilingus. They are a flat sheet of latex or other material for placing over the vulva while a woman receives oral sex. They simply cannot be used for fellatio. But, a simple condom can, to cut down on sensation. If one prefers that.