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Dear Em & Lo: I’m Put Out About His Porn

Wed, Jul 1, 2009

Advice, Dear Em & Lo

porn_dharmaphoto by Andres Moreno

There’s been a bit of a debate going on in the Confessions section about whether porn is good for you or bad for you. We also got two questions recently from ladies disturbed by their partners’ porn consumption. So we “remixed” our Wise Guys’ thoughts on the topic with some of our own to come up with advice after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo, I just learned my amazing college boyfriend uses porn to masturbate, at least twice a week. Understand, we’re not talking an unhealthy dependency on porn, and he remains very focused on me when we have sex. He says it’s just an old habit from high school. I consider myself very tolerant, and I am aware that most guys indulge in this kind of thing. However, I can’t understand why he needs the help of a girl he’s never met to satisfy himself. I realize there is high quality porn available that helps empower women, but that’s not the sort he described to me as his preference. I just can’t understand the appeal of what he’s watching. To a degree, I almost feel cheated on. I’m not ridiculous, and wouldn’t demand an ultimatum or anything silly like that. I just don’t understand.

Dear Em & Lo, My wonderful husband and I have a full and varied sex life, yet my husband insists on watching porn. I generally like porn for us to watch together. What he does however is watch porn during the day when I am not home. I have asked him several times to not do this and he either says he will stop or is non-committal. Now what he does is watch it anyway but deletes it from the history in the computer. My question is, am I wrong to ask this of him? Do I need to just get over this issue even though it really bothers me?
Dear Porn Patrol,

Let’s take your relationship with shoes (or women’s magazines, or whatever): imagine if your partner said he was viscerally opposed to it, thinks it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and suggested that it might be a deal breaker. Or imagine if he asked you to give up masturbation*, because he should be enough for you. You’d be bummed, because you know those things don’t impact the love you have for your guy. You might, out of generosity and kindness, give them up, but then you might become bitter and resentful for being forced to change.

We understand how porn makes you feel uncomfortable and unloved and disrespected — we’ve been there — but really, from his perspective, it has nothing to do with you; you’re not in any competition with it; it’s a normal and almost unavoidable part of being a guy. (It’s also a normal part of being a woman, for some.) And honestly, you’ll have a hard time finding a man who doesn’t like porn; it’s hard enough to find one who doesn’t like sports!

This is not to say that all porn is harmless. We think that the prevalence of porn can be blamed for a lot of the misconceptions young people (and plenty of adults) have today about sex and safety and what constitutes sex and what works for women and what it means to treat people with decency and respect. Which is why it’s so important not only for decent, realistic sex education to be readily and widely available, but for people — especially women — to support the production of quality porn (because porn ain’t going away).

Of course, you can’t dictate people’s sexual fantasies or tell them what they can and can’t watch, like some uptight Big Brother bitch. Well, you can, if you’re their partner, but it probably won’t go over so well. Which is why it’s better to tell them how you feel. Compromises can be made on both sides so everyone’s more at ease. Maybe you try to find something that turns you on, that you find acceptable so you can see where he’s coming from, as it were — maybe so you could even enjoy it together. And you can certainly encourage him to stay away from the more disturbing stuff, like, say, Brazilian fart porn — there is plenty of good, old-fashioned, healthy and responsible boot-knocking going on out there by consenting adults who aren’t on drugs. But if he’s watching porn instead of having sex with you, or his porn consumption is getting in the way of school or work or social outings or daily living, then you’re in your rights to demand he seek professional help.

Assuming it’s not an unhealthy porn addiction, and you can’t find a way to get into it yourself, but you’re not willing to walk away from the relationship, then make sure he keeps it a private thing (and if he’s doing this already, consider it him being polite!). Don’t talk about it and definitely don’t watch it, and ask that he hide all signs of it.  In this case, ignorance can be bliss.

Em & Lo

*Masturbation is something you should continue to do whether you’re in a relationship or not, married or not — it’s good for you to have some quality alone time!

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40 Responses to “Dear Em & Lo: I’m Put Out About His Porn”

  1. Erin Says:

    I just can’t imagine telling my boyfriend to stop watching porn, in fact I watch more porn than he does. I can’t imagine the holier-than-thou uptight person who is telling their partner it’s wrong to watch or use as an aid in masturbation. I don’t understand the problem unless you are very insecure and in that case perhaps you should re-evaluate your relationship with this person because they are not going to change. It’s a very controlling thing to ask of someone, while I may understand it’s like if your partner made you dinner every night and before dinner you ate a pre-dinner then came home and ate the second meal. If the person found out they might be upset that you filled up on a meal and then ate the meal they slaved away to make just for you, so you can’t say I don’t understand. Saying that they can’t see why people would get off to it because they don’t know the person is plain stupid. It’s called voyeurism and it’s the same when you gain pain and pleasure from watching a regular movie as well as someone who is getting sexual pleasure from watching porn, it’s a turn on, just because the person is masturbating does not mean they are automatically thinking of the people in the porn doing it to them. It’s arousing to the person watching on many levels and personally I think thats fine as long as they still continue to have sex with their partner and do not expect their partner to start doing hard core porn moves with them.

  2. David Says:

    I watch and masturbate to porn, because after several years of marriage my wife has become boring as hell in the bedroom. After trying everything that I can think of and have read about to spice things up and nothing works, I am left with two choice…porn or cheating. I’ve chosen porn to this point. However, after serveral years of not receiving any oral (yes, I give) and only having missionary and on the VERY rare occasion her on top; I can’t say for sure if the option to get wild and crazy presented itself I wouldn’t take it.

  3. Tiff Says:

    Erin,

    I don’t have a problem with your opinion but you probably could have gotten your point across without calling people with the other view “holier-than-thou” and “stupid”.

    People are raised differently with different values and different environments. Just because you’re comfortable with on thing in your relationship doesn’t mean it’s good, right, or better than what another is comfortable with.

    Clearly those asking the question see that there is another side to the equation and are looking to understand it. Calling them names isn’t going to help them value your opinion.

    Maybe you should re-evaluate how you talk to people with different opinions than your own.

  4. Siri Says:

    I am, indeed, one of those people who asked the question. I’m the college student. Thanks for the answer, by the way, Em and Lo.

    My boyfriend and I pretty much ended up resolving it like you recommended: I’m not really into porn (and yes, I have tried), but he is, and while he respects my views and probably would change if I were truly a “holier-than-thou” type person and demanded it, I haven’t asked him to and I never would. I don’t aspire to that degree of control, and while I don’t understand his porn habit, I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have to. It’s his personal time, and it’s not like we have to share every part of our lives with each other.

    Erin, I’d like to clear up my objection to you. I don’t think that porn is “bad” and I am “better” than the bf because I don’t watch it. I believe in a full and healthy expression of your sexuality (thus, I read this website and don’t remotely qualify as uptight) and believe in personal liberty as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.

    But I value sex as the highest expression of love between two people. No, I didn’t save it for marriage, I saved it for someone I was in love with, the kind of love that changes your life and makes you see rainbows in all the puddles on the sidewalk…you know. And no, I don’t judge those who like their casual flings, that’s just not right for me. And my bf is the same way. We both waited for each other. (Everyone together now: “Awwww…”)

    My discovery a few months later that my bf watched porn on a regular basis was somewhat of a shock: call me naive, but also hear me out. I didn’t know he looked at other girls’ bodies on a regular basis, I didn’t know that he had watched sex thousands of times before engaging in the “first time” with me…it was just an abrupt realization that he had a totally different relationship to sex than I did. For me, it was the highest possible connection, something terrifying and kind of sacred, something I took a year to work up to. For him, (on some level) it was something he watched strangers do all the time to get off. See the inconsistency?

    I had no problem imagining how he could get off watching people he didn’t know: the concept of voyeurism is familiar to me. It’s just that, personally, I can’t separate the physical pleasure of sex from the emotional connection, and when I want sex, I want it with him. Earth to me: boys are different. Yes, I know.

    So what you read was the freak-out reaction of a very smitten, very naive girl who has since learned that you can view sex from more than one angle. Just because he needs porn to satisfy him physically doesn’t mean that my role in his life is diminished. I get it. I promise.

  5. Erin Says:

    I am sorry I offended and upset some people, but as I went on later in my “rant” I drew a parallel between that and another situation to show that I do understand and while I may have been a bit harsh it’s just who I am I’m sorry if I upset you. I think you may have thought I was a bit of a slut to have to write about you waiting for your boyfriend to find love and sex, I did too. I had no idea that porn actually scared you, I’m sorry.

  6. emandlo Says:

    Siri, Thanks for that thoughtful and eloquent response. We wish we had been that wise at your age!
    Em & Lo

  7. kb Says:

    I don’t really understand why the lack of respect for women in porn is supposed to be okay because “it has nothing to do with you” no, I’m not competing with women in porn,or at least, not in any healthy relationship. but that means I can’t object to videos based around calling women nasty names? really? my problem with “college sluts get raped up the ass” has nothing to do with my boyfriend seeing other women naked, or jealousy. I know you say not all porn is good. how do you have the discussion about respecting women without making it “only porn that I like”?

  8. DS Says:

    kb, part of the reason porn objectifies women is that men themselves wish to be objectified. We’d love it if women stared at our bodies the way we do theirs. So while you may not like to watch “sluts who take it up the ass”, men would love to star in a film called “guys with big johnsons working it.”

    I’m not interested in being liked for who I am when I’m in fantasyland.

  9. Johnny Says:

    What porn has done for the sexual landscape is absolutely awesome. The idea that porn doesn’t depict “real” sex acts was true a few years ago, but not anymore.

    In the last few years almost all the women I’ve gotten sexually involved with were super-kinky as a result of porn’s ubiquity. The sex I have IS the sex you see in porn – the very nastiest. And girls LOVE it. Hell, most of the time it’s their idea.

    Object all you want. Women who object to porn are in direct sexua competition not with the actresses, but with the real-life women who love acting out the nasty things they see in porn.

  10. Dennyman Says:

    I do not care for porn, simply because I do not want to see what I can,t have. I want to talk,feel,exprience a person. That is what is important to me.

  11. kb Says:

    DS-do you not see the difference between taking it up the ass as a title and working it as a title? really? that difference right there is the whole issue with a lot of porn.

  12. kb Says:

    also Johnny-no, I’m not in competition with these hypothetical women who love doing things that I wouldn’t(that gets a little weird because I love doing some things from porn, won’t do others). but if you really like something I don’t enough to insist on it, why the heck would I want to be sleeping with you? It just sounds like no fun sex. I’m only in competition with women who want the same thing I do. To give an example to show what I mean- If you like shaved genitals enough to insist on them, and I don’t want to shave, then I don’t want you. I can find someone else. so I’m not in competition with women who like to shave. Different market.

  13. Elizabeth Says:

    That’s a really good point kb. And honestly, just because a girl is okay with some moves that are common in pornography doesn’t mean that she is okay with pornography itself… All sexual ideas don’t actually have to come from watching another couple do it on your laptop. Some of us are more creative than that.

  14. trouble Says:

    Hi – I think kb has a good point. For me, my objections about porn are nothing to do with me thinking I am in competition or that I am ‘not enough for my man’ – it is always interesting that a discussion about a man’s use of porn usually involves talk about how that reflects on the womans ‘worth’ or view of herself instead of what it says about the person using the porn. I am not in competition because I am not a porn actress trying to get work. My objection is about what porn says about women to women, to people who use porn and wider society – and therefore what it says about the men who watch it. Porn is not a private affair. What I do with my body with another consenting adult is. Porn sets out a view of women and sex that the majority of the time undermines women, their sexuality and their worth in the eyes of society and the men who watch it. That’s not to say there are not porn movies and companies out there that make porn where the women are treated well as employees and the films themselves do not perpetuate misogynistic views of women – but they are rare. I am cool with erotica and films where sex is about an equal partnership and where both characters are treated with respect can be really powerful and sexy – I am not against all forms of sexual film. And I also understand that for many porn is about fantasy – you might never get that threesome in real life but you can watch it in a film – kind of like how I will never pull Johnny Depp but can watch him in Public Enemy. But then while fantasy by definition is likely to be unrealistic I am still not cool with fantasies about causing a woman to gag through oral, waxed genitals that make the person look like a 12 year old and that pleading no is basically saying ‘yes, I want it – whatever that may be’. I would question whether I want to be with someone who thinks that is ok to even fantasise about that. So, while I think relationships are about compromise, and I would never ask my partner to not do something just because I said so, I think comparing a persons shoe buying habit (using their own hard earned cash and if it isn’t impacting on their families financial well-being) to porn which objectifies and teaches a vision of sexuality that is not generally speaking about mutual sexual enjoyment, is simplifying a complex and serious issue. Porn may have enabled people to be more sexually free in some ways – on the other hand it has created a culture where playboy logos are on pencil cases for primary school kids, the size of your breasts is more important than you as a person, and decisions about what you do sexually are more about what your significant other has seen in a film called ‘two cocks one ass’ than about what would make you both feel good and comfortable in your own skin.

  15. Anondesigirl Says:

    Siri, you wrote my feelings exactly, which i wasn’t able to express myself. I am in the same situation. I too felt very hurt when i found my bf’s stash of porn. First it did scare me a lot….seeing a girl with a distended anus and knowing that my bf watched it and was probably turned on at the time really scared me–is that what he wanted from me? if yes, i couldn’t provide it, and if no, i felt guilty about disappointing him.

    Even if i was the most beautiful girl in the world, with the hottest body, i feel like having a bf watching porn regularly conditions him to seek more hardcore type of stuff everytime, increasing dissatisfaction with even the most adventurous type of girl. After all he can get any type of scenario on demand, and then delete the images with a single click.

    another thing is that if the last 10,000 girls he has seen are tan scrawny girls with huge silicone implants–it is impossible for me to believe it doesn’t have an effect on his psyche and expectations.

    once in a while to get new ideas or get rid of some pent-up frustration? i think that’s fine. like a cigarette. but on a regular basis, tolerance builds up so i don’t agree with it.

  16. anondesigirl Says:

    correction:
    i meant if no (he didn’t want me to do that stuff), then why was he watching it?

  17. jd Says:

    Interesting comments. For me not even 10,000 porno pages compares to two minutes of my lovers touch. But there are always low periods of sexual activity with my partner and I need masturbation. Unlike my lover, porno gets old. It makes me think of how we relate to the hero or heroine in a movie — frequently quite differently than our outlook on how we live our own lives — but we usually wouldn’t act out our lives like James Bond for example.

    So there is a difference in watching porno. My partner would never want to get kinky. But I can safely fantasize about it when watching porno. I think the differences is that I don’t love and deeply care for the woman in porn. So I can have desire for kinky there in my vicarious voyeurism, but have no desire for it with my lover because I know it repulses her.

  18. WTF2 Says:

    Seriously what is wrong with you people? Porn is wrong. YES I SAID IT. The reason that there are men who get bored with their wife is because of porn. The reason men look at other women with lust and cheat is because they have been hammered by the porn industry to believe women are sexual objects and not people.

    You have a right to dislike it and every woman who feels it is wrong is RIGHT. There are men who don’t engage in this you just have to find them. It seems harmless but it isn’t Don’t listen to this woman she has no idea what she is talking about. Porn Is selfish and sick perverted habit.

  19. Person Says:

    I have an interesting solution, intrinsically to my person, to this issue: I have a foot fetish, so for me pornography is simply images or videos of girls’ feet. That’s all I need to jerk off.

    Ironically I also happen to be somewhat of a prude myself when it comes to sex, not porn — mostly due to the brainwashing of my parents, something that I’m now trying to overcome, and the fact that I couldn’t imagine myself having sex with someone I wasn’t emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially attracted to more than anyone in the world. But with my porn, there’s no objectification of women — I find absolutely no sexual stimulation in watching a mediocre-looking girl and some random man having sex and I think that it’s useless. Also, since I’ve spent the majority of my life single, I’ve gotten used to wanking to these pictures alone.

    When I’m with a girl, though, I don’t actually *need* sex. I don’t know if it’s a low level of testosterone, or the fact that my foot fetish is so deeply ingrained in me: but the things that girls “stereotypically” do or say to make guys aroused have absolutely no effect on me. For me, sex is just something that I do with a girl I love to get her off by employing every single method at my disposal to show her my affection. After an extended foreplay session, I’ll kiss and softly lick her feet to get myself hard, then I’ll enter her and continue essentially giving her my body so that she can masturbate with it, and if I need to stay hard I’ll put her feet in my face, and after I make her come a few times and she’s in that post-coital euphoria, I’ll cool her down by then doing my thing with her feet. She is usually totally fine with it and lovingly obliges me.

    That’s it. Of course there are some times when I’m walking down the street or sitting somewhere and I suddenly get the urge to just thrust into someone, and I definitely do enjoy sex with my girlfriend, since I think the little noises she makes are cute and I get to have fun experimenting with getting her off in creative and different ways. But for the most part, sex proper is something that’s mostly for her benefit and for the emotional connection as far as I’m concerned.

  20. glnd Says:

    nothing wrong at all….

  21. Alexa C Says:

    To WTF2: While I respect your opinion, I cannot agree with it. Not just men cheat, for one. And I do not believe it is porn that causes PEOPLE to cheat. As human beings we have sexual attractions to many people. Just because a man watches porn does not mean that they only consider women to sexual objects. My bf terats me like a queen, yet he watches porn.
    Yes, everyone has a right to like or dislike porn, but we must show respect for other’s opinons, remember WTF2 Treat others the way you want to be treated.

  22. dawn Says:

    Well let me just say one thing about porn and men anyone who thinks its harmless is wrong. I live with a man who I thought was the most wonderful man I ever met until porn starting consuming his life and now we don’t even have a life thanks to porn because he became addictided. It consumes all of his time and its causing major problems with his job his life in general and I can’t live with it anymore so if you think it harmless your dead wrong, try reading up on sex addiction and porn addiction you’ll be suprised what its all about not a pretty picture it can happen to anyone

  23. Claire Says:

    Dawn, of course porn is not completely harmless–neither is alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, or even chocolate. Porn addiction is very real and very debilitating, but so is sex addiction. Yet most of us believe that alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, chocolate, and sex are not inherently evil. These things can all be enjoyed, by many of us, in moderation. My ex and I both watched porn, yet we never cheated on each other, had any desire to cheat on each other, or allowed porn to interfere with our physical relationship. Just because something CAN be overused in a very harmful way does not mean that the thing itself ought never to be used by anyone. I would never, for example, refrain from having sex with my significant other for fear a sex addiction would be sparked, though of course that would be a possibility; instead I would try to enjoy it in moderation.

    To Siri: It sounds like you and your boyfriend have a great handle on things, but in case it’s any more help, I want to point out that I was in a similar situation to you, with one difference. I was deeply in love with my boyfriend, but I wanted to wait for sex because it was so important to me. He had waited also, and we both had minimal experience in that area (that is, none except kissing). I never ended up getting around to having sex with him (we broke up last year), but I did watch porn. Somehow, I found sex to be something very sacred that I was just working up to toward what turned out to be the end of our relationship, and yet, yes, I had watched lots of couples have sex and gotten off on it. I understand where you see the incongruity, but as someone who has lived it, I find my attitude toward my own interaction with sex and my attitude toward the porn I watch to be pretty disconnected.

    As another illustration of that … sometimes the things I watch are things I would be EXTREMELY turned off by in real life. Because porn is already once removed from reality, the extra oomph of a really kinky aspect provides the necessary firepower sometimes. That doesn’t mean that I would ever desire that kinky aspect to enter into my own sex life. Don’t assume that your boyfriends are looking for exactly what they see in porn … really. It’s not the same experience.

  24. Laura Says:

    My boyfriend and I both like porn, but he has his that he likes to watch and I have mine. I understand that watching what I like turns me on for a number of reasons, and that what your after..that turn on. But I don’t get dissappointed because I haven’t had what it is I’m watching. Thats where my boyfriend has pissed me off while watching his porm with me. His porn being the two girls with one guy or a swinger setting. He will get kinda angry at times saying things like “see,..why can’t you do that?” or “See,..you’re too uptight. Why don’t you like other girls?” Like he’s mad at me because I haven’t made his porn reality for him. Naturally, I get pissed. I don’t have a problem with other girls but I don’t want to be with them sexually and I have no intentions of sharing my boyfriend. Its fantasy, not real everyday life.

  25. Madamoiselle L Says:

    I just wanted to add a few things. 1) There is a difference between being ADDICTED to porn (meaning not being able to feel desire or perform without porn as a stimulus) and simply occasionally watching and enjoying it. (and the word “Occasionally” is very flexible. For some people it means once or twice a week, for others once or twice a month or less.) FOOD can be addictive. Terribly addictive (yes, I KNOW the argument, “you can’t live without food, but you can live without porn.” Of course, but you CAN live without Twinkies and potato chips and pop.) MOST can people eat, they enjoy it, but it doesn’t consume their lives, their every waking thought or cause damage. They can limit or eliminate “bad” food choices, in favor of good, or save the less wise food choices to special occasions. That doesn’t mean FOOD is “bad” simply the way people choose it and use it can be.

    Most people who do enjoy some porn are NOT “addicted” but simply choose to watch it on occasion. Think of it as Twinkies, occasionally it’s fun, four times a day may be a problem. Eating NOTHING BUT Twinkies is really a problem. But judging one who occasionally indulges in Twinkies because “I’d never do that. It’s disgusting.” is a tad intolerant.

    2) Most “men” who watch porn are not “bored with their wives and will eventually cheat on them.” (BOY, would I be in trouble….but several decades into this relationship, he isn’t bored, neither am I, and neither of us have cheated……and we both watch some porn, both together (the most fun) and sometimes alone.)

    This also implies that only “men” watch the stuff. There is a LOT of porn and erotica out there made for and by women, in many media forms. I am thinking of everything from Erika Jong to Anias Nin to Tristin Taromino, to Allison Tyler to Velvet Blue etc. The stuff I currently like is…..spicier than the stuff my husband chooses for himself, so it’s not just men who “objectify.”

    I went through a very painful ordeal, about erotic and porn in the form of “2nd Wave Feminism” brought on misunderstanding about porn for many years. I thought it was “evil” and cruel, and caused harm in it’s pure form alone, while my fantasies were FAR beyond most of the stuff I usually had seen in most porn or erotica….a disconnect occurred. I tried to, really, alter my fantasy life, with disastrous result,(I started to not really enjoy sex) then settled on “what I like is MY business” while still “hating” porn, when really I didn’t understand it.

    When I realized that my “hatred” was artificial, and for all intents and purposes it was media and “quasi Oprah-like” driven, I relented, accepted my over the top sex drive for what it was, and the Man and I settled into a happily flowing sex life, which contains some porn, but doesn’t require it. I found I actually do enjoy a good deal of it, (lesbian porn and gay porn do little for me, but I don’t abhor these, they are just….there, at least the lesbian variety, can’t seem to get away from that.) I enjoy written erotica, my Man doesn’t seem to get into it, with the exception of the occasional story in a magazine or something I point out to him.

    3) MOST of the acts seen in erotic videos were NOT “made up” by the movie makers. People were already DOING this stuff. It still amazes me, when the Man and I watch a video, and often I will say, “Hey, we do that!” (why it amazes me, I don’t know, a lot of sex is instinct, but it still surprises me when I see something I somehow think we “made up” ourselves. Nope, if we are doing it, chances are other people are as well. And chances are good SOMEONE is making a film of people doing it.) In fact, I think we can credit pornography for the increase or at least acceptance of oral and anal sex, acceptance of the female orgasm, however it occurs, and varied sexual positions in recent decades. People WERE doing these things, but a lot of them thought “something was wrong” with them (see the original Kinsey Reports for details) In some ways erotica made certain consensual sex acts “acceptable” to the masses, (even if the masses were doing them, but thinking “something is wrong.” and feeling unnecessarily guilty.)

    In some cases seeing others do things validates “This is OK.” (I am not talking about non-consensual violent stuff, I am, as usual talking about CONSENSUAL acts. “OK” ends where Consent ends.)

    There IS a downside. Yes, the women often all do look like clones of each other, there is SOME objectification (but, do the Bottoms watching some gay porn object to THEIR “objectification?” My guess is “no.”) I HATE the ubiquiousness of the Brazillain Wax, and so MANY siliconed breasts, but it IS fantasy, and any adult watching porn should understand this. (Which is why erotica and pornography are simply NOT for children….need I say this?)

    My Man and I have found a happy medium in what is now referred to as “Vintage Erotica.” Mostly stuff from the 70s, 80s and early 90s. (Oh that Johnny Holmes. And I recently did a 2 week internet search to find some Vintage Seka for a gift for My Man.) In this stuff there is some pubic hair, the women are varied in looks, size and color, the men are varied (and usually, in straight porn, straight looking) there is little silicone (“Squishy, bouncy real boobies!” The Man cried!) and we can forgive the unfortunate hair styles, for the stuff we seem to like.

    OK, my two cents. (Well, more like a buck seventy five…) I am NOT telling anyone to watch anything which makes them uncomfortable, or to think a 10 hour a day porn habit is healthy, but accepting that different people DO have different desires and addendums to their sex lives is certainly something to stress and understand.

    Also, two people in a couple may NOT like the same things. I have heard tell that “men are visual” (Really? Then why does he hardly notice if I color or cut my hair?) So, most likely more men watch porn. But, my Man can accept my shopping trips, without having to be present or even “like” the idea, and I can accept his ADDICTION to the Bears and the Sox, to the exclusion of everything else, as well as accept being a “March Madness Widow” so others can accept a few oddities (from their POV) from their significant others. If it doesn’t interfere with the ability to sleep, eat, feel pleasure or socialize or work it is NOT “an addiction” so I think some tolerance is necessary here.

    :)

  26. BillyBoy Says:

    Wow, someone clearly has issues. WTF2 wrote: “Seriously what is wrong with you people? Porn is wrong. YES I SAID IT. The reason that there are men who get bored with their wife is because of porn. The reason men look at other women with lust and cheat is because they have been hammered by the porn industry to believe women are sexual objects and not people.”

    Okay . . . so why do women get bored with their husbands? In my case, I can tell you, it’s not because she’s watching porn. My wife has zero libido anymore and I’ve tried anything & everything and have talked it to death with her. I’d never cheat, so without porn, I’d probably just go flat out insane.

    I would also have to point out that men, and women, for that matter, have cheated on their spouses long before porn became so widely available and accessible. And before you make the argument, I seriously doubt that it has increased because of porn.

    To counter your thought, I have to wonder how many men cheat because their wives have lost interest in either them and/or sex?

  27. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Billyboy, do you mind my asking? Do you and your wife have a young baby or child? This is common to reduce a woman’s interest in sex for a year or so, it makes sense, as the baby needs her and having an other one (which is what usually drives a woman’s sex drive, the conscious or unconscious desire to have a child) would be detrimental to the baby. That doesn’t mean she should have NO sex drive, just that it might be muted for a year or so.

    Or, is she experiencing perimenopause? Some of us have an increase in sex drive in our 40s, as the eggs start to degrade and our bodies make less estrogen and the balance of testosterone is shifted upwards. But many women have a decrease in sex drive, along with not being able to lubricate or even orgasm. She needs to see her OBGYN as there are treatments to try to restore the sex drive.

    One more thing that can kill a woman’s sex drive is anger. Is she upset about something? A death in the family? Losing a friend? Something she THINKS you did? Or something you DID do and don’t realize she is upset, or she refuses to tell you. NOT telling your man when you are upset is immature, but so many women take the “You should know.” stand, and it wrecks the relationship.

    What occurred before her losing her sex drive? Something traumatic? Or just the daily grind? Both are solvable, but if she and you don’t want to get some professional help, it is sad.

    Oh, one more thought. MANY of us lose our sex drives (some of us nearly completely) when we are on certain types of hormonal birth control. Depo Provera is the main culprit, but in some women even the regular Pill can be blamed.

    I know you and she have “talked it to death” but maybe there is still some hope.

    Good luck.

  28. BillyBoy Says:

    Thanks, Madamoiselle, for your thoughts and concerns. I’d rather not go into particulars, but I will say I’ve considered and am aware of many of the issues you brought up. We’ve even talked about many of them, and it’s certainly a complex matter. The frustration, for me, stems from the fact that she doesn’t do anything to remedy the situation. We just keep rehashing the same conversations, with no effort on her part to change things. I am optimistic, however, and would say the there is always hope. We still have a connection, it’s just the intimacy that needs to be addressed.

  29. Madamoiselle L Says:

    I’m sorry, Billyboy. I hope things get better for you.

    Hugs,

    M

  30. PIehay Says:

    To start off, i have many problems with porn. Some were mentioned above already, but I’d like to put in my own two or three cents. The fact that many people are exposed to pornography below the legal age of 18, sometimes as young as 12 or younger, is not helping the view and objectification of sex that kids already witness all around them in the world. The maturity of the content they see is loose all around them and there are no restraints on it, especially when it is clear that many parents are not putting in their words about safe sex etc. This is when most men, like in the story above, I feel get into the habit of turning to porn, when they are bored or just need to get off, and form these habits that aren’t healthy to carry into a relationship. I don’t feel like just because something has been started as a habit years before you meet someone is a reason to continue doing it, or hide it. I’ve had very serious conversations with my boyfriend about why I am against the use of porn in lieu of human contact or communication, and the content that is out there, the people involved etc, but still he continued to use it behind my back knowing that it was very disrespectful to me and what I heartily believe in. What also tied into this is that he mentioned that he still acts like he is single.. which was very clear in other parts of our relationship. I have yet to find any article mentioning a woman in a relationship that has her views about porn being clearly disrespected by a significant other. Many that I have seen present the point that the female masturbates, etc, which i do not do. I’ve never been comfortable with the topic of porn, and I find that I come to the conversation educated and not naive about it, and ive even taken a course in the biological matters of sex, relating to psychology as well, but it is still hard for me to determine why someone would disrespect their significant other in that way. I’m still trying to deal with this situation clearly, and I would enjoy respectful input.

  31. Madamoiselle L Says:

    Plehay said: “I’ve had very serious conversations with my boyfriend about why I am against the use of porn in lieu of human contact or communication, and the content that is out there, the people involved etc, but still he continued to use it behind my back knowing that it was very disrespectful to me and what I heartily believe in”

    First of all, I am sad you feel so bad about all this. But, there are some things that need to be addressed, (which obviously were not in the “Biology” class you took) You said “bout why I am against the use of porn in lieu of human contact or communication” YES, IN LIEU OF, that is an addiction. IN ADDITION to is normal. Meaning a LOT of people, men and women view some porn IN ADDITION TO human contact and communication.

    If is is indeed “in lieu of” (meaning you two have little human contact or communication with each other, and he watches porn all the time instead of talking to you ever) That is a huge problem, one which most likely wasn’t CAUSED by the porn, but the porn is one of the symptoms of some deeper seated problem.

    “He continued to use it behind my back.” (then some stuff about how he is “disrespecting” you by not Obeying your Orders.) Hmmm. Do you really have the right to dictate what he can and cannot watch, read or view? I think not. The reason he “continued to use it behind your back” is that it is somewhat important to him,(and he obviously didn’t want to hurt your feelings) and YOU decreed he NOT have anything to do with it. Imagine if he told you, “No more Chick Flicks. If I see you watching ANYTHING with Sandra Bullock, Hugh Grant, Allisa Silverstone, Drew Barrymore etc there will be trouble.” Would that be FAIR? If you did go out and see a Chick Flick would it really be “disrespecting him?” or simply doing what YOU like, and ignoring what only seems to be a form of Control Freakism by him?

    A lot of guys think silly, “romantic comedies” are as detrimental or more to their relationships as some women think porn is to theirs, as Romantic Comedy is about as realistic in terms of how Relationships work as some women think Hard Core is to theirs.

    I happen to agree with the guys. NOBODY “gets the Fairy Tale.” EVER! Nobody lives happily ever after, and movies which promote this idea can indeed be seen as “harmful” if one thinks REAL relationships work like the ones in these movies do, but one certainly has the right to watch them. BUT, people have the right to watch it, and a woman’s partner has NO right to tell her not to.

    If you don’t care for these movies, insert something you DO like that he doesn’t care for (shoe shopping, internet shopping, mall shopping, searching high and low for “just the right duvet cover,” Girls Night Out, Whatever, and imagine him demanding YOU give it up, because he claims he “doesn’t get it or like it” or “it is against what he heartily believes in” therefor you have no right to it. Doesn’t seem fair does it?

    I think “Demanding” one’s partner “immediately stop” just about anything (this side of cooking meth in the basement) is being Controlling and really not their business to tell other people, (partner or not) what they are allowed to enjoy. Not to mention acting in such a Controlling manner is Poison to most relationships.

    You also said: “I have yet to find any article mentioning a woman in a relationship that has her views about porn being clearly disrespected by a significant other.” UM, no. I know plenty of married women who take umbrage with their husband’s fondness for porn. I know DOZENS of guys who hide their porn from their wives, and tolerance on her part and honesty on his would be a better solution.

    He’s GONNA watch it, “your views being disrespected” are simply not part of the issue to him. You can’t dictate that even “in a relationship” your partner do or not do otherwise normal things. Well, you CAN, but often the relationship simply doesn’t survive.

    And good luck finding a man who doesn’t watch porn. (My Man works with two strange dudes who claim they NEVER watch porn…..they also don’t have adult sexual relationships with women or men, in fact, they don’t have sex at all, they also both live in their mother’s basements, and go on vacation with her, alone with her, in their 40s and 50s. That’s about all I have seen of this variety of men.)

    I’m a married woman, and I USED TO BE one of these women. (I never told my Man he “couldn’t” watch porn, I just didn’t like that he did.) I was brainwashed by 2nd wave feminism it it’s worst incarnation, BUT I worked on it, looked at if from a man’s POV, and learned to overcome such prudery and intolerance, to the betterment of myself and my marriage.

    But, I still know some married women who have issues with their husband’s porn watching. There are three solutions. 1)Dissolve the relationship, 2)or find something you can watch together, 3)or just pretend he isn’t doing it. I don”t know about “articles” I am going on real human relationships here. And IMO, if you don’t like porn and he does, it should be one of those things that you “pick your battles about” and leave the porn OUT of your battles. (because if your relationship survives you two are going to have a LOT more important things to Battle about, believe me.

    (Of course, a real live addiction is a different story. But, people addicted to porn do little else, cannot engage in normal sexual activities without porn, or simply have given up sex altogether to watch others do it. It is not as common as FOX NEWS would have you believe, but nearly ALL men watch and own porn, and only a small percentage are actually “addicted” to it. Chances are, if he’s hiding it, it is NOT an addiction, because he would need nearly non stop access to it.

    In recent studies it was shown that 97% of female population, and 99% of the male admitted to masturbating. The other 3% and 1% were lying…..

    My guess, (I am thinking you wouldn’t have posted here if you didn’t want advice from Sex Positive people, so here goes) is that either you DO masturbate (which is normal and healthy and helps one to actually ENJOY sex with a partner MORE) or you are so detached from your own body that you CAN’T touch yourself “there.”

    THAT needs to be addressed, seriously, more than your bf’s occasional, discreet porn watching. Maybe if you either masturbated (or admitted that you did) your sex life would blossom and grow, and perhaps your Tolerance for what other people like would, too.

    Good luck to you.

  32. Pat Says:

    I finally told my fiancee about my addiction to porn wanting to actually change for good this time. I felt as though this was a way to clear the air before we got married so that I went into this marriage only wanting my wife. I am a very devout Christian and believe that porn is a life ruining addiction/habit. My problem now is that she says she is scared to have sex with me because of my past addiction. I still have the temptation to look at porn but have steered away from it for 4 months. I am sincerely worried that when we have sex when we’re married, that it won’t last long into our marriage. We have all but stopped making out after 5 years of dating. Is it going to be the same with our marriage and sex?

  33. rach Says:

    I HATE PORN… It makes me feel as if Im not good enough for him. And the only reason why I let him watch it is so he can fill my needs. After sex I feel like FUCKIN SHIT. Im sorry but I have no idea how any girl can say oh Im ok with it. DEEP Down I believe that no girl is ok with it. LIKE REALLY yah man if doin ya thinkin of someone else Kinda like cheating.
    Im ment to be a lesbooo I cant deal with anymore after 5 years with him and a child. Hes got to go It plays in my mind all the time Im not good enough

  34. BeCool Says:

    There is nothing wrong with porn. You just need to clean up your mind. why men watch porn? because they just need a fast and quick release, sometime we are just too tired to go through a long process of love making but horny enough to wank off a just a few min. there is no doubt that porn is not as good as making love but we have to admit that guys are more into imagination thinking of sex more often.

  35. rafael trefil Says:

    2 Things about a guy and Porn. 1]He watches Porn cause thats the only way he gets some loving or worse the kind of loving he really wants example is: I really love anal sex but my wife does not since I can not have it with her I will have it with my favorite Porn Star but believe there is not a million Porn Stars in this world that could take the place of my wife if she loved to have anal sex with me!!
    2]He is just a Porn Addict and no matter what you do for him he will never face to the fact he has a problem. If this is the case Dump the Bum faster than you can say See Ya Butthole.

  36. Sildenafil Says:

    Imagine if he asked you to give up masturbation*, because he should be enough for you.

  37. college girl Says:

    Okay you women need to grow a pair and ask your significant other to stop watching porn if you’re not comfortable with it, why is there no expectation of self control?

    A relationship is about making sacrifices and compromising, I’m sure you’ve made sacrifices for him

  38. Jan Says:

    My boyfriend doesn’t have much of a sex drive and yet he still can’t help but share what little he has w porn. I wasn’t getting enough sex and porn and masterbating isn’t much fun for me. Soo apparently as everyone on here seems to be saying, I can cheat. Kuz it’s either porn or cheating. I hate that he watches porn and I don’t even hate porn. I knew he watched it n I wasn’t worried about it. That was until our sex life vanished and I found what he watche and how often he watche it Underage webcam videos. So I worry about what he might turn to in 20 years if we get married. Frequent porn use is scientifically proven to ruin the natural brain chemistry in the reward zone. Men, and women, become desensitized and need more crazy porn to get excited. There are many sites out there supporting all of this. So as much as I dont mind porn, it does effect most relationships in some way. Even if it’s only the occasional ‘sry hunny I already watched porn so I can’t get it up for you’ to the pitty fuck n it takes obnoxiously long for him to get off, to erectile distinction and the loss (or lack) of emotional intamacy w a human sex partner. I don’t see how regular porn use has any positives. I now have to cheat I guess because that seems acceptable as long as I don’t infringe on his porn right.

  39. Johnny Says:

    ^ … why not just leave him rather than cheat? You’re not married. Just bail.

  40. Jan Says:

    Well I don’t see how leaving him would help anything. Apparently every guy watches porn on a nearly daily basis. If they can keep up a masterbating and sex… Sounds like a sex,porn,love addiction of some sort. So obviously cheating is a justifiable action. I’ve been w this guy for four years. We love eachother, and he loves porn. I’m not sure what the difference between chatting on sites and watching sites such as motherless and home alone sluts isn’t well, cheating. He insists it’s fine and this is his right so cheating is mine. I enjoy sex at the basis of what it is, physical pleasure. And anyone I trust to give it to me doesn’t mean I need to be in love with them. So I guess I’ll imploy the help of an ex to get my sexual needs and attention met. He has his porn for his. My bf grew up with porn, it’s his first lover. It’s his sex life. Unfortunately porn makes his sex life much more different then mine. I rely on my partner to go with me threw our sexual experiences and discoveries together. As where he does the same boring sex thing over and over because hell, he’s got never ending amounts of porn for veriety. Frequent porn has made him a selfish and shallow lover. But hey, at least he’s not cheating right?! So for people that think porn is so great… Maybe you should check out the emotional side of a true intimate sexual relationship, if you have any self respect/esteem/intelligence, I’m sure you’ll find something
    Lacking in yours.


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