A relationship is about making sacrifices and compromising, I’m sure you’ve made sacrifices for him

First of all, I am sad you feel so bad about all this. But, there are some things that need to be addressed, (which obviously were not in the “Biology” class you took) You said “bout why I am against the use of porn in lieu of human contact or communication” YES, IN LIEU OF, that is an addiction. IN ADDITION to is normal. Meaning a LOT of people, men and women view some porn IN ADDITION TO human contact and communication.

If is is indeed “in lieu of” (meaning you two have little human contact or communication with each other, and he watches porn all the time instead of talking to you ever) That is a huge problem, one which most likely wasn’t CAUSED by the porn, but the porn is one of the symptoms of some deeper seated problem.

“He continued to use it behind my back.” (then some stuff about how he is “disrespecting” you by not Obeying your Orders.) Hmmm. Do you really have the right to dictate what he can and cannot watch, read or view? I think not. The reason he “continued to use it behind your back” is that it is somewhat important to him,(and he obviously didn’t want to hurt your feelings) and YOU decreed he NOT have anything to do with it. Imagine if he told you, “No more Chick Flicks. If I see you watching ANYTHING with Sandra Bullock, Hugh Grant, Allisa Silverstone, Drew Barrymore etc there will be trouble.” Would that be FAIR? If you did go out and see a Chick Flick would it really be “disrespecting him?” or simply doing what YOU like, and ignoring what only seems to be a form of Control Freakism by him?

A lot of guys think silly, “romantic comedies” are as detrimental or more to their relationships as some women think porn is to theirs, as Romantic Comedy is about as realistic in terms of how Relationships work as some women think Hard Core is to theirs.

I happen to agree with the guys. NOBODY “gets the Fairy Tale.” EVER! Nobody lives happily ever after, and movies which promote this idea can indeed be seen as “harmful” if one thinks REAL relationships work like the ones in these movies do, but one certainly has the right to watch them. BUT, people have the right to watch it, and a woman’s partner has NO right to tell her not to.

If you don’t care for these movies, insert something you DO like that he doesn’t care for (shoe shopping, internet shopping, mall shopping, searching high and low for “just the right duvet cover,” Girls Night Out, Whatever, and imagine him demanding YOU give it up, because he claims he “doesn’t get it or like it” or “it is against what he heartily believes in” therefor you have no right to it. Doesn’t seem fair does it?

I think “Demanding” one’s partner “immediately stop” just about anything (this side of cooking meth in the basement) is being Controlling and really not their business to tell other people, (partner or not) what they are allowed to enjoy. Not to mention acting in such a Controlling manner is Poison to most relationships.

You also said: “I have yet to find any article mentioning a woman in a relationship that has her views about porn being clearly disrespected by a significant other.” UM, no. I know plenty of married women who take umbrage with their husband’s fondness for porn. I know DOZENS of guys who hide their porn from their wives, and tolerance on her part and honesty on his would be a better solution.

He’s GONNA watch it, “your views being disrespected” are simply not part of the issue to him. You can’t dictate that even “in a relationship” your partner do or not do otherwise normal things. Well, you CAN, but often the relationship simply doesn’t survive.

And good luck finding a man who doesn’t watch porn. (My Man works with two strange dudes who claim they NEVER watch porn…..they also don’t have adult sexual relationships with women or men, in fact, they don’t have sex at all, they also both live in their mother’s basements, and go on vacation with her, alone with her, in their 40s and 50s. That’s about all I have seen of this variety of men.)

I’m a married woman, and I USED TO BE one of these women. (I never told my Man he “couldn’t” watch porn, I just didn’t like that he did.) I was brainwashed by 2nd wave feminism it it’s worst incarnation, BUT I worked on it, looked at if from a man’s POV, and learned to overcome such prudery and intolerance, to the betterment of myself and my marriage.

But, I still know some married women who have issues with their husband’s porn watching. There are three solutions. 1)Dissolve the relationship, 2)or find something you can watch together, 3)or just pretend he isn’t doing it. I don”t know about “articles” I am going on real human relationships here. And IMO, if you don’t like porn and he does, it should be one of those things that you “pick your battles about” and leave the porn OUT of your battles. (because if your relationship survives you two are going to have a LOT more important things to Battle about, believe me.

(Of course, a real live addiction is a different story. But, people addicted to porn do little else, cannot engage in normal sexual activities without porn, or simply have given up sex altogether to watch others do it. It is not as common as FOX NEWS would have you believe, but nearly ALL men watch and own porn, and only a small percentage are actually “addicted” to it. Chances are, if he’s hiding it, it is NOT an addiction, because he would need nearly non stop access to it.

In recent studies it was shown that 97% of female population, and 99% of the male admitted to masturbating. The other 3% and 1% were lying…..

My guess, (I am thinking you wouldn’t have posted here if you didn’t want advice from Sex Positive people, so here goes) is that either you DO masturbate (which is normal and healthy and helps one to actually ENJOY sex with a partner MORE) or you are so detached from your own body that you CAN’T touch yourself “there.”

THAT needs to be addressed, seriously, more than your bf’s occasional, discreet porn watching. Maybe if you either masturbated (or admitted that you did) your sex life would blossom and grow, and perhaps your Tolerance for what other people like would, too.

Good luck to you.

Hugs,

M