Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Okay, so how different is intercourse with a condom? What does it feel like? Do different kinds of condoms make a difference?
Straight Married Guy (Fred): It’s different. It’s not as good. Think pancakes without the syrup. Scratching an itch with the palm of your hand. A foot massage while wearing slippers. “American Idol” without Adam Lambert. It’s still okay, just not great. It can be frustrating for guys because everything else about the experience is vivid but where it really counts it is dull. And we know what it feels like au natural. Different types of condoms definitely make a difference. Anything that says super-thin, ultra-thin, sensitive, etc., are usually waaaay better than your regular, cheap, vending-machine rubbers. Sometimes you have to use them. If you’re dating, it’s obviously a must. Ladies, if you’re buying, do him the favor of getting the thin, high quality ones. And remember, the more excited he is, the less he’ll be distracted by the lack of feeling, so getting a little naughtier than usual can really help.
Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): I’m an exclusive bottom, so I had to e-mail hundreds of — er, a few past sexual partners to ask them. The general consensus was that it’s different but not by a whole lot. With a condom you have less sensation (“33% less,” said one when I asked) but you last longer (I didn’t ask, but the obsessive-compulsive in me has decided that it’s 33% longer), so it’s kind of a trade-off. Thin condoms are better, apparently, and polyurethane condoms are by far the best (though they’re more expensive). All the men surveyed said that condoms felt better when they were having sex with me than with other partners.
Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): It’s very different. Basically, it sucks. But not in a good way. What is it like? It’s like getting a massage with a sweater on. It’s like watching a movie with the sound off. I guess a way to describe it to a woman is that it’s like having sex with a guy with a really small penis. It’s sex…but not really. If you have to wear one (and you definitely should if you’re having casual sex), thinner condoms are better, and it helps to find one that fits right.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
July 28th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I once had a close, personal friend ask me after cunnilingus with a dental dam if that’s how sex with a condom feels for men. Obviously, it’s impossible for me to know for sure but I felt comfortable with an answer of “probably.” To which she responded “That sucks. I can why guys hate it.”
Yeah, the sensory inputs are definitely attenuated. However, the diminished risks of STIs and unexpected conception are absolutely mitigating factors in my book.
July 28th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
I don’t know how it compares to the other half (80%?), but if you’re not circumcised, a condom makes things QUITE different. Mainly because your foreskin isn’t moving at all as you slide in and out. That’s good and bad, I suppose… it’s nice that your glans is always exposed (which for me, it usually is, but not always), but depending upon what you’re doing you can miss the foreskin being in on the action.
But more universally, it definitely adds that sensation filter on top of everything, in a not so good way. But you can indeed last longer, if that’s an issue (or even if it’s not — in which case it might become one)
July 28th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Getting straight to the point, reduced sensation means that I’m less in tune with my wife, need more vigorous motion to get the same amount (quantity, not quality) of stimulation and more likely find myself thrusting away just to get off. Not the ingredients of that perfect shared moment.
July 28th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Imagine caressing your lover.
While wearing rubber gloves.
July 28th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
My bf actually prefers using a condom and he honestly can not cum during sex without a rubber on, he says he’s too scared to. I actually think I remember him saying it feels better with one on…. huh
July 28th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
What Evan said.
Condom sex is so lame that I’d rather not have it. I’d much prefer a hot oral session.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:30 am
Mainly because your foreskin isn’t moving at all as you slide in and out.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:56 am
I’m female, and I absolutely hate condoms. I know my bf prefers it more than I do but then he softens up when the condom comes near. When it does go on successfully, I just want the session to be over asap.
Condoms makes me want to cry.
I would actually rather not have penetrative sex than to have our moment interrupted and ruined.
July 29th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I’m a female college student and I’m only dating casually. Among my peers here, the consensus seems to be that condoms are a necessary evil when you’re dealing with anything short of a relationship. The guys seem to have accepted it. A few times I’ve even had guys insist, mid makeout session, that we find one first. I’m wondering whether those instances occurred because I personally seem like a REASON to play it safe. Perhaps I should take offense. Ha.
July 29th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
I don’t get how having to stop to put on the condom interrupts the moment… For me, it builds anticipation, and I love watching him in his full glory as he puts it on, or me putting it on. It’s all part of the loving, baby…
July 29th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Or rather, “ruins the moment”.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
One downside of condoms I keep hearing about privately but not so much in open discussion is loss of erection. I’ve had a vasectomy, and been pretty much in long-term “fluid bonded” relationships, since just before concerns about HIV emerged so I don’t actually have a lot of experience with condoms. But even when I was an… um… perpetually upstanding young man it took a lot of gear-shifting to unwrap and properly put on a condom, and between the mental distractions, the time spent, and the fact that putting one on necessarily means you’re thinking about myriad consequences if something went wrong I’d often shrink to a point where penetration became difficult.
And since, as I discovered decades later, it’s actually not just me it would be *very* nice if there was more, and more open, discussion of the effect.
This isn’t to say I’m complaining about condoms, just that I’m guessing that at least part of male discomfort with the things comes not from the (ahem) straight-up loss of sensation but surprise or dismay about flagging, however briefly, when standard narratives about masculinity says it’s least supposed to happen. So, I guess, instead of complaining about condoms (which is pretty common) I’m complaining about the standard myths, narratives, and procedures involved in getting it on, and keeping it on, while *putting* it on.
Again, obviously it’s not a problem for every man but it’s evidently a problem for quite a few of us. A little help with that would be handy.
figleaf
July 29th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Figleaf,
You’re right that it’s not just you and I know my bf faces that issue. It’s much more frustrating for me than for him; I can shrug it off, but he rarely does.
So, condoms would be nice to do away with, but until we find something that works 100% of the time and protects against STIs and pregnancy, I think they’re going to be the first recommended route to keeping both partners happy. Ish.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
I’m a female and I’ve only had one sex partner. Since we were monogamous and know we are both clean, I’ve only had sex sans condom and really don’t like the idea of losing sensation. It’s hard to weight the tiny worry of negative consequences against how good it feels, but I know that when I’m dating again, I’ll have to get used to sex with a condom.
July 31st, 2009 at 3:21 pm
I also hate condoms. They sap up all of my natural lubrication – plus most of what we put on… And tends to get VERY uncomfortable. And like someone else said above – my guy tends to have to uh… jackhammer away to get off. Which, sometimes, is okay, because I’m craving that… but not always.
So really – I just avoid casual sex, because I really don’t enjoy sex with condoms.
July 31st, 2009 at 5:12 pm
For me its all about the proper fit and lubrication.
I use Trojan Magnums and they are very lubricated – but for the woman’s sake I also use a really good lubricant like Cool Touch KY, which is very ’slippery’ and also edible.
Using condoms helps me last longer – forever actually – so its good for getting HER off…..but when its time for me to get off, luckily I have a lover who allows me to release anywhere on her body
She will suck me off, or give me a nice oily handjob. We are discreet partners so using the condoms, its a necessary trade-off.
August 1st, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Of course sex without condoms would feel better for both of us. But so much better that it would warrant me pumping hormones through my body with a pill every day? Doubt it.
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:41 am
the only good things about condoms are;
no babies
no STI’s
no mess
Ulimately use of condoms depends on the type of relationship you have with the person your having sex with & the individuals personal preference.
Currently I’m clean, my boyfriend is clean and another means of birth control is in place. So I dont see the point of cheating myself or my partner out of increased arousal & pleasure.
x
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:04 am
Condoms have always spelt disaster for me. I’m a circumcised straight male, and I have never yet had a partner where sex with a condom was fun. At best, and with lots of concentration and fantasising, I can just about get there, but 95% of the time, no perceptible sensation, no fun, just the humiliation of a very deflating experience. I’d truly rather not attempt it than have another condom catastrophe. Worst experience ever was when a gf accidentally bought some ‘delay’ condoms with added anaesthetic to slow you down – I was so numb that I couldn’t raise more than a smile for 2 days!
I know they’re necessary, but do they prevent STIs – probably not – they just force you to get your jollies by other, less safe means.
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:23 pm
I’m quite sure that if there were a survey done, the outcome would most definetely be more males as well as FEMALES that would say sex does FEEL better without a condom.
Dito on what Evan said.
I am exclusive with my bf’s however we do use condoms sometimes. I Use a lubricant called Pjure Erose, and it’s the closest thing next to not wearing a condomn at all. I recommend it to those who express extreme displeasure with wearing condoms, trust me, you’ll like it, and will be surprised at mirrored contrast of being “bareback” to using the product wit your condoms.
August 7th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
The female condom is the solution. If no one is selfish, each of you has much more sensation by each taking turns wearing a condom. He wears one for her and she wears one for him. Each partner has a session with fairly diminished sensitivity and one session with a not-so-diminished sensitivity.
Planning ahead for an unknown spontaneous moment and practicing the quick application of said condom are keys, too.
My wife and I are kinsey 3 on the bi-sexual scale and we have an open marriage. Condoms are required but that doesn’t mean a guy can’t go bareback in a female condom. Unfortunately the condom makers haven’t come up with a condom for the anus. Again, to share the experience.
It works for us. The solution seems so very simple, but so few seem to take action to make it happen. Why?
August 8th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Actually, @videodude, you can use the “female condom” for anal sex. I put this in quotes because there used to be an identical one marketed to gay men–same device, different name. It’s been a while, I can’t remember what they called it. But Dan Savage frequently recommends the female condom for anal sex, and I’d reckon he’d know . . .
August 9th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I hate condoms. Little Jay dont wanna come out and play. The sad part is I have to suffer through condoms EVEN if Im in a monogamous relationship and even if Im extremely supportive with helping my partner deal with the side effects of other contraceptives. Anal used to alleviate the stress and frustration I felt whenever another shrinking incident occurred. But unfortunately, that too is now off the table…
What’s a guy to do eh.
August 9th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
the only guy I’ve ever been with who truly complained about condoms and said “little . . . . don’t wanna play” was an asshole. I’ve seen a lot more of what Kayla mentioned-guys who realize that since, hey, a baby would be awful right now, probably better get on the rubber action.
September 3rd, 2009 at 3:03 pm
To respond to all of those comments about the foreskin not moving….My foreskin is filled up all the way and tight…there is no movement with or without condoms. As for the condom reducing the feeling….yes, but not enough to bother me. I would say only about 25% reduction in sensation.
September 13th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Condoms do suck.. but suck more for men then for women.. why? well think about it.. the guy is wearing it so theres hardly any friction sensation.. women get the benefit of being safe while still feeling the friction from sex.. its just not fair… especially since we get called jerks for it
September 22nd, 2009 at 3:06 am
My bf..when he tries to wear a condom..his erection goes down, and im still young and i dont wanna have unprotected sex with him because i dont want to get pregnant, but it is soo tempting but i WANNA STOP!…i just want advice in how could i still make him stay hard while hes putting a condom on
September 30th, 2009 at 9:33 am
hi jazmin. yea condoms do suck, but dnt be tempted by not using 1. all it takes is 1 time and “bosh” u got a little 1. jst try more for-play and try put new things. really turn him on. dress up, things like that.
hope this helps. anyone else want help from a male mind, add me if you want. and u can as well jazmin and i will try and help you more.
furt2006@hotmail.co.uk
cheers
XXXX
October 4th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Sex wit a condom does suck!Absolutely no pleasure at all 4 both men n women.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:38 pm
I you’re having sex with a condom on,the condom is in the vagina and your cock is it the condom,so you’re really fucking the condom,not the women,you’d be better off wanking with a condom on your cock or using a rubber kitchen glove,just think about kiss for a moment,you wouldn’t kiss a women between a sheet of glass,but it’s not different it’s still a barrier,you’d be better off having a long term partner and both getting tested instead unless you have a rubber fetish of course.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:57 am
if you dont like condoms …then okay but i had sex with condoms multiply times and its better for me because i can relax and know im leaving how i came -Std free and no kids
November 16th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Condoms are horrible. I’ve been married to my wife for 15 years and she is totally against me getting snipped so I still have to wear a rubber. There are many times that I can’t even get off because she is so wet and, well, we have children so things aren’t as tight as they were when we were younger. There are times I just avoid having sex because I don’t want the frustration of having a condom ruin things.