Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “What do blue-balls feel like… is it really that painful, or that big a deal? Is it even a real physical phenomenon?”
Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): Blue balls are the testicular equivalent of a migraine headache. They are very real and can be very painful: pressure builds up due to sexual excitement from direct stimulation and has nowhere to go. Imagine having to sneeze, getting right to the second before and holding it for 15 minutes. Now, to be clear, I’m referring to situations where sexual activity has already begun (i.e. handjobs, oral, whatever) and then stopped in the middle for some reason. Mere kissing doesn’t cause blue balls, and those guys who claim otherwise are probably pigs. (To suggest a romantic situation that starts with kissing HAS to end with an orgasm is not only absurd, it’s borderline abusive.) But in those situations where physical contact with the johnson has been initiated by a second party and then arbitrarily withdrawn, it can be not only physically frustrating, but emotionally frustrating as well. It’s like, Why would she do that? Why??? My work ethic has always been to finish what I start, and I recommend this philosophy be applied to the bedroom as well. Of course, guys who find themselves in this situation have a very easy solution: masturbate! Much like Excedrin cures a headache, masturbation will cure blue balls. It’s really quite simple.
Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): Truthfully, I had to look this up. Wikipedia claims it is “the condition of temporary fluid congestion in the testicles and prostrate region caused by prolonged sexual arousal in the human male.” I say no way. Total urban legend. “Prolonged sexual arousal?” What kind of oxymoron is that? I don’t know any guy who “prolongs” sexual arousal. Sexual arousal in men is like Superman: it’s up, up and away, end of story. Maybe it existed in the ’50s, when people would just “neck” for hours and it wouldn’t go anywhere. But those days are looooong gone. Hi Bristol Palin! And gay-wise? Uh, never an issue. However, if I’m wrong and there really is such a thing, I would sincerely hope they look like Smurf balls — because that would be kind of cool.
Straight Married Guy (Jim): What does it say about me that I’m not even sure I’ve ever really experienced blue balls? All I can say for sure is that not having orgasmic sex is the worst part of not having orgasmic sex. I’d prefer to think this is an evolutionary advance, rather than a carefully cultivated myth I’m ruining for half of everyone. Maybe someone who wasn’t effectively celibate in high school can explain if it’s only a problem with new balls.
Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Jim from New York, our Gay Guy is Jay Dyckman, an LA copywriter, and our Single Straight Guy is Tyler Barnett, owner of the LA PR firm Barnett Ellman. To ask the guys your own question, click here.
March 24th, 2010 at 2:43 am
I have definitely had blue balls. Usually it isn’t that bad, but recently I had a terrible case of them. Walking hurt really badly, and I was quite concerned because they hurt for some time, but it went away eventually.
I also agree with the comment that suggested that they would be too sore to masturbate, because I can’t even imagine jerking off after that. It would have killed.
April 1st, 2010 at 1:24 pm
I experience very mild blue balls pretty regularly. Like after fooling around with the wife for a while but not finishing the deed, or while having sex but holding back myself so she can come.
These cases, let’s put them at about a 3-4 on the pain scale. It aches, but it doesn’t get in the way too bad. I usually don’t even mention it. On about three or four occasions in my life it’s been so bad (7 or
that for some reason it made me feel like I had to take the most painful BM in my life, similar to Dude. Then pushing for the BM made the pain twice as bad. I never got to the vomiting stage, though I did feel nausea. A couple of these times were when I first had sex, since it took me a couple tries to get over the nerves and reach orgasm.
In my experience once the pain has started it’s too late. Prevention is the only cure.
April 2nd, 2010 at 2:44 pm
So I actually found out what causes me to get BB. I always thought it was just prolongued, unsatisfied erections. But I discovered with my girlfriend that even if I have an erection pretty much all day long, I can stop getting BB. How? I just let the erection happen but I don’t encourage it. It’s difficult to describe with words, but basically when a man is erect, he’ll be contracting muscles around the penis area, petting, stroking etc, all for sexual pleasure. I decided I would do none of that, and just let the erection happen, on its own, but just ignore it. Guess what? it works for me! IGNORE your erection guys. Just pretend it’s not there, and definitely do NOT encourage it. Works for me. Of course, the best thing is when I get to undress my girlfriend and do her, but that’s another matter.
August 4th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
I have had Blue Balls twice in my life and both times it was extremely painful. The 1st time when I was 13 my GF was trying out oral sex for the first time, when her mother came home. I slipped out the window disappointed and went home horny as hell. The next morning it felt as though I had been kicked in the nuts. The pain was unbelieveably bad. My balls were so sensitive that any movement sent jets of pain up in to my lower stomach. The second time was during marine corps boot camp. I was close to 3 months without an orgasm when I had a hot encounter with naval nurse that was cut short. I woke up later that night to excrutiating pain. By then I had learned through the grapevine that ejaculation cured Blue Balls. I went to the Head, did the deed, and the pain disappeared.