photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sometime in the future, we’ll all be outfitted with wireless devices, encoded with everything from our dating preferences to how we like our eggs. You’ll walk into a bar and an insistent vibration in your pocket will tell you that there’s someone within ten feet who’s cute, single and likes two olives and a twist in their martini, just like you! (Either that or you forgot to take out your battery-operated butt plug before leaving the house. Don’t you hate it when that happens?) But until then, you’ll have to do a bit of the work yourself. When you’re out and about this week, don’t be afraid to subtly let someone know your amorous intentions.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s not easy being a superstar. Everyone wants to buy you dinner, carry your bookbag, be seen with you in public, scrub your bathroom floor. People will show up to parties just because a rumor spread around town that you’d be there. Wait, where’s the hard part, is that what you’re asking? Here it is: the more admirers you have, the more likely you are to have unwanted admirers. You might be tempted to lead them on a little, encourage their attentions, avoid hurting their feelings. Perhaps you’re afraid people will say, “Popularity changed him/her”? But sometimes you’ve just gotta say, “Talk to the hand, ’cause the face ain’t listening.” Not everyone is meant to date a superstar; they’ll thank you for it in the long run.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Hey Mr./Ms. Obvious, would you like some tact with that Happy Meal? Sure, no one likes playing games (at least, no one likes being toyed with), and even if they do, the dating game is happening on an even playing field these days. But that’s no excuse for a neanderthal approach to dating (and mating). Subtlety, tact and quiet charm never go out of style.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Once in a while, it’s a useful exercise to examine your relationship as if it were a workplace conundrum: What are my goals here, and how best to accomplish them? Do I have the resources I need, and if not, how can I get them? Do I need to do a background check? Am I getting compensated well enough to bother attacking this problem? Don’t I deserve a more comfortable office chair? And remember that sometimes it’s okay to say, in the immortal words of some old country singer, “Take this job and shove it, I ain’t working here no more.”

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Extreme once wrote a song about wanting “more than words”–”Show me how you feel,” they sang. Then again, heavy metal rockers aren’t known for their appreciation of language, wide vocabulary or ability to express themselves verbally. You, on the other hand, are in possession of a fine verbal wit and dexterity. Keep the words coming and you’ll be hard to resist.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If you always fall in love when you least expect it, then stop expecting it and maybe it will finally happen. Which nineteenth-century British philosopher was it who said, “Expect nothing and you’ll be infinitely happy”?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Every relationship, no matter how fairy tale, can be nit-picked on practicalities. Cinderella? Clash of socioeconomic backgrounds, of course. Sleeping Beauty? Hello, what’s up with a man who kisses a dead chick? John and Elizabeth Edwards–wait, scratch that. Princess Diana and–never mind. Well, you get the picture. Stop trying to foresee how your relationship might fail and enjoy the fairy tale while it lasts.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It’s as if you’ve got the same publicist as Robert Pattinson this week. Position yourself in a highly trafficked area, smile like a horse and enjoy all the attention. Try not to punch anyone with a camera–they’re probably just tourists.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Remember Jessica Simpson’s acting career? Yeah, we’re trying to forget it, too, but the nightmares are recurring. If only she’d stuck to what she’s good at: crooning country tunes in cut-off denim shorts. (Okay, maybe just the cut-off denim shorts part, then.) The same goes for you this week–if you’re trying to seduce someone, don’t strain a brain cell figuring out some new and novel approach. Instead, focus on your strengths, whether that’s telling a joke, writing a poem or doing a little jig in cut-off denim shorts.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The means of seduction determines the end. A trite thought, perhaps, but we can’t all be as quirky and clever as you Capricorns. You are quirky and clever in your seductions, too, and that attracts the most unusual mates. If you’d like something a bit more white-bread for a change, try acting more normal.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Make like Olivia Newton John this week and get physical. That’s not code for “have sex” (though knockin’ boots can provide a good cardiovascular workout). No, we really mean get off your bum and get moving, whether at the gym, in a park or up a mountain. You may not meet the person of your dreams at any of these places, but at least when you eventually do, your ass will look great.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’ve heard it all before: “Life is short. Seize the day. You only get one shot, so live it to the fullest. No regrets!” But have you really listened? It’s hard to keep the big picture in mind when you’re bogged down with the disappointments, conflicts and embarrassments of the day-to-day. But you don’t want to be on your deathbed, right before that light goes out, and suddenly be struck by the awful existential question, “What if?” Chances are, at that point you’ll be less concerned with the fact that forty years earlier you made an ass of yourself by taking a chance and confessing your true feelings to the one you love. There’s even a chance they’ll be by your bedside holding your hand at the end. (Sniffle, sniffle.)