photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
When you’re crushing hard, it’s easy to become a malleable, mushy ball of over-accommodation, compromised values, muted opinions and general obsequiousness. In other words, it’s easy to lose yourself. Don’t be all, “Um, sure honey, I’d love to go seal clubbing with you,” after you’ve just gotten your Green Peace member card. Don’t say, “Okay, I’ll dress up in a tutu and a Reagan mask, whatever turns you on,” when your kink definitely leans toward the left. As Polonius said in Hamlet, “This above all: to thine own self be true, / And it must follow, as the night the day / Thou canst not then be false to any man.” But then again, Polonius was an idiot who ended up dead.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Fatal Attraction. Unfaithful. The End of the Affair. The English Patient. The World According to Garp. The season of 90210 when Kelly and Dylan got busy behind Brenda’s back . . . Okay class, what have we all learned from these classics? Secret affairs equal disaster, yes, that’s right. Sure, some of the sex scenes are really hot and steamy . . . at first. But ruined relationships, boiled bunnies, castrated members and dead-in-the-water acting careers do not a happy sex life make.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We always thought it was the married ones who got all the attention (i.e. people automatically want what they can’t have). But this week, it’s the wedlocked who are into you. Enjoy the flattery, take advantage of the attention, get a couple free drinks out of it. But put yourself in their spouse’s place before you commit to anything more than a peck on the cheek.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You can’t complain that you “never meet anyone appropriate in bars” if you’re looking for a teetotal life partner: if you walk on the wild side, you’ll be hanging with the wild children. Fortunately, we happen to think that that’s just what you need right now. Do whatever it is you do to let your hair down–drink at a dive bar, catch an eleven p.m. movie instead of the seven o’clock showing, karaoke till dawn or perhaps just go out with bedhead–and you’ll find like-minded souls a-plenty. Perhaps you should consider sleeping with one of them.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You know that self-helpy cliché, “You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself?” It’s a fave of Oprah’s. While we wince at the thought of administering any love/lust guidance that might appear verbatim on the Queen of Talk’s TV show, we do think that special person in your life, the one closest to your heart, the one you know better than anyone else–yes, we’re talking about you, Einstein–is in need of a little more self love (define “self love” however you see fit). Again, before you can dish it, you should be able to take it–it makes things go more smoothly in the bedroom once you get someone else in there.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don’t take on more than you can handle when it comes to love. You may feel like a John Deere, but your relationship hasn’t reached farm-truck status yet. If you try to take on too much cargo you’ll end up with a flat tire, three hundred miles from the nearest tow-truck. And wouldn’t that suck?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Prepare to be sexually distracted this week. Summer lovin’ is in full swing and you’re burning up. For those times you really can’t give yourself a helping hand, just think, “Cold showers, baseball stats and Sesame Street.” Otherwise, don’t hold back. The office bathroom, the kitchen table, the backseat of the cab are all fair game, whether you’re with that special someone or just by yourself.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t assume that your stunning good looks and behind-the-back shot on the pool table are enough to lure a potential partner. Believe it or not, they’re actually interested in what’s going on inside your head. (And not in that gross, closing-scene-of-Hannibal kind of way.) Speak up! They’ll be charmed. And your pool skills will be icing.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Things that you can slow down: the way you eat, the way you drive, the way you talk, the way you jump to conclusions. Things you can’t slow down: public transportation, the way you pee, Andy Roddick’s serve, the pace of your love life. You’re going to have to make decisions faster than a center court player if you don’t want to end up a big fat loser–uh, runner-up.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’re pretty damn convincing when you use your head. And no, we don’t mean that special head-butt maneuver you learned from Animal House (though that has been “convincing” in the past). You’re going to have to think outside the box this week to get your partner to see things your way. We’re talking seriously out of the box. Like, Transformers-style. “Robots in disguise! More than meets the eye!” Be the robot.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
As Roy Orbison sang, “Anything you want, you got it.” Pursue your sexual fantasy this week; it can only strengthen your relationship. Unless you’re not in a relationship and your sexual fantasy involves your best friend’s grandparents, in which case you might want to stay home and live vicariously through old Orbison LPs.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The key to every successful relationship is compromise. You’ve got to give up a little to get a lot more; you’ve got to learn to let some things go to get other things in return. Of course, if you could care less about a successful relationship, you can afford to say stupid things like, “It’s either my way or the highway” while chewing your dip and drinking your forty in a padded baseball cap and a wife-beater. But we think you’ve graduated to a new class of interpersonal relations.