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Confession: I Don’t Do Handjobs

Wed, Aug 26, 2009

Confessions, Personal Post

handjobphoto by permanently scatterbrained

Our contributor Abby Spector, who is double-majoring in English and Feminine/Gender/Sexuality Studies at Wesleyan University, has a confession to make:

I consider myself a sexual adventurer. As a bisexual who has posed naked for photographers, enjoys threesomes, and has a collection of vibrators, I think I deserve the label. However, there is one sexual act I refuse to partake in: handjobs.

For years I struggled trying to perfect my phallus-massaging abilities. Touching peen is only the first foot on third base (with oral being a whole body slide). We are taught that we have to run the diamond in base order. No skipping allowed. Five bruised penises later, I have learned how to stand up for myself. I look men in all three of their eyes and tell them the truth. “I, Abby Spector, will never give you a handjob.”

Playing doctor as kids has implanted in our heads the “I’ll touch yours if you touch mine” philosophy. This sounds nice. It is a sharing of pleasure. Barney would be proud. But the fact is, there is no “sharing” involved. Handjobs require an extreme level of focus. Even if a magical vibrator went off inside me, when I’m concentrating on a schlong, it is impossible for me to be pleasured.

It’s important to note that fingering and handjobs are not on par with one another. There are hundreds of ways to pleasure a woman using only the hands. She can be tickled externally, massaged along her inner wall, or, if you are both feeling risque (and well-lubed), fisted. It isn’t always about reaching the ultimate O. Fingering is just about feeling good. Sadly, feeling good is easy to fake. Guys, on the other hand, have a more obvious on and off switch. They either climax or they don’t. From what I can tell, there isn’t as much room for in-between. Partners are left jerking the salami until Ol’ Faithful erupts. If he doesn’t, we are left feeling guilty, ashamed or sub-par with our handjob abilities.

Now, this philosophy is juvenile. I understand that relationships focused on communication and honesty would be able to work through handjob dysfunction. But in my experience, by the time that you get to that level of comfort, there are other, far more satisfying sexual acts you can partake in. Handjobs are the domain of near-strangers in the corners of dark bars or awkward teenagers in corners of school dances.

I was one of those awkward teenagers. His name was Alex. He rode a skateboard, listened to Led Zeppelin, and had shaggy blond hair. In other words, he was my tween wet-dream. That is, until he took my hand and slid it down his pants (a disrespectful action that deserves its own post). I was shocked. How was I supposed to maneuver this thing? For fifteen minutes I tried to finish what he started. I failed and Alex never called. I was not shocked.

After Alex came Josh, Tom, Bob, and Elijah.* Came is a bad word choice. In the Biblical sense, no seed was spilled. My arms would get sore, my hands would cramp, and my level of arousal would take a nose-dive. “This is the first time I’ve done this,” I would whisper. It was a blatant lie. I was embarrassed. Feigning inexperience seemed more appealing than the truth.

I am not a quitter, but this handjob business was too much to handle. I began asking my male friends their opinions. The answer was unanimous — men said that they were better at jerking themselves off then allowing a companion to complete the deed. Sure, most of them liked having visitors down below, but reaching blast-off because of a woman’s handjob abilities was a rarity.

Now, contrary to my findings, this site’s Wise Guys all came down in favor of a helping hand. Perhaps this is because my polling sample is ten to fifteen years younger then these Wise Guys. The majority of my pollees are un-Wise Boys who jack off twice a day. Chances are that when they hook up with a girl, it will stop after innocent petting. Therefore, the petting better be pretty fucking incredible. I was far from incredible.

Which is why I swore off handjobs. I didn’t need them. And from what I heard, they didn’t need me either.

*Names have been changed.

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16 Responses to “Confession: I Don’t Do Handjobs”

  1. sugarmag Says:

    I guess what I don’t understand is why a hand job has to lead to orgasm for the guy. So he wants you to touch him because it is exciting for him, it does not mean that you have to keep doing it until he comes, right? Because that part could be just the beginning.

  2. KB Says:

    yeah, I’m with sugarmag. why does this have to be the only thing you do? why not use it as a warm-up, which is what tends to happen with his hands on me anyway. Or why not you start, and let him finish? yeah, I agree, just pump pumping away til he’s done sounds awful. but frankly, if that’s the kind of guy you’re dating, the problem isn’t handjobs.

  3. Conrad Says:

    It doesn’t. Handjobs don’t even have to be sexual. I just enjoy having my wifes hand on my penis while driving, or watching a movie. In the same way that I often do it myself. It’s relaxing, and not a sexual thing to me. It can easily become sexual, but the intent isn’t to get off.

  4. Slartibartfast Says:

    Add my voice to the chorus of Sugarmag, KB and Conrad. Manual attention opens the gate to a panoply of possibilities. Pressure, speed and style can all be varied to wonderful effect and there’s no law that it has to be ‘happy ending.’ In fact, it makes a great segue to other activities and I usually prefer it as an hors d’oeuvre rather than an entree.

  5. Rei Says:

    I touch my husband down there all throughout the day; it builds a great anticipation for later that night ;)

  6. james Says:

    I like it very much when my GF slids and keeps her hand warm and cozy against my hard penis.

    I agree with the gang here, that in itself is the goal, to keep close, it is like holding hands, makes you feel close to your loved one, but in the same way holding hands does not have to lead to your significant other leading you to the bed room , her keeping of her had in my pants does not have to lead to handjob/masturbation thing.

    Unless you both are in a bedroom, ready to have sex, and you slip into his pants, get him hard, and then decide to walk away, I do not see amny correlation between holding his penis inside his pants and a handjob.

  7. Abby Says:

    Hey ya’ll-
    I agree. Everyone likes to be touched. However, younger folks these days are awkward, confused and under pressure. Sadly, communication is not always high on their to-do list. It is widely believed that handjobs HAVE to end in explosion. Those are the kind of handjobs I am vetoing. Casual and comfortable petting with someone I love? Sure! I’m just not there yet. So for now, I am giving up on pump-pump-pumping. I’ll just go to the gym for my work out.

    -abby

  8. Heather Says:

    Speaking as a 19 year old, communication does lack for those who just jump into the sexual parts of relationships. We think its awkward and we want them to think we know what we are doing, even if we don’t. But, I have never given a handjob with the intent to make them cum. It has always been the beginning for me.

  9. Katie Says:

    I’ve only given a full-on handjob once–the guy was pretty clear that’s what he wanted (he was saving sex for marriage). obvi lube really helps. I didn’t think it was that difficult to make him cum (this was my first sexual experience of any kind), but he was actually shocked when I was able to do it! I always joke that’s why you want a girl who weight lifts because she has the stamina to finish it out–scrawny arms aren’t good for much when it comes to sex ;) I totally wouldn’t mind doing it again but I think most guys don’t object when a girl jumps straight to oral and just uses her hands as accessories. And, it seems like a lot of guys automatically assume a girl would suck at giving a “full” hand job.

  10. Leigh Olivia Says:

    Register a hearty ‘disagree!’ over this way. it sounds like everyone is not giving the penis nearly enough credit as a complex sexual organ. yeah, i know, all the stand-up comics would have us believe that men’s bits and pieces are about as complicated as a self-adhesive postage stamp, but come on…that’s not really so, is it? sure, sometimes a guy is in the mood for jackhammering pump-pump-pumping as you put it, but how many guys really only want jackhammer vaginal, anal or oral intercourse? plenty of gentler, non-arm-cramping motions can be super for guys (i’m basing this on feedback, not having the requisite equipment myself) and lead to an orgasm just fine, in my experience.

  11. figleaf Says:

    I sort of held off waiting to hear other people’s comments before leaving my own. But based on what’s been said so far I think the big surprise ought to be where people (who haven’t tried it) ever got the idea handjobs for men are easy. And please don’t worry about it or feel dumb for not knowing — you’re so not the only one it’s not funny.

    I think it’s sort of a natural mistake. Very young men can be pretty quick to ejaculate, and unless I’m really mistaken handjobs are most common really early in sexual relationship formation. Conversely handjobs fall out of favor pretty quickly once men, and their partners, begin to add penetrative acts to their repertoire. Add in the mistaken observation that if he can rub one out in a minute or two then it ought to be easy for her. (Most men, if you think about it, take months and even years to figure out how to do it the first time too!)

    Yes, there are men for whom handjobs are easy and rewarding, and there are women for whom it comes naturally. But out of all the times I’ve had sex with partners I can think of only one or two times that someone managed to find the right spots, and the right rhythms, and had the interest, and the stamina, to get me all the way off — and not just warm me up — with just her hands.

    That said, if you’ve actually been bruising your partner? Back off! There are some (not most) kinksters that might work for but even though almost all men like firmer pressure than most women would, but if you’re being rough enough to leave marks you’re also being *way* too rough to get him off. Point being “try harder next time” is *not* the solution to every problem! :-)

    figleaf

  12. figleaf Says:

    Complete aside: Ooh do I hate those little automatic smiley-conversions! As research at Carnage Mellon demonstrated in the early 1980s, the use of emotion-carrying icons is important to disambiguate light-heartedness from intentional snark in text. But that doesn’t mean we need to blow them up into bright yellow comics to get the point across. End of rant. Um. Colon/hyphen/closed-paren. :-) -fl

  13. figleaf Says:

    Doh! And if it’s not clear I’m agreeing with Abby about why there are easier ways to get someone off. What started out as a simple comment turned into its own post. Apologies. And last comment.

    figleaf

    p.s. :-)

  14. Candice Says:

    Mega cool! I’m good at something that girls are rarely good at! I’m not naturally dextrous, so I’m suprised. I read up a lot of stuff online before trying and “worked” with my boyfriend to discover what he liked. Cool! Cool! Cool!

  15. papertiger Says:

    Strangely, handjobs are the only thing I’m ambidextrous at. It’s very useful when one arm gets tired; the other can take over. That being said, I don’t know if I’m particularly good or bad at them. My boyfriend has taken over the job near the end quite a few times, and it’s understandable. You can only wait so long when it’s so much easier to do it yourself. I don’t much mind that he does it for himself. It just means that I can do the same when the roles are reversed. I have to say that I am a fan of giving hand jobs, as far as a sex thing where it’s about my partner goes.

  16. james Says:

    I woul not mind, and I would enjoy a handjob very much. I think the point in here is not if it is an ejoyable practice, I am sure the girl enjoys giving a handjob ( those that do like giving it ) as well as the guy enjoys feeling her soft hands on his body.
    The issue in this article, I think, is that the guy seems to have been annoyed or dissappointed at the girl because apparently she could not bring him to cum.
    That would be a very ummature guy, to act in that manner. One thing is a man, and another a boy, so girls, you have to understand that fact.
    A man would never be pissed just because his GF could not make him cum through a handjob. That is laughable.


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