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Dear Em & Lo: My Vibrator Doesn’t Kiss or Cuddle

Wed, Aug 19, 2009

Advice, Dear Em & Lo

empty_bedphoto by Ciaran_McGuiggan

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a 24-year-old woman who hasn’t had sex in 4 years, 10 months, 15 days, 5 hours, 51 minutes…well, you get the idea. I had my first boyfriend when I was twenty and it lasted for four months. He was my first sexual partner, and as of today, my last.

I have had a vibrator since I was 12, and it has been a great tool to get me off, but also to discover what I like. Using a vibrator has not made me numb, in fact, it has made me more sensitive, and I had at least one orgasm, if not more, per sex session with my ex. We broke up because of personality issues…he didn’t have one.

Fast forward to now, and it’s been a very looooong time since I’ve had sex or any sexual intimacy with a man. Just my vibrator. But it’s not doing it for me anymore. Every time I use it, I do orgasm, but it feels so empty and unfulfilling, even if I use a dildo. Sure, it gets rid of the horniness, but I unplug it, put it back into its drawer, and lie in bed. Alone. Plainly speaking, I miss having a penis inside me and the big manly arms holding me. I also miss kissing and cuddles. I miss the smell of a man, burrowing my fingers into his hair, his hot breath on my neck that sends chills down my back…BUT I digress.

I’m not into one-night stands, or “friends with benefits” (even if I did have male friends, who weren’t gay). I want a boyfriend to be intimate with, to feel comfortable with and to explore our bodies together. But because of my weight (I’m 100 lbs overweight), I feel extremely unattractive and I know that men my age think I’m ugly because of it. According to the opposite sex, I’m invisible.

So, I’m asking, what can I do to “help myself” until I either find the right guy who likes me for the way I look or lose enough weight to be considered attractive? How do I scratch this damned itch that only a penis attached to a warm human body can scratch? Keep in mind that it might take another four years, which at that time I should just join a freakin’ nunnery, to be in a relationship.

Thank you,
Sick of Playing Solitaire

Dear SOPS,

Wow, that’s a toughie. If there was a vibrator that kissed, cuddled, breathed on your neck, and wrapped its big manly arms around you, then we’d be selling it on our site (for a very reasonable markup, honest!). That said, a super-sized, heavy-breathing, groping silicone dong sounds like the stuff that B-movie horror flicks are made of. Attack of the 50-Foot Dildo, anyone? Not exactly the kind of intimacy you’re looking for — even science fiction can’t help you here.

So you need to find a way to make sex with your vibrator feel a little more real (rather than Real Doll). Which means you’re going to have to up the ante on your fantasy life. You do have a fantasy life, right? Because if you don’t, this would be a very good time to start. It’s very easy — especially with the super-powered vibrators available today — to lie back and let your Original Magic Wand (nee Hitachi) do all the heavy lifting. After all, it’s almost impossible not to have an orgasm with one of those babies — even if your mind wanders and you start to think about what you could whip up for dinner using last night’s leftovers. But fantasizing will give you a whole different kind of orgasm — it’s a way of tricking your mind (not to mention your genitals) into thinking that you’re actually having hot monkey sex with a partner who smells so good you want to bury your face in his hair.

1) Read erotic fiction. There are literally thousands of anthologies out there. Try Sweet Life 2: Erotic Fantasies for Couples by Violet Blue, or Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories or Tasting Her: Oral Sex Stories, both by Rachel Kramer Bussel. Or read romance novels! Or the dirty parts of Anne Rice novels (or better yet, novels by her smutty alter-ego, A.N. Roquelaure). Whatever floats your little man in the boat.

2) Write erotic fiction. Instead of counting down exactly how many seconds it’s been since you’ve had sex, why not write down some of your more memorable sexual experiences from four years ago? Feel free to embellish! In fact, this is fiction: Why not write a short story about a hot one-night stand with Jon Gosselin? (Kidding…but we’re sure you don’t need help coming up with your own fantasy hottie.) If the idea of fiction gives you writer’s block, then just write a dirty letter to someone real or imaginary — no need to mail it, of course!

3) Watch porn. It’s not for everyone — and who knows, it may only exacerbate your desire for intimacy — but it’s got to be worth a try. Check out our recent post on five types of porno for ladies to try.

4) Don’t take yourself for granted. We know that after a dozen years of regular masturbation, you’re a pretty sure thing, but that doesn’t mean you don’t still need seducing every now and then. Click here for our recent post about getting yourself in the mood. And yes, we’re talking about candlelight.

5) Join an online dating site to “window shop,” heh. Sure, you might not be ready to get back into the dating game yet, but there’s no reason why you shouldn’t browse the dating sites for a little fantasy material. For some PG-rated window-shopping, Match.com will be all you need. But if you’re up for exchanging some saucy emails with a beautiful stranger, try a site like AdultFriendFinder.com. Just be clear that you’re only looking for dirty talk (or dirty text…) so you’re not leading anyone on.

We can’t promise that any of this will replace a real-life penis (with a man attached attached), but at least it’ll spice up your masturbation routine until said man does come along. Speaking of: We don’t know where you got the idea that all men your age think you’re ugly because of your weight, but we think you should try to prove yourself wrong. You know those dating sites we were talking about — Match.com, we mean, not AdultFriendFinder — well, we think you should give it a shot. Sure, you might feel invisible in a nightclub where skinny jeans and superficial judgments rule the day, but online, everyone gets a shot at a first impression.

Keep on buzzing,

Em & Lo

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10 Responses to “Dear Em & Lo: My Vibrator Doesn’t Kiss or Cuddle”

  1. Rei Says:

    Learn the healthy lifestyle, and stick to it, do not make it a ‘diet’ or you will fall off the wagon. Being healthy and eating right drops pounds off and makes you more confident, and that aura you will have will catch the eye of one attractive man, and you’ll have a date in no time!! You just need patience, self image love, and dedication for success!!

  2. Ally Says:

    OMG, I’m totally with you on ALL of this.
    For me, it’s going to be 2 years of no sex and I feel like I’m ready to explode. I’m a university student and my first sexual encounter was with this guy friend that unfortunately left because he was on an exchange program. So our lovely “friends with benefits” relationship was cut short… What a shame!
    Oh well, all I can say is patience and of course, the first step is loving and taking care of yourself (a bit like what Rei has just written).

  3. Dave W Says:

    I can only guess why you recommended match.com, and not one of the sites with your original spot-on profile questionnaire. Fastcupid is the umbrella site nowadays. Probably still the best for eliciting actually interesting profiles – or attracting interesting people. Can even view full-size pics with free membership.

  4. Lady Tarrant Says:

    Wow. And I though I was the only girl who went years during her early twenties without getting laid (3yrs to be precise). I know how such yearning for intimate human contact can eventually become almost physically painful. It was a horrible time not just because of what it was doing to my poor body, but my ego as well. Although, kudos to you SOPS, for being comfortable enough to have a good relationship with your vibrator. I must admit life would have been easier for me if I had that kind of familiarity with myself to be comfortable enough to masturbate. Kudos, chickie!

    Don’t let yourself be convinced that you won’t be able to get a guy because of your weight. That’s simply not true. I was (am) a size 2, and for the life of me couldn’t find a decent enough guy to get dirty with. I saw many girls much bigger than me smooching with their respective men while I was cursing my ineptness at flirting. The internet dating websites are a great idea. I tried them out for a summer, and although I didn’t make any love connections, it did give my fantasy life one hell of a kick. There’s a ton of material on those profiles to use in your fantasy land. And because you can play out sweet and sexy scenarios about meeting this guy or that guy for the first time and being seduced into a puddle ecstasy, it’s really easy to get lost in your new mental playland. And lastly, it can be an ego boost. When a guy starts talking to you, even if you’re not interested in him, you can no longer tell yourself that no one notices or is interested in you.

    I’m not saying don’t lose the weight if that’s what you want to do (a healthy lifestyle is sexy in its self), but instead I’m trying to say that confidence can go a lot further than just a pretty smile. Just think of what you could do with both!

    Oh, and you might want to check out ‘Closet Land’. It’s beautifully, disturbingly erotic.

  5. alex Says:

    Well.. I agree that confidence is one of the most important things in landing a man, plenty of very, VERY overweight girls have found love because they’ve been aggressive enough to get out there and take it. BUT if your weight is that much of an obstacle, and you feel so unattractive, I’d say you should try out one of those “BBW/BHW” sites where people who ARE attracted to bigger women seek out relationships. You might find a guy who finds your size amazingly beautiful, and you’d probably gain some self-confidence knowing you have someone that finds you neither ‘unattractive’ nor ‘invisible.’

  6. T. Flowers Says:

    well i after reading this i felt i had to comment on it because reading it made me kind of sad for SOPS. I feel that it made me sad because i am also 100 lbs over weight but i love myself and i feel like SOPS doesnt love herself. Girl its all about how you carry yourself, fake it till you make it. Thats what i did and i got guys all over me. lol. If you think you are beautiful and you are wanted and you keep that mindset you will feel beautiful and wanted and you will eventually be beautiful and wanted. It is hard at first, cause you feel like youre lyin to yourself but you arent, every woman has beauty its all about making it work for you. Yeah you have a few extra pounds, so what? Find a man who loves that youre overweight, not a creep, but someone who appreciates that, cause there are guys who do, and you will be amazed at what they want to do for and to you. And also to go with the fake it till you make it, not every man is gonna be the man for you, but if they wanna make you cum along the way, theres no sense in letting that go to waste. lol. So until you find the right one let the rest work for you.

  7. Joe Says:

    I agree that over weight might be a problem but its personal. If you feel you should do something, then do it for you, not for anyone else. You must be beautiful for yourself, love yourself and keep your standards. A man wants a woman who is in touch with herself. Someone will love the person you are inside.

  8. Jenn Says:

    I think that the lack of attention from men is more about the confidence that you project than your weight per se. For example, my sister is probably more overweight than you but she is just comfortable with yourself. She is funny, beautiful and charming. And she always has guys after her. People are attracted to confidence in other people. If you are giving off a vibe that you are not good enough for a guy or that you are lonely or desperate, guys will run fast in the other direction. If on the other hand, you show them that they would be lucky if they got you because you are great and you know it, you will be surprised by how many guys will be pursuing you. There are many men out there that like plus sized girls. But most people, men and women, like a partner that is secure and confident in themselves. If you can work on doing that, then you will be well on your way to finding someone who agrees with you on how awesome you are.

  9. ally Says:

    I recommend you get your hands on the book “Lessons from the Fat-o-Sphere” by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby, and read the chapter on relationships. It’s a little disheartening to me that the response to SOPS focused so much on masturbation tips, and so little on working on learning to love your body. Wanting a partner’s totally valid, and fuck waiting to lose weight before trying to find one.

    You can also read Kate Harding at Shapely Prose- she has a post pretty related to this question here: http://kateharding.net/2008/05/05/ask-aunt-fattie-how-can-a-fat-woman-find-love/

  10. Emelina Denoia Says:

    I wanted to make an impression at a family reunion and bear in mind the names of all of the new husband’s family members. There was one gent whom I’d asked his name and tried incredibly to remember but failed repeatedly. Finally he bailed me out and said his name was Dick. Without a thought I quickly said, “Gosh, how could I forget? You *look* like a ‘Dick’!!!”


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