photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Driving anywhere outside of New York City, if you want to change lanes, you signal, check for an opening, make sure the other driver has seen you and then carefully move over, all the while maintaining a steady speed. For decades, drivers have found that this leads to a harmonious, crash-free driving experience. In New York, on the other hand, your “signal” is to start edging into the next lane, and instead of checking that the other driver has seen you, you just honk really loudly. Sounds like hell, right? You should see the road rage. This week, if you’re thinking of getting into a more serious relationship, think of it like lane-sharing: you could do it like New Yorkers, or you could do it like the rest of the world. Which do you think is better? (It’s not a trick question.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
According to the stars, “a one-on-one relationship will be too confining for you this week.” If you’ve been waiting for an astrological go-ahead for a three-way, this is it, baby. Three’s your magic number! But if a Jane and Dick and Jane (or Dick and Dick and Dick) scenario isn’t your thing, then we suggest you spend the time in the company of some good friends. You can hit the sheets again next week, when your one-on-one mojo will be back in working order.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
At some point this week, you may suddenly find yourself singing, “I can’t fight this feeling anymore.” We have our fingers crossed for you that this urge strikes you in the shower, but we can’t make any promises. You shouldn’t, though. Fight this feeling, that is. Tell the world (and one person in particular) exactly how you feel–in song and dance, if need be.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
It’s like that old Leiber & Stoller song “Is That All There Is?” . . . “If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing. Let’s break out the booze and have a ball, if that’s all there is.” Well, that’s all there is for now, so tie one on and seriously get down this week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Normally we hate to resort to clichés when it comes to telling your horoscope (ahem). But this week, nothing says it better: getting laid will be like shooting fish in a barrel, as long as you get out of your La-Z-Boy and interact with a few people. And hey, if you’re really that lazy, we know a phone number or two you could call to get laid right in that comfy ol’ chair.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Relationships need jealousy like they need 69′s, double-dates and “let’s talk about where this relationship is headed” conversations–in moderation.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Resist the temptation to send your sweetheart flowers, tattoo their name on your butt, sky-write a marriage proposal or build a secret voodoo shrine with red candles, bird talons, Xeroxed copies of their face and lots of goat’s blood. There’s a fine line between enthusiasm and stalking; don’t cross it this week. ‘Cause if you ever watch Lifetime, then you know: stalkers never win.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sometimes looking back to find your future and giving love (and old lovers) a second chance works. Sometimes living in the past just keeps you from moving ahead. It depends on the movie. The first would be something like Grosse Point Blank, while the second would be our old stand by, Swingers. This week, you’re in Swingers.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Put old lovers out of your mind and move onto bigger and better things. If the new things aren’t bigger and better, lie and tell your old lovers that they are anyway.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t take no for an answer this week. Unless, of course, the person you’re pursuing says “no.” In which case, you have to take it, duh. In fact, if someone says “no” you should always oblige. What we mean is, just ’cause one of them says “no,” doesn’t mean they all will.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If you’re not with someone who’s got their head in the game (or at least between your thighs), start thinking about trading players.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Spontaneity will win you friends-with-potential. So will picking up the tab.