photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Can you keep a secret? Neither can we. And that clandestine secret affair you’ve been planning/having/dreaming about isn’t really safe with anyone. Consider this: Is anything worth doing if you can’t be open and honest about it? Wethinks with secrets, come lies. (Hey wait, isn’t that a movie?)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s an old self-help adage: stress doesn’t happen to you, it’s something that you create. Sure, bad stuff happens, and things don’t always go the way you’d like. (For instance, the people whose thighs you’d like to use as earmuffs don’t always want that honor–go figure.) But how you choose to react to those things is entirely up to you. You could sit home alone and sulk; you could get piss-drunk and make one more attempt at being Dionysian sex god on the phone at 3 a.m.; or you could channel your frustrations into creating some kind of art, or at least into having a nice dinner with your friends . . . who happen to bring along that new person from their office . . . who happens to be a hottie with nice eyes and thighs with good earmuff potential.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This week you will walk around wearing that vague, glassy look common to those afflicted with puppy love (or by an addiction to prescription drugs). Some people may find this annoying. We think it’s quite charming. Don’t let anyone snap you back to reality until you’re good and ready to come back; the others are just jealous they’re not in your happy place.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
When it rains, it pours. You’re either in a draught with no puddle in sight, or you’ve got so many partners falling from the sky it’s impossible to choose. Yeah, we agree: we’d take rainy weather any day. And it looks like you’ve got heavy clouds rolling in. Just take your time and be selective about which raindrops you want to feel on your tongue. And wear your rubbers!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We know that this summer has been long and slow and dry for most of you Leos out there (at least, it has been for those few Leos who wrote in and tried to blame it on bad horoscoping). But things are about to change! The stars have decided to take it easy on you. Way easy. In fact, the toughest decision you’ll face this week is who most deserves to be dazzled with your charm and sprinkled with your body glitter. Wish we were there–send us a postcard!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Normally, hanging out with your co-workers means trying desperately to get drunk before happy hour ends, bitching about your boss’s new “sharing” policy, gossiping about the unusual photo that’s been circulating the office via forwarded emails (starring Sharon from accounting and her vegetable garden), and hoping that by morning you’ll be ready to face it all over again. This week, however, that’s all about to change–a work-related event may lead to romance. Come on, a “maybe” is better than “when monkeys fly out your butt,” right?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
On the one hand, your horoscope says to get involved with fitness and sports activities. On the other, it says you will meet very artsy individuals. Is it us, or is there some kind of disconnect here? Doesn’t quite make sense, at least in our world view. But that’s the great thing about astrology: It doesn’t have to make sense. It just has to be.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ll be in the driver’s seat all week. And you may well receive head from the hottie in the passenger seat. Sometimes, life’s just that simple.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Isn’t it always the way? You’re horny, and everyone else around you isn’t. If only whining was an aphrodisiac. If only begging was sexy. If only you could nag people into submission. Until hell freezes over and that’s an actual option, ease up and just whack off.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
There’s a problem, you solve it. A job needs doing, you do it. Some pipe needs laying, you lay it. These are all very attractive qualities that will get you some nice attention this week. Of course, you’ll be too busy doing odd jobs to notice.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We know you’re hungry for a little somethin-somethin, but the only thing you’re gonna be fed this week is lines. Don’t bite. At least, not until you’ve taken your Pepcid AC, specially formulated for the love sick.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Your unusual little “quirks” will make you an “interesting” candidate when it comes to the game of love. In turn you will attract someone who is equally “unique” and “unusual.” Which is a nice way of saying: Freaks and geeks, 2together, 4ever!