photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Look, we know you’re right, as usual. But there are people who are just going to want to argue with you this week; they’re going to wind you up, spin you around and leave you dazed and confused. Don’t feed the animals.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re one of those incredibly successful multi-taskers who has a full-time job, writes at least one novel a year (several of which are available on Amazon), volunteers at the old folks’ home, occasionally retreats to the woods for spiritual enlightenment and a landscape oil painting class, and never has to wipe their ass more than three times. This week, not only will you cure some disease, but in your “spare time” you’ll meet someone with real potential. People around you will grimace and pretend to be happy for you.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you are fun-loving and playful you will have your pick; if you are controlling you will lose out. We don’t see why everyone has such a problem with control freaks. Where do they think they’d be without the control freaks? Just once we’d like to see all the control freaks sit on their asses for a week, so that all the lazy bums–oh, excuse us, all the fun-loving playful types–could see how little gets done. Nothing fun would be organized. No one would know where to meet. No one would be able to figure out how to split the tab. It would be anarchy, people, pure anarchy!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
So you want to settle down. So you want three kids. So you’re a dog person and you think it would be nice to get a poodle, say, two years before the first kid pops out. So you’re thinking: Thanksgiving with your parents, July 4th with your in-laws. So you’ve always wanted to take it up the butt. All things not to mention on the first date. Easy there, tiger.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You may be shy, but leaving your love life up to the balls of others isn’t working. This is your week to be the one who makes the move. Suck it up, step up, and ring them up. Yes, it will sting when you get rejected, but at least it will make the next time easier.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will make a strong and vital connection this week. You will feel the powerful attraction leaving you helpless. You will be in tune with this person and intuitively connected to his or her every thought. You are getting very sleepy. Your eyelids are feeling very heavy. You are drifting off. You are dozing . . . zzzzzz. When you wake up, on the count of three, you will do everything this horoscope tells you to do. You will tell all your friends to read their horoscope here, and only here, every week. You will send us nice gifts when your horoscope is a sunny one. You will not blame us when it is a cloudy one. One . . . two . . . three!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We imagine you’ll be sitting in a coffee shop when it happens: That accidental meeting so popular in romantic comedies, but so rare in real life. Until now. The conversation will be awkward, but only for the first few seconds, after which it will flow with the ease of a Hawaiian waterfall. You’ll be intrigued. You’ll sign up for more coffee. You’ll take it from there.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It’s a beautiful week for hottie hunting–there’s no way you can miss with your Cupid’s arrow. Ready, aim, fire! Just make sure you go out with more than a little white toga barely covering your tush.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t you hate it when terribly clever people say terribly unexpected things like “Your biggest sexual organ is… your brain”? Then they smile at you coyly, expecting some kind of facial reaction from you to confirm that they have indeed rocked your world. Damn pseudo-intellectual pop-psychologists. We wouldn’t dream of stooping to such pat drivel, but we will say that thinking before you speak could be the difference between playing with someone else’s other sexual organ and playing with yours alone.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You might call it “a leap of faith”; we prefer the term “blinded by lust.” Don’t get all high and mighty on us, trying to pretend like you’re jumping into this relationship because you suddenly believe in love at first sight. Remember, we know when the last time you got laid was. Our “stalker alert!” alarm bells have been ringing all week, and we think they’re ringing for you. So keep your pants on until you can be sure you’re not dealing with a bunny boiler. Or worse, someone who can’t locate the United States on a world map. (According to a recent survey, that’s seventeen percent of the population. That fact alone should be enough to scare your libido away for a good seven days.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ll be in a take-it-or-leave-it frame of mind this week. Don’t think for one minute that you won’t get another chance to find someone who will treat you better. Then again, don’t think for a minute that you can change your mind if your thinking was flawed. Take or leave wisely.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Oh, Pisces, be-have! Actually, don’t, we love it when you’re naughty like that. Most of all, we love your perspective: You don’t see a roomful of strangers at a party, you see a roomful of people you haven’t yet fucked. And you don’t feel sorry for the nerd in the corner talking to no one, you just think how much hotter they’d look between your thighs. But remember, like attracts like: If you morph overnight from sexual aggressor into clingy relationship-hound, chances are you won’t get breakfast in bed.