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Your Call: Do His Fantasies Mean He’ll Cheat?

Tue, Sep 22, 2009

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

women_undies_legsphoto by hyperscholar

Dear Em & Lo,
I’m a 23-year-old woman who has been in a relationship with my partner for over a year and a half. The sex is good, but I recently found out my partner fantasizes about other women he has seen whilst he has been out with me, or out on his own. How long is it until a guy takes it that step further? How long is it before the fantasy becomes a reality and they are in bed with the fantasy? I have a nice face, a sexy figure, big boobs, a nice bum, curves in all the right places (and have been told so by many men). So why does my boyfriend choose to fantasize over other women? What do they have that I don’t? After all, I am apparently the stereotypical male fantasy! And why can’t men understand that by doing this and telling their girlfriends they make them feel inadequate? Should I be with this guy?! Is this normal? I’d love to hear back from both guys and girls!
– Shipwrecked on Fantasy Island

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21 Responses to “Your Call: Do His Fantasies Mean He’ll Cheat?”

  1. SC Says:

    The best thing about a fantasy is that the person you imagine you are with always says and does exactly what you want them to. No worrying about how that person would actually act (or react) to get their own needs met. While fantasies often involve someone we find physically attractive (why not?) most of the time the actual fantasy has very little to do with looks.

  2. Evan Says:

    So many things…

    1) I fantasize about other women all the time. All The Time. I’m in a wonderful, committed relationship with a gorgeous woman. I’m able to have my fantasies, and tell her about them – which means that they become part of our relationship. Something that brings us together, rather than something that drives us apart. If you want him to never cheat, engage his fantasy life, encourage him to tell you what he wants and needs – and, if you’re lucky, if he ever feels like cheating he’ll tell you about it first!

    2) Unless he’s an asshole, in which case he’ll cheat either way. But those assholes are a lot less likely to tell you about their fantasies in the first place.

    3) I’m a lasagna – I’ve got fresh vegetables, great meat, melty cheese, and noodles in all the right places. Yet for some reason people still sometimes think about a hamburger. Or a salad. Or Pad Thai. Or a tomato sandwich. Or cookies. You get the idea.

    4) While you’re at it, work on having your own fantasies, too. Maybe eventually you can fantasize about your BF with another gal…

    5) All this openness to your partner’s dreamworld can only work if you’re 110% confident in yourself and your relationship. I can think about my gal with another guy and be ok with it – because I know she loves me, and that she’s not leaving me. I’m not threatened. This kind of trust only happens over time with the same person, and is awfully hard to achieve at 23. Be patient and open and you’ll be fine.

  3. kb Says:

    it is normal to fantasize, and doesn’t mean he’ll cheat. but it sounds from the letter like you don’t want to know names and specifics. That’s perfectly fine, and he should respect that. and also remember-he’s probably fantasizing about you sometimes when you’re apart. I don’t know-my rule has always been “what’s between his ears in not my business unless he wants to make it mine, but what he does is”. so tell him you don’t want to know.

  4. Conrad Says:

    Ugh. Why are we all so stupid about sex? Everytime I hear one of these stories, or read questions about masturbation being cheating, I die a little inside.

  5. TS Says:

    If my past boyfriends ever found out about the fantasies I’ve had about movie stars, guys on the street and even my boyfriends’ friends, I probably would have been dumped a thousand times over. And I’m a woman!

    Of course, it feels lousy to imagine the person we love fantasizing about gettin’ their groove on with someone else. But until he or she starts pursuing someone else, there’s nothing to worry about.

    Another thing. No one is the hottest person on the planet, not even Angelina Jolie. No matter how scrumptious you are, there are always other gorgeous specimens our partners will drool over. The sooner we accept this, the more comfy we can be in our relationships.

  6. Elizabeth Says:

    I really don’t think there is anything wrong with fantasies, or sharing them if you and your partner are into it. It doesn’t mean he’s going to cheat. However, if you don’t want to hear about it, tell him so. Personally, I am okay with hearing about my guys’ fantasy girls every once in awhile (Unless it’s Eva Mendes… For some reason, that one just gets my goat). But there is nothing wrong with not wanting to. Tell him you would rather pretend he only fantasizes about you and ask him not to tell you anymore. And you shouldn’t worry about it!

    *Side Note: If your man is a complete asshole, he probably will take that fantasy into reality, but you are the only one who could possibly know if he’s that kind of guy. If you are worried for other reasons than just the fantasies, then there might be something there.

  7. melinda Says:

    Men fantasize about other women because they are mysterious. He knows what you look like naked. But when he thinks about other women he can let his imagination run wild. After all men are just big (perverted) kids.
    honestly i would be more worried about it if he wasnt having fantasies. lets face it, men dont want to have sex with the same woman for ever. and if its not happening in his fantasies, it must be happening in real life.

  8. Frank Says:

    While I don’t think men are “just big (perverted) kids,” I think Melinda has a great point. Men fantasize largely out of a sense of the unknown. Cosby has a great bit about the “faceless woman” pubescent boys dream about, and it’s the mystery that makes it so alluring. So long as the fantasy is about the unknown element, rather than a continuous fantasy about a specific person, I see it as a healthy way of expressing the inevitable lusty libido. When you spend all your time fantasizing about a specific other person, you may want to consider why that person is on your mind so much.

  9. Rei Says:

    Women dream of the hot Italian man rubbing them down with oil on a breezy beach all the time; Fantasies, a man’s or a woman’s keeps things hot in a relationship. No one should be afraid of their partner’s fantasies, unless it involves children, animals, or human waste ;)

  10. Elizabeth Says:

    Rei – I hear some people are into that human waste thing. It’s a bit too kinky for my taste (or just unsanitary, really)… but I don’t think we should really knock that one. If it’s safe and consensual of course. It goes a lot with some extreme BDSM.

    I have to say though – I would feel significantly less threatened by my partner fantasizing about some non-existant buxom blonde giving him the perfect bj (The male equivalent to the fantasy you listed) than him talking about a real, live, flesh and blood woman he actually met. Fictional women shouldn’t really worry anybody, since, you know, they don’t exist. It’s not like he has the opportunity to hook up with her.

  11. Spes Says:

    I have to agree with Elizabeth. Personally I find it much, much easier to handle if the women are just figments of his imagination– No competition, no threat, no problem.

  12. Rei Says:

    Well, If your boyfriend/husband tells you about a fantasy he had with a woman he ran into (grocery store, bank, gas station, etc) Tell him you already had one with the cute guy at the car wash, the sexy waiter, the hot bartender. Take note of his reaction; if he squirms then you know it bothers him that you fantasized about another man; a double standard since he, and most guys think its always ok to think about other girls since, well, they are Guys! Talk about both your fantasies, and what is ok, and what bothers the both of you.

  13. Miriam Says:

    As long as he is telling you about it you (probably) have nothing to worry about. If he was going to cheat, he wouldn’t tell you about the women he was planning to cheat with.
    Just think about the fact that he is attracted to a lot of women, but chooses to be with you!

  14. Slightly Iniebriated Says:

    First off..the fact that you have to ask is kinda a pointer as to why he would fantasize. Guys fantasize about qualities that they or their significant other don’t posess( ie, boobs, butt, feet, hair length, way of speaking etc) Guys are also turned off by insecurity, conceitedness and worst of all poor hygeine in a woman. Julia Roberts with a crotch fro and hairy legs will make any dude puke. There are so many things to consider. You may be the”stereotypical man’s dream” but you attitude or the way you communicate may be making things worse. Also, we guys like decisiveness..not bitchiness..just know what you want when you want it.
    “what do you want to do tonight?”
    “I don’t know”
    “what do you want to eat tonight?”
    “I don’t know”
    “what do you want to wear tonight?”
    “I don’t know”
    “what movie do you want to see tonight?”
    “I don’t know”
    JESUS IT’S inFURIATING! Guys who are in love want what you want for the most part. We look to you to set the tones alot of the times so we don’t feel like we’re pushing our stuff down your throats, ya dig? So give an honest answer, and if you DON’T know, DECIDE and then tell him. Even if it’s something you think he might not be into, try it and talk about it. This may take some time, but the communication part is what’s important. Women that frustrate their men usually drive them off to bars, sports event or, worst case ..other women who DON’T have the quality in question. Again, talking about things is most important. And why does a guy have to be labled an asshole becuase he thinks about other women? That’s suck BS. You go eat peanut butter sandwiches everyday all day for a year and tell me how much you like peanut butter at the end of it. It’s completely natural to think about other women. Past lovers, future possibles (becuase we all do it…”the first 5 seconds…”)So, be easy, relax, go have some passionate sex with your man in a funky place(wierd, not dirty..lol) and keep him interested and guessin a lil. Not much, just a lil. We love a lil mystery, but not the kind that makes us want to check phone records..

  15. Broken Hearted Says:

    Ok people what if your boyfriend tells you he has fantasizes about one of your best girlfriends, then tells you he’s attracted to her and that she’s sexy! AND on top of that tells you he would like to have a threesome with her,what for the life of me would you do? {I’m very hurt and broken hearted] and my feelings have changed for him after 19 years of being together! I don’t even want him to touch me. HELP!

  16. Rei Says:

    ^Well, have your best girlfriend tell your boyfriend that he is one of the ugliest guys she’s ever seen. Make him think she would never ‘get’ with him (threesome) ever. And tell your boyfriend that you want to have a threesome with him, and his best buddy, because his best buddy makes you wet. See his reaction.

  17. Scorp Says:

    There’s an episode of King of Queens that covers this very topic. It’s pretty awesome, and spot on to the male (and female) pysche on this issue, I’d recommend searching for it and watching it.

    Yes, men fantasize, however, if he is fantasizing about someone else while engaging in sex with you, then you need to move on.

    If it is just in dreams or “personal time” then don’t sweat it. If you don’t want to hear about them, either tell him about your own fantasies, or tell him you don’t want to hear them. I’d personally rather not know who my wife fantasizes about. I don’t tell her either. :-) We’ve been married 21 years, and no cheating has taken place.

  18. Kevin Says:

    I don’t think just because he fantasizes means he’ll cheat. But you have to wonder what he fantasizes about and why. I’m sure you’re a very attractive woman, but if you’re no fun in the bedroom or as open minded as he is, then you may have a reason to worry. For instance, I once had a very attractive gf, who even though I would give her oral sex, and she loved it, but she wouldn’t return the favor. I put up with it for awhile but it finally made me feel like she wasn’t on the same page as I was. I was willing to do anything I could to please her and she didn’t feel the same. My advice to you is to just talk to him, ask him if it’s a mental thing or if he’s searching for something you’re not comfortable giving him. I hope this helps and good luck to you!

  19. Spes Says:

    Broken Hearted,

    Personally, I would a bit concerned. Granted it is natural and ‘normal’ for men and women fantasize about other people. The surge of euphoric feelings we tend to get from a new sexual encounter is something many crave, but since they are in a relationship it’s not something they can seek out in reality, hence an active fantasy life. However, when the fantasy’s begin to be very personal to someone close the person’s life, that can be dangerous–sometimes. Your man may indeed be truly attracted to your bestfriend and would make a move if you were not in the picture, but such may not be the case. He may be looking for novelty in your sex life and is looking to someone who you’re close to so that you would be comfortable with a threesome. In other words, may be he’s wanting a threesome and it’s not totally personal to her. Or maybe not. It sounds like you two need to talk. Calmly. He’ll never open up if he thinks you’re just going to bash his wants or if it’ll cause strife in your relationship.

  20. Madamoselle L Says:

    Hon, he’s a man, that’s what they DO. Hell, we’re women, it’s what WE do, (I’m surprised you don’t. You only, ONLY fantasize about him? I don’t get it.)

    A fantasy is just that. “Something that seems interesting when you are horny, that you probably don’t think about, or would even like to do, when in other circumstances.” OK, I made that up, but it fits. At least for me.

    Don’t worry, it isn’t a “sign” that he wants to cheat. Only that he has a healthy libido. If it bothers you, tell him NOT to share his fantasies with you anymore. Did you ASK what he thinks about? If so, don’t be upset when the answer ISN’T what you wanted it to be. Or did he OFFER to tell you? IF you asked, I’d advise you NOT to do that anymore. If you didn’t and he offered the fantasy, unasked, simply ask him not to tell you what he is thinking of.

    And, sweetie DON’T worry about it every time you have sex. It doesn’t matter, he’s WITH you. That’s what matters.

    The only thing that would cause you to worry is if you really made it clear you DON’T want to hear his fantasies, and he tells you anyway. That would be his being sadistic, (if he knows you don’t like it) and that IS a problem. Otherwise, what he thinks, in the privacy of his thoughts is only HIS business.

    Funny, because I REFUSE to tell my dh my fantasies, and he keeps asking. :) I think some things are best left untold.

  21. gemma Says:

    wut if its the same woman, and he has access to her , and they speak privately, and she has more status than me, should i be a lil concerned. i mean he only saves her messages and her sexy fotos, and has only has one foto of me, and im having his child in a couple weeks,, i feel weird confronting this matter, because i did already, if i keep bringing it up, i can seem like a nag. is it only a fantasy then or is it a mess waiting to erupt? am i being naive. i wish she was just a random girl but its the same stripper, and she sends him very personal fantasies of her own.

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