Comments on: Dear Em & Lo: Do My Kinky Fantasies Need Therapy?

By: Shanel

Shanel — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 19:31:10 +0000

There is nothing wrong with having sexual fantasies so long as you have a partner that understands exactly what you need and want and is willing to try. Just have a “safe word” or something so you can both be aware if one or the other is uncomfortable with the situation.

By: Bee

Bee — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 10:28:46 +0000

I have spent most of my life as an unsatisfied sub. I’ve been with various people who entertained the concept of BDSM but never took it further than a pat on the backside or some half hearted insults midway through coitus. One of my old friends had a similar problem, a while ago he split with his partner of two years because, even though he loved her dearly he was unsatisfied by her vanilla tastes and when she asked him to live with her he realised that he was only sexually satisfied by his very elaborate acts of sexual violence upon himself when alone and that he would have to abandon that. They ended their relationship and somehow he fell into a casual one with me. I became a switch, he still occasionally takes the literal and metaphorical reins in bed, but I tend to dominate him more. We are constantly telling each other how we are both more sexually satisfied than either of us have ever been. It’s really wonderful, really really wonderful, and we got engaged last month.

I respect him, he respects me; it’s just something we both find sexually exciting and fulfilling.

If you haven’t coaxed him with props or a bit of dirty talk in the first instance I think you should give it a go. My partner didn’t realise how unhappy he was hiding his real desires until he found someone he could be open about them with.
Perhaps you could explain to your partner that by submitting to him fully in the bedroom and asking him to dominate you you are demonstrating a level of trust and respect that many couples don’t experience.

Good luck with it.

By: kb

kb — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 03:42:13 +0000

and to answer the actual question asked-what, get side tracked? no, you don’t need therapy.

By: kb

kb — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 03:39:57 +0000

your boyfriend can respect women by doing what they ask, and really, is it soul-defining if you’re leaving out a lot of your soul(I don’t know how important these fantasies and playing them out is to you. it may be a big part of your soul, it may not). those are the only things I can say that might help-I do have a very very good, and very equal relationship that isn’t opposed to some rough spanking and being tied down when we both are in the mood. but that’s how we’re both wired, and it sounds like your boyfriend isn’t. so I don’t know.

By: Karen Affeldt

Karen Affeldt — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 18:55:37 +0000

I have acted out on several of my more erotic fantasies and I think it’s healthy to do so. It’s also a learning experience and I have certainly had a ton of fun with what we have discovered and learned. It just seems to me that achievable fantasies left untouched only grow more intense and denying yourself of an obtainable goal seems unjustified. I feel that experimentation is so much better than the unrealized.

By: rhapsodyblue

rhapsodyblue — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 13:37:10 +0000

Wow, this takes me back – I used to be in almost exactly the same situation as Gimpy: a mentally stable woman with sub/dom fantasies and a partner so sweet he couldn’t imagine acting them out. There is hope, my friend. It took some time and some trust-building, but he’s learned to understand that me wanting to be spanked, bitten and held down isn’t abusive on his part, maladjusted on my part, or anti-feminist on either of our parts. It’s hard to know if your man will come around to the idea as smoothly as mine did, but it’s very likely that you’ll find someone who can meet your needs.

As for your worries that you might need therapy, I don’t think you do, unless there’s an already existing obvious reason to seek treatment. Two of my most hardcore BDSM friends have been through therapy because they are multiple rape victims. One is from an abusive household, and one has the added issue of being pre-operative MTF transgendered. On occasion, they have both wondered if their interests spring from troubles in their pasts. My answer? I have no idea why they like what they like, but I don’t think it has to be old trauma. While I’m not quite as hardcore as either of them, my interest in being dominated is something I can trace all the way back to daydreams I had during my very mellow, non-abusive childhood. If the only reason you think you need therapy is your fantasies, you’re probably more like me than my friends, and I think you’re fine.

By: Spes

Spes — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 12:51:05 +0000

In my experience, many women enjoy some time playing the submissive in the bedroom because they spend the rest of their lives having to be in control constantly. It’s their way of relaxing by letting someone they trust relieve them of having to make a myriad of decisions for a while. Sometimes a drink just isn’t enough to soothe away the work week.